- Adreus!Asa, for being supportive of my contributions to the zexal fanwork marathons, for being so strong and open about supporting their interests, for being funny, ridiculous, adorable, strong, and kind, for being who they are, for sharing themselves with our wonderful, teeny fandom, for adding me on skype, for putting themselves behind what they love, for inspiring me regularly, for their patience with me, for everything they are.
- Asa(ntewa), for being an inspiring human being, for sharing so many of my general interests, for getting into zexal, for expressing themselves so readily, for sharing themselves with us, for posting their gorgeous face, for communicating with me at all individually, for being interesting, for existing.
- Basia, for sending me that kind message after all this time, for checking on me despite my recession, for being herself, and for being honest, and wonderful.
- Bianca, for sending me messages periodically wishing for my good mental health, for being so adorable, for recognizing our communication limitations and still being such a superb friend despite it, for being so strong and for continuing to overcome her own issues herself, for being so friendly and kind to me all this time.
- Cate, for offering her help, for being kind, generous, loving, friendly, forgiving, accepting, protective, and forgetful of things, for offering her help, for taking me in, for taking me to the hospital, for keeping me company, for going out of her way all that time to stand by my side, for speaking for me when I couldn’t, for translating my feelings for me, for supporting me, for giving me advice, for taking care of me, for watching over me, for doing so much that she didn’t have to, for saying so many kind words to me, for telling me stories, for believing in me, for wanting the best for me, for offering to take me into her home time and again, for appreciating me, for allowing me into her life, for giving me so much that I couldn’t take, for keeping me safe, for talking me through hard things, for offering me advice, for being all that she is all this time, and to do so much for me despite not knowing me personally at all, for trusting me as much as she did, for thanking me, for believing in me, for everything.
- Catherine, for offering to come and get me across the country at a moment’s notice, for offering to lend me money, for caring so much about me that she would do those things despite the fact that she’s not really “close” to anyone, least of all me, for being a back-up support so loudly, for being willing to put herself out for my sake, for being a really spectacular friend.
- Claudia, for laughing with me, and giving me her opinions, and her words, and faces, and stories, and for spending time with me, for texting me twice to ask how I was doing since I got home, for saying that she was looking forward to me being in her life more, for accepting me despite all of our differences, despite not knowing me entirely, despite everything, for supporting me and for attending the entire ordeal, for hugging me and for offering kind words and assurance when I needed it.
- Claudia’s mother, for picking up one of her daughter’s internet friends whom she’d never met as they were freshly released from a crisis center with no questions asked, for treating me like any other human being, for offering to pay for my lunch (although I wouldn’t let her), for being so kind and so polite to me and for doing me such a favor.
- Crystal, for caring, for inviting me out to the beach that day, for laughing about YGO with Shinya and I in the freezing cold ocean waves, for getting a lobster-red sunburn on her tits just like always, for reminding me of all of the good things that exist here in this hell-town, for keeping me in her life despite us having absolutely nothing in common like she has for years, for listening to me, for inviting me to her wedding, for trusting me enough to invite me to her wedding, for our mutual crippling indecision issues, for her strength, for her pursuit of a good relationship, for doing so much good for herself (finally), for her laugh, for her support.
- Deanna, for being the realest babe I’ve ever met in my fucking life, for taking care of me, for talking me through my deepest chasms of fuckheaditude, for doing this 30 day challenge with me, although it was with sparse communication, for being an inspiration on all fronts, for caring about me and checking on me, for being so supportive and real about everything.
- Einzel, for constantly sending me encouraging and loving messages, more than I can ever thank adequately for, for being so overwhelmingly sweet and concerned and kind to me, despite how distant I’ve been, for offering herself over and over again even when I began to withdraw, for being selfless, and positive, and just so good inside and out, for being that friend everyone needs but few deserve, for being Einzel.
- general
- HB, for talking me through so much, for wishing the best for me, for believing in me, for helping me over and over, especially when they weren’t in a good place to do so, for being so overwhelmingly kind and attentive to me and sending me so many positive messages over these several weeks, for existing, for being an inspiration to me despite everything, for continuing to fight, for living, for their talent, for their perseverance.
- Hika, for being so well-spoken in the best way, for being clean-cut and clear, inspiring, adorable, and engaging.
