Unbeknownst to them, we students do pay attention. Organized by teacher with newest quotes on top.

Mr. Anderson, European history

• I think we tend to forget the bad things and only remember the good. That's the reason women have more than one child.
• Take two pieces of tissue, jam them up there, and just leave it. (to Ivan blowing his nose throughout class)
• Have you ever gotten one of those fortune cookies that insult you? I love those. Like: There's a reason you have no friends.
• dialogue
  • McAlister: Shaving is what makes the hair grow longer.
  • Mr. Anderson: Actually, that's not true. I shave my head every day and nothing's growing.
• dialogue
  • McAlister: Girls with scars don't deserve love.
  • Mr. Anderson: Did you hear what he just said?
  • McAlister: I was obviously being facetious.
  • Mr. Anderson: No, I think you're covering up your truth by acting facetious.
• dialogue
  • Kirsten: How many of you define success by income?
  • Class: (few raise their hands)
  • Mr. Anderson: Liars.
• You have our divided attention.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Anderson: Who's keeping time?
  • Kurt: I am.
  • Mr. Anderson: Are you holding it right now?
  • Kurt: Yes.
  • Mr. Anderson: Don't let go.
  • Kurt: (completely misses the joke)
• dialogue
  • Mr. Anderson: (to McAlister) I like your hair a little longer. It's nice.
  • Marina: Especially the cowlick.
• I've noticed that the higher level students are incapable of arranging a room. And the higher up you go, the worse they are. I ask my regular students to organize the desks, and I get nice rows. I ask my IB students to arrange the desks, and I get this.
• I've heard so many presentations on why we should legalize marijuana. Okay, I get it. You wanna get stoned.
• I don't know who got the grant for this one, but someone did a study on Playboy centerfolds.
• I think anybody who's babysitted will disagree that young children don't have sexual urges. They're not just playing with trucks.
• I've always wondered why at baby showers the colors are pastel. Why not darker colors or black? Have a gothic baby.
• After the first movie, I couldn't decide if he was drunk or gay. (referring to Johnny Depp in _Pirates of the Caribbean_)
• You don't think Harry Potter's beautiful? Just because you don't like him doesn't mean he's repulsive. I mean, he's practically a girl.
• A guy walks into a bar. Purple asparagus.
• (bangs a chair on the floor) Are you ready to download this into your iPod?
• If you're Jewish, do you hold up a Star of David? (on warding off vampires)
• Guys, know this for the future: If a girl gets a haircut, it always looks good. Even if only one side is shaved.
• That must be why it's so disconcerting when students see their teachers outside of school. (double takes) "You're not where you're supposed to be." (discussing Kant's theory of aesthetics)
• Curious Andrew— It's like the little monkey that didn't quite make it famous.
• When I was in Europe, I heard people say, "Where is the toilet?" That seemed too specific to what they needed to do. (during a discussion on restroom v. bathroom)
• I've noticed women ask questions when they really mean it as statements.
• Did you notice how all I had to do was make sounds with my mouth and I could manipulate him like a puppet? (exercising his authority)
• You know how in The Flinstones, the song goes, "We'll have a gay old time"? Well, what does that mean Fred and Barney are doing? "Gay" has gone through so many transformations. First it meant happy, then it meant homosexual, and now it's used for something stupid. Can you see how there are problems with language?
• dialogue
  • Mr. Anderson: You know when you're listening to your iPod and you're sharing the earphone with somebody? Ear cuddling.
  • Alex M.: That sounds like you want to rub your ear on somebody.
  • Chris: Yeah, that sounds too intimate.
  • Mr. Anderson: You don't think sharing earphones is intimate? You're taking what's been in someone else's body and sticking it in yours.
• Did anybody else describe themselves as competitive? Okay, so the rest of you are losers?
• Girl translation: "Just kidding" really means "I just told you the truth but didn't mean to."
• Never do anything for your husband what you don't plan on doing for the rest of your life.
• When it comes to dancing, I'm whiter than mayonnaise on Wonder Bread.
• I told them to name their band "Slapping Grandma". No one would ever forget that.
