The biggest dicks and legends in my limited experience of video games. Just to be clear this isn't computer designed dickery or epicosity. This list relates to the moments in games in which, inexplicably, a virtual character seems to have it in for you and only you (or alternately comes up with the goods out of nowhere). It's personal.

The Villains

• Nigel Quashie (FIFA 2008)

Scottish midfield dynamo. Suckers you into insulting him zbout his real-life lack of skill and talent and then punishes you by putting in a man-of-the-match performance in the 3-0 demolition of your England team.

• Gimli (Lord of the Rings: Return of the King)

You make it to the penultimate level of LOTR:ROTK with ease, leaving swarms of enemies quashed in your wake. Then comes the Black Gate and the heavy task of protecting your four companions from the attacks of Nazgul and Urikai. For the most part Aragon, Gandalf and Legolas equip themselves well but every single time Gimli will somehow find himself on his last legs surrounded by the games fiercest foes. Every. Single. Time.

• Wily Gonzalez (Football Manager 2007)

Peruvian international striker signed from his homeland upon my arrival at Russian side Tom Tomsk to bang in goals. Six months in he complains of homesickness and begs for a transfer. Understandable. Adjusting to the Russian climate must be hard. But when, after granting his request and accepting offers, he chooses fellow Russian side Rubin Kazan who are somehow even more in the middle of nowhere than Tom Tomsk, it somehow feels like he signed for the club just to fuck with me. Also he has a stupid fucking name.

• Arthur Mokoena (Football Manager 2007)

A genuine enemy. Followed my carer path and seemed to always end up managing a rival club in the same league as me wherever I went, from South Africa to Russia. Not only that but he'd run his mouth off in the press. Unnecessarily. No matter how much I won he'd question my decisions and threaten to destroy my team. I don't care if he doesn't exist, I want to do actual physical harm to Arthur Mokoena.

• Garrus (Mass Effect)

Stop dying Garrus. Please, just once, stop fucking dying.

• Gael Monfils (Virtua Tennis 3)

_ Alright, Grandslam time. My created player is looking pretty decent. I've trained him up well. Manages to defeat a Henman or Roddick in the Quarters, heroically overcomes a Federer or Nadal in the Semis. Just shitty little Gael Monfils in the Final and then I'll truly mark myself as...straight sets...what? He beat me in straight sets...I mean...what?...Monfils...fucking seriously?_

• Richard Lawes (Ashes Cricket 2009)

Created by his namesake as an all-rounder, Rich can't get wickets, can't play spin and averages around 4 with the bat. He only remains in England's starting 11 because I know how much it pisses the real Rich off to see his computer version be so utterly wank.

• Triple H (WWF No Mercy)

One word. Unpinnable.

The Heroes

• Gilius Thunderhead (Golden Axe)

Best character ever. Giant, knight, skeleton warrior, weird sack-carrying midget things - it doesn't matter, the meanest dwarf in gaming history will axe the shit out of you. Plus I've only just discovered his actual name. What a hero!

• Anonymous Rebel (Star Wars: Battlefront)

Imagine this feeling - Instant Action game, Endor. Somehow all of your CPU team has been eliminated leaving you and your solitary base against 33 deadly Stormtroopers. Twenty minutes later, following some of the best blasting and dodging you're ever likely to see and the greatest underdog victory of all time is confirmed. Fuck the Ewoks, this is what Endor should be known for.

• Dan Vine (Ashes 2009)

Deadly purveyor of spin on any surface. Masterful when called upon as a match-saving tail-ender. Oddly Chinese-looking but that's neither here nor there. Computer-generated Dan Vine is a God among men.

• Tibor Fall (Football Manager 2008)

Bought for my inexperienced Manchester City side, he led us to four Premier Leagues, two FA Cups and scored the winner in the Champions League Final. A fucking rock!

• Quinny (Football Manager 2008)

The Assistant Manager so good he demanded a nickname.

• Doncaster Rovers (Football Manager 2005)

From Division 3 to the Champions League. Best team ever.

• Nikola Zigic (FIFA World Cup 2010)

The slowest, least graceful player in the world somehow gains an extra yard on the oppositions back four every single time. If this Zigic was real Serbia would be a force.

• Robert Earnshaw (FIFA 2008)

Why's he a middle-aged, white man?