Usually comical, sometimes thought-provoking.

• "Getting naked is optional. That's usually something people do on their own." -Andy, on the weirdest things he's seen at Beloit
• "My dog framed me." -Alex
• dialogue
  • Charlie: I've had a waitress who was like a ninja. Our glasses would be full and we wouldn't know when that happened.
  • Abby: You were probably stoned.
  • Charlie: You know, I think we were.
• "I like giving blood because it burns 600 calories." -Abby
• "It would suck to have to wear a diaper for the rest of your life because you had buttsex." -Abby
• "You're like a walking encyclopedia of horrible, horrible conversations." -Hugh, to Rich
• dialogue
  • Rich: What happened to the bottoms of your feet? They're covered in Band-Aids.
  • Abby: Blisters.
  • Rich: Why don't you wear shoes made for walking?
  • Abby: I don't have any!
• dialogue
  • Jackie: There was a guy at Wal-Mart with a shirt that said, "I eat pussy like a fat kid eats cake."
  • Charlie: With a fork?!
• dialogue
  • Abby: I called you "fire crotch" all day yesterday.
  • Rich: No, you called me "fire crotch" twice.
• dialogue
  • Abby: I'm going to kick your dick.
  • Rich: I like my dick. It's got things to do.
• dialogue
  • Hugh: I don't like where this is going.
  • Rich: It's going to my bed.
• "Homesickness, which happens to everyone that loves their mom . . ." -Randy
• dialogue
  • Abby: Where were you?
  • Mackenzie: I was napping.
  • Abby: Gosh, you're such a party pooper.
  • Mackenzie: I pooped the party.
• "Don't run if you see a hobo angel. But make sure someone else sees him first." -Mike
• dialogue
  • Jason: What counts as lingerie?
  • Kristina: It's gotta have lace. But lace and cotton don't count. It's gotta be all over lace or lace and silk.
  • Bert: (smirks) It can definitely have silk.
• "We should all walk around naked. Well, (gesturing to Kristina) some people shouldn't." -Stephen
• dialogue
  • Stephen: Silk is the best underwear.
  • Greg: No underwear is the best underwear.
• "If I can't tell, I just assume all guys are gay." -Abby
• "You want me to take him upstairs?" -Marie, referring to Derek
• dialogue
  • Alessia: Michael thinks it's sexy when I burp.
  • Derek: Ew, do you guys burp in each other's mouths when you make out?
  • Marie: What is he like? "Oh, baby, do it again"?
• "It's like a big black woman giving you a hug." -Chris, referring to Florida's humidity
• "If you can stand in a box, why take the stairs?" -Stephen
• "There was a conflict. Actually, you didn't get any classes 'cause you're a convicted felon." -Andy, to Taylor
• "Watching Toddlers & Tiaras totally trumps shower taking." -Liz
• "I've always wanted to dress like a ninja and take five big guys into BSFFA (Beloit Science Fiction and Fantasy Association) and tackle everyone. They'd pull out their swords, but it'd be like, 'Sorry, foam's not gonna work this time.'" -Andy
• dialogue
  • Greg: What are we kissing?
  • Kristina: When you pinky promise . . .
  • Greg: (kisses his pinky)
  • Kristina: No, you don't kiss the pinky.
• "Did you see the magic man walking around? He's a fucking sorcerer." -football player, referring to Michael Kent
• "What's your mascot? They say bucaneer. You say turtle. Your mascot is the bucaturtle." -Michael Kent
• dialogue
  • Zach: I wasn't saying go get drunk.
  • Taylor: I kind of want to.
• "If you had a giraffe, I would totally creep your house." -Liz
• "That's why I love giraffes so much. When they eat, their tongues are so long and wrap around and— WHOA! That's vibrating." -Liz, pulling out her cell phone
• "Did you just throw toe shit at me?" -Jason
• dialogue
  • Taylor: (mimics the Terminator) I'll be back. Where's that from?
  • Jason: (gawks)
  • Taylor: I'm sorry.
  • Jason: What the fuck just happened?
• dialogue
  • Zach: You know, I'm glad you're from Jamaica.
  • Marc: Why's that?
  • Zach: 'Cause I won't be the only one freezing my ass off.
• dialogue
  • Alex: My room's getting a little stuffy. I think it's my bucket of dirty laundry.
  • Liz: (gapes at him)
  • Alex: Where do you put your dirty laundry?
  • Liz: In my room, but it doesn't smell like ass.