• Sib from another crib. (his version of "brother from another mother")
• I would be kind of flattered if there was an entire hate group just for me.
• Let's travel a day into the future. It will take us about 24 hours to get there.
• I thought that was a musical form. When you mix country and rap: crap.
• I want to be able to go to the mall and buy livestock.
• There's a communist version of Monopoly, but it's not nearly as fun.
• I apologize if you are dating a one-armed dairy farmer.
• When I die, I think I'll have myself cremated and mixed in with the school's taco meat.
• Use the mini skirt rule for writing essays: Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting.
• You're in IB. You shouldn't need the questions in order to answer them.
• If the Enlightenment is the drug, what is the method of injecting it?
• I think I'm talking to a small minority of people.
• It's a good thing to make fun of your teachers.

Mr. Bertossa, physics

• dialogue
  • Student: What's your least favorite physics subject?
  • Mr. Bertossa: Electricity . . . I figured that would shock you guys. (nerdy laugh)
• I walk onto the scale and say, "Gravity is acting too strongly."
• I haven't used a hair straightener in years.

Mr. Boardman, English II

• dialogue
  • Student: Are you gonna have another kid?
  • Mr. Boardman: I'm not doing anything to stop it.
• Don't use contractions!
• Did I really say that?

Mr. Brielmaier, precalculus, calculus

• All right, you got two balls. You're good.
• She yells at people when they say "poop". (referring to Ms. Steffey)
• Women rule my life.
• Of forty-five multiple choice questions, there were people in his class that got only one right. How does that happen? You would have to actively defy all probability.
• To pass the exam, you don't have to be brilliant, just consistently mediocre.
• So what can you expect on the first three questions of the AP exam? A table, two curves, and a sand, poop, water question.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: I could do your life; I've done that! But, I promise you, you could not live my life.
  • Ross: Your life is easy: I'd just sit around and eat all day.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: That is not my life. That is my hobby.
• As bad as you are this year, I could not stand you last year. Sometimes, I just wanted to smash your head through the window. (to Drake)
• dialogue
  • Drake: It smells like garlic over here.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Somebody eat garlic? Somebody afraid of vampires? Somebody is a vampire?
  • Ross: What kind of vampire brings garlic?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: A bad one?
• dialogue
  • Drake: He's fat.
  • Matt: I'm not fat.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Nah, he's just got a little warming layer.
  • Matt: It comforts me to squeeze it.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Dammit! Three seconds is all I can do?
  • (boys laugh)
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Shut up.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: My wife was telling me about a problem she had, but I wasn't listening and I couldn't hear my show. But do I tell her that? I mean, I really want to watch this show, but I don't want to piss her off.
  • Kristen: I tell my mom when I'm not listening to her all the time.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: See, that's a different relationship. If you piss Mom off, you're not sleeping on the couch.
• That last quiz kicked you all in the proverbial nuts.
• dialogue
  • Patrick: Mr. Brielmaier, did you hear the Kelly laugh?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: I did, or someone ran over a puppy again.
• dialogue
  • Trevor: Mr. Brielmaier, no homo, but you look nice today.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Thanks, Trevor. What the hell!
• There's definitely more things wrong with you relative to everyone. (to Drake)
• dialogue
  • Drake: You know who he looks like? He looks like Noah.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: That's because he's Noah's brother.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Sit down.
  • Ross: I can't. It burns.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: . . .
  • Ross: The light.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Oh! That makes sense now. Because if it burns when you sit, I don't wanna know what you're doing and you should probably go talk to somebody.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Wall-E was good. For a movie with no dialogue, I liked it.
  • Patrick: I hated Wall-E.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: That's because you have to have a soul to enjoy it.
  • Melissa: Wait, are you saying you have a soul?
• dialogue
  • Matt: How many girls did you date?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Four, but they were all for a really long time. Julie, Julie, Stacy, and Julie. I have never called a girlfriend by the wrong name.
• dialogue
  • Patrick: What'd you major?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Math ed. Basically, all I can do is this. Not that I've looked into anything else all my adult life.
• I'm well-practiced in hugging myself and avoiding all contact.
