• 07.11.11 - "I think that's why I don't have a physical type, but that just occurred to me..

I don't think I see beauty as physical attributes unless it's from behind a camera, and then it's only part of it. Otherwise.. I don't think that's it at all. Not even a little. everything beautiful will at one point look ugly, but it depends on the circumstance and state of being, mind, mood, everything...

it's probably why everyone always says I see a distorted version of the world: because I do, in a way. I don't often look at things just how they are on the surface. Maybe because I'm too distractable and I'd get bored; cuz sometimes I try to see thinks like everyone else would, without looking deeper.. And I don't like it. I always either get bored or appalled, and start drifting into that other vision.

I think the beauty of a person depends on how they feel, about themselves and the world, how they act towards anything and everything.. How they talk and how they hold themselves; on how in balance or not they are, on their health- in every sense on the word.. And also on the viewer's mind and mood.

I think a photo changes slightly with every look, because depending on the view, some things may be noticed and others may not; tiny little things you'd probably never be able to pinpoint but that still change everything, and some things that aren't even in the picture at all.

I think nature and objects all deal with the same principles, in one way or another.. Eye of the beholder, state of the universe, the light, the feel, the time, ecs.. That's why nature is more often beautiful than most things, especially concerning man; it is not prejudice, and it is rarely cruel. Everything in nature is as it should be, when man has nothing to do with it. With the possible exception of dolphins. They're the only known species that, like man, kills just for the fun of it.

That's probably why I've never really thought size had anything to do with how gorgeous or not a person was, unless I was TRYING to look just at the surface, which never lasts long. A person could be damn near a skeleton or bigger than Mr. Smith used to be, and it wouldn't matter. They could have a serious disfiguration and still be beautiful. They could be without one single pinpointable aesthetic flaw, and still be hideous.

To me, I guess beauty just... isn't physical."

• 07.12.11 - "He makes me ache from my chest to my bones."
• 07.13.11 - I'm really liking instrumental music lately... Orchestra. Like Lux Aeterna, and things by Black Violin. I so love my boyfriend for introducing me to them.
• 07.14.11 - I need to stop over thinking every little thing that upsets me.
• 07.15.11 - It's raining. It's raining a lot; I love the sound. Why aren't I dancing in the street? Why aren't I running along the roof? Splashing and squealing and dripdripdripdrop...
• 07.16.11 - "because it's the wait that's killing me.

and what you want I cannot give."

• 07.17.11 - I broke up with my boyfriend today. I feel like absolute scum. 05.08.11-07.17.11
• 07.18.11 - Sometimes, I might just be a little too open minded. Oh well. I guess life is better that way.

I've been constantly on pain pills for almost a month, and it still hurts...

• 07.19.11 - It's my little brother's birthday today. Happy 10th, Blakey. <3
• 07.20.11 - Supernova Girl - Protozoa;; missing the old days.
• 07.21.11 - and we sneaksneaksneak, because i'm weakweakweak, and he's pounding right on through my chest; breaking bones, lose control, these teeth marks never told my secrets...
• 07.22.11 - ...so what exactly counts as rape? Did I have to push him away? Did I have to fight, or was telling him right? What if I stayed even after he was hurting me... When I told him no, and when he disagreed, when I told him no, when he begged and he plead.. when he went along like I hadn't said a word. When I got scared and the stretch was pulling toward- did I have to strike out, or were words enough? 'Cause I never said yes, and this doesn't feel right at all..
• 07.23.11 - Sometimes I stay up in my room all day, changing clothes and make up just so I can dance around alone to all kinds of music. I love these days.

I want so bad to make a video like one of these.

• 07.24.11 - I donated blood today, for the first time.

Here’s to hoping someone else makes better use of my oxygenated lifeflow. ;D Haha. Yeah, I plan to make this a habit. Or at least a tradition.

