- "Alex is a friendly giant. He's like the BFG." -Abby
- "Your shoulder pads will keep you warm." -Jamie
- dialogue
- Abby: (buys a Martha Stewart wedding magazine)
- Cashier: Are you getting married?
- Abby: No, I just like looking at it.
- Cashier: Planning early?
- Abby: You could say that.
- Cashier: Are you in a relationship?
- Abby: (embarrassed) No.
- Cashier: Oh, planning real early.
- dialogue
- Me: (driving) Agh!
- Abby: Do you need help finding this place?
- Me: No, this stupid truck is just stopping in the middle of the road.
- Abby: Oh, okay. I feel bad because Jamie and I are two giddy girls looking at a wedding magazine and eating cake.
- "I'm more G than Martha Stewart, even though she's been in jail." -Jamie
- "Jamie is in it to win it." -Abby, referring to Jamie's competitive nature
- "Tiger almost ran away and I was like, 'Nooo,' and then I thought, 'Wait— Gooo.'" -Iesl
- dialogue
- Me: Tipper is an upper class cat because he's so smart and clean. Tiger is more like trailer trash since he smells so bad.
- Mom: He doesn't know how to take care of himself. That's why you shouldn't get purple hair.
- "The pilot has assured me that it is 80 degrees and sunny in Milwaukee. I don't know why anyone would wanna go to Milwaukee." -AirTran flight attendant in January
- "I've never seen anyone accelerate so slowly. She was moving about as fast as a very excited snail." -Justin
- "I don't know what it is about that kid; I can never remember what happens with him. And not just because I'm drunk." -Jamie
- "Your weed smells like dog shit. In the best possible way." -Dominic, to Chris
- "I need to buy yeast. I'm going to ferment my Juicy Juice." -Alec
- "You don't wanna see Disney's Oceans? It's rated G." -Jill, to Bob
- "I suddenly decided that—well, not very—but I've decided that I like leather." -Jamie
- dialogue
- Sagar: Where does he go again?
- Margot: Cra . . . blah . . . melon.
- Sagar: Carnegie Mellon!
- Margot: I got the melon part right. I was like, "It isn't Honeydew . . ."
- "I feel like Jackie should've been born Hispanic." -Margot
- "I bet Pedro's not too thrilled with Dio dying and all..." -Igor, on Chris's Wall
- "Crys, you're really cool. If I were a girl, I'd be you." -Alex P.
- dialogue
- Monica: Mingi, what's your number?
- Mingi: What's yours?
- Monica: Ohhh, smooth!
- dialogue
- Alex P.: We talked about private parts so much today.
- Monica: 'Cause they're the best.
- dialogue
- Jamie: So what do you wanna do?
- Me: I don't know. You were supposed to think of something.
- Jamie: I just tell you things to get you to come over.
- "I can't wait to see you! It's like Christmas; I can't sleep." -Abby, to Jamie
- "Poop poop poopy poopy poop. I'm almost twenty." -Jamie, cheerfully
- "Dang it! Crystal's stupid 'zit' is screwing up my word." -Abby, during Scrabble
- dialogue, "Paper Planes" plays on Pandora
- Me: This song's pretty timeless even though you hear it a lot.
- Abby: Spring Broke '09, baby!
- Me: I guess you did a lot of shopping.
- "Nooo! My life is over!" -Abby, when I took a Triple Word spot in Scrabble
- dialogue
- Abby: I shake my head at you, Alex.
- Alex: I shake my head right back.
- "I have natural smell-good." -Alex
- "You didn't bust my balls enough." -Michael
- dialogue
- Me: You guys are kind of abusive to Tiger.
- Iesl: We're abusive because he's so dumb.
- Me: That's like saying it's okay for teachers to hit retarded kids.
- "Don't even think about getting a snake. I won't come see you." -Mom, to me
- dialogue
- Mom: (scares away Tiger) I'm sorry, Tippy.
- Lamar: Why are you apologizing to Tipper?
- Mom: For bringing home a stupid cat.
- dialogue
- Abby: You know what I could go for right now? Nutella.
- Sofia: I think I saw that in the pantry.
- Abby: No. I had a Big Mac and three cookies.
- Jamie: (mocking) Ooh, three cookies.
- Abby: I'll get fat and go back to Vanderbilt and no one will want to be my friend.
- Me: What are you saying about fat people, Abby?