• He'll walk around in just boxer shorts and I'll tell him, "Put on some clothes!" but he won't. So then I say, "All right, you put on some clothes or I take some off." He puts on a shirt. (referring to his muscular brother)
• dialogue
  • Kelsey: You're on a diet?!
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Well, no. I'm just trying not to eat everything in sight.
• I don't have to show my manhood in my car.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Cover your ears.
  • Kelly: Cover my ears?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Yes, so you can't laugh because you can't hear us.
• But I'm just saying: If you and Cliff had children, their handwriting would be impeccable.
• Yours should be easy to find. It's the atrociously written one. (to Matt)
• dialogue
  • Melissa: I got yo back.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Madison's back doesn't need getting.
• I'm so glad Worcester's been gone for a week. I inherit Mansfield.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Chad, I thought Spanish had a new teacher.
  • Chad: Yeah, but I didn't do my homework.
• I have no clue how Simpson's Rule works. What I'm gonna tell you is, "Learn the damn thing."
• I will not be here. I don't care if there is a monkey substituting you. Actually, that would be pretty entertaining, a monkey flinging its poop at you. (ducks) Watch out!
• Even your fellow wombmate doesn't agree. (to one of the Boothby twins)
• Who told you I was dancing to Hannah Montana in 3-D glasses? 'Cause it's basically true.
• dialogue
  • Kristen: Once, I was dilated for four days. They totally screwed it up.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Oh. Pupils. I was going to say, "I walked into the wrong conversation."
• Be sure you show me some work because it'd be too easy for you to find someone more intelligent than you and steal their answers because if they're smarter, they're probably smaller.
• I said you were "intelligent and maturing." (referring to Patrick's recommendation)
• (writing on board) Now, those are Christmas colors, so we're gonna throw some Hannukah in there.
• dialogue
  • Patrick: (singing) Raindrops keep falling on my head. La, la, la la, la . . .
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Yeah, 'cause that totally means, "But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red / Cryin's not for me / 'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'."
  • Chad: Wait— how do you know that? It's from a musical.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: I'm not telling you. Okay, Sesame Street.
  • Chad: Oh, that's not bad. You watch Sesame Street with your kids?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: No.
• dialogue
  • Melissa: (incoherent with laughter) Madison just thought of a new awkward word. When I asked her what it was, she spilled water all over herself.
  • Matt: I wanna know. Tell me. (peers at their list) Oh. It's "milk".
  • Mr. Brielmaier: The beverage?
  • Matt: Now, they described it as, "The white stuff that you drink."
• dialogue
  • Matt: The day I sit on a toilet and it breaks, I would kill myself. Can you imagine all that nasty water on you? I would feel so useless.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: I think you'd worry more about the shards of porcelain in places you wouldn't want them.
• They make next to no money, have no qualifications. Be nice to them. (referring to substitute teachers)
• dialogue
  • Kelsey: Why do I not want Storch?
  • Brielmaier: You don't wear skirts. You'll be fine.
• Normal, or less achieving students . . . (referring to non-IB kids)
• I'm sorry. If you're ugly, there's no boobs bigs enough.
• Worcester hates being called Donny. Mr. Gordon called him Donny for a year and a half and he couldn't convince him to stop, so he complained to me about it. Then I picked it up when Mr. Gordon stopped because that's the kind of friend I am.
• Pinky promises are sacred. If you go back on them, you have no soul.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: No nipples in the classroom.
  • Melissa and Madison: (covering their ears) So unnecessary!
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Nipple?
  • Melissa and Madison: (squeal) We will never show you our list of awkward words!
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple. Grape.
• You've grown on me. Like mold. (to Matt)
• You had to install boobies last week?
• I'm not watching the American Music Awards anymore. The Pussycat Dolls brought out poles. They're not even pretending to be singers anymore.
• Mr. Brielmaier: If you want fat chicks rolling around on a table, go to Cafe Risqué at noon . . . Not that I've done that. They don't put the pretty ones out at noon. Thus was born the term "Wednesday afternoon stripper".
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Let's look at that—what is it, gold?—box.
  • Matt: Mmm . . . Looks more like a light bronze.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: You know why? 'Cause you're a loser. A winner would look at that and see gold.
