'it was november — the month of crimson sunsets, parting birds, deep, sad hymns of the sea, passionate wind-songs in the pines.' — l.m. montgomery, anne of green gables

• no self-hate
• no excuses
• no regrets
• no quitting

— november

• 30; it is the last day of november, falling asleep (finally) at what might have been past 2am, prepared kimchi fried rice + egg and a cup of green tea for breakfast, ordering handmade ceramic pieces and showering the seller with compliments, didn't want to waste the sunlight so i set up the washing machine to run with my laundry while i washed dishes, light chatter around our house about long term plans for the coming year, sharing a can of rootbeer with my brother as we ate lunch together, put seventeen's 겨우 on loop and slept for the afternoon, swept dried leaves and watered the plants, finished reading the poetry collection 'blue iris' by mary oliver—my favorite pieces being spring, the bleeding heart, a blessing, peonies, morning at blackwater, poppies, and of course upstream ("attention is the beginning of devotion"), one more book to go to finish my reading goal for this year, sitting in bed with my parents as we watched salt, fat, acid, heat on netflix ("for me, cooking has never been about the food. it's about what happens at the table.")

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• 29; a drizzling sunday and early day of work, drinking a cup of coffee (or two), browsing online stores for art supplies, my friend's dog running to meet me in front of their gate, ate arroz valenciana for lunch and had melona ice cream after, neighborhood deliveries, lying in bed waiting for the rain to pass, catching up with domi, listening to the 'treasure' planet score by james newton howard as i personalized my notion account, drinking 바나나맛우유

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• 28; delivered pandesal for our neighborhood clean-up volunteers, breakfast—mama baked pain au chocolat (for me) and egg tarts (for achi), caught up to heartstopper: volume three, sweeping the floors only to sit down to read 'dog songs' by mary oliver and standing up again to continue cleaning and then finding myself sitting down again to read more. my favorites are benjamin, who came from who knows where, the poetry teacher, and for i will consider my dog percy, adobong pusit and pritong maya-maya for lunch, the end of another work month (a job well done), painting my nails blue as i watched taylor swift's folklore: the long pond sessions (madly in love with the process and taylor swift's genius mind), updated my ledger and notion account

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• 27; a gloomy day, for breakfast i drank green tea and made pandesal halves into tiny pizzas with tomato sauce, sausage, and mozzarella, 'meditations in an emergency' by cameron awkward-rich, listened to jam's 'tenderness in abba & fleetwood mac' playlist while doing morning chores, cooked my brother's lunch for the day, promising to meet up with adelle, angel. and nyña for coffee, mama bought ice cream, yoga with adrienne, chatted a bit with my neighbor pat while we both walked our dogs (sat prettily on the park bench together), blasting the mamma mia! here we go again sountrack as my siblings and i waited for the rice to cook, eating mcdonald's for dinner on a rainy night, felt restless and stayed up reading heartstopper by alice oseman past midnight

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• 26; walking with my dog to start the day, had green tea and mama's homemade ensaymada first and then cooked arrabbiata pasta for breakfast, found that yoon jiyoung released a new ep called 'blue bird' so i listened to it during work, created a new playlist, mama made empanada to send to our family friends in bulacan, afternoon coffee, finished watching the crown s4 with my mom, put on yerin baek's 'every letter i sent you' in the shower, today marks 1 year since i started studying korean language

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• 25; awoke at 4:44am—a sinister time, early morning walk with kosher. chatted quietly and sat together with a grandmother and her little grandson at the park, today's breakfast was sopas and fried egg + i drank green tea for extra warmth, put on anastasia the musical as i cleaned up for the morning, bath day for my dog, chill work day (printing and cutting labels), the package i sent out arrived so soon, dreamt that i was having a lovely day with jam in my afternoon nap, dinner is (at least for me) fish tofu and green beans, sharing the last plate of sans rivals with my family, boiled hot water so mama and i could make tea (green tea for her and honey citron for me), taylor swift's folklore: the long pond studio sessions

