10 Reasons Dalton is the Best
Timothy Dalton is the best James Bond of all time. Here's ten reasons why.
- He's the original bad-ass Bond.
He was doing the gritty, intense and brooding with a hint of charm schtick twenty years before Daniel Craig was universally patted on the back for his performance as Britain's favourite agent. Basically everything Craig did with the character Dalton did before, just better and in the 80's, where he was so ahead of his time people's heads literally exploded from an awesomeness overdose after watching his performance. Literally exploded.
- He only did two films.
However good you think Connery and Moore were you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who doesn't think they overstayed their shelf-life by a couple of films. Connery's last two Bond films 'You Only Live Twice' (worst Bond title ever!?!) and 'Diamonds Are Forever' (they genuinely are!) were pretty weak truth be told and as for Moore he was 58 in his last Bond film. 58! I'm pretty sure I could beat up a 58 year-old or at least crack a rib or two. As for the rest, well Brosnan's Bond legacy pretty much lives and dies on Goldeneye with 'Tomorrow Never Dies', 'Die Another Day' and the other one no one cares about not exactly going down as classics, Craig can't be judged until he's finished and the less said on Lazenby the better.
Point being that having only made two films Dalton didn't have time to taint his tenure. While not maybe as iconic as some of the others, he didn't stay on long enough to turn the character into a joke which has to go down as a big tick against his name.
- He shagged anything.
Bond is usually associated with glamorous, gorgeous girls but while no one wants him seeing porking a chubster is it really realistic? Think about it; Bond's on the move constantly, is a heavy drinker and is always busy what with the infiltrating and the killing people. Does that sound like the type of person who is, or more to the point can afford to be, picky with women?
More than likely the real Bond would take whatever was around just to get his end away in-between missions. And if a mission required him to sleep with an enemy what are the chances she'd genuinely be hot. Especially female assassins. They're gona be built like a fucking shithouse. A brick shithouse. He isn't saying no to that even if he wants to!
I'm not saying Bond wouldn't get a 10 every now and again. He's a slick guy and we all get lucky but can you honestly be expected to believe this guy is pulling a 10 every single night? Really? Even after reading some of his best chat-up lines...
Jenny Flex: [in reference to horse riding] Yes, I love an early morning ride.
James Bond: Well, I'm an early riser myself.
Seriously THAT guy. Anyway the fact is Dalton's Bond accepts this. The birds he pulls in 'Licence to Kill' and 'Living Daylights' aren't 10s. They're not bad looking, there's just something odd about them, they're a little funny looking. Have a look for yourself.
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He had a thing for bushy eyebrows didn't he? Hardly traditional Bond girls. Dalton's Bond was a porking machine. If he saw an opening he took his chance. You have to respect that lack of prejudice - Dalton's Bond didn't judge or rate he just porked. The guy was a crusader.
- All His Bromances End In Death Or Decapitation
Bond's never really had many male friends. Sure he's got Q but he's not really a shoot-the-shit, pint-down-the-pub, chest-bumps and football kind of mate. Characters bop in and out of the franchise but anything that resembles a mate either ends up betraying him (Trevelyan, Goldeneye) or is unable to overcome their..er..cultural differences...
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Felix Lighter, Bonds buddy in the CIA, is always about but he never seems to be anything other than a mild annoyance to Bond, someone he'll tolerate until the next piece of gash comes along.
This all changes in 'Licence To Kill'. Not only are Bond and Felix super best buds (along with Sharky...ohhh poor Sharky) but Bond is best man at Felix's wedding...which they fly to together in a chopper...whilst rounding up drug dealers together on the way. Fuck pints at the pub, this is how best buds should live.
But all this brofoolery is ended when the previously mentioned drug dealer escapes from custody and kind-of a-little-bit gets a shark to bite off Felix's leg. And kills his wife. That too. Sure Felix survives but there'll be no more larking around with Bondy now. Oh no! No more mad helicopter rides in his condition. No more crazaaay nights out after what happened to the Mrs. This guy has been ruined for the world.
But at least Bond still has Sharky. Good old reliable Sharky. Sure his (ridiculous) name will undoubtedly bring up painful, traumatic memories for Felix but Bond and Sharky can still shoot the shit. What's that? Sharky dies too. Oh god! Not Sharky? Anyone but Sharky!?!
"Who me?"
http://www.wearysloth.com/Gallery/ActorsM/11772-11087.gif
Yes you Sharky you damn beautiful fool.
Even 'Living Daylights' has a pompous character called Saunders who starts out a bit of a dick but over-time turns into an alright guy who Bond could actually find it in his heart to OOP DEAD!
Anyone Dalton's Bond registers anything more than a mild indifference to ends up dead or legless and wifeless. Cut the guy a break. He just wants a buddy, a pal, a friend. You've gotta route for a Bond desperately searching for a bromance in a graveyard of dead homies.
- He Escaped the Entire Soviet Union Army On A Cello Case
Watch. Enjoy. Worship.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QZuOQZ1HC4&feature=related
- He's Fighting Actual Criminals
It's all well and good battling theatrical super villains with giant volcano lairs and insane plots to try and flood the entire world but the real skill is in tackling the criminal underworld - drug dealers, weapon dealers, Soviet assassins, the KGB and Benicio Del Toro the rapist (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5rUWO1ZUQA). Dalton's Bond tackles all of these and what's more he does it without the aid of long villain monologues and elaborate death devices. Although he does use most of Afghanistan's army.
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- He's Tells MI6 To Fuck Their Licence
His attitude would suggest he plays by his own rules but actually Bond plays by a very specific set of governmental rules and works for Queen and country. Now that's all well and good but it isn't really bad-ass when you break it down.
Only it is when he tells MI6 to go fuck themselves, kicks his boss in the chest then jumps a balcony, avoiding sniper fire while doing it, to go slaughter some drug dealers because THE MAN hadn't allowed him to. And there's no grand resolution - when the film ends he's still a maverick, still a wanted man. What. A. Bad-Ass!
- He Gets In A Bar Fight
A proper one. With men. At a bar. He fights men at a bar. Then leaves on a speedboat. A speedboat.
- There's A Petrol Tanker Race
VROOM!
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- When He Kills He Kills For The Win
Dalton is a merciless, heartless killing machine. To be fair he's had fair reason to be what with all his mates getting killed and in 'Licence' his killing power being revoked.
REVOKE THIS!
But even given all that the degrees in which he kills people are excessive. Why waste bullets when you can throw a suitcase of money at someone then feed them to a shark? Why stab someone when you can cut off their shoes and throw them out of a plane? Why throttle Benicio Del Toro when you can just as easily knock him onto a cocaine plant's conveyor belt and mangle the little rapist up? Even indirectly he goes over the top as a coke dealer he sets up is literally tortured until his head explodes. Literally explodes.
Typically Dalton saves the best for last in 'Licence' as he burns to a crisp the drug dealer who fed Felix Lighter to sharks. Yeah take that fucker. His wife's still dead though. Bummer.
DALTON FTW!
jan 1 2016 +