• I watch with reserve
• The keeper who cannot keep
• A tin man without verve
• Unwittingly, you release the dam
• I'm still trying to fix it up
• I watch from these shorelines
• Hoping you'll fill my cup
• If you see
• Why keep it from me?
• I do not act; I observe
• A tin man with reserve

• why do i do this to myself

i just drive myself crazy over and over again and i just cannot shut off my mind. it's just this vicious cycle of loathing and misery and catastrophe but I dwell in it. I dwell in all of the possibilities, the countless, innumerable, infinite, comforting and terrifying possibilities.

I just keep going and striving for those sweet, too-short moments of bliss and hope. Those moments are always so outnumbered.

I can't help but wonder:

when the serotonin starts to balance

• will any of this have any meaning anymore?

These spurs of life and breath and sadness and overwhelming woes are almost exhilarating - I just want to feel everything. But I can't fit the feelings in

So it's better to just.. not. And when I don't, I am tranquil and simply paddle along, ignoring the boulders beneath my boat, constantly threatening to sunder and shatter my veneer. Still, in my vague awareness, I am just staring at the glassy, near frozen, but impossibly dark surface of my river. Thoughts upon thoughts upon thoughts, swarming, racing, refusing to let go but there is a disconnect

• Not all those who wander are lost
  • silly, stupid, dorky, wonderful boy

• I just feel like I am writhing in pretense
• It's completely ridiculous but completely cathartic too

• last night we were all lying on the bed, but his body and mine were touching
• my cheek on his arm, my shoulder in his side, my hip to his leg
• i don't think I have ever felt so content and warm
• so now I'm left to wonder: was he feeling the same? Or was he just too high to care that he was touching me and me him?
• i worry that this budding romance is entirely one sided and that it's all fabricated in my mind
• but something in me is keeping me hopeful
• i just want to feel that way again

Forests

“Just tolerate my little fists tugging on your forest chest” - Fiona Apple. It’s the first thing I thought of because of her music. Fiona is so intensely interesting and verbose and I just cannot help but want to be like her. The ability to speak your mind with such clarity and demand is amazing to me. She can be so much more articulate about how I feel than I think I’ll ever be. Words amaze me in that way, I can’t stop thinking but the thoughts just keep coming coming coming with no resolution, no end point, no articulation in sight. Rather they bottle up, swarming, spilling over, exploding, reverberating, ricocheting and overpowering me. But there isn’t an emotional response, it’s just thought for the sake of thought thought for the sake of being being for the sake of. I don’t even understand where I’m going with this, but I supp...

I'm practically a child still

• I've had many experiences
• But I lack any experience

I'm a tulip in a cup; I stand no chance of growing up.

• My edges are frayed and my colors
  • in discord
• My surroundings, their veneers neat
  • neat, neat, neat

The faulty shapeshifter pedals fallacies

Every move is deliberate and forced

Skin prickling, I dwell in discomfort

The puzzle piece that will not fit

I just want a little bit of confirmation

help me out here, man, the signals:

• mixed
• twisted
• distorted
• lovely
• wonderful
• confusing
• no
• yes
• maybe

It's so frustrating, I just want some resolution, some conclusion, some confirmation of my vanity.

I stare at the monitor screen, staring at that green dot. That dot is entrancing, comforting, inviting, but frightening all at once. All I want to do is talk to you, talk talk talk, ramble incessantly, let the feelings pour out, love, adore, admire, scream, yell, gnash, bite, claw, rend, hug, comfort, soothe, feel, know. Rather, I sit by the waysides and stare, and think, mulling over thoughts, thoughts that retract and expand, shape and shift, recoil and attack. That tortuous green dot reflects my own and my existential crisis permeates the brain, whispering and tugging, do you feel the same way? The first conclusion is a resounding NO - STOP - NEVER, it tears me to pieces and I resign. The second conclusion manages to surface, a bubbling spring filled of hope dammed shut by a stone filled with despair. The battle continues, I keep wondering, I keep hoping, I keep fighting, I keep withdra...

• on the bean bag, lazing in a giggly stupor
• he was leaning against it, his head close to mine and playing his guitar
• at some point our arms were touching but he always seemed to move away each time he realized it
• every time i do this i just get so sad
• i just want things to stop feeling so hopeless
• this has been a dumb list of things

• I need to learn to take everything in stride, one day at a time.
• Rather I dwell endlessly, I dwell and crawl and roll around in the misery of my doubts or in the joy of my hopes.
• I get myself down too easily.
• I get myself up too easily (oh my).
• I just need some balance and to stop overthinking.

• So uncomfortable among family, friends and peers.
• I feel so alienated in an unexplainable way.
• That innate connection is limp, lifeless, I question if it's even there.
• A silver cord that was never wound tight.

• scraping that last bit of the ice cream from the bowl
• that little, lingering melted puddle of mauve
  • it's so much sweeter
• people are not ice cream so why
  • am i making this comparison
    • this is way dumb

• cloth against cloth
• my skin brushed fancifully against his skin
• it's just a friendly display of affection
• a bloom of warmth and happiness
  • "Caught on the cold, caught on the hot
  • Not so with the warm, a lot"