december

• this year's wrapped up with so much tenderness. i want to mention sasa, lin, jas, ata, kak thea, kak ava, kak car, izha, lois, vivi, kak mon, kak sashi, anni, dira, ava, rey, kak octa, naya, kak dwi, and a list of other names i couldn't possibly mention one by one for willing to spend this year with me.
  • this year, i got incredible chance to build my writing experience
  • this year, i was given an opportunity at handling human resources division which i will try to be better at in the following year
  • i got new guitar and have been playing some songs with it
  • i found films & literature that i hold close to heart
• new year's eve was spent having dinner with my aunt's neighbor. they cooked squid, tempe, fried fish, and made exceptional sambal. i ate so well after not eating homemade meals for weeks (i miss my mom, but we also video called beforehand).
• been slowly but surely following fromis_9 contents since last month thanks to egi & fay. my heart always leaps in joy and excitement when i see these girls, especially when saerom and gyuri appear. i still have a lot to catch up on, so i am open to more loving possibilities!
• going out to taman mini indonesia indah with kak ava & eating sushi and other japanese dishes afterwards. it's the first time we met after knowing each other circa 2018.
  • was mildly chased by a peacock because we tried to pass them by toward the exit door. one of them was right in front of the door LOL.
  • renting tandem bike and going around tmii. was planning to go inside aquarium or keong mas, but we decided to have lunch instead.
  • we were eating until we could stomach anything no longer.
• hanging out with ata at ragunan; we rented a tandem bike and got flushed and exhausted from cycling around the area. flocking pelicans. giraffes! walking around before we decided to go to have lunch (she kept saying that my experience could've been fuller, but i was genuinely happy).
  • eating burgers and ice creams.
  • hopping on krl with her! chest is warm thinking about my sentimentality toward this certain public transportation & having her around as we were riding it together.
  • making random vlogs.
  • visiting gramedia and it was apparent that we both were on our element.
• meeting kak sashi for the first time & i had the loveliest moment with her, albeit short. i ate ramen, takoyaki, and cinnamon roll. we talked about so many things. i learned japanese phrases from her & safe to say that i am confident in picking japanese menu now.
• been commuting by krl to meet my jabodetabek friends & it makes me so happy to realize that my childlike enthusiasm to travel by train still remains up until now. it's also sort of a wonder to see skyscrapers through train windows because my city doesn't have any.
• finally, my 6 month internship has officially ended. bittersweet feelings are bubbling up in my chest. happy to begin another journey, yet sad to end one — especially one that i've cherished & been grateful of. here's to practicing journalism and meeting more insightful individuals to learn from.
• preparing toefl test by studying with my friend starting this december. it's fun to refresh our memories and learn more.
• hanging out with my cousin & her friend to sea world (finally, crossing another thing off my bucket list) and to ice rink. i kept thinking of sunghoon while sliding on ice, it was so hard that i bumped my back and head more than once. eating noodles for dinner & getting back home safely.
• meeting ata after a year and more not seeing each other.
  • watching spider-man: no way home together and lost our minds as we did.
  • having noodles as lunch with her & eating ice cream afterwards. the ice cream was delicious.
  • strolling through market and recommending each other snacks we've had.
  • it amazes me that spending more time with her allows me to know her more than i have already. it's always a delight to know every corner of her minds and everything she's willing to share.
• it's not something happy, but it's important for me. as we visited our grandma's house to monitor her health & take care of her, many of our family members visited & stayed here too. i was used with the quiet & individualistic environment around the house back in the city, but seeing the hustle bustle in this small village everyday around the house (because grandma's house is always crowded with family and guests), i realized that this could be home too. my grandma is very much loved by her relatives and acquaintances. neighbors are sending food and prayers upon us. my aunts offered to lend me their places for me to do my online finals at. i am so thankful & grateful that my grandma has been surrounded with so much care & love her whole life.
• accompanying my little cousin to swim nearby as we visited our grandma's house. he was so excited and giggly, especially when he saw trains passing by.
• mom & aunt slicing mangos & papayas for us to eat. in return, i cooked noodles for mom.

