'but the recollecting of bloom — keeps making november difficult' — emily dickinson, how happy i was if i could forget

• no self-hate
• no excuses
• no regrets
• no quitting

— november

• 30; the last day of november, woke up with a headache. this is what i get for staying up late watching homecha, fried egg & adobo as my late breakfast / early lunch meal, finished washing the rest of my laundry and hung them up to dry for the day, blueberry bagel with cream cheese for merienda, everyone napping in our parents' airconditioned room to cool off from the heat of the afternoon, sleeping too much and woke up when it was already dark outside, my dog bumping into his friend dachsund toffee! they were so happy to meet after weeks of not seeing each other, mama made sushi bake for dinner, finally got around to finishing 연준's 1000th day vlive, started the mini series 'my name' on netflix, last day of november giving domi her first snowfall of the year, farewell, november, you were a good old friend.

‎

• 29; this week's astro poets horoscope goes: 'a new road has appeared. you will relish it like an opening. it is that and it also a way. take the blue cup and turn it', doing schoolwork in the morning, ate pork steak with a side of kimchi for lunch, dedicating the afternoon to washing my overdue laundry, watched 'corpse bride' (2005)! i was surprised by how much i grew to like the characters and writing, giving my dogs a bath in-between waiting for the washing machine, cooking & eating tteokbokki with my phone held in another hand to watch homecha.

‎‎

• 28; coming downstairs and calling for tommy to come and greet me in the morning, mama made puto with queso & itolg na pula! i ate with corned beef for breakfast, playing with my dog as everyone else was spending their personal time alone, assisting papa with home repairs (he fixed the lighting so our living/dining room can be brighter) leftover corned beef and salmon sashimi for lunch, starting the drama 'hometown cha cha cha' on netflix to talk about it with friends, organizing my desk & cleaning our bedroom before finals week can begin for my sister, eating the last of the salmon sashimi for dinner. my family also enjoyed garlic butter crabs and sinigang na bangus sa bayabas, first time going on vidcall with jam in our almost 10 years of friendship. i'm so happy i took the chance and asked her to hang out, grateful most of all.

‎

• 27; my dog tommy hanging out in my sister and i's bedroom early in the morning. waiting for my parents, mcdo breakfast at home — i ate hotcake with longganisa & hashbrown along with fries shared with my sister and then orange juice for my drink, taking sips of coffee as i go about my morning chores, salmon sashimi for lunch and enjoying a watermelon bar popsicle to cool off, dressing up in blue, the feeling of listening to 'the chaos chapter' album in the car being a whole different experience. the perfect song for a roadtrip, passing by dogs & cows laying peacefully in their farmlands, papa inviting & treating my brother's girlfriend to have a meal with us, eating a variety of dishes at my family's favorite korean restaurant again after a long time — haemul ramyeon, samgyeopsal, duck bulgogi, but my favorite is the yangnyeom beef! it's also my first time trying it, napping on the way home while stuck in traffic, stopping by a family friend's house. it made me so happy to see and be with them safely, being welcomed home with crazy messages from dina, taking kosher out for a walk late on the evening. feeling slightly dazed but happy after coming home.

‎

• 26; waking up and feeling heavy. like i hadn't slept at all, receiving surprise mail from two of my dearest friends, a stack of books waiting to be read and loved, it's the last stock of squid from marinduque so mama made stir-fried squid and veggies in oyster sauce with a side of gaji-namul (marinated eggplant) for lunch, papa came home from his work just to eat lunch with us, spent the rest of this friday afternoon studying, finishing where i left off with be melodramatic ep. 1 and quietly cried while eating my blueberry bagel with cream cheese, ate an early dinner of egg ramyeon, rearranging the prints on my wall so i could add a new postcard, my parents coming home from the korean mart with different flavored samanco ice cream — green tea, honey hotteok, injeolmi, and chocolate, my sister perusing the books on my desk. she says the scent of them made her feel nostalgic.

