(ended as of 3/06)

with evidence of reciprocation (real or imagined) from the limerent object, a state of extreme pleasure, even euphoria, is enjoyed.

january - june 2014

• 3/06 — nothing
• 3/04 — nothing
• 2/28 — absent
• 2/27 — he walked up to me asking if i had a badge to get into the building to let alex in; he held the door open and i didn't make eye contact or say thanks
• 2/26 — as soon as i approached his classroom to leave, he opened the door for tutorials and said "nice evening" but my stupid anxiety kept me from responding
• 2/25 — he spent more time that usual standing near to me as i was sitting in my desk so that i had to look up
• 2/21 — riding back to campus with nate in his little green truck + h in his rusty red car met us at the intersection with his window rolled down and a cigarette and his smiling and following me with his gaze ughhhh what a BAAAABE; the smile as i entered class
• 2/20 — h’sexual innuendo and smiles; his saying i must have paraphrased his words
• 2/18 — smiles as he walks in (he never really smiles any more when he enters); he gave me the handout first; he kept smiling over at me when he made funny comments
• smiled as he walked into chemistry; gave me the handouts before the bell even rang (he NEVER did this before)
• he says "have a nice evening" or weekend rather creepily to me when we are alone; his obsession with getting the days right
• 2/07 — my bpd and anxiety kicked in and avoided giving him any attention/eye contact in class; he tapped on the desk right in front of me for attention; walked back and forth over and over again talking to himself right by me (he's eccentric when he needs attention)

september - december 2013

• i cannot even make eye contact
• he walks close by me
• aware he's waiting to say goodbye when i'm packing up my equipment but i'm being anxiety-vanessa and can't look and just walk by without saying anything thus making me seem snobby but i'm not i'm just worried about his eyes on me
• can't tell if he hated i was in his room before the period started
• maybe it's inappropriate for male teacher to be with female colleague in room alone?—he's married
• future vanessa will wait outside his room in the hallway with music in her ears and a book and not notice anything
• i'm melting in his chemistry class
• anxiety attacks before class like the hallway is closing in on little me and i might not see him or he's not there or he is in there and he'll not care and
• melting and blushing and sighing during all of class
• with all these songs in my head
• and i just want to walk with him during my lunch breaks
• i miss the ten inches of hair i cut off last week
• wondering if he does too
• his beard and how he's basically my lovemap
• his "beautiful beard" shadow-on-the-overhead comment
• basically how will i survive this semester crush anxiety when he's being cute and making silver chloride and looking behind me to the periodic table chart and all of his code switching with spanish words
• i'm not really a teenage girl
• what's happening to me
• flirting with me over chemistry handouts
• the weird looking-at-n-walking-beside-me thing and strange vibes i got when he made eye contact with me
• my anxiety over seeing him in the parking lot and forgetting everything and locking myself out of my car
• why he's always walking behind me in the lounge especially when there are hardly any printed things on the counter for him to see--why did he do this?
• why did he walk behind me when i was working when he could have taken the same route as everyone else?
• now he remembers to give me all the class handouts and i can't make eye contact

december

• when he walked behind me and said "so that was weird... [and talked about the class not being drama filled but mellow and then he compared it to being in a tumultuous relationship and missing the drama]" why?
• H and his ways of making me aware he's in the workroom or nearby by crinkling candy wrappers, the way he walks which has a specific H-walking sound, sighing heavily to get my attention
• why am i so horrible and clam up when he enters the workroom even though i want him to see me and to make small talks with him but i can't open my mouth or place my eyes with his
• crush narrative looks dire as of december 20th