- [There is a reason to each of those quotes to be here but I don't feel like writing an explanation to each one so they may look very random.]
- Autarky, 22.
- ”To be honest, Oliver, I think of you more as a permaculture farm,” he says, using a world I don’t understand. He sees my discomfort. “Permaculture is a form of very delicate, small-scale, self-sufficiency farming. Certain crops are planted next to each other so any nutrients that one plant takes from the soil the outer puts back. Like the birds that peck food from a hippo’s teeth, you need a careful balance of stimuls-”
- I look at my mother. She’s watching my father with a familiar expression - a mixture of disgusts and affection - that she adopts when she sees me use my own earwax as lip gloss. I believe in recycling.
- Voodoo, 30.
- We watch the diary burn.
- "Don't feel bad," says Chips. "It's best that Zoe doesn't remember."
- Except for Jordana and me, everyone vacates the crime scene.
- We watch the cremation, the flames glow green as the felt burns. Jordana gets smoke in her eyes; she looks upward and blinks. Everything about Jordana reminds me of fire. The skin on her neck is inflamed and, as a symbol of independence, she has signed the end of her royal blue tie.
- Nepenthe, 32
- How to Fit In with People You Don't Like Even When You Are an Endomorph or The Art of Being Two Species at Once
- 34
- A nepenthe: something that helps you forget sorrow and suffering, like a bottle of poppers.
- 35
- If you feel that you must write a diary, be aware that you are writing not to document your misery, but to make your future self happy. Your diary should be a nepenthe.
- Exercise II
- Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous++++++++++++++++
- 38
- VI. Only being yourself inside your head++++++++++++++++
- __Compunction, 41_
- "That's a big love letter," she says, squinting.
- I know what I'm going to say and for a moment I wish there was a film crew documenting my day-to-day life.
- I've got a big heart," I say.
- Zugzwang, 55
- 12.5.97
- Word of the day: Flagitious—characterized by extremalt brutal or cruel crimes.
- Dear Logbook,
- All the people I'v Kissed, latest:
- [...]
- Jordana Bevan—It was a pleasant kind of blackmail. Her mouth did taste of milk. The boys at school call her Banana Heaven.
- Jordana's pros: She never speaks about herself. She could, therefore, be anything. Perhaps she is a Fabian. This makes her a socialist who advocates gradual change. She owns very nice, small breasts that I have not touched. Her moderate unpopularity makes things easier. She is a girl; to be with her makes me more acceptable in the eyes of my peers. She has not met my parents. My parents have not met her.
- Jordana's cons: When she imitates the voice of Janet, her ex-friend, she sounds like my mother—not necessarily a bad thing—but when i kissed her and looked at her breasts this made me uncomfortable. She is not a Fabian. A shame. She is fifteen and has probably never heard of socialism. I'm to young to be tied down. I want to play the field. The playing fields.
- 56
- Other things that are true:
- [...]If a graphologist were to examine my handwriting, they would notice that I am creative, sensitive, and destined for a modicum of success.
- [...]I was born in a hospital with both parents presents. My first word was is, a conjugation of the verb "to be."
- [...]This is not a diary.
- 58
- 14.5.97
- Word of the day: Echolalia—meaningless repetition of another's words.
- Dear Log,
- The problem, I think, with diaries is that they make you remember things you'd rather forget. I prefer to use the space recording the times I've got the Countdown conundrum before the contestants:
- reference—14.01.96
- speedboat—4.04.96
- 61
- 15.5.97
- Dear Log (and Jordana)
- Jordana's news cons: her spit is thicker than mine. I do not want to be in an unequal relationship.
- New cons: she has a very good aim.
- In double chemistry we were doing potassium. Everyone fears Eliot Shakespeare—he laughs at explosions.
- [...]