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• 24; breakfast—green tea and dark chocolate-filled bread, got spotify premium to have proper jams for the rest of the year, neighborhood errands, lunch—pritong isda and radish kimchi, sleepily laying in my parents' bedroom as mama and i cooled off with the afternoon breeze, dinner—mama made java rice to eat with roasted chicken and garlic salmon belly f + i cooked green beans to add to my plate, warming my hands in tommy's fur (he is so good and smelled so nice)

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• 23; had a troublesome sleep but at least i got up in time for work, a hot cup of honey citron tea for breakfast (for now), a cold and windy day and it's not even raining, got to eat an egg tart from a batch mama baked, watched little forest (2018) for the nth time as i worked, sent out a package, cooked tteokbokki for merienda, new furrylittlepeach studio vlog, domi sharing her notes from a moomin conference with me and jam, rediscovering a lost poem — 'quiet morning' by karen b. winnick

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• 22; kape and suman for breakfast (the bitter coffee complements the sweetness of latik,) the art of strategically holding my blue umbrella so kosher and i could both be in its cool shade, remembering fragments of last night's dream, wrote a letter, helped ate eunice with a video assignment that inluded a few inside jokes from her uni peers, pat watched little forest for the first time, 우지의 2시간 생일 vlive and for the second year in a row my phone almost died in the middle of it, crammed week 5 of my beginner korean course in the middle of the night (i've finished!), yerin baek announcing her 2nd studio album, talking with domi until 1am

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• 21; toasted bread, leftover chips, and honey citron tea for my breakfast this morning, wrote a letter to evie, celebrating another dear friend's birthday, we have yummy suman again, a hot afternoon nap, mama made ube hopia with the halaya she made the previous night, rain started to our just as the sun was beginning to set, fried egg and mixed kesong puti with rice for my dinner (it made me miss kesong puti from bulacan), finished the last few chapters i had of banana heart summer with a wet face and a heavy heart, another cup of honey citron tea for company, making plans with angel and nyña

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• 20; overslept thinking it's a saturday, leftover lumpia, pandesal, and fried egg for breakfast, love of my life eve's birthday, was tasked to repair our screen windows and it took up so much of my day, barbara steisand crooning on speakers as my mom and i worked on our separate tasks, the cute pajama set i ordered last week came in the mail! they are so much softer and nicer than i had expected, mama baked a batch of yummy egg tarts !! her best one yet, the sky looked so magnifent today, got to see my friend and her dog when i went neighboring, granola cereal for dinner, mama making ube halaya and telling me to eat from the pot while it was still warm, reading banana heart summer with desk lamp until 11pm

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• 19; spaghetti for breakfast and a cup of coffee, started reading 'banana heart summer' by merlinda bobis, my first experience of careful note taking and highlighting on a paperback, the washing machine humming with my laundry, lumpiang shanghai and nilagang baka for lunch, received nyña's gift in the mail, mama made casava cake again, sitting on the porch with kosher as i ate my bowl of dinner, abruptly scheduled work and its equally abrupt cancellation opened up more reading time for the night

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• 18; early morning made busy with work, prepared my own breakfast since i had the time (potato and egg frittata, sausage, and bread), long afternoon nap after had work finished at noon, my dog watching me eat ube ice cream in a trance while i sat with him on the porch, the playlist 7:00am : 멀어지다

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• 17; had a bad dream but felt determined to have a good day, leftover pizza for breakfast, made myself a cup of blue tea for the first time in a long time, updated our work calendar, mama prepared tonkatsu that i've been craving for, received banana heart summer by merlinda bobis in the mail along with jam's own annotations and personal highlights + the rest of her thoughtful gifts, caught juyeon and eric on vlive

