- heyy lol. A lot went down since my last letter. I dont really know where to begin.. just know i fucked up exactly how i did four years ago. Lillian and Sofi said its harmful to think of bad events happening in patterns, but i cant help but think about how unfortunate it is that i went through the same exact falling out process nearly identically to when i was fourteen. I am bitter. I want them to pay. I want every one who has hurt me to pay tenfold and suffer just as much and more than what i have. Actually now that i think about it i havent fucked up at all. The audio; wait a minute..this isnt my fault, its your fault! I’m sick and tired of people who take advantage of my sweetness. I hate everyone. I love everyone! Love is never wasted, i do not care when my love grows remorseful and bitter, i do care about when it is wasted on assholes who do not give a damn about me. Fuck you, fuck you for never apologizing for anything you said while sober. Fuck you! I want to live without feeling such extremes all the time. I think im good, i know im good, i dont have to prove it, so i think i deserve peace of mind. I had a brief period of trying to imagine what i did awfully wrong in a past life for me to deserve such mental anguish. Marina asked me about a month and a half ago if i would prefer mental or physical pain. I dont have depression so i think i was biased when i said I’d rather take everything mentally. This hip pain is killing me, murdering me. I no longer want to be poetic. I want my suffering to manifest inside enough to where i can go numb and get it over with all in one go. During a bout of pmdd they told me they needed me. It felt so good it was like being shot up with twenty tons of black tar heroine. That’s quite literally all i want to hear, i made it! People say all the time that you should live for yourself, perhaps i am foolish for believing the complete opposite. I am a dog and everyone i love is God incarnate. I dont need to contribute to society, i dont give a shit about being a functional member to society, if i can go one day one second bringing laughter or judgement or concern to a person i care about that is enough. I would be enough. I finally got to eat meat properly these two days. It helped satiate a lot of physical urges, chewing urges, biting urges. Hopefully i get barbecue this week too, that would really help. If i think about it i went three months without a proper bite of meat. That’s the whole of summer vacation for scale. Fucked up! A steak would fix me. I’d love to split myself into even morsels of flesh and let my friends, those who are willing of course, to eat me so that a piece of me could stay with them forever. I’m really tired, i dont want to live very long, there’s too many unknowns that will cause me grief. I’ve wished to crawl into someone else through a gash beneath the collarbones and settle in their chest, all cozy warm and grip-like, and rest there with no further incentive to exist in the outside world. Marina has entertained the idea a couple times, to my amusement. I want to sign off on ours and Lillian’s and Amisha’s apartment already. I’m pretty ecstatic for next year, any challenges i go through would most likely be solved by coming home to people i adore so much every night. If any of our dynamics change i am afraid i will finally lose the last of my damn marbles. I can feel myself getting worse. Is it nearly as harrowing as when i was fourteen? Hardly, but that doesnt make trucking through everything raw any easier. In other news I am butch now. Heeelll yea brother! Asian boy swag. This is an awful way to end this but at least my dysphoria, if you can even call it that, from years ago has gotten considerably better. There is hope! Be the asian boything of your dreams
nov 21 2023 ∞
nov 21 2023 +