  • Alex: Fuck you.
• dialogue
  • Brad: Fuck you, baldy.
  • Zach: You would if you had the chance.
  • Brad: Yeah, you're right. I would.
• dialogue
  • Kristina: Where are all these dance parties?
  • Zach: Just play some music and dance. It's okay. I'll watch.
• "There will be a day in this class that you cry publicly." -Prof. John
• "You can learn to write for yourself by learning to write like others." -Prof. John
• "Thinking and feeling are not two different things; they are different manifestations of the same thing." -Prof. John
• "I will photocopy almost the entire book and post it on Moodle. No one will tell? I don't want to go to jail." -Prof. Scott
• "I think I just outed myself as a Social Democrat." -Prof. Carey
• dialogue
  • Liz: The reason I don't do sports is because everyone comes back iced.
  • Jason: I've never been iced.
  • Liz: Well, cross country's not a contact sport.
  • Jason: Don't tell me it's not a contact sport. Look at this. (shows off a scar) Ran into a tree.
• dialogue
  • Josie: You're not gonna find a costume online. And if you do, it's not gonna fit.
  • Abby: It doesn't matter how it fits if I look skanky.
• dialogue
  • Isaac: 'Kay, I'm going out.
  • Molly: Where are you going?!
  • Isaac: What are you, my mother?
  • Weston: Yes, we are your collective mother.
• "Hey, Crystal. Hey, my little narcoleptic sex fiend." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Chris: (looking at sheet music) Ba ba ba ba.
  • Jordan: You read music?
  • Chris: Yeah.
  • Jordan: What instrument do you play?
  • Chris: I'm trying to play piano, but it's not going so well.
  • Jordan: But if you read music so well . . .
  • Chris: Oh, no, I'm just making noise.
• "Is it weird that when I picture Jesus, he's buff?" -Anthony
• "I like my men vitamin deficient and a little nerdy." -Amelia
• dialogue
  • Chris C.: Get out of here.
  • Kristina: You get out. I was invited here.
  • Chris C.: I live here.
• "I PLAYED YOU LIKE A GODDAMN FIDDLE!" -Greg, to Kristina during Apples to Apples
• dialogue
  • Kristina: How is The Matrix not one of a kind?
  • Zach: There are three of them.
• "Where the hell is Jason?!" -Alex
• "If you guys ever learned opera, you would have very powerful singing voices." -Jordan, to Gavin and Ross
• dialogue
  • Me: Why's he sleeping already?
  • Zach: He's got swine flu.
  • Floyd: You spread that rumor, I'll kill you.
• dialogue
  • Kersten: Is there a garbage outside?
  • Anthony: Yeah, it's called 810.
• "The nice thing about dresses: lift and go. YEAH!" -Molly
• dialogue
  • Me: Careful, the cocoa's really hot.
  • Chris: Nothing my leathery man mouth can't handle.
• dialogue
  • Chris: Goldschläger is liquor with little gold slivers.
  • Gavin: Gold?
  • Pedro: It's good for you, I think.
  • Chris: It tears your esophagus—
  • Pedro: Oh. Never mind.
  • Chris: —and makes it easier for the alcohol to go down.
• dialogue
  • Chris: Oh, to be rich. I'd have gold in all my food.
  • Jordan: But aren't you bothered by excess?
  • Chris: Other people's excess.
  • Jordan: That's terrible.
• dialogue, passing smokers
  • Chris: (inhales)
  • Jordan: (coughs)
• dialogue
  • Jordan: Do people cough when passing smokers to send a message?
  • Gavin: It's like someone having a heart attack next to a fat person.
• dialogue
  • Me: That sandwich looks good. What's in it?
  • Pedro: Salami and pastrami. I always get that 'cause it rhymes.
• "If I wear a corset, all the guys will be checking me out instead of you." -Anthony, to Patsy
• "I'm all sticky. That fucking sucks!" -Alex
• "I'm so addicted to caffeine. I'm already happier." -Liz, after freaking out over Greg and Taylor taking her keys
• dialogue
  • Taylor: I inherited your bitchiness.
  • Liz: Inherited? You were the bitch first.
• dialogue
  • Taylor: Marc! We were just talking about you.
  • Greg: Yeah, about how you called Sofi a witch.
  • Marc: Oh, I called her that a long time ago. She's still a witch, though.