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• 16; being greeted by the kindest messages from friends & family first thing in the morning, sitting at the park with my dog. the breeze felt so nice and talking with eve in that moment brought on a wave of reassurance that i was going to be okay, the little kid who joined me and kosher on the park bench asking many questions and gently pet kosher all the while (as one does), mama made palabok for breakfast. one of my favorite dishes from her home province, making affogato, lyrics from abba and joni mitchell filling me with vigor and emotions as i finished chores for the day, mama bought pizza and root beer for lunch, watched john mulaney: the comeback kid netflix special, treated my siblings to iced coffee (which they have been asking for since the start of november), tim hortons might have just become a staple in my life, one of my oldest childhood friend angel suddenly asking me to meet up that afternoon. we opened up and chatted so loudly at the park while sitting several feet away from each other, another happy dinner, ube ice cream, reconnecting with both new and old people in my life, every year i think i will be better at thanking the people who i love and the people who love me as i am and every year i am so deeply moved that the words always abandon me and lay in a cocoon inside of me, something soft and blue from domi, received the best news from nyña. i can't wait to see her again, three pieces of literature: a letter from john cage to merce cunningham, 'acknowledgments' bu danez smith, and a fragment from 'if not, winter' by sappho

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• 15; rose at 9am still feeling the peaceful but giddy remnants of the night before, mi goreng for breakfast, listened to the latest 'my favorite murder' episode while doing chores, cramming the due units for my korean course, domi telling me about the funny dream she had, ate eunice made tteokbokki, planned a long walk for my dog before it began to rain. he was happy to make friends with a little girl instead, in love with the happy dinners my family and i have from time to time, cuddled with kosher while i went over the 'love revolution' episodes i missed last week (it's starting to get better), have begun preparing the december calendar for work even though we're still only halfway through november, many thoughts much deliberation with domi

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• 14; work began as soon as i got up this morning, made an affogato for myself during a short break from work, kdrama soundtracks played from ate eunice's phone as we cleaned up the kitchen together, the customers were so happy today that it made me happy too, mama bought sans rival on their home from a delivery, finished watching the queen's gambit while i did some last minute laundry, lots of laughter and conversation over dinner (arroz valenciana), participated in a donation drive, zoom session with loves of my life, stayed up late to recount a wild dream

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• 13; having the longest winding dream only to wake up at 9am, ate eunice gifted me something blue, mama bought ice cream, animated short film 'colza', folded laundry, painting my nails a soft blue, talked about dogs with the lady who works at the neighborhood office, the queen's gambit marathon

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• 12; stayed with kosher downstairs until 3am to comfort him, work lol, mama made the sugar on her leche flan extra dark and bitter the way i like it, catching up on sleep for the rest of the afternoon, siblings and i drank coffee together after dinner, put on gfried's 回: walpurgis night album on speaker to accompany me as i cleaned up for the night, eve's 'blue is the emotion' playlist, the lines 'not yesterday i learned to know / the love of bare november days' from my november guest by robert frost, jules brocal's mesmerizing animated short film 'sundown'

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• 11; woke up late after reading on my phone till 1am, unfortunately timed my laundry (again), lots of work and lying down in-between to rest my back, eating test cinnamon rolls mama made, watched gfriend videos on youtube before the power went out

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• 10; listening to jannabi's new album 잔나비 소곡집, watched a ghibli film i have never seen before: porco rosso (1992) which was so unexpectedly pleasant and funny to me, work consisted of peeling lots of garlic for thursday and saturday, my afternoon nap felt more like a deep sleep, caught juyeon's 퇴근길 라이브 just as i was about to start washing dishes, ordered a cute pajama set online as an early birthday gift for myself

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• 9; my dog kosher's 5th birthday, tuna pasta and pandesal for breakfast, having a cup of coffee to cheer myself up from bad dreams + weariness, re-watched howl's moving castle (2004) for the third time this year, multi-tasked work and laundry for the whole afternoon, mama cooked nilagang tahong for dinner and i enjoyed two silvanas after, listening to 'my favorite murder' minisodes to accompany me as i worked into the evening, new episode of 'going seventeen' !!