- home-made hummus, books, bagels, good sleep, dreamless nights, sunshine, the ocean, the smell of the ocean, having my father’s toes, good films, good friends, cocorosie, good phone conversations, nail varnish, zexal, getting a tan, hot tea, sleeping in my own bed, hugs, swimming, taking walks, wearing flip flops, wearing hoodies, the necklace orlando got me, the earrings kelsey got me, the cards shea sent me, the video deanna sent me before I left for the hospital, the zexal fanwork marathon(s), (I typed marathongs first, jesus christ), bruises, new bras, pants that fit, a keyboard that isn’t smashed to pieces, medication, fresh air, music, long showers, avocado, the book lys bought me, the tea shea sent me, my cat, my dog, tequila, lower gas prices, having a clean car, radio stations I’m familiar with, not having to pay tolls, not having to pay to recycle things, seeing my uncle, sonic and krystals and sushi I’m familiar with, yugioh gx, wintersleep’s new music, playing tennis with shinya and going to the beach several times, frozen yogurt, feeling at home, seeing my family, donating my clothes, air conditioning.
- I got to meet people in the crisis center, even if that place was it’s own small hell
- I’m glad Cate tried so hard to get my inpatient help, I’m glad she and Lys spent so much time with me in the hospital keeping me company
- I’m glad I don’t want to cut anymore, I’m glad I don’t really want to starve anymore, I really don’t feel much of anything, but I’m not crying all the time and hurting myself and I feel like that’s a step, so I am grateful
- I’m glad I have an appointment to get counseling on the 11th, and a follow-up psych appointment on the 14th, I’m glad I got my bloodwork done
- I’m glad I’m home, even if it’s not entirely safe for me, I’m glad I made it back safely
- I’m glad I’ve gotten to attempt medication, even if it didn’t help
- I’m glad my grandpa decided to stop drinking
- I’m glad my tax return came so we could fix our air conditioning and my car and I could seek professional help
- I’m glad that I’m still eligible for reinstatement on my scholarship, I’m glad I’m in a familiar area and that I know how to get from once place to the other and that I’m not experiencing as much stress and isolation as I was up north.
- I’m glad that I’ve gotten to see a psychiatrist, even if he didn’t speak to me for 15 whole minutes
- I’m glad that there’s sunshine and a nice pool to swim in and a nice beach to go to and that I have friends all over the world and that so many of you are fighting self-hate and so many personal problems and issues and disorders every fucking day and that you’re still here, I’m so proud of you and I’m so happy.
- I’m here to receive so many kind letters and things from so many people, to continue to be on the receiving end of such friendship amazes me constantly
- I’m so glad for all of the wonderful talented artists I’ve gotten to make the acquaintance of, I’m so glad that so many quality people populate this tiny fandom of ours
- I’m so glad I got to meet everyone in Boston
- I’m so glad Shea and Shigeru have been texting me and that Reba is okay and Orlando is alive and that my brother is passing the 9th grade, I’m glad he’s taller than me
- I’m so glad to have been able to participate in these fanwork marathons for zexal, I’m so glad that people even talk to me
- I’m so thankful that Ink went out on a limb to help me be able to leave, even though it set them back so much and I didn’t deserve it
- Ink, for putting up with me for so long, for lending me so much money, for forgiving me, even if it’s only temporary, for trusting me with anything at all, for allowing me to live with them, for listening to all of my bullshit, for giving me their smile and their laugh and their time and their friendship and some amount of trust for a certain time, for allowing me to be in their presence, for hugging me twice, it was truly a blessing, for putting up with all of my relapses and taking care of me and holding me and supporting me when I didn’t deserve it, for protecting me when I didn’t deserve it, for preventing my death when I didn’t deserve it, for encouraging my recovery when I didn’t deserve it, for drawing for me, for acknowledging me and my existence and spending time with me and giving me thing when I never deserved it, for asking me things, for telling me things, for anything at all, for everything, for absolutely everything.
- Josh, for caring whether or not I cut myself, for taking me out for vegan lunch when I got back, for listening to me, for giving me the orange and white crystal I now keep in my car, for asking me to take care of myself.