- dialogue
- Abby: You'd be amazed by the kinds of guys who join frats.
- Chris: (looks at me uncomfortably)
- Abby: Oh, are you in a frat?
- Chris: Yeah . . .
- Abby: Oh! That's great!
- dialogue
- Sofia: (describing a drunk guy who followed her to her apartment)
- Jamie: Pepper spray!
- Sofia: I did have my mace, but . . .
- Jamie: See, I wouldn't hesitate to use mine because I really want to.
- dialogue, on how to reject a guy firmly but nicely
- Chris: Are there set dates that you have to go?
- Abby: No . . .
- Chris: Oh. 'Cause you could say your grandma died.
- Abby: (disappointed) All my grandmothers are dead already.
- dialogue
- Chris: Did you hear that?
- Me: No. What?
- Chris: That kid looked at me and said, "Oh, look, another six pack guy."
- dialogue
- Mom: (to Chris) Have some watermelon.
- Me: He already did.
- Mom: Have some more.
- Me: She wants to make you fat, just like everything else.
- Mom: I love my Tippy.
- "I'm a zombie, except I eat pussy." -Chris
- dialogue
- Chris: I think California has more shark attacks.
- Me: Well, California has everything, doesn't it? Why don't you just move there? Why are you vacationing in Florida?
- Chris: Maybe I will go to California.
- Me: Good!
- Chris: And maybe they'll have white girls.
- dialogue
- Me: Have you ever used a darkroom?
- Chris: Uh, Crystal, I have a darkroom.
- Me: No, you don't. Really? You didn't show me.
- Chris: When I turn out the lights in my room, it becomes a dark room.
- "'Cause there's more types of flavors than flavors." -Chris, talking and humming in his sleep
- "Yeah, Stacey, your face looks like plastic." -Iesl
- "Wait— am I gonna be the only cow?" -Iesl, on Chick-fil-A Cow Appreciation Day
- "These cars are fucking bitches!" -Stacey, trying to switch lanes on I-4
- dialogue
- Jamie: (belches)
- Me: Lovely.
- Jamie: Thanks. That was for you. Actually, that was for Abby, but she didn't hear. Or maybe she did. Her senses are tingling. "Someone doesn't have manners."
- "Looking at magazines with you is fun. Abby and I are just like, 'Oh, that's cute. That's not.' But you say, 'That avocado looks too dry.'" -Jamie, to me
- dialogue, after receiving a bonzai tree from Chris
- Mom: Bonzais are very hard to take care of.
- Me: Oh nooo . . .
- Mom: He's testing you.
- Iesl: He wants to see how well you'll take care of his children.
- "Poor bonzai." -Mom, muttering to my tree
- dialogue
- Mom: Where's Tipper?
- Me: Over there.
- Mom: Look, Tippy, it's you!
- Tipper: (walks away)
- Mom: (going after him) I drew you. Look! (holds up a doodle of a girly cat with a bow)
- Me: That's not Tipper. That's Tipper's girlfriend.
- Mom: (sobs)
- dialogue, on my birthday
- Me: How did you get lost?
- Justin: When you said the restaurant was at the mall, I thought you meant the food court.
- Me: Why would I want to eat at the food court?
- dialogue
- Nikki: (approaches Tiger)
- Tiger: (flinches)
- Nikki: All I wanted to do was pet you.
- "I can't hold snacks. She usually holds them for me." -Aaron, pointing to Iesl
- dialogue
- Me: Where'd you get the Iceland socks?
- Iesl: Lamar, when he went somewhere. I don't remember.
- Me: Uh, Iceland?
- "I like watching him poop." -Iesl, referring to her cat
- "Who's the tramp now?!" -Jamie, as I applied a temporary tattoo to my hip
- "How can people see my tramp stamp with all my clothes on?" -Jamie
- "I don't think that'd be enough chocolate." -Jamie, referring to a chocolate ganache supreme cake slice at Publix
- dialogue, while Chris's dog Sparky drinks from the toilet
- Me: Oh no! Sparky, don't drink that. Should I stop him?
- Cheryl: Oh, no, that's fresh for him.
- dialogue
- Me: I forgot how much taller you are than I am.
- Chris: Yeah, Crystal, why are you so short?
- Me: I'm not short! I'm average.
- Chris: It's okay. I like it.
