january

day 10 — it's sunday, or so jordan told me. for me, it's day 4 of being in the dark, of constant eye-rubbing, trying to wipe off that glazed look i know i currently have. i cannot remember much of yesterday, which i thought was a monday until a customer politely corrected me, but that's to be expected. in my apartment i can see remnants of the week; puzzle pieces to help me retrace my steps and hold on to what little i can. i need the evidence. i need it badly or i'll lose this week entirely.

there are five coffee cups in random spots, trailing from the dining table to the bathroom. i remembered to get caffeinated which would explain the lack of a headache that an unfulfilled dependency would otherwise do.

six books stacked on the coffee table, five of which are arcs and the sixth, topmost one is virginia woolf's "essays on the self." i took these home last night.

new winter pieces in isla's closet. i remember i made her try on the green, corduroy culottes but not the rest.

wuthering heights litograph print on top of my dresser. probably from inventory this week.

a receipt for the new couch we bought. i'll have to ask jordan when it's being delivered.

leftover dishes from game night with aldric, rachel, and tyler—a draining experience that i let jordan talk me into. it's been months since i last saw tyler. he scooped me up in a hug that was strong enough to pop several joints in my back. i tried to mimic the smile plastered on his face, returned the "i miss you! it's been so long!" sentiment but found myself losing steam fast. he tried to engage me in a conversation about future plans, uncomfortable realizations and whatnot and i would mostly shrug. i threw him a bone when i caught a hint of disappointment behind his eyes and it backfired. he latched on, of course he did, and launched into another one of his spiels. i know it's in the hopes that we would reconnect after a period of being too busy with our own lives but his words were cold, alphabet soup to my ears. eventually the letters just started floating above his head and i couldn't do more than force my lips to curve upwards and nod. i've forgotten how to be a friend.

day 15 — i saw the sun today. or more accurately, i woke up and saw the sun first. the phone call from the delivery people probably helped; tore me away from the cold hand's grip, if only for a moment. i wasn't granted freedom so much as a reprieve but still it was nice. i'll have to tell jordan that i even kept the blinds raised and tinkered with my ukulele a bit. isla could have done with one less movie but she finished her meals (which she hardly does) and we managed to squeeze in baking cinnamon rolls before her nap. i am grateful for an okay day.