• "Do you find yourself changing based on which group you're with? You don't behave at a family dinner the way you would at a frat party." -Prof. Carey
• "Did you hear Disney's buying up Marvel? It must have been a hostile takeover, don't you think?" -Prof. Carey
• "Sociology is not a pasttime. Well, it is when I'm walking around Wal-Mart." -Prof. Carey
• "Like that phrase compensatory anatomy?" -Prof. John, referring to fuzzy dice
• "Do we call California—God forbid—the heartland of America? No, I kid. It's the heartthrob of America." -Prof. John
• "I've been to Corn Fest every year since I was born." -Emillea
• "My brother was a swimmer, so you can imagine where he had to hide his tattoo." -Prof. Carey
• dialogue
  • Prof. Carey: You know what they say: The only thing you can't be at Beloit is Republican. Do we have any Republicans in the room?
  • (silence)
  • Tony: Not anymore.
• "The American dream is to have your own home, your own car, and a plasma TV." -Prof. Carey
• "We love equality, but we're not so good at implementing it." -Prof. Carey
• "I have a goblet. I pee in it when I don't want to go to the bathroom." -Isaac
• "Did I tell you about my dream where you were a fairy? You had wings. And a wand." -Isaac, to Molly
• "Eggplant makes my mouth itch." -Weston
• "Can I feel the sleeve of your shirt? Just right there. Ohhh. It feels as soft as it looks." -Addie, to Chris
• "Hello? (looks at his phone) Oh, that was a text message." -Chris
• "Oh, my goodness. He was talking about moral character and he didn't even push in his chair." -Anthony, referring to Jordan
• dialogue
  • Brian: Anthony, you want hot chocolate?
  • Anthony: No thanks, man. I got all I need in this little can.
• "Man, you guys! I can't wait for the weekend!!!" -Addie
• "I don't like the squirrels here. They freak me out. They are not supposed to get that close to you. I'm pretty sure they've been throwing acorns at me." -Rob
• "I guarantee you'll find something to torment me about. There's no shortage." -Jordan
• "I wish I could be an artist, so I can do apalling things and be applauded for it." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Chris: If I went into marketing, everything would be so much better.
  • Weston: Everything would be banana-shaped.
  • Isaac: A banana-shaped urinal actually wouldn't be a bad idea.
  • Weston: I would love to pee in one of those.
  • Isaac: Do you think gay men would be offended?
• "Boundaries! Boundaries!" -Jordan
• "You expect me to believe you were going to draw on my ankle while one guy hugs me and another guy hugs me with a Sharpie within millimeters of my neck? I was going to walk around with a stylized phallus on the back of my neck?! That's assault! I could have filed a suit! That was the 609 initiation? Substance free but not phallus-on-the-back-of-the-neck free?" -Jordan
• "This is gonna get really awkward really fast." -Anthony, in a bathrobe and lowering himself on a girl's back
• dialogue
  • Patrick: What do a harpsichord and a beautiful woman have in common?
  • Jordan: They're both beautiful?
  • Patrick: That wasn't the intended punchline.
  • Jordan: They're moody?
  • Patrick: That wasn't it either.
  • Jordan: Then what?
  • Patrick: I was going to say, "Jordan played with them both last night."
• "My mouth tastes like college." -Chris, after alcohol, pizza, and cigarettes
• "Yeah, I'm just a giant testosterone factory." -Chris
• "Oh, wait. You don't like AC/DC. (increases volume)" -Pedro, to Chris
• "Oh, God. I thought that said 'combination of human'." -Ross, misreading Hunan on a Chinese menu
• "Are apricots retarded apples?" -Pedro
• "Ugh, something's floating around in there. It's backwash from Mr. Coffee." -Pedro, using the coffeemaker to boil water
• dialogue
  • Caitlin: The baby's name is Asher.
  • Rob: Oh, he's definitely Jewish. We smell our own.
• "Borat is hilarious. Offensive, but hilarious." -Prof. Carey
• "I saw this on The View. Don't tell anyone I watch The View." -Prof. Carey
• "Lisa, I'm gonna rape you unless you refill this cup." -Anthony
• dialogue
  • Isaac: (looks at Chris sexily)
  • Chris: No.
  • Anthony: You have tremendous willpower, Chris.
  • Isaac: What do I have to do?
  • Chris: Buy me flowers. Nice ones.
  • Isaac: I'll get you roses.
  • Chris: White ones for my purity.
  • Isaac: And one pink one.