november

• telling sasa & kak ava & kak carissa that i am so thankful to have them who have never made me second-guess myself as a person and as a friend. so thankful to know that there are people in this world who want & need you as you are without you having to prove anything.
• start compiling kind words my friends have ever said to me in a folder of my note app. were i not so forgetful by nature, i wouldn't need their constant validation and encouragement.
• realizing that most of the time, i convey my love through, this reminds me of yous i've been directing toward my friends. i guess there's tenderness lies in remembering someone & connecting the thread, that has previously been tied to a certain memory or media, to them.
• cycling all by myself when we visited our grandma's place. the scenery was incredible. i bought ice creams on my way back home for my cousin and aunts.
• having the chance to rewatch pacific rim (2013). i am actually so happy ;_;
• conversations i had with kak mon & vivi.
• sunghoon & serim's vlives.
• red (taylor's version) release. listening to it made me think of earlier days when i started getting to know & loving taylor. not only the memories i had listening to her songs, but also my regular days being a student back in elementary and junior high student: having a crush on somebody, was given red album as a present for my 12th birthday from friends, my dad driving me around so i could buy cornettos, internet friends i made during my stay in ts fandom back then. red will always mean something to me.
• my ongoing conversation with lois since last month has become a highlight of my each passing day. even when things were rough, exchanging thoughts and light talks with her was very helpful & loving.
• going to the zoo with kak octa & kak mon.
  • hopping onto the train so we got to circle around the zoo once more after 10.000 steps we took.
  • making my first, proper vlog! i published it only on my private instagram account, but it felt rewarding that i now have enough resource (better phone LOL) to record good days. i get to make a reminder for myself in the future to be grateful of many great memories i've ever made.
  • eating lunch with them before kak octa was fetched. receiving a box of chocolate from kak mon
• getting my second dose of vaccine.
• gradually feeling better. i hope november offers kindness. despite feeling ecstatic, joyful, and loved on my birthday, i wasn't able to return the sentiment i felt to the friends i hold dearly. everything i said felt underwhelming when in fact, i wanted to be able to appreciate them properly.
• good news from sasa about her scholarship going abroad. i am so proud of her finally get to achieve one of her goals.
• finishing assignments within a week, which is more than i had ever done back in the fourth semester.

october

• i generally don't have much memory about what had happened in this month except that this month was not the best period of time i have ever gone through throughout the entire year. i only remember purchasing a new phone, which means better resource, and me celebrating my birthday. the endless packages that came that day from beloved friends & the arts they presented willingly for me so the memory of me could be preserved through writings and drawings & lots of playlists curated for me i could never be thankful enough of. i am still beyond grateful.

september

• curating playlists for dira & ava
• exchanging stories about sunghoon with this friend of mine & feel like crying everytime.
• talking with domi after a long time not catching up with each other. i really miss her and listening to her little adventure.
• not necessarily something happy, but i realized the lack of things i felt happy about for these past three months. i am still working to find the stability of my emotions, places where i belong, and the pace i am comfortable of taking.
• jeonghan's solo song, dream. i can't even begin to describe how proud i am with his progress these past few years. jeonghan has always taken slow steps approaching new milestone for his career, but he was willing to experiment up to the point writing a song with japanese lyrics. i feel like i will grow and bloom with him along the way.
• the amount of writings (outside articles i wrote for my internship) i made within a week is something i'm mildly proud of
• watching brooklyn nine-nine
• purchasing my first guitar with my own money. i want to learn.
• my plan to send kak ciki cookies since june/july could finally be actualized. i am so happy!

august

• reinstalling instagram as an attempt to reconnect myself with my irl friends that have grown apart these past couple of years, making sure the gap doesn't get wider. also attempting at staying away from twitter for a while unless sharing stuff that makes me excited for self-fulfillment :)
• i've known this group since predebut & followed them through my friend's stories from early 2020. i always make sure to listen to their albums too whenever they come back, even have done as far as downloading their songs (LOL). but, only recently did i decide to follow their contents thoroughly. it's been quite pleasant, funny, and heartwarming.
• sweet bean's quote: "we were born to this world to see & to listen to it. with that, we don't always have to be someone (important). for us, all of us, have our own worth" (rough translation) which reminds me of mary oliver's underlying tone for most of her poems that highlight nature, divinity, and finding oneself in the quietness of this world.
• reminded of quran's ash-sharh: 5-6 — "surely, with hardship comes ease. surely, with (that) hardship comes (more) ease"
• visiting grandma. very much happy & relieved that her condition became much better after we came there. not proud with road trip in the midst of PPKM, but we had no choice.
• exciting hints for the upcoming RED album rerecording.
• weeekly comeback. they never released bad music.