• If I haven't screwed up yet, rest assured, I will. (on why he buys flowers for his wife every week)
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: I can see people being afraid to ask Melissa out.
  • Melissa: (demanding) Why?
• I was writing on the board and I heard, "That answer's 3." I said, "Do you want to teach?" and went to the back of the room. He actually started working on the board, and I called out, "That's 12. That's 4." He got upset and sat back down. "See? It's easy to be a douche back here, isn't it?" (anecdote about a Valencia student)
• Identical twins freak me out. You should have stayed one!
• Whenever Mr. Worcester comes over, the first thing my kids do is run up and hug him. It is the creepiest thing you've ever seen. He just goes turtle on them.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: The next person who asks me if I've graded the tests is gonna get punched in the nuts.
  • Melissa: What if it's a girl?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Then I'm gonna have to at least punch you in the boob. I hear that's the equivalent. I wouldn't know; I don't have boobs. (pause) Well, I do, but they don't hurt.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: For someone who has so much to be picked on, you shouldn't be throwing stones.
  • Matt: I'm only stupid and gay.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: (laughs)
• I have an x^2 - 9, x^2 - 9, x^2 - 9. So, what I really have is I hate you. (to Zach who pointed out a shortcut after Mr. Brielmaier solved the long way)
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: We'll probably be on this lesson until Wednesday.
  • Matt: Next Wednesday?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: No, the Wednesday two days ago.
  • Matt: Sorry, I thought it was Monday. I'm really out of it. I didn't shower this morning.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: That explains why we're disgusted but not why you're out of it.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: When Lindsay Lohan was a kid, she was absolutely adorable. Same with Hilary Duff. But now they're both creepy.
  • Ross: Pedophile!
• I think I majored in the visual exploration of the female body.
• dialogue
  • Kelsey: You didn't finish the last one!
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Shut up!
  • Melissa: Hey! Don't tell her to shut up. She's nice!
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Did your boyfriend come to your defense? Oh wait, that was Melissa.
  • Melissa: You're an asshole.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: I think you need to go to room 374.
  • Melissa: I think you've flicked me off one too many times.
• dialogue
  • Matt: What's the point of bringing your girlfriend back to life if you can't touch her?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: 'Cause there's more to a girlfriend.
  • Matt: I wouldn't know.
• dialogue
  • Drake: Does unconditional love work if you find out they're not your kids?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Well, at this point they've been my kids long enough that they are my kids.
  • Drake: How about if they're babies?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Like six months old? They're still babies, so probably.
  • Drake: In the womb?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: If they're still in the womb, I would punch that pregnant whore in the stomach until the baby came out.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: You're still approaching zero. You're just coming in from the other side.
  • Ross: (mutters)
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Did you just make that dirty?
• If Superman was having sex with his biological mother, I think the Supersuperbaby would be the least of our worries.
• I remember a lot of useless crap. That's what makes me good at math.
• That's why there are strippers: daddy issues.
• dialogue
  • Kelsey: When you're doing the relatives—
  • Mr. Brielmaier: What state do you think you live in?
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: I don't understand Patrick and Samantha.
  • Kristen: Why is the world backward?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: You want a girlfriend? 'Cause to many, that would be backward.
• Most of what I say is not true. This really bugs Worcester 'cause I tell kids all sorts of lies about him. "You have a tattoo. You have a tattoo." I totally started that. "But Brielmaier said it was true, and he would never lie to us." Ha, ha!
• You look like you're stalking something or you're about to drop a poop on my floor. (to Drake)
• You may want to perpetuate the species, I don't know. Patrick, you need to promise me you won't.
• So, my woefully incompetent little ones . . .
• I purposely banned myself from Winghouse. There were too many girls working there that I knew when they were sixteen.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: You can't appreciate Hooters?
  • Matt: I just don't want to go.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: But it's Hooters!
  • Matt: I can appreciate the wings. They're good.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Oh, I've never gotten around to ordering.
• Did anybody else see that? I'm not having a stroke or anything? The lights really did flash, right?
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: If you guys (women) were as great as you say you are, you would have found a way around us (men).
  • Matt: Around Brielmaier?