• "Dear Twitter, I have made a bowel movement." -Chris
• "I think you're just being paranoid about people masturbating." -Chris, to Jordan who claims his host and someone in the showers masturbated in his presence
• "A happy home is everywhere with spiders." -Chen
• "I like manatees. They're like the puppies of the sea." -Patsy
• dialogue
  • Abigail: He called me a cow this morning!
  • Anthony: On accident! On accident!
• "No! I have Latin homework." -Anthony, to Isaac sitting on his lap
• "If we all pool our money together and everyone puts in five cents, we can all buy Chris a nice, cold drink." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Anthony: Crystal, did Chris tell you that Isaac went through with it?
  • Me: (grinning) Isaac actually bought the flowers? What did Chris do?
  • Anthony: He was horrified.
• "A term my wife coined this summer: drunkle, a drunk uncle. Those are the ones who paw you." -Prof. John
• "Crotch dot." -Chris, aiming a laser pointer at Weston
• "You stink of happiness!" -Pedro
• dialogue
  • Domaneak: Patsy got so drunk that she started projectile vomiting.
  • Patsy: You don't need to tell them that!
• dialogue
  • Chris: Jordan, do the bell run with me.
  • Domaneak: That would be a sight to see.
• dialogue
  • Anthony: (pressing a mini corndog to Patsy's lips)
  • Patsy: Stop it! You're trying to put pork in my mouth. I'm Jewish; I can't eat pork.
  • Anthony: You just ate a sausage patty!
  • Patsy: I pretend it's not pork. That's harder to do with a hot dog.
• dialogue
  • Patsy: Oh my God, they smell bad.
  • Anthony: They're just socks.
  • Patsy: They smell bad! Do you ever wash them?
  • Anthony: I . . . I don't know.
  • Patsy: UGH!
• dialogue
  • Patsy: Let me go!
  • Anthony: I'm trying to hug you, but you're squirming.
• dialogue
  • Chris: Look at this radiant skin. This comes from showering very infrequently.
  • Kelsey: I shower every day.
  • Chris: And it shows.
• "I'm going through puberty. My balls are gonna drop any day now." -Sofi, on losing her voice
• "What's the name for the part of speech that a cat can do to a box?" -Weston
• "In this class, we go by the TORSAUR principle: Translations Of John's Scribbles Available Upon Request." -Prof. John
• "Having indecipherable handwriting almost guarantees closer contact with students." -Prof. John
• "I locked myself in the house once." -Prof. Carey
• "What do you say you and I take the 0 out of 609?" -Jordan
• dialogue
  • Chris: Ew! It smells like poop.
  • Abby: (inhales) I kind of like it.
• "You better bum my potatoes." -Mackenzie
• dialogue
  • Marc: Everything evil in the world stems back to girls.
  • Liz: This is why you don't have a girlfriend.
• "I love projectiles." -Abby
• dialogue
  • Prof. John: The central story of Go Down, Moses is "The Bear" and that is the story that will make you cry.
  • Eric: Out of beauty or frustration?
  • Rob: Beautiful frustration.
  • Prof. John: Out of grief.
  • Rob: For our grades.
• "I'm going to start with the most philosophical question of our day: Who is the greatest rapper of all time?" -Prof. Scott
• "I have just one word for you guys: calculus." -Jordan
• "Calculus turns me on." -Ross
• "See, I know how to get a guy off." -Keller
• dialogue
  • Amelia: They volunteered without knowing what they're doing.
  • Liz (one of the volunteers): Spectacular.
• "Unbelievable. My life in a nutshell: uncooperative dental floss." -Jordan
• "I'm gonna fill your hoo-ha with goof juice." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Ross: (reading a magazine article) "When Your Hoo-Ha Is Burning"
  • Pedro: Fire cunt!
• "Don't stick your finger in there; it's unsanitary!" -Abigail
• "I wouldn't want that coming out of my vag." -Abigail
• "Hey! Does anybody in this room have extra white bottoms?" -Addie
• dialogue
  • Keller: I'll just watch my botany movie.
  • Katie: I don't wanna watch botany.
  • Keller: But it's plant sex.
  • Gavin: Ooh, that's hot.
• "So without further to do . . ." -Anthony
• "Wow, they just keep coming out." -Kristina
• "Katie Kleenex and Linda Lotion." -Jordan
• dialogue
  • Sarrah: Condom or birth control?
  • Anthony and Jordan: Birth control!