july

• watching summer olympics with my family. badminton has become our daily source of entertainment that greets us every morning.
• finishing our self-quarantine activity; shopping groceries with mom (carefully so); eating my brother's dish.
• writing for sunghoon again after a month of taking a break :) and writing something about him.
• watching a bunch of aespa contents.
• kak ava's birthday. kak carissa & i planned to ship a mini cake & it was received well. everything was hilarious.
• kak thea's birthday.
• almond buddy read with ata. i was able to devour 75% of it within three days. i think my enthusiasm to read is slowly back.
• staying on gmeet with jas & lin until past midnight. we finished a movie & spent the rest of our time telling each other stories & watching aespa's next level and some other nct videos.
• watching ali with dira, crying and laughing together at every transition. personal opinion: this movie is good, it made me feel things and it highlights friendship & compassion in the form that we love the most.

june

• midnight whatsapp call with kak carissa & kak ava. it was so chaotic.
• discord meeting with dira & ava in the midst of our finals after a month of not calling each other. we mostly spent our time going wild whenever ava's connection lost. we cried mentally & gave support to each other. downloading co-star after dira recommended it.
• starting my internship journey!
• a day hanging out in jas's house with lin.
  • korean dishes for lunch and boba milktea afterwards (not me, i got the brown sugar one).
  • rewatching new moon which has become a thing for us (people who shamelessly use twilight saga as their coping mechanism).
  • watching yuzuru hanyu, tessa virtue, and scott moir's programs.
• ata & rey!!! they are not only my friends now, but also college students.
• basically metastreaming with ata for a few consecutive days, our hearts were about to burst every time we talk to each other. finding out minor coincidences yet again as we watched some stuff that made her leap out of joy but made me want to bury myself.
• had a lunch with my mom & my brother's gf, we had a good time taking pictures around the venue & talking about our family.
• watching sunghoon's solo vlive while reviewing materials ;_; it was such a short, lovely time.
• giving my brother's girlfriend a black forest cake my mom bought. it was her birthday today!
• catching up with kak thea & wishing her goodluck for her thesis defense. she has worked so hard all this time, i hope she knows i am so proud of her.
• re-watching enhypen&hi season 1 with ata. our chatroom was a timebomb.
• ata's story about knowing jay & the rest of enha & kak ava's thoughts on jungwon & enha. my heart was swelling so big seeing ata falling head over heels for the said guy. i am in tears!
• baking nastar & brownies with my mom for my friends' birthdays.
• meeting old friends from junior high. it's been a year since we last met each other. we shared so many stories & the conversations i had with them were truly a healing. i tried to be more open & genuine at giving spontaneous compliments & appreciations. i learned it from the best source :)