- Sam Portal is Church of England. I tell him that the Bible is a work of fiction. I ask him why he chooses Christianity over the other religions. I write him Post-it notes from God and stick them on the side of his physics textbook. It is important to keep duplicates of good deeds. See below:
- Dear Sam, don't listen
- to your friend Oliver
- Tate, I put him on eart to
- confuse you. Keep it on
- the hush-hush. Much love,
- the one who signs
- off with a cross. X
- [...]
- Each Saturday, and now on Wednesdays as well, I imagine what lottery numbers I would pick if I were of legal gambling age. I write them down on a sheet of paper. My numbers for last night's midweek rollover were 43, 26, 17, 8, 9, and 33. My numbers didn't come up. I saved a pound.
- Behave,
- Love, Oliver
- Pederast, 64
- 17.5.97
- World of the day: Compunction—a strong uneasiness caused by a sense of guilt.
- 67
- […]Jordana, if you're reading this, the truth is that I don't even know what cum tastes like. And I did not tell my mother any of this. I made up that whole soliloquy. Diaries are gullible.
- Shadoof, 87
- I have read that sometimes it is sexy if a man express his emotions:
- 19.5.97
- Word of the day: Jordana
- Oh diary,
- I love her. I love her. I love her so much. Jordana is the most amazing person I have ever met. I could eat her. I could drink her blood. She's the person I would allow to be shrunk to microscopic size and explore my body in a tiny submersible machine. She is wonderful and beautiful and sensitive and funny and sexy. She's too good for me, she's too good for anyone!
- I stop for a moment, expecting her to interrupt me, tell me that she doesn't buy it. But she stays silently watching. I carry on:
- All I could do was let her know. I said: "I love you more than words. And I am a big fan of word." This was a cheesy thing to say but being in love with Jordana, I have discovered, tends to make me cheesy. I told her: "I will happily wait forever for you."
- (I confess that I did think, if only for a moment, that waiting forever would be a bit of waste of our lithe and supple bodies but, nevertheless, I was willing to hold out.)
- By some mad, intergalactic fortune, she said that she was ready. We made perfect, flawless love. We were no longer virgins. But it wasn't like losing anything.
- Diuretic, 105
- "You are not okay."
- "Shit."
- "What's up?"
- "Ah, just the usual blah."
- "What's the usual blah?"
- Mum lower her voice: "Just Oliver being Oliver."
- I spin up around on the swivel chair and look up at the ceiling; Oliver being Oliver being Oliver being Oliver. I am suddenly aware of the separation between my-actual-self and myself-as-seen-by-others. Who would win an arm wrestle? Who is better-looking? Who has the higher IQ?
- 112
- I am so happy that I can think about death without getting on a downer.
- Canicide, 124
- He is a ninety-six in dog years. He has a birthday every sixty days. In the book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, its says that pets are important because they die. They allow children to adjust to death and mourning. It is in Jordana's interest that Fred should die before her mother does.
- Apostasy, 146
- On the chapped ground next to the log, I notice the word help has been laid out in lowercase twigs and leaves. It has no exclamation mark. I stare at the help. Either someone wants help or they're telling me I've found it.
- 147
- Anicca means "to see things as they really are."
- 148
- Monday 30.6.97
- Word of the day: Retreat—a place affording peace, quiet, privacy or security.
- 155
- We've been learning how to write CVs in school. It has introduceed me to the word proactive, which is like the word active, but more so. Employers also like the words challenging, interpersonal, and words with dashes, like self-directed.
- I read about expanding my consciousness. I discover a new word: egregore. An egregore is a kind of group mind that is created when people consciously come together for a common purpose. Which is what is happening at this retreat, I suppose. It is more than just a brain orgy, so the Web sites claims. An egregore is the "psychic and astral entity of a group."
- It goes on to say: "They are somewhat like angels, except that they are relatively mindless and quite willing to follow orders. They may take any number of physical forms. Some of UFO's may be egregores."
- 158
- In my research I read that some people use trees for meditation. It explained the importance of finding the right tree. The trunk represents the spine so I look for one with bad posture.
- The amount of sunlight the tree gets relates to spiritual nourishment.