  • Jordan: You wouldn't want an inconvenient physical barrier.
• dialogue
  • Sarrah: Oral, yes or no?
  • Anthony and Jordan: Yes.
  • Jordan: (dejectedly) I mean, what other answer is there?
• dialogue
  • Anthony: Snow resort or beach?
  • Sarrah and Jordan: Snow resort.
  • Jordan: Stay inside all day and never even see the slopes.
• dialogue
  • Anthony: Water park or playground park?
  • Jordan: No, absolutely not. That's where children are.
• dialogue
  • Anthony: Jordan, hand job or blow job?
  • Jordan: Oh, no, no, no. That's too hard.
• "Oh, no. I can't handle the swab." -Weston, watching a video on maggot therapy
• dialogue
  • Patsy: Domaneak! You're not listening to me.
  • B-Rob: I want him to play video games. You're not going to win this one.
• "It's floppy and useless." -Ross
• "Oh, Crystal likes to sleep a lot. Crystal likes to sleep too early." -Chris, singing
• "What more can we do than give our hearts to each other, for each other?" -Prof. John
• "I can't believe I watched Titanic twice. Jack was in my dreams all night. Not those kind of dreams." -Prof. Carey
• "I literally wrote, 'To do by Friday: not kill myself.'" -Emillea
• "I want to see her play Vivaldi. That would be a lot of vibrato. You know what vibrato is? It's highly suggestive. Lucky violin. I want to be that violin." -Jordan
• dialogue
  • Prof. John: Almost all jump rope rhymes are mating songs.
  • Kristina: (covers her face) Oh!
  • Rob: How come guys never caught on to this?
  • Prof. John: Kristina sees her childhood burning before her eyes.
• dialogue
  • Pedro: Teabags—do you get it?
  • Ted: Teabag?
  • Me: No! Don't pollute his mind!
  • Ted: OH! I know!
  • Pedro: Looks like it's already polluted.
• "'No' means 'try harder.'" -Ross
• "Go, Emphysema! You dropped your lung!" -Sarrah, rooting for Chris
• dialogue
  • Anthony: (mockingly authoritarian) You will stand for the pledge!
  • Chris: Okay, Adolf.
  • Jordan: That's a fantastic retort. Unbelievably fantastic!
• dialogue
  • Jordan: I had the best mac 'n' cheese in Glenview.
  • Anthony: If it's not Kraft, it's not the best.
  • Jordan: Are you kidding me? Fucking Kraft.
• dialogue
  • Chris: Is Weston gay?
  • Jordan: If he's not, the fabric of the universe is falling apart.
• dialogue
  • Kristina: I wanna read your Cosmo.
  • Abby: It's really good. It's the bad bitches issue.
• "My wife's name is Ann Arbor. Her sister is Pearl. Their father had a sense of humor." -Prof. John
• dialogue
  • Prof. John: "Mr Hubert was a bachelor too, like Uncle Buck and Uncle Buddy."
  • Maddy: So they're not the parentals . . . maybe.
  • Prof. John: Maddy, I think we need to have a talk. (sits across from her) People don't need to be married to have children.
• "How many of you think you will be married five years from today?" -Prof. John
• dialogue
  • Chris: See? This is nice. We get some fresh air, and I get to smoke a cigarette.
  • Pedro: Well, it's not fresh anymore.
• "I know this sounds like something a drunk person would say, but I'm really glad I met you guys." -Ross
• dialogue
  • Ross: I've always wanted to do this. (tips a vodka bottle upside down into his mouth)
  • Me: Did you finish it?
  • Ross: No, I didn't even get a drop. Oh, there's the drop. (tips the bottle again) Will it have enough momentum to get to my mouth?
• "Why the heck do these computers take so slow?" -Chris
• "CHILL THE FUCK OUT, MAN! CHILL THE FUCK OUT!" -Frat Boy
• dialogue
  • Chris: (eating the whites of an orange rind)
  • Amber: I have chewable Vitamin C.
  • Chris: No! You're being lied to.
• "Don't take Viagra if you have a heart condition. That shit will mess you up. I know." -Gavin
• dialogue
  • Camden: I've heard of people having heart attacks during sex.
  • Jordan: That would be the way to go.
• dialogue
  • Jordan: Does anyone have a feather duster?
  • Amber: You can use Val's head.
