• January⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀一月
  • my family and I watched the fireworks at the beach on new year's eve. the first song I listened to this year was Lights up by Harry Styles as a kind of wish of never going back to hiding who I am. I painted the Danger Days logo on my shoes and it was pleasant to see how good it turned out. I became a vegetarian. watched And then we danced at the movie theatre. the feeling of going back home at night watching the city lights through the bus window while listening to Jonny boy by Kite. my family travelled to Minas Gerais for a wedding that ended up only creating drama. Divinely uninspired to a hellish extent by Lewis Capaldi. Habblet and Don't Starve Together.

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        • February⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀二月
  • I watched The untamed. classes started and I had so many expectations of what I would be able to do now that I had a group of friends that could support me. I started helping more with de Academic Directory and it felt nice to be part of the change in our college. I met someone new. while on a train to my sister's house, I started reading Tómas Prower's Queer Magic and it changed the way I saw religion. I watched my first ever movie from Studio Ghibli (it was My Neighbour Totoro). I went to my friend's house to work on our game and I soon realized that I didn't have a place on that group, I could not work with the main programmer because he did everything alone, I could not write because the writer also did everything alone, I could not draw because I don't fecking know how to; I was hit hard with the recognition of my own worthlessness.

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        • March⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀三月
  • I became distracted in class. I started focusing all my time on learning about witchcraft and the Japanese language. after realizing I have not got over my suicidal thoughts I decided - for the first time ever - to ask for help. I went to see a doctor about my mental health but got put on a waiting list until someone could go register me at the health centre. I started burying myself on responsibilities with school, the academic directory, the game my group should make, other classes that I decided to help out and anything more I could find so I could feel a little bit useful. Edgar Allan Poe. the first confirmed Covid-19 case at my university. quarantine and online classes. Affluenza by Conan Gray. the dark academia aesthetic. I watched Dead Poets Society and it hit me in a way I can't even explain, it kind of gave me some peace of mind and at the same time the restlessness of wanting to look for something new. Busyhead by Noah Kahan.

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        • April⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀四月
  • I really wanted to play Animal Crossing New Horizons. Tidal by Noah Kahan, the sensation of sinking while watching those around you swimming with ease and the acceptance that while you might not be able to swim right now, you can learn to float. regardless of the last entry, I went on a depressive episode for the next weeks. I watched Anne With An E and in a surge of inspiration I drew a lighthouse on my wall with some charcoal. being sad and angry with the people from my group because I am crazy and useless, and can't do anything and I can't work with them and aah. I gave up on game design, lol.

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        • May⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀五月
  • got really obsessed with Sirenhead and with Cellbit's RPG. Atlas: Enneagram by Sleeping At Last. Gus sent me one very ominous picture from his neighbour house. started "studying" Portuguese again because I'm really bad at it. Criminal Case. that gecko on my bathroom. Ale, Gus and I had this ominous and yet nice experience with a quiz: "the fool, there's only so fast a car can go before it flips". I discovered that my mom loves the book "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and also that she has a copy she's been hiding from me for the longest time. my aunt died and it still kinda feels odd, like nothing happened? idk. "you want nothing but patience - or give it a more fascinating name, call it hope". solving riddles on Habblet with Gus and a group of strangers. Civilization VI. insomnia and anxiety. protests Antifa here in SP.

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        • June⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀六月
  • pride month. reading about the antifascist movement. the world is a ridiculously bad place and living here aspiring to just fit in in the system is slowly killing me. reading about socialism. kinda struggling with the fact that no one really cares for each other. I've been also trying to make peace with the knowledge that my family is part of the reason why I'm so anxious all the time. Ale and Gus. witchcraft. sometimes feeling like I am too much and sometimes feeling like I am nothing. alone by Edgar Allan Poe. studying German.

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        • July⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀七月
  • isolating myself. I miss my friends. why am I like this? Daniel you're still a child by Declan McKenna. I'm always coming back to bad coping mechanisms. Unfollow the Rules by Rufus Wainwright. the Aratasaurus Museunacionali. anxiety. "love is so painful, how could you ever wish it on anybody? and love is so essential, how could you ever stand in its way?". video essays, video essays, video essays. anxiety. Folklore by Taylor Swift. Cellbit's RPG last episode. anxiety, anxiety, and being suicidal.

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        • August⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀八月
  • my anxiety ruining the fun for everyone. that moment at 2 AM where Gus, David and I were trying to download a very specific episode of a British show (and failing). really studying witchcraft. Gus long-ass audio about his love misadventures. David, Gabs, Gus and I played Stardew Valley together. Hbomberguy's 2-hour long essay on Pathologic. A Different Kind of Human (Step 2) by Aurora. I watched Oliver Thorn's video on trauma and it is a masterpiece (I have rewatched it many times since).

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        • September⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀九月
  • I wish I could disappear and start life anew somewhere else. my friends were all angry and not talking with each other, so I was pretty lonely and sad at the start of the month. started studying harder for the exams at the beginning of 2021. I travelled to my mother's house and now I was lonely again because I cannot talk normally with her and I had no internet connection to talk with my friends. Why we build the wall by Anaïs Mitchell. feeling really depressed. played a lot of Among us.

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        • October⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀十月
  • it's time for Hooptober with Ale and Gus my best friends I love them they are beautiful and I totally was not coerced to write this here, this comes totally from the deepest of my heart because I love them! I bought Mark Fisher's Capitalist Realism. played Among us with a lot of friends and it was pretty nice. I started an English course. I read The Communist Manifesto. I watched The Haunting of Bly Manor and it left me with this inspiration to write something again. maybe my house is also haunted, but what does haunted mean? "singing 'o willow waly' by the tree that weeps with me, singing 'o willow waly' till my lover returns to me". The Ascension by Sufjan Steves. Cellbit's RPG again. the end of this month could've been a lot better tbh, I hate that the closer it gets to my birthday the worse things get in my life... may I have one (01) good birthday, universe? really, what the fuck did I do to you? why do you hate me so much?

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        • November⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀十一月
  • the total bullshit that is the US electoral process. what the fuck happened on November 5th (destiel?? Putin???? Richard Siken writing fanfiction? Hetalia???). Mark Fisher, Mark Fisher, Mark Fisher! my birthday I guess. I bought more books: Marx at the Arcade by Jamie Woodcock, Fighting Fascism by Clara Zetkin and Four Futures by Peter Frase. "Capital is an abstract parasite, an insatiable vampire and zombie maker; but the living flesh it converts into dead labor is ours, and the zombies it makes are us". Brazilian municipal elections. Ecosocialism. anxiety. Anarchism. "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light". I bought a new book - Caliban and the Witch by Silvia Federici - since the ones I bought on the beginning of the month haven't arrived yet (this one is already here and I'm already reading it). municipal elections again and São Paulo obviously elected the worst candidate, like, when do we not?

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        • December⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀十二月
  • "Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December; and each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor". My books arrived! Ale told me to write a book with all my weird dreams. Don't Starve Together with Gus. Ale, Gus and I listened to Evermore by Taylor Swift. started playing Tyranny (thanks epic games). I suck at this game. I suck at life too. I've been trying my best to not do something that will hurt myself but things just don't work. I am anxious 'cause the exams next year and I know nothing will work out and I should just kill myself and spare everyone the trouble of dealing with me. I bought a game called Islanders. Preparing for the holidays, the most depressing time of the year. Went to my mother's house. Too much, people are too much. asakdjnsdkjasdnkasjdnakdna aaaaaaaaaaa. Let's hope 2021 will be better.
jul 29 2020 ∞
jan 2 2021 +