- I find a dark, hunch-backed oak. At its base, two large roots protrude in a V shape, creating a kind of throne with armrests. cross-legged, I nastle between the roots with my back against its trunk. Its eczematous bark reminds me of Jordana.
- According to the Web site you have to ask the tree's permission to contact it. I try a formal approach, thinking: Dear Tree, my name is Oliver Tate. I would like to be intuitive with you, to learn about myself through your deep coonection with nature. The details are on www.forestangha.org. The tree says nothing. I don't think it'll too long—I know myself pretty well. Still, no reply. I understand the tree's indifference. If you don't say anything then I'll just assume it's okay?
- Fastigium, 166
- The overriding tone of this piece is neediness. It strikes me that the recipient of the e-mail os the one in a position of power in the relationship. Perhaps he is thinking of the phrase—treat ' em mean, keep 'em keen.
- Later alligator,
- Oliver
- PS: The truth often rhymes.
- Euthenics, 172
- 15.7.97
- Word: Euthenics—the science of improving the condition of humans by improving their surroundings.
- Botanical, 176
- "I'm saw sorry. I've bin nowhere," she says.
- She sounds more Welshy today.
- "Oh God," she says, squeezing me, "I've needed a cwtch."
- Normally, I would tell her about the other words that have no vowels. Syzygy mean the alignment of three celestial objects.
- 180
- "I brought you some matches," I say.
- She pulls the matchbox out.
- I pull her toward me again. She rests her chin on my shoulder. Her arms link around my waist. I listen to the sound of scratching. I feel a faint heat on the back of my neck.
- The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it's too late to save her.
- "I've noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear."
- She's been sensitized, turned gooey in the middle.
- I saw it happening and I didn't do anything to stop it. From now on, she'll be writing diaries and sometimes including little poems and she'll buy gifts for her favorite teachers ans she'll admire the scenery and she'll watch the news and she'll buy soup for homeless people and she'll never burn my leg hair again.
- Llangennith, 194
- If you are trying to impress someone, I find it useful to copy their speech habits. A subtle form of flattery.
- "Well, we wun't have dinner till half-five so I'll come pick you up about half-six, all right, love?
- "Oh, brill."
- "T'ra now."
- "T'ra"
- 206
- "Mam said some stuff, like she thought that they had left a pair of scissors in her brain from the operation. She actually believed that."
- "Wee-ud", Lewis says.
- You never told me that," I say, leaning forward between them.
- "You never told me that," I say, leaning forward between them.
- She looks at me for a moment and then carries on speaking.
- "But the worst thing is that I felt sorry for her, like I was the grown-up. I hated that."
- I watch Jordana talk and it feels she might be acting, like she has just invented a whole new persona. This is not to say that she is unconvincing, just that I've never seen her speak in so many full sentences. Then I remember that she's drunk a bottle of black currant Mad Dog.
- "Yeah, bad one," Lewis says.
- I nod. "Yeah," I say.
- "Nobody wants to think that their mother is vulnerable," she says. As she speaks, I notice her tongue is stained violet.
- 208
- Lewis starts laughing. Jordana laughs too, jiggling in her seat. I sit back in my seat and look around me.
- [...]
- Jordana and Lewis are still finding something funny. Their head loll.
- I test-drive a laugh. "Hahahaha," I say.
- I look at the sky for a gag. I see a drab satellite moving slowly. I think of the things I would look at with a military spy camera.
- I remember that tantra is the cosmic union of opposites, to create a polarity charge that connects with the primordial energy from which everything arises in the universe... the totality of all.
- 211
- "Christ," he says, sounding slightly terrified. "We should talk about this."
- He is badly scripted.
- "Shh." She makes the sound of the sea.
- 213
- Perspective is for astronauts.
- 215
- On the drive home, Jordana is almost friendly. She says "Bye!" witha certain longing. When I get up to my room, I prepare to write a cathartic diary entry. Instead, I find Jordana's looping handwriting:
- Word of the day: Apothegm—a blunt remark, conveying some important truth. (It took me ages last week, but I found this word for you—though I'm sure you've already heard of it.)