• "She makes me so angry, I forget my peeness." -Alessia
• "It's so funny to see animals fly through the air." -Pedro, after kicking a giant Halloween spider
• "What's this bubble wrap doing not popped?" -Ross, before stomping on bubble wrap in the middle of the hall
• "Yeah, I was gonna be a serious business woman for Halloween. Gonna go get that promotion." -Chris, stands on his toes
• "Fashion is useless. We dress nice to attract the opposite sex only to have children and get divorced. If you're good-looking, you'll look good in anything; and if you're not, then you're ugly and that's too bad." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Maddy: Where is our professor?
  • Bryant: Maybe he has swine flu.
  • Class: Aww!
  • Bryant: I said maybe, not that I wanted him to.
• dialogue
  • Jordan: Keller kept making her Sims have sex.
  • Keller: Did not! Just three times.
  • Jordan: Did you give them ample time to recharge?
• "Try not to lick things. I didn't lick any of those that I just passed out." -Prof. Carey
• "I don't know MLA from PB&J." -Prof. Carey
• "Thanks for volunteering yourself as a seat, Anna." -Prof. Ben
• dialogue
  • Chris: My boxers have a hole in the butt.
  • Me: So?
  • Chris: It's a huge hole.
  • Me: Then why don't you throw them out?
  • Chris: Because they have sentimental value.
  • Me: How so?
  • Chris: These are the boxers I wore when I met you.
  • Me: Are you serious?
  • Chris: (laughing) No.
• dialogue
  • Camden: I think the only purpose rats serve is to be lab animals. They give you bubonic plague.
  • Chris: But people give you swine flu and AIDS.
• "I want to prove Newton wrong . . . again." -Chris, on why he wants to take quantum mechanics
• dialogue
  • Chris: It smells like smoke.
  • Pedro: It's Jordan's pot.
  • Jordan: (oblivious, wearing headphones)
• dialogue
  • Chris: I broke my hand once and the guy taking the x-ray was like, "You need to straighten your hand more." And I said, "I can't do that," so he smashed my hand down.
  • Me: How'd you break your hand?
  • Chris: Long story.
  • Pedro: Jacking off too much.
  • Chris: Yeah, I was just jacking off and I came with such force that it broke my hand.
• "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry . . . Because it's a Michael Bay movie." -Chris, on the phone
• "What happened to Molly, Aston, and Weddie?" -Pedro
• "I hate my sister all over the place. She loves God." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Molly: I should start charging people for cutting their hair. Like, three or four dollars?
  • Pedro: Our friendship level will go up three points.
  • Molly: But to me, that's worth twenty dollars.
  • Pedro: It's priceless.
  • Molly: I don't know about that.
• "Groping someone is constructive criticism?" -Jordan, to Isaac
• dialogue
  • Jeanne: (to Emillea) Did you do the reading?
  • Kristina: Shit! We had a reading due?
  • Jeanne: No. Remember, this class is optional.
  • Kristina: We should get brownie points for being here.
  • Bryant: I think we should get real points.
  • Emillea: I think we should get real brownies, but okay.
• dialogue
  • Prof. John: What's your pin say?
  • Bryant: "Vote Today". Beloit Student Congress. And vote for me.
• dialogue
  • Pedro: What do you guys think of marine bio?
  • Chris: My uncle says marine biology is pre-unemployment.
  • Pedro: (pause) Well, I like fish.
• "Is music a language? Does this convey emotion? (slaps podium) This is palmistry. (slaps podium again) This is backhandry. (backhands podium) And this is nosy. (sticks his nose in Lisa's face)" -Prof. John
• dialogue
  • Me: My tongue feels frozen.
  • Pedro: I can fix that. Heh heh heh. With hot tea, of course.
• "That's amazing. Pretty scary, though. Wait—is that Hitler?" -Jordan, referring to Chris’s doodle
• dialogue
  • Patsy: Bert, I've missed you!
  • Bert: Yeah, I haven't seen you in forever. It's been great.
• "My mom cries so much." -Chris, laughing
• "Some people just aren't meant to mate. Like Sarrah." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Me: (steals Chris's cigarettes and runs)
  • Chris: (bolts after me and grabs me)
  • Me: I think you love the cigarettes more than you care about me.
  • Chris: No, if someone tried to take you away, I'd do the same thing.
• "White, male . . . aquatic?" -Prof. Carey, reading a student's self-defined ethnicity
• "I've got a lot of naked stories." -Chris
• "I can't draw penises. I haven't seen one." -Sarrah
• dialogue
  • Me: (hugging Pedro) Thanks for the pizza. Your pants are undone.