• You should never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn't die.
• dialogue
  • Patrick: You can't grow a beard? What if you put Rogaine on your face?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: What if I put my elbow on your face? I can only manage a Mexican goatee.
• Patrick is a little weird. And by Patrick being a little weird, I am a little fat.
• My parents stop paying for things when you're twenty. Unless you're my sister and they let you live in the second house for free. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: What is a trough?
  • Me: The thing horses drink from.
  • Class: Oh! It's part of a wave.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Oh, my little farm-deprived children. I've got IB kids talking about physics.
• How 'bout we just count the number of times your parents screwed up? (to Drake)
• dialogue
  • Jamie: Would you give me an A if I cried?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: No, but you'd break my record of three days without making a girl cry, including my wife.
• Apparently, I'm Snorlax. My beef with Snorlax is I don't sleep. If his name was Fatlax, I'd be okay.
• My wife liked living with my gay brother because he brought a lot of pretty men home. "Holy crap you have to see this one." "No. I don't."
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Ms. Steffy's my favorite person in the world.
  • Matt: What about your wife?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: (silence)
  • Drake: What about Worcester?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: You realize we are not married, living together, dating, or even seeing each other on the side no matter what you'd like to believe?
• Madison, I'm glad you weren't very smart last year. You're kinda snooty when you're right.
• Whenever my wife got pregnant, I gained forty pounds.
• Of course you're confused. You heard less than half of an actual thought.
• Are you girls talking about the Jonas Brothers? Nick is definitely the cutest one.
• Drake, you and the back of my hand have an appointment after class.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: There are some people who will fail—
  • Drake: Why are you looking at me?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Because you're at the end of my head swivel?
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: You're an idiot.
  • Drake: You're fat.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: I could always lose weight.
• I had to get out of town 'cause my cousins started looking attractive.
• Your Asian buddy is gone and Alexis has nobody. (to Chris while class pairs up for project)
• dialogue (after Brielmaier proclaims he will die of a heart attack)
  • Drake: I'll bring you bags and bags of McDonald's.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: A slow but enjoyable death.
• Don't mess with Hannah: She'll have you holding your boobs all day.
• Aluminum's my favorite word 'cause Worcester can't say it.
• All right, mental wizards, how did I get that?
• I would like to slap your butt, but I need my job. (to Holt)
• Everyone thinks, "Aw, a little old lady," until you get her mad and she starts sounding like Hitler. (referring to his German grandmother)
• Yeah, 'cause if there's anything I'm not going to do, it's eat.
• dialogue
  • Patrick: Do you do lots of heavy lifting?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Every time I stand.
• If I understood women, I'd be able to do a lot more things in life. I could write books.
• As girly as I am, I actually came out all male. (after taking brain gender test)
• They're gonna burn me and not need oil for years.
• I can count all the way to 74 where I found your grade. (to Drake)
• Pay up and get your cookies. (selling his daughter's Girl Scout cookies)
• dialogue
  • Tunc: Show us your boobs!
  • Mr. Brielmaier: (lifts shirt)
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: This graph has a period. What does that mean?
  • Patrick: Every twenty-eight days.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: It's not a woman.
• All you ever refer to me as is "Fat Man". I'm supposed to be nice to you? (to Margot)
• I'm not coming to you. You don't get this fat walking around the room.
• Hey! Allow the other students to fail in peace. (to students talking during a test)
• What'd you do differently today? . . . You're wearing makeup! (to Sara L.)
• Never trust a midget: they always lie.
• Honey, there aren't enough flowers in the world to express my love for you. (excuse for forgetting an anniversary)
• Lure him to the top of the stairs. I'll do the rest.
• dialogue
  • Holt: What did I do wrong?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Gave up all future success in life.
• My daughter was reading out your quiz grades to me and they went something like "D, D, D, F, C, D, D, C, C, F . . ." followed by "Daddy, these people are stupid."
• While I'm talking to you, at least keep your hands off yourself. (referring to guys who make "adjustments" mid-conversation)
• I have a two-year-old: I'm used to translating words that aren't actually words.
• Don't share needles.