- Kelsey, for the wonderful sea leg earrings, for thinking of me at AB and in general, for caring about me, for wanting to see me (even though she couldn’t), for the hour-long drunk love messages that one night recently, for the wonderful letter that came with the earrings, for her great expressions and photos, for confiding in me, for listening to me, for cheering me up, for wanting the best for me, for appreciating my art, for trusting me, for offering herself in the event that I needed her.
- LastObjective, for having such wonderful ideas and contributing such great things into the fandom, for having such a lovely art style and a lovely personality, for engaging with me and sharing themselves with our wonderful fandom, for asking about my well being, for being here and around.
- Leon, for being THE MOST AMAZING SWEETHEART!! omg I’m not over it, for complimenting me so deeply on my artwork (top 5??? nevER GETS OVER IT!!), for being so cute and kind and lovely and friendly, for sending me that alit doodle into my askbox ;__; and then THAT OTHER DOODLE AND THAT REALLY KIND MESSAGE I’m gonna cry omg I love u, for allowing me into their life and being such a cake overall, omfg I’m so unworthy you are so cute thank u for everything.
- Lucy, for skyping with me for over an hour the other night when I was relapsing, for keeping tabs on me and asking me to drink water and eat since my medication reduced me to nothing, for caring about me, for relating to me and understanding me on such a profound level, for being strong, smart, beautiful, creative, hilarious, interesting, and clever, for being open with me and trusting me, for sharing herself with me, for drawing for me, discussing things with me and listening to me, for supporting me and wishing me so many good things even when I didn’t deserve it, for being such an outstanding friend, for being so positive, and for being so loudly “there”, especially when I needed her to be.
- Lys, for being absolutely adorable, for being level-headed and smart, and kind, and realistic, for being funny, and quiet, and so very herself, for being honest, and friendly, and open towards me, for buying that book for me, for telling the truth, for keeping me company, for being there for me even when she didn’t really know me, for smiling at me, for telling me stories, for laughing with me and sharing a fraction of herself with me, even just that little bit, the glimpse I had was incredible and I treasure it and I thank her for existing.
- Maddie, for sharing herself with me, for meeting me, for having me in her home, for sharing her feelings about GX with me, for showing all of her personal things to me, for sharing her passion for music with me, for participating in our little hijack clubhouse, for working so hard at her instruments and at school even if her family doesn’t pay her much attention, for continuing to fight the good fight and be strong and talented and fun, for being herself and for being so incredible and enjoyable.
- Mal, for sending me a few messages over all this time saying such kind things, for being such a strong, adorable person and for being kind to me despite my recession from every living thing, for outlasting life, for achieving so much, for being so brave.
- Mich, for being fucking ridiculous/hilarious all the time, for commenting periodically on my posts and expressing enormous love for me despite the fact that we don’t talk too much anymore, for our mutual shota love, for their sense of humor, for their understanding personality, for their encouragement.
- Mimi, for visiting me in the crisis center, for caring about me, for wanting the absolute best for me, for allowing me into her home, for taking me around town, for returning my calls, for taking me to get my first boba tea, for taking me to get frozen yogurt, for drinking with me, for ranting about Yu-Gi-Oh with me, for editing that photo of Orlando into a senpai-notice-me art with me, for confiding in me time and again about her relationship and about her friends and about her life, for saying multiple times that she wished I was there regularly, for being so loud, for living long enough for this amazing birthday that I wish I could have attended, for being so fun, for being so adorable, for being good at what she does, for being unforgiving, and for being so herself.
- Morgan, for being a precious person, for being kind and supportive to me despite our communication limitations, for sharing their interests, and for being the kind of person who is easy to adore in general even when you don’t share a lot of interests.
- My brother, for trying, for working so hard in school, for doing his best, for becoming a better person and student slowly but surely, for trusting me, for being affectionate with me, for spending time with me, for telling me stories, for being himself, for listening to me, for learning from me, for being all that he is.
- My cat, for being such a cat, for being so affectionate and loud and obnoxious and waking me up every hour of the night, for cuddling with me, for sleeping on me, for taking up money and time and space in my life, for being one of my greatest coping tools, for being Milo, fat and fluffy and needy and loving and absolutely perfect.