  • Pedro: Oh! I don't remember doing that.
  • Me: Did you use the bathroom?
  • Pedro: I must have. (zips his pants)
  • Sarrah: Your top button's undone, too.
  • Pedro: That's because it won't fit. I'm too fat, damn it.
• "I've never had a girlfriend. Good or bad, I don't know. But I have pizza, so it's okay." -Pedro
• dialogue
  • Chris: If someone dug up my mother's corpse and fucked her, it wouldn't matter 'cause she's dead!
  • Me: Well, you don't seem to care very much for her anyway.
• "Crystal, I don't wanna sit on you. I'll break you with my girth." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Ross: (in Chris's bed fort) Oh, I found a condom.
  • Me: (looks at Chris and laughs nervously)
  • Chris: Oh no, Crystal, we've been discovered.
  • Ross: I think I better get out of here.
  • Sarrah and Pedro: (cracking up)
  • Me: (red with embarrassment) I have to leave.
  • Sarrah: Pedro, where were you in all this?
  • Pedro: I don't know and I don't wanna know, goddamn it.
• "Don't be afraid to dance with the security guard." -Marc
• "Playaz Ball on Friday. My announcement of certain events is not necessarily an endorsement." -Prof. Ben
• "If you were an English teacher, you'd be a bitch." -Chris, referring to my proofreading
• "What gave you the perverse idea that I want to hear about your life?" -Chris, to Sarrah moping about Evan
• dialogue
  • Sarrah and Chris: Scratch. Scratch. It's a scratch. It hit our ball first.
  • Isaac: Doesn't matter. I hit the purple one.
  • Chris: Yeah, he probably knows the rules more than I do.
• dialogue, after Pedro misses a pool shot
  • Chris: Good try, Pedro, good try.
  • Pedro: Suck my fucking dick.
• dialogue
  • Sarrah: Yeah! Yeah! What the fuck! (high fives Chris)
  • (stranger looks over)
  • Sarrah: It's called team spirit.
• dialogue
  • Sarrah: (makes an unexpected pool shot) YEAH! (high fives Chris)
  • Chris: Too much team spirit.
• "Pedro is using his anger force." -Isaac, referring to Pedro clearing the pool table
• dialogue
  • Chris: Pedro, you wanna drink?
  • Pedro: You don't even need to ask.
• dialogue
  • Pedro: Like I said earlier, I'm not feeling it.
  • Chris: What is "it"?
  • Pedro: Whatever it is I'm supposed to be feeling.
  • Ross: I was feeling it earlier.
  • Pedro: During jazz?
  • Ross: That's when it was strongest.
  • Pedro: Did you get a boner?
  • Ross: I don't enjoy it that much.
  • Chris: If I could play jazz, I would get so hard while playing.
• "Don't write that down! You have to get my permission before you publish my quotes." -Chris, whenever he sees me scribbling in my notebook
• dialogue
  • Chris: Look up "men" on Google Images. See? They're all naked. Type "women". Naked. Now, Google "respectable women".
  • Pedro: You won't get anything.
  • Chris: (laughing) No results found.
• dialogue
  • Sarrah: Give me some confidence.
  • Pedro: (points)
  • Chris: Confidence looks a lot like vodka.
• "810 smelled like vagina." -Chris, referring to the Playaz Ball
• dialogue
  • Me: Will there be munchies there?
  • Pedro: We should have a steak machine.
  • Ross: That was a drunk idea.
• dialogue
  • Sarrah: Oh, Ross, my little chinchilla.
  • Ross: It's better than looking like a vulture.
• "I didn't want to tell Ross this, but he does look like a vulture." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Chris: I'm so hungry!
  • Sarrah: Eat your fruit and nuts.
  • Chris: Do I look like a fucking bear, a fucking hunter and gatherer?
• "Come here, my slippery little chicken wing." -Chris
• dialogue
  • Me: (stomach growls)
  • Chris: Hungry?
  • Me: No, I ate a lot.
  • Chris: Makin' poop?
• dialogue
  • Chris: Buy your roommate a present.
  • Sarrah: I don't know what she likes.
  • Chris: She's your roommate!
  • Sarrah: Do you know what Pedro likes?
  • Chris: Yeah. He likes video games, watching Dexter, and Batman.
• "Crystal, I'm gonna miss you. You're so purrrdy." -Chris, before winter break