• Public display given there's affection. (on conditional probability)
• I used to give a quiz that was entirely casino-based. I got in trouble for that. (on probability)
• dialogue
  • Chris: Do that finger thing again.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: (flicks him off)
• The best way to move up in this class is to just not speak: silent dissension.
• That's sort of intimate. It's like a foot massage. (his opinion of drawing on somebody)
• dialogue
  • Sara L.: Milk in a glass is gross.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: As opposed to drinking it straight from the cow?
• (grunt) We're men. Sweat. Stink. Football. (after having an incredibly girly conversation with Holt)
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Once you open a bag of Doritos you have to eat them.
  • Hannah: Says who?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: (wide-eyed) Says the laws of nature!
• I cannot fix stupid.
• dialogue
  • Drake: I knew you were a jerk the moment I met you.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: And yet you still touch me in uncomfortable ways.
• I think I'm going to go in a bubble from now on. People have been touching me lately.
• Never dump one till you're sure, so keep dating both.
• They think Worcester looks like a turtle, but they're too chicken to put the drawings on his board, so they put them on mine.
• I desperately need gallon-sized jugs.
• Males just have one creepy large udder. (referring to cattle)
• Get out of my lap.
• You deny Hell's existence, yet you forget that you have to go to high school at some point in your life. (to Margot on flaws of Judaism)
• It is the only time I'm fast. (on chasing after Krispy Kreme)
• Jesus can't help you now.
• That was the single most disturbing moment of my teaching career, Ivan milking himself. I'm serious. The boy lactates!
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: (reading) A person is dropped from a building—
  • Patrick: It says object.
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Sorry, I was having Drake fantasies. (later) Do not take that out of context.
• My telepathy's broken today.
• Did you know Hannah Montana is dating one of the Jonas Brothers?
• Was that a fat comment?
• dialogue
  • Student: Do you have soda?
  • Mr. Brielmaier: No. I'm not a damn grocery store.
• If you tell me you've sewn a pirate costume, I want to see pictures.
• I was humming a song without realizing it, and it turned out to be Hannah Montana.
• My daughter's birthday is January 11, and she was born in '01, so it's binary.
• Okay, my wonderful spacially-challenged children . . .
• What are you so happy about? You're stuck in a math class for six hours. You shouldn't be smiling. You should be sad.
• You're breathing, right? Okay, you can go back to sleep now. No one's allowed to die here. If you die, there's paperwork.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Brielmaier: What is reciprocal? Four-letter word, starts with F . . .
  • Class: FLIP!
  • Mr. Brielmaier: Good, you didn't say the bad one.
• You can't make fun of Chase. That's like making fun of retards.
• I suggest you study for something you're failing. There's plenty to choose from.
• You don't need a pass to go to the office because if you get caught that's where they're going to take you anyways.

Mr. Charboneau, intern for European history

• I'm used to kids who want to beat me up.
• Light a man a fire, and he will be warm for a day. Light a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Mr. Creighton, biology III

• I'm not gonna be here tomorrow, so I'll have something for you to watch. Those of you taking the exam, I just have one request: please study.
• Oh, they have interesting things in the bathroom. (to the boys returning with Chipotle)
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: Give me three monosaccharides.
  • Kimmy: Starch.
  • Mr. Creighton: Starch?
  • Kimmy: Oh, not starch. I'm silly.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: Get your feet off the table. You think you're at home?
  • Chris: Ricky don't have a home.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: Next question!
  • Michelle: Wait, wait, wait. May I use the bathroom?
  • Mr. Creighton: Did I make you all nervous or something?
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: So when you bite into that plum, Henderson, you're really biting into a big, ripe ovary.
  • Chris: Mmm. Let me see if I have another ovary in my bag.
  • Mr. Creighton: You probably do.
• dialogue
  • Alan: Bye, white man.
  • Mr. Creighton: Bye, yellow boy.
• dialogue
  • Michelle: Sometimes when I'm eating really cold food, I get an eye freeze, not a brain freeze.
  • Mr. Creighton: That's what happens when you don't have a brain.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: You think you're a cow or something now, Ricky?
  • Ricky: Why don't you talk to Sagar? He's the one who actually doesn't eat them.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: Your eye is, uh—
  • Alex M.: Ballin'!