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• 8; fried egg and pesto pasta for breakfast, catching up on units in my korean course (which are due tomorrow) as i eat suman and drank tea, read a book as kosher sniffed about at the park, played with tommy who is especially masungit with me today for reasons unknown, ate two dark chocolate pieces as a treat, finished 'tales from moominvalley' by tove jansson (i was particularly fond of the tales 'the spring tune' and 'the invisible child'), watched vlogs on youtube while waiting for my facial mask to dry, spicy rice cake toast for merienda, i can't believe how i encountered a horse !!! on my spontaneous walk with kosher to the university nearby, jam is back ♡ i missed her and domi's antics a lot

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• 7; sleeping in, mama and papa drove up to tagaytay at dawn to buy ingredients, my mom ordered suman online and they tasted so good! it reminds me of the ones from bulacan, accidentally strained my back and the internet prescribed lots of rest and stretching, faint sounds of rain as my sister and i napped the entire afternoon, a cold afternoon walk with kosher, breakfast for dinner (tuyo + kamatis + itlog na pula), metastreaming with domi late into the night + feelings

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• 6; waking up from a crazy dream made me feel drowsy the entire morning, new 'my favorite murder' episode, siblings chattering about what they want to eat on my birthday, how can the sky be so blue and the winds so cool and the sun so bright today? i wish the weather was like this more often, watching the boyz's mafia game while sitting at the park with kosher, being greeted by neighborhood cat once again, mama's first time making potato bread, a full and productive day

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• 5; work first thing in the morning, fixed myself a handful of green beans, sausage, and a bagel for today's breakfast, having a cup of tea once all the dishes are washed and put away, listening to 'my favorite murder' podcast as i go about my morning chores, kosher and i bumped into his friend toffee, a package i ordered back in august arrived just in time for my birth month, the wind was cool during my early afternoon walk with kosher, delivered orders around the neighborhood,

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• 4; japchae and pandesal for breakfast, the morning was perfectly cool and sunny which is my favorite kind of weather, gave kosher a bath, reading the 'hemulen who loved silence' and 'the invisible child' chapters in 'tales from moominvalley' before lunch, worked on 2 korean lectures as it rained throughout the afternoon, seafood fried rice for dinner, stubbornly playing breath of the wild no matter how slow it is on my laptop

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• 3;‎ hearing from jam lifted a weight of worries, a relief to know that she and her family are safe, ticked off 'return package' on my to-do list, ordered mine and jam's pins once again, late afternoon nap, shyly petted a cat who was kind enough to let me. thank you neighborhood cat, finishing up prep work for tomorrow's orders, starting week 3 units of my beginner korean course on coursera, 180513 더보이즈 youtube rabbit hole

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• 2; the storm has passed but another one will come all too soon, drank 2 cups of coffee as a crazy treat, felt proud of the breakfast i made for myself: a soft boiled egg, a handful of green beans, and cream cheese toast sprinkled with lots of pepper and several drops of sriracha! met a lovely new dog during kosher and i's morning walk and the owner was kind enough to let us approach, made a digital november calendar for my mom's shop, watching a kdrama called 'when love blooms' with my mom as i worked on my notion pages, the gift of a pleasant sunset despite the clouds looming in the distance, fried tofu for dinner and a cup of granola cereal for dessert, catching up with domi (which is always a wonderful time in and of itself)

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• 1; first day of november, waking up to ate eunice folding her clothes, staying in bed until 9am, breakfast is jjajjangmyeon along with the fried egg that was already waiting for me + cream cheese toast, mama made the yummiest casava on her first try! i gave tommy an old shirt of mine so he can keep warm too (though i think it embarrases him when we fawn over how he looks), a dinner spent in the dark but the mood was light nonetheless, power outtage and water cutoff lasted late into the evening and so i resorted to reading tove jansson's 'tales from moominvalley' until it got back