- Dear Oliver,
- I tried to tell you on the phone but you wouldn't listen. I figure you'll probably only believe me if it's in writing. It is over.
- I've spent the morning on the beach catching up on your diary.
- There's so much stuff that I missed. You didn't tell me about any of that weirdness with your parents.
- I read what you thought about the e-mail I sent you. I think you will get a good mark in your English GSEs. You were mostly right, yes, I was worried that my mother might die, yes, I wanted you to understand how I felt. I found the word for you because I thought you might like it.
- I had a fun time going out with you but we're just not right for each other. If it makes it any easier, I'm glad you were my first. I've left my Zippo as a gift for you in your wash bag.
- Also, I think you should know I've found someone else. (He's not a surfie.) Better you hear this from me, rather than see us walking around the Quadrant. When we are in school together, try not to look upset. I know you are a good actor.
- I'm sure there is someone else who will fall in love with you.
- Love,
- Jordana X
- Delirium tremens, 218
- I drink some of my vodka mix. Delirium tremens are the hallucinations caused by drinking too much alcohol. I take another slug.
- 219
- I pictured hundreds, thousands of useless timetables. What about the people who don't know the bus timetable is changing? Someone could be standing at a bus stop—maybe in hail or drizzle or a fierce wind—and thinking, I'll be on the nice warm bus soon. The time of the bus's expected arrival will pass and they will wonder whether they got it wrong so they'll check their timetable. And it might be getting torrential with hailstones the size of brain tumors. And the bus still hasn't arrived and the person is wondering whether it was something they did to deserve no bus. And the person might start weeping and wiping their tears from each cheek and putting their fingers in their mouth because someone once told them a lie: "You can stop crying by eating your tears." Or maybe the bus crashed—in this weather—and everyone died and what a thing to think badly of the dead for being late.
- 222
- The word defenestration, the act of throwing someone or something out a window, was first coined after a Polish revolution in 1605 when they threw the royal family through the place palace windows.
- 227
- I look at him. He looks at me. Graham and I make the high level of eye contact that you usually see only when a man is proposing his girlfriend.
- "You love your parents a lot," he says."
- He is better-looking than my father. His scar is actually a really nice feature. There's a reliability to his body, a sturdiness, like a decent tree.
- "You were just protecting them," he says.
- I could marry a man like Graham. He's a provider. I am drunk and sentimental. He speaks truth.
- "I'm sorry," I say.
- 231
- Me and Graham are doing the eye contact thing again. This is like a date.
- "Goodbye, Oliver," he says, rather formally.
- "Don't ever, come back," I say.
- He blinks at this and, okay, I suppose we have a moment.
- 232
- 14.8.97
- Word of the day: nullibiety—the state of being nowhere.
- Goodbye, my diary, goodbye.
- Apotheosis, 245
- I start to become nostalgic.
- I should have known this would happen. There is another bad thing about diaries: they remind you of how much you can lose in just four months.
- Lampoonery, 252
- Although I no longer own a dictionary, I have not forgotten as many words as I had hoped. I still remember the word nuance: a subtle difference, a shade of meaning.
- 253
- "I know it doesn't sound like much but I don't think I've ever felt so scrubbed clean, so thoroughly comfortable with being human."
- It is strange to hear your mother talk about being human because, honestly, it's too easy to forget.
- After that, we had a sort of conversation about how your body can sometimes seem totally separate. She said her body can feel like a distant bureaucracy controlled by telegrams from her brain and I said my body is sometimes like that of Mario Mario, being controlled with a Nintendo joy pad. Mario's surname is Mario.
- 254
- Jordana and I spotted each other at the same time and, out of respect or pity, she quickly unthreaded her fingers from his. I immediately crossed over the other side of the street.
- As we got closer together, walking became very complicated. I was heavy machinery. I had to deal with each movement, one after the other: lift left foot off the ground, move left foot with pavement, look straight ahead, adjust facial expression to imply nonchalance, shift weight to left foot, lift right foot, move it forward through the air.