  • Mr. Creighton: You've been waiting to say that.
  • Alex M.: No, I just thought of it, I swear!
• dialogue
  • Chris: Are you posting the notes online?
  • Mr. Creighton: No.
  • Chris: I've got a very delicious sandwich here that's got everything you requested.
  • Mr. Creighton: Yeah? Well, what about the Chinese food and the cookies?
• You guys been on the gravy train too long.
• All physicists do is smash stuff.
• "Spherical vesicle" is just a fancy way of saying "bubble".
• Don't thank Jesus; thank me. (for postponing a test)
• dialogue
  • Alexis: They're announcing that prom is at the Harley-Davidson place.
  • Mr. Creighton: You can wear leather.
  • Will: Assless chaps.
• dialogue
  • Alex: Are you going to try to obtain some ovaries?
  • Mr. Creighton: Oh, I got ovaries.
• dialogue, on surrogate mothers
  • Mr. Creighton: You use the oven—
  • Alex M.: and bake a different cake.
• dialogue
  • Alex M.: May I please go to the restroom?
  • Alexis: No! I wanted to go . . . Okay, go. Man, now I have to go 'cause I'm thinking about it.
  • Mr. Creighton: Then don't think about it. (turns on faucet)
• Did everything come out okay? (to Michelle returning from the restroom)
• Whoa! That's a lot of stickies. (referring to tabs in April's Light in August book)
• dialogue
  • Alex M.: Lame sauce. This is the new (Planet of the Apes)?
  • Mr. Creighton: Lame sauce?
  • Alex M.: Yeah. You're gonna start using it. You better watch it.
• dialogue
  • Ricky: Mr. Creighton, why you dressed all fresh today?
  • Mr. Creighton: I'm fresh every day!
• dialogue
  • Alex: My mom's had two patients throw up their own crap.
  • Mr. Creighton: (slaps table) Awesome!
• dialogue
  • Alex: Continue with the anus. Let's go.
  • Mr. Creighton: Finally. Something you're interested in.
• When you're there, they act stupid. (forcing Michelle to move, referring to Chris and Will)
• dialogue
  • Will: Yo, Michelle set a house on fire.
  • Creighton: Yeah? How'd she do that?
  • Chris: Witchcraft.
  • Will: Voodoo!
  • Michelle: And Korean spices.
  • Mr. Creighton: D'you get those from Crystal?
  • Michelle: I'm Korean, too!
  • Me: Yeah, but she's half.
  • Mr. Creighton: Oh, a half-breed? A wannabe Asian.
• If they had this (40-degree) weather, they'd be running around with their shirts off. (in response to my Beloit visit)
• dialogue
  • Alan: Mr. Creighton, I struck Juan in his thorax.
  • Mr. Creighton: (doubles over with laughter)
• dialogue
  • Alex M.: I've hung out with Trevor (your son). How creeps is that?
  • Mr. Creighton: (gives her a funny look)
  • Alex M.: Ew! Ew! Not just us; there were other people.
• dialogue
  • Michelle: Why'd we write that down?
  • Mr. Creighton: Because I told you to.
  • Michelle: If you told me to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't.
  • Chris: I would jump off a bridge for you, Mr. Creighton.
  • Alex M.: Aww! That's so cute.
  • Chris: I love Creighton.
• dialogue
  • Kimmy: This class needs a hamster.
  • Mr. Creighon: A hamster? No way. It smells bad enough with my regular kids.
• dialogue
  • Ricky: (speaking in falsetto)
  • Mr. Creighton: Ricky, are you okay? Did somebody hit you or something?
• Dang crackheads.
• dialogue
  • Ricky: Can I go to the restroom?
  • Mr. Creighton: No, you have to wait a few minutes.
  • Ricky: (leaves)
  • Mr. Creighton: (locks all the doors)
  • Ricky: (enters through closet via Mr. Nusbaum's room)
  • Mr. Creighton: Hey, what are you doing? (pushes Ricky out)
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: ¡Siéntate! That means, "Sit down."
  • Ricky: In Spanish?
