Text Messages

Text messages I've saved on my phone because I laughed myself into a mild coma when I first read them.

• Lee quoting Josh's reply in reference to the possibility of creating a nazi theme in their house for Brockbanks' Birthday...

'Well, if it was to be nazi's i just wouldn't be replying to this text x'

• Josh trying to get to the bottom of the mystery of the Eastern European influx...

Eastern European update: Watching RudeTube with my irish friends and an EE appeared, so I harshly questioned them. They known nothing! A dead i feel

• My brother trying to think of insulting limericks...

There once was a guy called ben, who couldn't count up to ten, how he would whine that he couldn't pass nine, so to compensate he bought himself a hen

god dammit ben a basic understanding of the decimal system cannot be replaced by poultry you imbecile

• My brother at his cuntish best...

Whats the difference between ben stebbings and a 15 stone paedophile?

About 3 stone

• Lee in reply to allegations regarding his ludicrous amount of dads...

Theres 2! 2 dads! And only 1 is a nazi! x

• My brother with yet another limerick, this time about Zeta...

There once was a girl called zeta, who's so strange looking i think u should meet her, she's disgustingly small with no brains at all, i hate her i hate her i hate her

• John Slough's lucid dreams...

I had a dream last night i was serving alan shearer behind the bar, and i completely fucked up his order. He gave me that look, but that's all he had to do to show he was fucking livid. I feel that this has relevance to our promotion. Yes, we've been promoted. But alan shearer's still angry.

• My brother again creating scenarios to insult me...

ben: 'it was the summer of 2002 that i had my first homosexual experience. i had never been fishing before.'

josh: 'well thats all well and good ben, but mum only told me to ask u whether u wanted mcdonalds for dinner?'

ben: 'yes thats fine'

-josh exits-

ben: '(to himself)i had never been fishing before....'

i hate you ben

• My sister ripping my brother...

Josh just said: 'leave me alone' then wrapped his arms around his head and said: 'i just want...to Be' douche!

• Lee with a spontaneous flashback...

Sudden memory: You, me, rich and lewis masturbating through our boxers in zetas kitchen in halls x

• Josh in response to Stern Bear's re-emergence...

This is the biggest news of the year! After all of our prayers, he has returned. Im scared he will try and ruin our fun though

• Tunde concluding a text conversation with perhaps the greatest sentence ever if taken out of context...

Alright then. Now Ive got to find a way to look like the Grand Old Duke of York

• Rich in a text I can't remember the context of but taken alone it deserves to be here...

SATAN!!!!!!

• Nathan is response to my hesitancy over getting a Reading ticket...

Don't mean to put pressure on you but i'll kill everyone you love including myself if you don't go

• Luke in response to the question "When do you finish work?"

Yes. I have sandwitches. X

• Rich's description of a our potential as a football team...

Stoke, minus the majestic rory delap

• B-Rodley upon what position he thinks he'll fill in his new neighbourhood...

I want to be known as the housewife fulfiller.

• B-Rodley describing a lucid dream...

I dreamt about mrs johnson last night and I woke up thinking i had no gcse's.

• B-Rodley, in one text, summarizes the contents of 70% of the texts he sends...

I just had to knock on your door because my mums burning letters and your windows are open. You know where this is going. Your sis answer and looked lush.

• Cubes immediately after the finale of Lost...

I DONT UNDERSTAND!!

• The subtle humour of John Boardley after the World Cup...

What's the difference between England and aids? Aids will still be in africa on Monday!

• Hurrey totally in context...

I just made sweet love to the dog

• Josh's basic response to any topic related to the 90's...

Patrick Berger!