- My grandfather, for loving me, for wanting me around, for bothering the hell out of me because he worries about me, for hesitating to leave the house because he doesn’t want me to hurt myself while he’s gone, for offering me back into his home, for lending me money, for lending me an ear, for lending me himself, for putting his entire life and retirement and everything on hold for my sake, for funding my school, for funding my entire life, for keeping me safe, for holding me at night when I need it, for raising me, for supporting me, for taking care of me, for being the parent in ways that my mother and step-father never could, for being supportive of me, for complimenting me so often, for believing in me so readily, openly, and loudly, for bragging on me to friends and neighbours, for hugging me, for kissing my forehead, for calling me “his champion” and “the light of his life” all the time, for believing in me so blindly, for giving me so much more credit than I deserve, for being hurt when I call myself worthless and undeserving, for treating me like an adult most of the time and for thinking me capable, for admiring me, for spending time with me and wanting to spend time with me, for being proud of me, for believing in me, for trying as hard as he does to give me every opportunity, for offering to make every possible sacrifice so that I can have a good, successful future, for putting me before himself for my entire life, for not smoking for my sake, for not drinking for my sake, for taking care of my brother, even for going out a limb for my friends when I’ve asked him to on my behalf, for literally everything, I owe him my entire life, for everything, absolutely everything ever, he is my life, I would not be here if it were not for him, for absolutely every fucking thing fathomable, everything.
- My great-aunt Janet, for offering help, despite that it wasn’t the help I needed, for attempting briefly to help me find better help, for including me in her prayers, for including me in her thoughts, despite never really knowing me.
- My managers at Panera Bread, for trying to offer me support, for trying to cover for me without stressing me out about it too much, for accepting my situation and not entirely guilting me for it, for thanking me for my service and for being more glad about my attempt at recovery than being mad about me backing out at the last minute, for being really caring managers and for being so understanding.
- My mother, for trying so hard every minute of every day, for attempting to correct herself when she misnames or misgenders me, for trying so hard to understand me, my life, my view, my situation, my everything, for attempting to grow so that she can love me better, for taking me into her home and trying to raise me as a child she had no idea how to raise, for loving me, for admiring me, for spending time with me, for keeping me and allowing me to live, for doing the best she could, even though it wasn’t really enough, for helping me through everything she’s been able to help with, for redeeming herself little by little, for attempting to overcome her sense of denial, for being any kind of mother at all, for wanting me in the first place.
- My neighbour Miss Angie, for welcoming me back, for always calling me “mama”, for being so interested in my hobbies, and praising me for the little I’m capable of doing with them.
- My neighbour Miss Theresa, for telling me that my natural hair color was the most beautiful color she’d ever seen.
- My sister, for complimenting my hair, for attempting to visit me, for relying on my help, for admiring me, for expressing so much gratitude for me, for appreciating me, and for loving me as much as I know she does.
- My step-father, for caring about my mother, for trying to spoil my brother, for supporting the three of us, albeit meagerly, for 13 years, for asking about my well-being, for lending his tiny support since I’ve been home, for trying to communicate with me, and for attempting to show that he loves me, even if he doesn’t really know how.
- Olivia, for having the cutest fricking face, good lord, for developing such a cute art style and spending time doodling us plebs while they’re also busy at school, for drawing hands one of the cutest ways I’ve seen, for drawing me handsome baby Alit!!!!!!!, for putting up with my dumb feelings over skype so so so so many times, for being supportive despite all my stupidity, for being themselves.
- Orlando, for being everything that he is, for calling me back in the crisis center, for calling me to check on me when I was at home, for skyping with me, for telling me the truth, for loving me, for appreciating me, for caring what the fuck happens to me, for giving me compliments and saying such good things to me and about me always, for sending me that beautiful necklace, for saying that he wanted me in his life always, for always supporting me, and telling me good night every night, and thanking me for my presence and life and my existence, for being such a good friend, for being a good man, a good boyfriend, a fun person, for keeping me company for so long, for making me laugh, for making me forget about the bad every so often, for continuing to support me and be unforgiving, for surviving himself, for continuing to fight, for overcoming all that he has over come, for getting back into the game, for setting a good example, for everything.