  • Mr. Creighton: How do you say that in Hindi? (with Indian accent) Will you all sit down?
• dialogue
  • Interviewer: What song do you consider to be your anthem?
  • Mr. Creighton: Anthem? I am not a country!
• Would you guys shut up?! You're ruining the ambiance.
• dialogue
  • Alex M.: What are we doing Friday?
  • Mr. Creighton: Having a party.
  • Alex M.: Can we bring food?
  • Mr. Creighton: Actually, no, it's a "digestion lab".
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: Give me an example of multiple alleles.
  • Alex: Superfemale.
  • Mr. Creighton: No, that's your autobiography.
• She can't read a book without pictures. (referring to Michelle)
• dialogue
  • Alex: (studying psychology) The other science.
  • Mr. Creighton: (scoffs) Psychology's not a science.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: They're doing a cool experiment. They're gonna stimulate rain.
  • Mr. Nusbaum: Oh? How're you gonna do that? By dancing?
• Calculus is the devil.
• dialogue
  • Sagar: (in Indian accent) To be, or not to be, that is the question.
  • Mr. Creighton: (in Indian accent) What do you mean that is the question?
  • Sagar: (in Indian accent) I do not know.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: Write it. So that way, it goes through your brain at least once.
  • Ricky: That doesn't work.
  • Mr. Creighton: We know your brain doesn't work. We're trying to get it to.
• Just keep rubbing it. That'll get it out.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: The longer you talk, the harder it gets.
  • Alex: That's what she said.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: (replays annoying sound effect)
  • Alexis: (holding her pencil menacingly) I'm gonna stab you.
  • Mr. Creighton: Bring it on.
• dialogue
  • Alex M.: You're trying to make us sound stupid!
  • Mr. Creighton: I don't have to try.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: (holding door for male student) Go ahead.
  • Student: Age before beauty.
• dialogue
  • Alex M.: (in robotic voice) Goodbye, Mr. Creighton. Have a good weekend.
  • Mr. Creighton: (in robotic voice) You too, Alex.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: If the giardia get in your digestive system, you get diarrhea.
  • Michelle: Do we draw it?
  • Mr. Creighton: It?
  • Michelle: Not the diarrhea! That.
  • Mr. Creighton: Some people would think it's funny because it's hot and runny.
• You deserve to be arrested. You'll get a DWI: Driving While Indian. (to Ricky)
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: We call anything that grows where we don't want it a weed.
  • Alan: You're a weed.
  • Mr. Creighton: No, you're a weed.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: Whoo hoo! We're almost out of school.
  • Alan: We're not almost out of school. We have two classes left.
  • Mr. Creighton: Well, we're closer than we were this morning.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: What is cholorophyll?
  • Class: Green!
  • Mr. Creighton: (mocking, with a look of stupidity) Green. Chlorophyll is a green.
• dialogue
  • Mr. Creighton: Juan, did you forget the pledge? I only heard half of it.
  • Juan: Oh, Mr. Byrne was talking to me. I got confused.
• dialogue
  • Chow: (enters Mr. Creighton's class) I need to talk to Sagar. (rifles through Sagar's backpack) I'm just gonna take this.
  • Sagar: No. (clutches backpack) Okay. (hands it over)
  • Mr. Creighton: Strange Asian kids coming into my classroom.
• Anyone else wanna interrupt? (taps ruler against hand)
• Humans really mate for recreation, not procreation.
• That's an elephant. I'm sure Sagar and Ricky knew that already.
• dialogue
  • Alexis: Can I go to the bathroom?
  • Mr. Creighton: In ten minutes.
  • Alexis: Wha? But— It doesn't work like that!
• If you have methane and butane, you can make bigger farts. The girls probably don't know what I'm talking about . . . You can light your farts on fire, that's what I'm trying to get at.
• dialogue
  • Alexis: I like your tie.
  • Mr. Creighton: Thanks. My mom made it for me.
  • Alexis: (giggles)
  • Mr. Creighton: Why's that funny? You're laughing at my mom.
• What kind of bond does carbon form? James Bond.
• Some organisms, depending on the situation, can reproduce either sexually or asexually. Don't know how much fun that is.