may

• jacob's mixtape on his birthday. he's so special to me.
• being of a help on my dad's friend's daughter marriage ceremony. it was so fun; reuniting with my old friend, preparing our necessities, good food, and dancing under the night sky. i had to cancel my plan watching laut bercerita with rey, but we promised to watch something together soon.
• jacqui's & kak thea's pieces of mind & especially the ones about sunghoon. their thoughts made me ponder a lot.
• my consistency in consuming medias. it's so exciting that i finally found my enthusiasm again, especially toward cinema. i hope to finish my to-be-watched goals this year.
• my consistency in writing. it doesn't always have to be something grand nor significant. i've learned to empty my thoughts by pouring them down in the form of letters i send through weverse. a few people even cheered & left encouraging comments on those posts i wrote :")
• interviewing a pedicab reader who's also an owner of a moving library with my rubric writer. he's an old man who dedicates his life to increase the literacy rate of people in this town. his story is truly inspiring and moving; even around the age of 70s, he's still very much active and encouraged to do this campaign. people are free to borrow books that he carries with his tricycle. many publishing companies & people also have donated books to him & now his collection of books is piling up. i wish for his health & happiness, and wish that this legacy of his could be passed down.
• coming to jas's house with lin. doing all sorts of activities from watching a movie, yearning for fictional characters, browsing some youtube videos, eating outside, exchanging funny stories, and taking a nap.
• “The world we live in is becoming further quantified as it transforms digitally. It made me upset to see people focusing on the numbers rather than life and love itself, which make us quintessentially human, so I thought true love is something that I, as a human being, should hold on to.” — Lee Heeseung. god, i am so fond of him.
• ava's birthday. celebrating it with dira <3
• spending eid with my family. there's nothing particularly interesting about this, since we couldn't gather around like we usually do during eid. but i am thankful i got to do my prayer & we got to eat good food as well.
• having an iftar with my friends from high school. we were so full of food, loving, and basked in intensified longing after months of not meeting each other.
• it's still early may as i type this. but i know sunghoon is going to dominate this whole month, if not, year :) getting to know him is a wholesome journey. stemmed from ava's unprovoked tweet, up to feeling immensely empathetic toward his struggles & stories, and eventually finding myself couldn't start a day without hearing his voice.
• ava introducing me to enhypen. these seven kiddos have become my constant companions. very thankful for her & our wacky conversations.
• conversing with ata & rey as a celebration for their hardwork these past few months preparing for entrance exams.

april

• calling ava, dira, and ghea until almost midnight. we talked about so many random things.
• watching shadow & bone at kak mon's place. the rush of wanting to break the fast as soon as possible, but failed amusingly. we bought dimsum, and i prepared to cook noodles, but we ran out of LPG so we had to buy it, but even then, we couldn't put it back on. so we ended up cooking the noodles on her rice cooker.
• yuuta okkotsu ;______;
• spending time playing game & rewatching thor: ragnarok (2017) at kak mon's place. it's beyond wholesome.
• my college friends and i were visiting a secluded school to donate some stuff before going somewhere else to eat. this whole sentence is a simplified version and absolutely an understatement, because the truth is, i learned so much from our visit & experience, as well as a step forward to get closer to these friends of mine.
• going back to the daily routine of having conversations with kak thea whose healing presence is always cherished. honestly, i just cannot wait to listen to her loving thoughts & little discoveries she's willing to share. these constant & pleasing talks i've been having with her motivated me to go through this early year.
• the release of an article my writers & i, as an editor, have been working on. this one is special because i feel emotional attachment toward the topic we brought up: the problem that lies within national historiography. our interviewee provided newfound knowledge about political propaganda in the shape of academics curriculum, debunked the discourse that inclines to favor colonialism, and told us the existence of leftist outlooks regarding the decolonization of indonesia by farmers and mariners.
• kak mon's birthday. i find it fascinating that on her birthmonth, taylor is going to release the re-recording of fearless & netflix is with shadow and bone & mnet is with kingdom. also a whole lot of other monumental things i haven't mentioned. i hope the universe gives her enough rest & peaceful days within this month (and hopefully, the following days too).
• ata's birthday. making a carrd specifically for this eventful day. our pre-birthday conversation is as fulfilling as ever, though i couldn't believe she didn't remember her own birthday; she's been severely occupied with her academics schedule. she's going to face her college entrance exams soon & i will see her ace every single one of them.
• writing juyeon letters after months of not opening fancafe. i miss him immensely.
• my beloved friends' birthdays + shadow and bone release month + ramadhan. i have been looking forward to this month.

march

• lengthy & hilarious conversations with kak car & kak ava. exchanged good mornings & the reminder to eat our meals.
• buddy reading the bear and the nightingale & exchanging thoughts with domi. it's a delight to read her takes, as always. as i flip through the pages, i realize how much detail i missed when i first read it.
• another digital journaling attempt & pouring down my sk8 thoughts there.
• a high school friend visiting me. we watched haikyuu together, cooked, and exchanged stories. we had a lot of things to catch up on, but it was a relief to see how my best friend remain unchanged & familiar even after lots of dynamic challenges we've faced.
• meeting kak mon & kak dean. apple juice; french fries with cheese; analog camera (peter) that belongs to kak dean; exchanging stories; kevin & bright breakdown; sharing made-up stories; night drive; stickers and cute stuff from kak dean. it was definitely a time worth spending with the most wholesome people.
• sending jacqui messages after not contacting with her for so long. rereading her tender messages enveloped me in a gigantic loving bubble; seeing her photographs and affectionate thoughts is always so healing.
• revisiting & continue reading the girl from the other side: siúil, a rún (とつくにの少女 / totsukuni no shōjo) and the feeling of eerie remembrances washed over me. i am fond of this horror/mystery series so much.
• the opportunity to become a master of ceremony with a new friend i made from different university, a little step forward to improve my skill in public speaking. the appreciation & casual jokes we shared to each other even before the official event started.
• mentoring project held by my organization. discussions are expected to widen our experiences pursuing our current major.
• incessant conversation with kak car & kak ava, laughing & smiling until my jaw ached. exchanging videos & stories.
• slowly & surely learning to play a3! from kak thea, lin, and jas. loving the daily login, practices, and shows. the characters i've met have easily become a consistent part of my days.

february

• watching midnight diner (2014) which instantly became one of my favorite movies. it was really, really good as it was calming :") knowing ata also loved the show & was willing to continue the movie with me just added more joy. she also told me she wanted to watch the promised neverland which made my heart leap.
  • its paralellism with one of the dearest poems ever, perhaps the world ends here by joy harjo: "the world begins at a kitchen table. no matter what, we must eat to live. [...] this table has been a house in the rain, an umbrella in the sun. [...] at this table we sing with joy, with sorrow. we pray of suffering and remorse. we give thanks."
  • last year, i learned so many things that brought me joy from ata: love in the form of food & sharing food, mary oliver, rumi, little forest (2018), columbus (2017), before sunrise (1995), and a whole lot more. i am so thankful i get to spend another year & enjoy a plethora shades of happiness with her.
• dad taught me how to sew with our olden sewing machine. it will definitely take time before i can get used to it, but the whole process had been very calming.
• dira's birthday. sending her ava's art (with all beautiful details she incorporated) and my writing. her being happy, receiving love, and glowing.
• exchanged thoughts & quality time with kak thea; our endless haikyuu!! discussions that slowly & surely also morphed into a lot of different tender things.
• cycled with my father and my neighbors. we reached up to 20 kilometers + and my legs felt numb now as i typed this. i was extremely exhausted, but we had a good time! the weather was nice too, so i was able to enjoy the view. my parents took me out for lunch afterwards; the place we ate at was so nice and huge, it was a well-spent weekend.
• my parents' cooking! they made several dishes in the span of a day: timus, ketan, sop, jangan sawi, telur gulung. it was almost very eventful were i not have to leave for hours. but i'm so glad those meals welcomed me as i went back home.
• joined journalism event which took a place in the village, learning about a small industrial business run by a university professor. we all tried to make news out of the assigned topics. going back from there, i manage to wrote the intended hard news in one sitting before submitting it.
• the wedding of my french tutor. she's like our biggest sister who always treats us like her equals. seeing her smile & eyes brimming with tears made my heart yearn for her continuous happiness. we used to question everything and discuss tons of significant matters, including marriage. now, seeing her finding her one true love made my heart swell.
• my old friend came to our house. we talked a bit before she had to go again. it had been a while since the last time we met, so it was a pleasant moment. upon seeing her, i was reminded of our ongoing friendship that has remained for over than 10 years & how comforting it is to have a constant presence in my life despite the fact that we couldn't always stay in contact with each other all the time. we just know that whenever we need each other, we would find each other.
• starting the month with mom's birthday. she made us kangkung & bakwan for breakfast. she used her birthday discount well. received a package of happiness from kak ciki. dira, kak sashi, and i had a conversation until midnight over a belated birthday gift for kak sashi, and it was so wholesome.

january

• kak sashi unexpectedly sent me food (ayam bakar and cappuccino) for dinner while we had a conversation through dm. it was the highlight of my day, peak of tenderness. ;_;
• a very packed up weekend! evaluation meeting with journalism club from 10 am up to 5 pm, had an interview for a job i applied for (teaching english), and attended another organization meeting before my term finally ends :") seventeen's incomplete concert! finished reading karasuno & nekoma match! i cried a lot today.
• cycled with my dad, we reached 8 kilometers maximum, and had breakfasts in between. i spent the night before marathoning animes, yelling together with unge and losing our minds over the characters. conversing with ata, rey, and kak sashi about our writings and creations.
• watched three episodes of jujutsu kaisen with lin and jas. watched them and tried myself playing genshin impact after days of listening to its soundtracks only. went out to have korean dishes and went home with our stomachs full. talked about fictional characters — miya osamu and other inarizaki players, specifically — and took quizzes that got us screeching. installed stardew valley. had a meeting with two other human resources/editorial staff from my journalism club, it was pretty awkward but great.
• had an impromptu zoom meeting on my friends' birthdays. watching a couple of them playing genshin impact. playing virtual chess with one of them. exchanging short stories. i miss them dearly.
• a day out with kak mon.
  • went to a bookstore and a stationary shop, looking for a journal. but we ended up buying pens and a glue stick for her beading project <3
  • had a coffee with her while the weather was cloudy.
  • we ate four slices of pizza and a bowl of rice for lunch, it was great and fulfilling. we originally planned to order hawaiian or any pineapple-on-pizza menu because i have never tried it before (she didn't like it, but she was willing to order one for me ;_;), but they didn't have the size we wanted, so we had the usual chicken with tomato sauce topping.
  • we went to kak mon's place and called kak sashi immediately after planning to watch either soul (2020) or hamilton (2020) on disney plus (we didn't). we ended up teasing and talking to each other through phone. we played yerin baek, taylor swift, the boyz, and seventeen while having our breakdown moment. associating taylor swift's songs with kevin and jeonghan ;_;
• impromptu watch with friends from my faculty i have never gone out with before. demon slayer was our pick before going out to have dinner, we had a good time.
• received a sudden, warm e-mail from a close high school friend whom i haven't been contacting for awhile. she recounted our moments during high school such as how we exchanged medias before discussing about them passionately or how we were upset at each other over a now forgotten cause. we thanked, apologized, and told each other that we were proud of each other. i am eternally thankful for her presence in my life.
• rey and our discussion over laut bercerita. mary oliver, joy harjo, ada limon, and aan mansyur's poems. she's radiating comfort, the kind of friend i would stay up all night for to exchange stories.
• went to a curug (small waterfall) with my mom.
  • the forest welcomed us. despite the midday, the clouds surrounding us were heavy and grey. i felt serenity — or another feeling i couldn't quite describe or put my finger on up until now — every time i enter woods.
  • the waterfall was beautiful and clear, it sounded like an endless incoming train which never arrived, but i felt like i was already home. the splatters against my skin felt like the lightest drizzle. we took pictures. it was worth the exhaustion.
  • we rode home with heavy rain accompanied us. somewhere in the middle of our way back home, we realized that my mom lost her glasses.
  • we went back to the site. clothes were soaked wet, feet were hurting for the amount of steps we took (we walked barefoot at our second trek!), but we laughed it off. my mom has a spare pair of glasses, so i was thankful.
• a roadtrip to my grandmother's town right at january 1st with my mom. the whole ride, i was wide awake while listening to music including some genshin impact osts. rain poured down immediately as we reached our destination after four hours driving.
  • as the night came, we played cards with our relatives slash neighbors, reminiscing the old time's activity around the village, especially about my great-grandmother's skill in playing cards.
• drove back home from a friend's house in the early morning after our little celebration (involving homemade corndogs and meatball satays) of new year's day with only two hours of sleeping. it was cold and the fog was apparent, the greenery overlooking from the top of hill was magnificent. a night full of reminiscing and catching up with dear friends.