• 07.25.11 - “I think there's something in the back of my brain that got a little jumbled,

and it makes me attracted to things I really shouldn't be, until it's too late.”

im·bro·glio /imˈbrōlyō/ Noun: An extremely confused, intricate, or disturbing situation;

• 07.26.11 - I'm making an effort to be nicer to everyone. I don't mean on the outside- I'm trying to change. I'm trying to stop being so cynical, so cold. I really do care, about most people. I know I've been too guarded since that summer, that change... I don't even remember how I got this way. I don't even remember what it was like to wear my heart so low and open on my sleeve. I cared so deeply and I hurt all the time because everyone else did, but it was worth it to see those smiles, to be able to make people feel better. I will gain that skill again. I will be a good addition to the world.
• 07.27.11 - Charmed makes me cry a lot.
• 07.28.11 - I feel like such a little kid, playing on Neopets again. Haha.
• 07.29.11 - Sometimes when I get really scared, I get really calm. It's strange, but I am unbelievably glad; it comes in handy.
• 07.30.11 - Hm. Haha. Lesbian sex.
• 07.31.11 - Bleh. I'm gaining weight.
• 08.01.11 - Nobody seems to want to talk to me lately...
• 08.02.11 - Five weeks, two days.
• 08.03.11 - I miss Joe. I sleep too much. Gotta lose 35-40 pounds.
• 08.04.11 - It's pretty much official, Annie's back. I miss the times when she was alive.
• 08.05.11 - Me? An Eagle? Not liking where this is going...
• 08.06.11 - I went out and got two new pairs of underwear, and four new bra&pantie sets today. They are SO freaking cute. ^_^ [This is the kind of tardiness that annoys me.]
• 08.07.11 - Guh. This is ridiculous. [how am *I* the close-minded one?!] Just... stop. All of it. No. Just don't. That's not okay.
• 08.08.11 - Grah. School is SOO close.
• 08.09.11 - Let's hope the counselor checks his email. And knows which Anne I am, now that I think about it.
• 08.10.11 - It's amazing how strange my relationships with people end up being.

We go four months either ignoring each other or arguing, and then we randomly talk for five hours, during which we argueargueargue, and somehow go from that to poking and kissing stripping and nibbling and moaning, to talking like friends again. All these ups and downs are making both our heads spin.

• 08.11.11 - Signs <3 only made one today, though. Took far too long. 12 to goooo.
• 08.12.11 - haha. well, at least I can draw boobs.
• 08.13.11 - Maybe it's good that I'm moving. I need to find people that don't have such severe mood swings/behavioral issues.
• 08.14.11 - Rah! Yay! Can't wait until tomorrow, I get to see people AND get my schedule. (:
• 08.15.11 - Here's to hoping the counselor checks his email.
• 08.16.11 - Well, I got everything I signed up for... Except art.
• 08.17.11 - Made a new friend: Seth. Well, kinda. More like got Linn a new boyfriend. Because, of course, she asked the universe for it, so she must get it.
• 08.18.11 - People are ridiculous. I'M ridiculous. Ugh.
• 08.19.11 - ...Well, that was certainly not what I had planned...
• 08.20.11 - Oops. Secret addiction? Pokemon. xD
• 08.21.11 - I miss my Jurrdanerdboi. :(
• 08.22.11 - So not used to this whole Weekend-Schoolweek-Weekend-Schoolweek thing.
• 08.23.11 - Vet's Appointment for Monday.
• 08.24.11 - Wth, are they pumping hormones into the high-school air?
• 08.25.11 - Well, that was fun. I miss Coy.
• 08.26.11 - Yayy! Meggo's birthday! And Nikki's party tomorrow! (:
• 08.27.11 - ...wow. I can't believe he just asked me out. I mean, I saw it coming. I was just kind of hoping he would chicken out. I love him. I love him sooo, so much... but, just...

what is just as Annie resurfaces, up pops another Ashley?

• 08.28.11 - Bitches annoy me.

We have to put my cat down tomorrow... I so do not want to go to school.