things that happened this year (good & bad)

• grandpa got hospitalized and we found out his lung cancer had come back. he lasted 7 days and, very sadly, passed away on january 9th. but at least he rested, it was a very hard week for everyone, to him in special. so i feel the pain, but also relieved because it was better to him. there was nothing to be done to save him, only make him stay a little longer with us in pain. that wouldn't be fair to him. rest well, grandpa. i love you.
• spent days with mom at esplanada after grandpa passed away
• spent days with grandma & bro at imbituba so she wouldn't be alone after grandpa's passing
• felt like i was gonna explode because i really wanna go home
• GOT TICKETS TO LOVE ON TOUR TO SEE HARRY!!! omg omg omg. honestly still freaking out and it feels like it's all a dream. i can't quite believe it yet lol
• had an amazing carnaval with mom, dad, bro & grandma. we invited her to come with the 4 of us and she had the time of her life!! it hurts to think that, in some ways, grandpa was quite selfish and never thought of travelling with her, because it's what she loves the most. we went to floripa, to the same little cabin we stayed last carnaval. it was fucking perfect
• university is freaking my out. i'm on the 7th semester and it's the worst of all university, so i'm shitting myself. studying non-stop and worried as fuck about TCC
• very very very tired
• kinda depressed
• miss my family too much when i'm in tubarão
• this weird ass drunkie was in the hall of my apartment and i legit thought he was someone who lived on the streets and managed to get inside the building, cause he was drunk as shit, talking to himself and peed on the floor of the hall (??). i got real stressed about it, scared shitless. and then found out he was actually my neighbor and lived in the building. i even called the cops to get him out before i knew he lived there. i'm calmer now, but hope this never happens again and i never see him again, or else i'll move out.
• mom f*cking left the family groupchat (the one with the four of us) and i honestly feel like she needs to show the 3 of us some love. her acts and sayings don't really make us feel loved and i'm fucking exhausted. worried about dad as well
• went to a criciuma game on HH for the first time in a long time and realized how much i fucking missed it!! mano took me and we were on the Tigres supporters. Ce came with us as well and we slept over at her house with Sabi too after, it was really cool
• i was at the lowest point of my university so far in this 7th semester. it exhausted me in levels that it hadn't before. honestly scared the fuck out of me, because i legit thought i wasn't enough to become a doctor. that i don't have what it takes. that i'm not as smart as i should be. honestly, now that it's over, i feel like i took 3 fridges off my back and can finaly breathe again. it was 100% horrifying and i definitely don't even like thinking about it. i missed my family every single day. i lost pleasure doing things that i love and used to give me a serotonin boost. i became a plant? i just woke up everyday at 6:30h and studied from 8h to 2h and just stopped to pee or eat something quickly. even when i stopped studying to have lunch for 20 minutes, i couldn't even watch a cartoon or something while eating because that would make me feel guilty cause i should be studying. i don't even know how to put into words what this semester was to me, cause nothing i say sounds as deep and intense as it really was.
• i honestly hope everyone from my mom's relatives gets the fuck out of our lives. i would pay them money to disappear. i hate and despise each and everyone. fuck you all.
• 10.08.2022 my brother got into medicine university. he is now my future professional colleague
• i took mom to a psychiatrist and she got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. it's hard for her to accept it, because it's a disorder that people usualy misunderstand. but i've been sure of it for a long time so it's good to have this confirmation. also because now she's taking medication and that's already a great step. i feel like, this time, she really has a chance of getting better.
• i really wanna take antidepressants