‎

• 25; waking to the sounds of rain and getting up at around 3am to bring my dog in from outside. he was so round and cuddly and grateful, just coffee for breakfast but soon ate ensaymada for a morning snack, lumpiang shanghai for lunch, my sister and i wearing the top & pants from a matching set separately, getting fully vaccinated, the guy next to me in line was doodling a detailed bird, blueberry bagel with cream cheese and an icy glass of milkis for merienda as soon as we got home, lots of napping. lots of lying down, breakfast foods for dinner! spam & tortang talong and for drinks we had guava juice and what was left of the milkis from earlier, papa listing the things that make him miss his mother (food & his siblings' birthdays),it's raining tonight, made plans with a friend, the feeling of being clean and freshly showered after a long day, a handful of reese's peanut butter chips.

‎

• 24; feeling joy seeing my dog looking up at the sky to watch flocks of birds flying by. i'm not sure if the birds were migratory. i'll have to search it, i made kimchi fried rice and coffee to have for breakfast, helped mama give our dog a haircut, haemul pajeon (made with the squid from marinduque that we still have stock of) and miso soup for lunch, had a coffee bun and an ensaymada that mama freshly baked for merienda, there's a dreamlike quality again to afternoons because of cooler winds that stay until the evening; a blue weather. i haven't decided yet if i like it, it's a feeling that is close to longing, haemul pajeon again for dinner but i also snacked on koko krunch cereal, putting on my own playlist to keep me company while washing dishes, sitting on our front porch to enjoy the night. unfortunately i attract mosquitoes so i'm not able to stay long, be melodramatic ep. 1 rewatch while i work on an art assignment.

‎

• 23; had a funny but restless vivid dream. it's the same pattern again that at the end of each month i start to feel too immersed in the dreams, a grandmother who lives near the park asking for my help on how to pet my dog, "gusto ko siyang himasin," she said. i want to gently rub him, ‎hard-boiled eggs, kimchi, and steamed red bean bun for breakfast. i like topping the eggs with kimchi for every time i take a bite, chicken fillet with a side of kimchi for lunch, orderedur favorite turon for merienda, my sister is busy with uni so it's me who takes tommy to the park and got to see it warmly lit, ate an early dinner of lumpiang toge , my first time watching adventures from moominvalley. i watched its first ever episode called 'spring in moominvalley' and started crying from just the title sequence. "to chase after a dream is a wonderful thing."

‎

• 22; overslept up to 7am on a monday, sat with my dog at the park for maybe 10 minutes, for breakfast i ate corned beef and fried egg with a side of kimchi and drank hot coffee, i really like the set of songs i got on my discover playlist this week, nam tok for lunch _ i ate a small banana after. i also shared a yoghurt drink with my brother to help with the spice, mama laughing at the sight of me writing my assignments and watching happy old year (2019) at the same time, mama made hotteok with ube filling for merienda, my dog and i bumping into our friends pat + shih tzu toffee while walking for the afternoon, the sunset looked so orange & golden against my wall, preparing an envelope to fill with songs & movies, watched to do ep. 59, felt like it was time to revisit little forest (2018) again. later when i logged it i saw that i had last watched it exactly a year ago hehe

‎

• 21; sharing small bites of my breakfast with my dog — pieces of toast, hotdog, and scrambled egg, this week's astro poets horoscope goes; 'a very long way to get there is upon you. still you will enjoy it immensely. you love the ways in which the road narrows. this shows you it’s worth it', it's my oldest childhood friend/first best friend's birthday this time, giving my dog a bath, sunday general cleaning, finished half a loaf of banana bread by myself, napping all throughout the afernoon, mama made chicken empanadas for merienda which I'm not really supposed to eat but i had 4 of them anyway and shared with my dog, domi sending a picture of the spicy tteokbokki she made [crowd cheering], scorpio season coming to a close

‎

• 20; it's eve's birthday today, laying in bed until 9am no thoughts head scrampled egg, a big mug of warm taho, lots of chatter around the dining table during breakfast, sitting on the veranda with my dog, making myself a glass of milky iced coffee after i finished morning chores, lunch is spanish style bangus and kimchi jigae, my family daydreaming together trying to come up with end-of-the-year plans. we all agreed that indulging in yummy food & laying in bed at home would be the most healing, we all shared a bittersweet last serving of the mint choco ice cream, listening to phantom of the opera while washing dishes, the soft drizzle of the rain making everyone feel sleepy and sluggish all afternoon, homemade hotteok from scratch by mama. she made it with a variety of fillings — ube halaya, crushed cinnamon sugar peanuts, and buko macapuno, yummy tofu and hot soup felt perfect for the weather so I only ate kimchi jigae for dinner this time having already had my fill of hotteok, walking my dog late in the evening. we bumped into shih tzu toffee, the low hum of a saturday mass being held at the park, leah's fieldnotes' latest vlog titled 'wholesome days', 'essence of dance' vlive accompanying me as i'm writing this log in the middle of the night

