• Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
  • I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
• Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
• Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
• it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
• if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
• Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
• Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
• my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
• Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
• I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
• When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
• so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

drunk me is so punny.

• there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
• You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
• you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
• Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
• you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
• the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops