'november is the month of entrance, month of descent.' — margaret atwood

"no" vember

• no self-hate
• no excuses
• no regrets
• no quitting

— NOVEMBER

• 30; lots of hearty laughter around breakfast / i made a honey citron + pea flower blend as my morning tea. which was like drinking a cupful of violet / got stuck in traffic (in my small town, no less!) for almost 30 minutes / thai food for dinner! which means i reunited with my favorite papaya salad / last day of november in this decade. farewell, old friend.

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• 29; all i remember from this day is playing seventeen vocal team songs and falling asleep with the sound of their voice in my head / also my long, winding dream wherein i was a teacher but for some reason was being pursued for a crime i didn't commit, just lots and lots of running and escaping through doors, like alice in wonderland / in the same dream i owned so many shirts that weren't mine

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• 28; woke up sick :( / witnessing the moon arrive with venus and jupiter after the sun had set filled me with so much love and light

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• 27; woke up to news that seventeen won album of the year!!! / lisette's surprise birthday gift arrived!! like 2 hours after they told me it's been at the local post office for a week. / i'm so happi and can't believe that jam, lis and jeanie conspired to get me my first ever seventeen and the boyz albums, both in a dreamy shade of blue / the two pieces of clothing i bought online arrived today too

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• 26; began my first lesson through a very friendly and in depth website that teaches korean, i'm really happy to be able to follow the lessons well.

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• 25; had a very funny dream of being in seventeen's studio while they were busy writing and recording songs and i interrupted all of it by saying "press f to pay respects" into the mic and literally pressing f key on woozi's keyboard / read a chapter in little weirds by jenny slate that was intriguingly titled 'the blue hour'

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• 24; this is almost like an excuse but i was very sick and must have been sleeping and resting / maybe i took shots of apple cider vinegar? i can't recall

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• 23; my sleep was so dream induced and fitful and that is on ME for staying up till 1am, but it was all worth it / made a warm up of green tea with milk / carefully plucked 3 flowers from the bluebellvine plant! my tiny plastic container is full of them now / i've officially begun to do serious note taking while learning korean and i'm thinking of allotting 2 hours a day of studying it when i can / i ate chicken when i really shouldn't have hhh but we had sinigang and chicken fillet goes well with it

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• 22; made a pizza bagel to eat for breakfast / folded all my laundry / lots of anticipating / walked my dogs earlier than usual before it could rain, i bumped into my neighbor and she said kosher looks like a character from the childrens' show 'madeline' / more anticipation / drank half my favorite bottle of jasmine green tea / mom made so much tteokbokki for dinner / talked with domi about the most random things to pass time / feeling the tiniest bit disappointed and nearly losing hope! might sleep soon but my stubborn self wants to wait till 11:22pm ph time / woozi went live at 11:18pm hhhhhh / it's 1am now thanks past me for your love and stubbornness

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• 21; laundry day / harvested 2 flowers from our bluebellvine plant, who knew it would grow and bud so well even though it had a difficult time adjusting to the weather in my city; a resilient blue gal / nyna's birthday today! a new member of our 20s club / the last day of scorpio szn

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• 20; evie's day <3 / started a new drawing / i watched jenny slate's netflix comedy special 'stage fright' i knew she was delightful but learning about her haunted house of a home and her upbringing was a surprise, all of it made me more keen on reading her book 'little weirds' / looked up rene magritte paintings on google, i don't admire them often, i just wanted inspiration for nighttime dreams / professed my love to eve like i would any other day but today i felt compelled to quote "unable to perceive the shape of you, i find you all around me. your presence fills my eyes with your love. it humbles my heart, for you are everywhere" from 'the shape of water' (2017) / watched a third of 'whisper of the heart' (1995) / mom made a delicious pasta for dinner, both my heart and tummy are happi / watched the crown on netflix until i felt sleepy

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• 19; in love with iu's blueming mv!!! / the boyz japan album is finally on spotify it's what we all deserve / bianca watched little forest (2018) i love that so much for her

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• 18; made a cheesy tuna melt bagel, shared bits and pieces of it with kosher / sorted and folded my clothes / i got to gaze at the moon, surprised that it was still visible as it was almost 10am / imagined living in a hypothetical farm and cottage with friends + talked about childhood dream careers which jam and i both blurted out a nurse and fashion designer in the same order, it was so funny / talked more with dani about little weirds and our friendship / an attempt was made at baking a carrot cake but right at the start everything seemed to go wrong (the lack of ingredients for frosting) and things seemed to take too much effort on my part (grinding cinnamon into cinnamon power myself) but overall a fun learning experience! the end result tasted yucky mostly from the walnuts i have no idea why they taste weird and the texture was too wet and undercooked despite having been in the oven for almost an hour / angel surprised me by coming to my house in the evening, completely out of the blue. i crossed the gate in a speed of light, our arms both open and we hugged each other so tightly. i think we were both shocked by the force and sentiment of it all

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• 17; woke up to more lovely birthday greetings <3 / haemul pajeon for breakfast! which was actually leftover takeout food last night, it was still yummy and i only had to make a soy sauce and honey mixture for its dipping sauce / headed straight to the korean restaurant to retrieve my bag! listened to birthday song by don mclean most of the way because it makes me feel in love and it fit the provincial scenery well / got my bag!!!!! i owe ate from the restaurant a lot thank god they consider my family as a regular customer when we don't even come by as often as we'd like. if it were any other place i would have cried / promised my sister we'd buy piyaya from balay dako, it was a little bit out of way but anything for the warmth of piyaya <3 / bought coconuts from manong jerwin / went grocery shopping with my mom before coming home / binge-watched the entire season of stranded on netflix, it was terrible / read the katherine/dog-flower-face chapter from little weirds by jenny slate

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• 16; my 21st birthday [screaming begins] / woke up to a thunderstorm and had to cancel our whole trip to bulacan (my mother's province) / quite disappointed that i won't be seeing ate angel and baby matty / received the kindest messages throughout the day, some i couldn't respond to immediately because too many feelings would cloud my words but i slowly worked my way through each message, deeply thankful for each and every one of them / started talking to eve first, she brings me so much comfort! / listened to birthday.mp3 by somi while doing chores / the littlest gifts that left a great impact: songs, skies, poetry, photographs, a book chapter, letters (and the promise of more to come), a blue thread / my birthday dinner was spent at my family's favorite korean restaurant in silang where i ate until my soul was full. for dessert i got samanco ice cream (an ice creamm sandwich in the shape of a fish) and hot coffee. / i had such a lovely evening that i forgot my bag which had my wallet, a pair of glasses, and keys, i realized i didn't have it when we were only a few moments away from home / good news: i was able to call the restaurant myself, the bag was safely hidden, and i did not get a lecture on being responsible over my belongings from my parents so i'd say it was a win

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• 15; help i don't remember anything that happened on this day i think was anticipating the following day too much

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• 14; hmmm a dizzying day, i had a headache from morning till afternoon / watered bluebellvine plant and harvested a flower as well / got woken up from my afternoon nap because the dogs were barking, turns out a package had arrived!!! for me!!! / i read jam's letter first and cried for a good 2 minutes. even just the blue thread wrapped around it makes me inexplicably tender / took a bath before recording a gift opening/unboxing video for jam, madge and domi (HUMILIATING! NOT CLICKBAIT) / i hold 'an ode' begin ver so close to my heart i don't even know why out of all the versions. maybe it's the calming blue and underwater imagery. and as florence welch once said: how big, how blue, how beautiful. / walked my dogs for the afternoon, unable to suppress a big smile

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• 13; the start of a good day / woke up to a lovely message from dani <3 she sent me a passage from little weirds by jenny slate and said that "lois could have written this" i love dani and her thoughts so much h! / it was really chilly in the morning, i had to put on a sweatshirt to even come downstairs where it was much colder / we had our great grandmother's chairs refurbished and they were delivered today!!! mang ben said good morning to me as i was fawning over how pretty it was / ate an early lunch (mi goreng with fried egg) / i got a new skirt to wear for saturday and we shopped for ingredients n other things needed for baking / while walking kosher two little kids kept wanting to be known by him. kosher was patient and let himself be petted on the head even though the kids kept squealing about how cute and nicely behaved he was

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• 12; watched princess diaries (2001) / had a long talk with jam, arri, and lauren about our extended families/relatives / more knitting / said hi to a friend on my way to the park to walk kosher, though it had already begun to rain / found the nerve to finally watch parasite (2019) it was everything i could and couldn't imagine

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• 11; emotionally the most chaotic day of the month / just did lots of knitting and watching the boyz and crying

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• 10; took my dog on a 2 kilometer walk, my gift for his birthday since it rained a lot the previous day. the distance hurt my ribs but my dog's curiosity was perfectly satisfied as he sniffed about the many wild plants + a cyclist smiled at him on our way back / domi inspired me to start my own little knitting project, just a simple green scarf from 2 bundles of yarn i've had for years / watched seventeen vocal team's orgel live genuinely so devastated over this

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• 9; kosher's 4th birthday! / i made sardine in oil and basil pasta for breakfast for today / watched an animated short film called 'my moon' and plenty more short films on the production team's vimeo page / put our homemade ube as a filling for my whole grain bagel before sticking it in a toaster for 4 minutes. if warmth could be described as a flavor it would be that ube bagel / napped the afternoon away / wrote a letter in the middle of the night
• 8; tended to the 3 plants in my bedroom / got to harvest another flower from our ever budding bluebellvine plant / listened to fka twigs'newest album 'magdalene' and felt my soul break open / talk of vampire media, mystical friends, and exchanged precious dreams with eve / put on a diy face mask that i finally got a round to making, i've been quite lethargic the past week / our new oven arrived!!! / made my tteokbokki too spicy but kosher didn't seem to mind though he did keep licking around his lips hehe

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• 7; ate madgie's bday! / my french beans were beginning to get older, so i made pasta to eat it with so they won't go to waste! it made for a fulfilling breakfast but i couldn't help but crave coffee / i was brushing kosher's fur but he wanted to be scratched at a particular place (i wouldn't) and he pushed me, which gave all of us a good laugh / did all my laundry that needed to be washed despite the unideal weather to do laundry / got around to organizing the files on my laptop, it tends to get scattered when i'm particularly busy / brainstormed a new playlist concept, hunting down new music is always an adventure / found a neat website where you generate sounds of downpour and distant thunderstorms to your liking and have it play in the background as you work / ate a delicious bistek tagalog lunch / napped for 2 hours then woke up to domi's messages telling me about her dream and i happened to be in it hehe / mom made ube halaya, one of my favorite end of the year filipino delicacies. i love it the most when it's fresh from the pot, perfectly warm and buttery / talked about a plethora of things and feelings with jam, madge, and domi to end the night

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• 6; jam talking about actually remembering her dream (a rarity) / prepared cheesy garlic bagel for my brother's breakfast / added more finishing touches to my drawing from last night / watched ponyo (2008) my heart feels so full and happi i love ponyo and sosuke i care them / the saging na saba we have have fully ripened! today's merienda is maruya made by me / remembered to water the bluebellvine plant which i kept forgetting since it's supposed to be done at night. it's a plant that loves a lot of sun / was eating watermelon for dinner and it reminded me so much of hyunjoon and eric competitively eating watermelon during summer rpg / jam and i talking about when yearning was invented in 1813 (pride and prejudice by jane austen) and then revived in 2005 (pride and prejudice dir. joe wright) / i'm at a turtle's pace with princess bari but it's a book where you can be easily absorbed in the narrative so i read a few pages, then eventually fell asleep, dreaming that i was a main character in the book

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• 5; changmin's birthday / eggs and roasted seaweed for breakfast / drank ginseng coffee as my coffee for the week / watched noma's visually pleasing and calming painting videos / mom went to the market again. she brought home buko pie and buko juice, so i had it for my morning snack / played with tommy after dinner / drank 2 cups of cold jasmine tea that achi brewed that afternoon / worked on a drawing for 4 hours and finally finished it!!! i'm free!!!

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• 4; sangyeon's birthday today and my two year mark supporting svt!!! / pan grilled bananas for breakfast again but this time i made more and ate toast with it / listened to music while doing chores / gave tommy a bath and afterwards when i was drying him with a towel he gave me a small kith / mom made paella negra for lunch!! i loved the fresh squid so much / harvested another flower from bluebellvine plant / listened to my discover weekly playlist and tree's playlists on spotify / i've been feeling a bit uninspired, i browsed pinterest which helps a lot with finding visuals and moods i want to capture or emulate in my own art / shrimp pasta for dinner! i ate well despite being allergic. will i regret it in the morning when i wake up with inflamed? yes. was the delicious fresh shrimp and al dente pasta worth it? also yes / played with tommy, he's been so playful and comfortable lately and has been less noisy too / caught up on the boyz videos and chatted with domi, madge, and jam / got to watch going seventeen before sleeping

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• 3; got my period last night and woke up feeling unwell press f / today's breakfast is cereal, pan grilled bananas coated with coco sugar, and a glass of fresh coconut water / harvested a flower from bluebellvine plant / played dragon age / gazed at the crescent moon in the sky as i walked kosher around the park / let tommy loose inside the house to play! / had seventeen music on loud speakers as i cooked and ate jjajjangmyeon for my dinner, all the while talking to domi about her dream last night / private messaging a new friend for the first time, i am delighted but still feel a tad bit socially anxious in general / watched hinapia's debut music video and it did not disappoint!!! i'm obsessed with the visuals and symbolism / just a very lazy and sleepy sunday

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• 2; made my own breakfast again, this time i prepared a toasted cream cheese bagel with french beans and a sunny fried egg / listened two new songs recently introduced to me which were love poem by iu and november by azure ray / madge shared her first commissioned art in the gc / bibimbap for lunch / mom and dad went up to our go-to wet market in tagaytay and brought home kamoteng kahoy suman and lots n lots of fresh coconut water / made a cookies and cream milkshake for myself / watched ur mom ashley and amberyeet vlogs while waiting for the rain to stop / took the same path as yesterday but this time my dog and i walked much farther and we were both flushed when we got back. i got to see the fiery sunset much closer than i would at home / let tommy loose while my family and i ate dinner and he was so smiley as he greeted every single on of us, very optimistic that we would sneak him a few bites (which we did) / spotted a beautiful crescent moon from my bedroom window / watched the boyz videos on youtube with domi!!!!! it's been awhile since we last did something like that / jam sandwich gc talking about how in a perfect world we would have a groupchat with a bunch of people who are the same age us and at the same time we really admire

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• 1; woke up to seventeen's halloween selca spam / the first day of november! good riddance to october / prepared my own breakfast, toast pizza (basically bread with marinara and cheese) + french beans / drank a cold latte while i went through new messages on my phone / i found that today was the 2 year anniversary since i went to laos alone and thought about my happiest moments throughout the trip / harvested the flowers from our bluebellvine plant, its flowers seem to bloom only a few at a time / it started to rain while i was watching kiki's delivery service (1989) for the first time, yes my heart aches / dinner was just a wild combination of cuisine as in nachos, spicy rice cakes, and puto with cheese / walked my dog much farther outside our neighborhood. despite getting catcalled on our way back, it felt so nice to walk a new trail while the air smelled of rain and damp grass. i probably should have brought my phone for security / talked to eve about a plethora of things and just felt my heart fill with love for her / chatted with madge, jam, and domi in between playing dragon age: inquisition