‎

• 19; and just like that it's friday, toasted bread with tuna mayo and coffee for breakfast, sitting in as a patient for my sister's exam, tinolang manok for lunch, sharing the last slice of my birthday cake with my brother, watching the most recent 'to do' ep. while i make a late merienda that also doubles as an early dinner — fried egg, spocy ramyeon, and a scoop of mint chocolate ice cream to help me cool down, walking my dog and bumping into our dog friends september, vanilla & petunia, the new decorative lights at the park look so warm and inviting, playing with tommy before i start cleaning up for the night, watching samjin company english class (2020) as i tried to come up with a list of movies i want to recommend

‎

• 18; koko krunch cereal for breakfast, making my own prints of "windowsill" by lars swane & "beetle" (2021) by sha'an d'anthes and adding them to my wall, calamares for lunch, the song 'snow' by zion t. featuring lee moon sae, really happy that my sister got to go and hang out with her friends to attend online class together, last serving of calamares for dinner! all of it still from the fresh squid pasalubong my uncle brought the other night. we're eating it well, enjoying a slice of cake that's frozen just right. it was like i was eating ice cream instead, catching up on assignments while earwig and the witch (2021) plays in the background

‎

• 17; getting surprised with more thoughtful messages & well wishes i received overnight, tonkatsu paired with coleslaw and papaya salad for lunch, receiving the best mail from my friend pat & her generous heart, the playlist dina made keeping me company while studying, taejun coming on vlive late in the afternoon, baked bangus, kilawin, and papaya salad for dinner.

‎

• 16; reading messages first thing in the morning, a fragment from 'demian' by hermann hesse as well as "as freedom is breakfastfood" by e.e. cummings, fried egg, hotdog, and pandesal for breakfast. we'd just run out of coffee so i drank a cold orange yoghurt drink instead, iu's '꽃갈피둘' (a flower bookmark 2) album keeping me company while i wash dishes & other chores done after breakfast, spending my morning watching tbz & txt videos with vannia, lunch with my siblings was morcon that my mother makes with our grandmother's bulacan recipe, dina's gift of words and paintings: "infinite gradation" by anne michaels, "gratitude" by susan ludvigson, "persimmons and silk" (1997) and "mandarin with chinese plate" (2004) by cressida campbell, "everything and the kitchen sink"(2019) by jennifer diehl, and "washing in the kitchen garden" (2015) by rosemary farrer, a midday nap to ease my headache, 'wishlist' by txt playing in the background while i cut two slices of cake for me and my friend, sitting on the veranda and chattering with my friend and her dog all afternoon. we've seen each four times already this month never running out of things to talk about. today we each shared stories about the different friends we have, birthday dinner is tonkatsu (a family favorite, my papa and brother's especially) and for dessert everyone enjoyed mint chocolate ice cream, jamille never failing to make me cry like a baby every year, 'minisode 1: blue hour' on loop as i clean up for the evening, ending the day thankful for the many forms of love i receive & the love i can give in return.

‎

• 15; mama made her own take on jollibee spaghetti for breakfast! it's something i had requested some days ago because its flavour reminds me of eating jollibee as a kid. many of which were with my family and plenty of other times for jolly birthday parties, taking the time just to sit at the park with my dog this morning, our group instructor informing everyone that there won't be a lecture today hehe, eating sopas with pandesal for lunch, making a warm cup of black lemon tea to drink with turon for my merienda, mama pointing out a pretty bird she could see through window, saying hello to my friend angel and her dog from our balcony! then i came down and joined them for their afternoon walk, serving & eating my birthday cake in advance which is the torte brazo medley from conti's that angel recommended i try. i love its mango & strawberry cream layer the best! i'm so happy i got it, i think this birthday cake suits me and my family's different tastes perfectly, sitting on the kitchen floor listening to the red album & chatting with evie, my uncle dropping by with pasalubong from marinduque (papa's province) — fresh squid, fish sauce, braids of garlic, bananas, and papayas.