- It was not easy.
- Opsimath, 258
- Old people only say that life happens quickly to make themselves feel better. The truth is that it all happens in tiny increments, like now now now now now now, and it only takes twenty to thirty consecutive nows to realize that you're aimed straight at a bench in Singleton Park. Fair play, though; if I was old and had forgotten to do something worthwhile with my life, I would spend those final few years on a bench in the botanical gardens, convincing myself that time is quick that even plants—who have no responsibilities whatsoever— hardly get a chance to do anything decent with their lives except, perhaps, produce one or two red or yellow flowers and, with a bit of luck and insects, reproduce. If the old man manages to get the words father and husband on his bench plaque, then he thinks he can be reasonably proud of himself.
- 261
- At the end of the play I clap my hands twenty-four times.
- Now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now.
- 262
- I try to remember her face but all I can think of is the girl's face. Which is like vanilla ice cream. Her cheekbones are single scoops.
- 267
- Unhappy people have a role in society— and that is to make the rest of us feel better.
- If this dumb fatterpillar can become a butterfly, then what does that say about me— destined, as I am, to be perma-dumped, to have all my girlfriends stolen by boys with ridiculous necks? Just thinking about giraffes makes me angry. I even hate those tribal women with the bronze rings around their throats who are always wangling their way into documentaries.
- 265
- "Oh yeah—that was cool," I say. I have no idea what she's talking about.
- Indoctrination, 288
- There are some flies knocking around and the smell of leaves.
- I sit on the bench and put my hand in my hands. I think about what would be the most interesting way to commit suicide: a skydive onto a Kremlin steeple, hanging from the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, falling on my own sword at the annual Singleton Park medieval re-creation battle. I ruffle my hair and rub my eyes. I want to make it clear to passerby, that I am unhappy.
- [...]
- I go inside my head and have a fantasy about someone—maybe a dog walker, maybe a woman, maybe a man—noticing that I am unhappy, sitting down next to me and telling me a story about their life. The story would be ridiculously traumatic. Maybe someone very close to them had died. Died in front of them. Maybe they watched their teenage son or daughter die. Or maybe they were driving the car and their only son was in the backseat, directly behind them, and he had not put his seat belt on and they had not checked whether he had put his seat belt on, which they normally would remember to do, bu they were late for yoga—yoga, of all things— and they drove quite quickly and another car pulled out in front of them and although it wasn't exactly the parent's fault, they knew that it would probably not have happened if they had been driving more slowly, and it was quite a bad crash, but not so bad a collision that it made seat belts irrelevant, and their son wasn't wearing a seat belt and his face went into the plastic headrests—it was one of those old square Volvos with the hard plastic headrest—and it was enough to send his nose back into his brain and leave him dying and ugly on the backseat; meanwhile the driver of the other vehicle was already out of his car, rubbing his sore neck, stumbling onto the grass at the side of the road, and the narrator of this story, the parent, was still stuck, strapped into the front seat with a sore neck and a damp neck and a face full of airbag, and is asking the question: "Oliver?"—oh my God, their son has the same name as me—and they're saying, "Oliver, Oliver, are you okay?"
- 296
- But i don't want to kill myself. I'm just very hungry.
- Port talbot, 298
- And once I have stared at Port Talbot for Talbot for long enough then I type the number 07734, which spells the word hELLO when you turn the calculator upside down. 7734 spells hELL. And 77345 ShELL. Which is the name of a garage that my parents boycott.
- Rhossili, 309
- The sun is setting. All the colors are there.
- "How deep is the ocean?" Mum asks. Her real surname is Hunter. Jill Hunter. The sun is setting.
- "Not sure," Dad says.
- I like it when my parents do not know things.
- Goldfish grow to fit the size of their bowls.
- "The ocean is six miles deep," I tell them.
- The sun is setting.
- And it's gone.
mar 17 2016 ∞
aug 8 2017 +