- Reba, for being so overwhelmingly understanding after everything, for being unanimously supportive of everything I have ever done ever, for being so positive, so comforting, and so irritably faithful in my ability to recover, for working so hard in school, for achieving so much, for sticking to that god-awful job and for caring about being good at it, for being so good at heart, for communicating with me, for showing me photos of their gorgeous self, for trusting me, for treasuring me and respecting me through everything, for trying, for succeeding, for making that fucking ridiculous icon (SDFSDHGSDF), for keeping me company, for sharing themselves with me for so long, for keeping me safe and sane and for being there for me always.
- Rebecca, for having the biggest heart I’ve ever seen, for having such amazing interests, for dealing with everything she’s dealt with for so long, for having the feelings that she does, for being as loud as she is, for sharing so much of herself with me, for trusting me, for confiding in me, for keeping me close to her heart, for ranting to me about nothing at all, for laughing with me, for thinking about me and my OCs always, for doing me that honor— of keeping me and my creations in her thoughts always—, for sharing stupid things with me, for keeping me company in the worst and best of times, for listening to me, for being so amazingly understanding, for ranting to me, complaining to me, bitching to me, wailing at me, and for being so genuinely pleasurable to be with, for being such amazing company in general, for existing and for being an amazing friend and giving me so much more than I could ever hope for, for absolutely everything ever.
- Remote, for welcoming me back, for offering her support, for being so inspiring, for trusting any of us with any amount of her personal life, for sharing with us, for existing.
- Savanna, for politely inviting me over to her home despite the fact that we don’t have an entirely positive relationship.
- Shea, for writing so much quality fanfic, for being in my life, for being so funny, smart, talented, incredible, inspiring, amazing, beautiful, and everything ever, for working so hard and fighting the good fight every day, for trusting me, for talking to me, for allowing me in their life, for choosing to be in my life, for doing so much for me, for sending me so many thoughtful letters and good things, for putting in so much effort all the time even when they don’t want to, for inspiring me and giving me a reason to live every day, for supporting me, for loving me, for writing things for me and admiring my shitty art and appreciating me for whatever reason, for getting me into GX, for accepting me, for being such a good friend and for teaching me so much, for helping me, for brightening my life every single moment with everything they do, for being everything that they are, for letting me love them as much as I do, for existing, for continuing to exist, despite everything.
- Shigeru, for being one of the sweetest people I’ve had the extreme pleasure of meeting in my entire life, for being so strong, so courageous, so outspoken, and so friendly, kind, nurturing, and loving, for being open, for being accepting, obscenely positive, and having their arms more wide-open than anyone I’ve ever met, for fighting so hard against their own mind, for fighting so hard against life, for taking every day one at a time, for continuing to be here even when they haven’t wanted to be, for sharing themselves with Shea and I, for loving me, for loving us, for supporting me (and us), for everything they’ve said and done, for all they’ve shared and for the good the cultivate in the world and others, and for their beauty and strength and inspiration, all of them.
- Shinya, for being there for me longer than anyone else in my entire life, for loving me and hating me for all of the good and bad reasons, for seeing all sides of me, for knowing every single violently different person I’ve been and still choosing to keep me in her life anyway, for spending time with me, for trying so hard to positively influence me, for keeping me safe, for trying to protect me when I needed it when no one else would get in my way, for allowing me into her home, for doing as much as she has to help me, for putting herself so much out of the way for me, for trying her best to align herself to me, for spending time with me, listening to me, dealing with me, putting up with me, for everything she’s done.
- Talena, for offering her ear time and again, for being so supportive, so strong, and for always being there.
- The guy who works at Friendly Check Cashing who did my taxes, for making everything simple, fast, and painless when I was ready to have such a breakdown.
- The users of craigslist in Buffalo, NY, for purchasing my lamp, bookshelf, and futon within 24-hours notice when I needed it most, for responding, for giving me any money at all, for really helping me when I needed it most.
- things
- tumblr user aleusha— for constantly complimenting me
- tumblr user straightzivens— for sending me such a long, encouraging ask message regarding my life, thank you for your support
- tumblr user zearu— for complimenting me so much on my art and for being such a sweetheart to me
- Willis, for being such an adorable person, for being an inspiring cosplayer, an inspiring person, and a good friend, for being kind to me and accepting my gifts and for being so welcome to other people in the fandom, for being funny and endearing, for being blunt in their opinions, for being outspoken and interesting and fun, for being themselves.
oct 22 2013 ∞
oct 22 2013 +