‎

• 14; even though i went to sleep at 2am last night i still got up at 7am and walked the dogs feeling refreshed, this week's astro poets horoscope goes: 'it can be difficult to make every piece make sense. let some of them just be. what you must know is how you have tried. nothing is lost', beef salpicao that i enjoyed with 깻잎 김치 / perilla leaf kimchi for lunch and i also ate bites of warm & syrupy minatamis na saging from the pot, spending the afternoon making a task list for all the assignments i need to finish this week so i don't forget, finally watching sha'n d'anthes aka @furrylittlepeach's 'peachtober 2021' process video! my favorite paintings were prompted by the words 'tulip', 'hand', and 'beetle.', made myself an early dinner — beef salpicao again but this time i added gochujang, leftover shredded carrots, and sesame oil so it would be more like bibimbap

‎

• 13; sleeping in till 9am. until my head started to hurt from dreaming & sleeping for a long time fried egg and tender juicy hotdog for breakfast, giving my dog kosher a long overdue bath. i was finally able to take him on a long afternoon walk that he'd been wanting, ran into a corgi, doing my skincare routine while watching 'to do' my friend came over and brought peanut butter cupcakes she made for her dog petunia whose birthday is today and wanted to share them with my dogs! kosher liked them so much and ate two, sinigang na baka for dinner, video chat with beloved friends! van & domi unboxed their maverick albums while pat & i watched and ate our food, i prepared a bowl of sliced guava wedges, koko krunch cereal pack, and an iced orange yogurt drink to snack on, jam dropping by and introducing her three lovely friends to everyone, a quiet night of talking openly and comfortably with each other until almost 2am. i feel like i'm getting to know these friends better every time we go on calls.

‎

• 12; sitting at our house's front veranda to watching my sister walk our dog for the morning, preparing & eating breakfast together with my sister since we both woke up later than usual — breakfast is fried eggs & sausages and the leftover curry from the previous night, receiving a package addressed to my sister only to find out it was actually her birhday gift for me, mama making me open the new glass cup she got me as a birthday gift as well, vietnamese spring rolls and once again: leftover curry on its very last serving, studying-studying-warm carrot loaf break-studying, mcdonald's for dinner — i caved in and ate spicy fried chicken to my heart's content and also enjoyed the french fries & coke mcfloat that my siblings and i have been craving.

‎

• 11; i dreamt of global warming becoming worse after moon plummeted into the earth and pushed its position closer to the sun, fried egg and tuyong pusit for breakfast, the perfect sunny morning for washing my laundry & bathing my dog, tried the new cafe that recently opened nearby called 'kurimi milk tea bar.' i ordered their milk tea cappuccino! i liked it a lot, 11.11 scorpio therese day, finishing the remaining 30 minutes of the movie i was watching last night, the 'what emotion do you create from?' uquiz that dina sent me, having dinner with my family, we ate chicken curry though it's more of just the curry sauce and rice for me, sharing slices of guava, 오늘의 노래 추천 from domi is 'coraline' by måneskin, chatting a bit with friends while working, eve sending a playlist of songs that feel like november to her titled 'november flush.'

‎

• 10; making french toast for breakfast, tinolang manok for lunch, mama made yummy hotteok from an easy mix flour and filled it with red bean she had already made herself and stored in the fridge, the short naps taken in-between and after studying, ate cheesy buldak ramyeon as a late snack/early dinner. somehow it isn't as tasty as i remember but it satisfies the craving for spicy food anyway, discovering more paintings by lois dodd that make me feel warm about home, made another post on '304 exhibit' of which i am so satisfied with, feeling all the emotions because of '연준의 생일 t-time', taking advantage of the little but tedious work i have to put on a movie to watch all the while, the quote "friends are for hard times." from 'sunny' (2011) dir. kang hyeong-cheol

‎

• 9; coming downstairs and making a beeline for my dog to wish him a happy birthday, pasta for breakfast, recollecting scenes from bizarre and violent dream, listening to the album 'room for living' by mereba, lunch for today is bibimbap, midday nap — i dreamt i was holding a clear umbrella and watching the rain through it, met a new dog in my neighborhood, brought over papaya salad to my friend's house, watched 'to do' ep. 59, putting on kiki's delivery service (1989) to watch/listen to while i work on my assignments.

