I'm demi-sexual/romantic (now I know), my interests in romantic relationships were always low. When I tried it for the first time (and last time so far), it was very good, at first, and long, but then, in the last moments, the accumulation of lack of trust, discouragement and stress in addition to micro betrayals all ended, So I went back to ostracizing myself again about trying newly.

ـــــــــــــــــــﮩ٨ـ

Besides all that, I feel old and tired.

୧⍤🚩 so in the end;

• people very rarely can devote themselves to another person with the same intensity
• I expect super loyalty to the other person, just as I am loyal. But I think it's a type of loyalty that perhaps doesn't exist in reality. People end up cheating in some way.
• So I hate feeling insecure to the point of thinking that someone will change me at any moment (this is a complex abandonment CID that I have had since childhood).
• Until today I still don't even know how to find new people or how to engage in it.
• I have tastes and behaviors that may be strange to some. I'm afraid of judgement, or that people won't understand who I am.
• I have insecurities about my body, and dysphoria things - I became more sedentary after the pandemic and other illnesses hit me, making me stop every time I continued calistemia.
• I think this involves my autism, but when I like someone I want to spend a lot of time with them and then I don't have time for myself, not that I mind that much, but today I don't deny that maybe it's bad for me.
• Maybe this is also my autism screaming, but people come and go, so when I have a relationship with someone, I hope it's something lasting, until old age, as long as possible.
• My comfort is finding stability in life. When something ends, when someone leaves, I will probably go into a long crisis (maybe for years).

・・・・・