- dialogue
- Chris: Do you want donations for the beer?
- Creatch: Yeah, a couple bucks would be nice.
- Chris: Do you have a jar in the kitchen?
- Creatch: No, it's usually just my hand.
- "Can I have a cigarette? I'm not normally a smoker, but it's my last night here. And you know how the saying goes: last night, smoke a cigarette." -Chris, after quitting for months
- dialogue
- Dom: Turn it up. No, too loud. Turn it down. To 47.
- Chris: (changing the TV's volume)
- Dom: Oh, sorry. I thought you were Alex. That's why I was talking to you so sternly.
- "Should the cabin pressure change, the compartment above you will release an oxygen mask. Once you're done screaming, god ahead and place the mask over your nose and mouth." -AirTran captain
- dialogue
- Amber: I was like, "Where's Crystal?" And then I saw that she's hiding behind Chris.
- Me: Yeah, Chris and his magnificent girth.
- Ross: Ew.
- Me: Not like that! Your mind would be there.
- dialogue, with a Sprint representative
- Me: I had the Pre for a little while. It was nice.
- Derryan: I had the Pre for, like, a week. Didn't like it.
- Me: What about the Pixi— is that better?
- Derryan: Well, I'm a guy. I don't want no phone called a Pixi.
- dialogue, at Burlington Coat Factory
- Boy: Can I have that?
- Mother: (tired) No, I'm broke.
- Boy: But I love youuuu!
- Mother: You only love me when I buy you things.
- dialogue
- Iesl: I had a lot of homework and I saved it all for today.
- Me: Uh oh, that's not good.
- Iesl: I had so much fun this weekend, I don't regret it. Besides, homework's optional.
- Me: Oh, calc?
- Iesl: It's all optional, if you don't care about your grade and learning the material.
- Me: That's like saying you can walk away from a test.
- Iesl: You can! That's optional, too.
- dialogue
- Me: Whoops, I kind of molested you.
- Debbie: It's a toy store; it happens.
- dialogue, about baby Ella
- Soo: When did she cry?
- Monica: She just looks like that.
- "I told you not to call me 'Dad'! How am I supposed to pick up chicks?" -Single Father, at toy store
- "That was a sushi burp. Haven't had one of those in a while." -Customer, at toy store
- dialogue, at toy store
- Mother: What about these bracelets?
- Four-year-old Daughter: I'd rather have something that works the brain.
- dialogue
- Rachel: We have our Sophie the Giraffe teether, but it's pretty pricey because it's hardcarved from a rubber tree.
- Customer: How pricey?
- Rachel: $21.99.
- Customer: Oh, no. She can chew on a pickle.
- "Can I see that picture? Oh, nice. I look like a giant with a tiny head. Tim Kasher and I are the same height. I think that's why I got this tour." -Darren Hanlon
- "Tim doesn't believe in tucking the shirt, but I like the GQ look." -Darren Hanlon
- "This is where we break it down, except I couldn't afford to bring the whole band, but you can imagine." -Darren Hanlon, before his guitar solo
- "I'm playing Tim's guitar tonight. I'm hoping some of his charisma rubs off on me." -Darren Hanlon
- "I spent my first Thanksgiving at my record label owner's house. It was really embarrassing because his whole family was staring at me and I had gone on a massive drinking binge with Tim Kasher the night before." -Darren Hanlon
- "Do one of you guys wanna play drums? I figure I've got Tim's guitar, I might as well try to rock out." -Darren Hanlon, to Tim Kasher's band
- "I like Pat so much! He's cute and dreamy and rich. I wish I didn't know because I'd like him either way, but my mind is clouded by money." -Wendy
- dialogue
- Jamie: What is it?
- Me: LGBT or GLBT.
- Jamie: This is making me want a BLT.
- dialogue
- Zeus: Dude, do you think there's a strip club?
- Eric: Easy, don't get too excited. Yeah, but not in Hard Rock. You gotta go down the street a little.
- Josh: Oh, no wonder we couldn't find it.
- Eric: Tampa?
- Zeus: No, Miami.
- Eric: Miami has a lot!
- Zeus: We heard.
- dialogue
- SangTae: Dude, I'm so tired.
- Zeus: Here, I'll massage you.
- Eric: You'll knock him out.
- SangTae: No, I won't (pass out). Keep doing it.
jan 6 2010 ∞
jan 14 2012 +