‎

• 8; the day feeling like there's a fiesta because mama cooked lumpia and pansit, time passing by quickly as i replay my online lectures & do the assignments that come with them, reading 'txt's hueningkai just wants to make you happy' from paper magazine.

‎

• 7; talking with eve over my breakfast & morning chores, this week's astro poets horoscope goes: 'pink and green are endless. the painted drops are not rain. find the ways in which you do not radiate from the edges. find the source of things', lumpiang sariwa for lunch, catching up on lost sleep by napping the afternoon away, my friend bringing over papaya from her grandmother's garden and then coming to find me at the park. we walked around our neighborhood and reminisced about the old friends & neighbours we were fond of, finished listening to the second half of the podcast ep. 51: 'what we wanna be when we grow up' from 'say more' by melissa lozada-oliva & olivia gatwood

‎

• 6; naturally woke up at dawn even though i wanted to sleep in on a saturday morning, being in bed & passing time by watching 'to do' ep. 9, eating breakfast with my family — stir fried sausage & onions with pandesal and leftover rice, my dog meeting his friend toffee the dachsund at the park, spring cleaning my sister and i's shared bedroom & bathroom, my entire family hanging out in our parents' bedroom to share the aircon — ate eunice and i studying while everyone else napped, mama made palitaw for merienda, new post on '304 exhibit', reluctantly saying goodbye to domi at 1am after we had been on call for 5 hours already

‎

• 5; being outside with my dog when i got updated that the presents i bought for myself were being delivered today, egg fried rice for breakfast, my parcel arriving a few moments after i finish giving kosher a bath, ginisang munggo and lechon kawali for lunch, laying in my parents' bed with ate eunice while waiting for them to come home and eat dinner together, pure luck finding a perfect painting to post on '304 exhibit', this afternoon's pink sunset, ginisang munggo again for dinner but this time with vietnamese spring rolls, caught up to sangyeon & changmin's birthday vlives, tuning into 'kiss the radio' to catch juyeon, kevin, chanhee, and changmin on air.

‎

• 4; making my own eggdesal for breakfast, vannia and i watching a vlive together, getting to chat with dina before my lecture, mechado for lunch — i liked the bellpeppers best, posted on '304 exhibit', making eggdesal again for merienda which i enjoyed with another cup of coffee, ate an early dinner alone so i could have more time to stay awhile longer sitting at the park bench with my dog, my neighbours putting up their christmas lights for the year, leah's fieldnotes' latest vlog: 'relaxing days to unwind' talking about color associations, counting down the days with domi, a spiralling descent into madness with eve (which is how our conversations always seem to go)

‎

• 3; stayed in bed for a little while longer. it felt good to wake up having slept well with nice dreams, was surprised by domi who was still awake at a late/early hour, doing my module 2 assessment test, eating cheese pretzels while watching talk x today, chicken empanada for merienda which i shared with tommy & kosher peanut butter melting into the warmth of fresh & hot pandesal

‎

• 2; woke up to a blue dawn but felt weighed down by bad dreams, mama made ginataang bilo-bilo with lots of saging na saba. it was perfect for today's cool weather, the warmth of freshly baked banana bread, listening to my favorite got7 tracks and being reminded of the feeling when i'd put them on while studying back in thailand, finishing my studies earlier to be in bed by 10pm

‎

• 1; a quiet & dewy first day of november, i had horrific surrealist dreams, sitting on the stairs with tommy as he looked out the window & me waiting for rice to cook, this weeks astro poets horoscope goes: 'a quiet day will be another blessing. so many things to do but you’re excited for them. you have everything on repeat and that’s also a calming notion. talk when you want', chatting with vannia over breakfast! mama wondered how i can have someone to talk with so early in the morning and i told her it's because of our 11 hour time difference, domi's blurry autumn forests, our lunch was a variety of foods — potato salad, tinolang manok, and thai pork loin in tamarind sauce, studying & listening beomgyu ponder his birthday and play the songs he likes (wonder by adoy in particular), sharing bits of my merienda with kosher — potato salad, turon, and an egg tart hot out of the oven, napping late into the afternoon but luckily woke up to be greeted by the boyz maverick music video, kosher encountered his friend dachshund toffee! they walked & raced each other until we had to go home, learning a new word: banayad (gentle, slow, careful), placing an order for something blue, seventeen's rock with you band live session apektado so much