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- You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish. They just want to make it late for something.
- My friend said, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess."
- I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.
- I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- I have a vest. If my arms got cut off, it would be a jacket.
- I was at a casino, standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- I find that ducks' opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
- I saw this wino who was eating grapes. It's like, "Dude, you have to wait."
- If I had nine fingers missing, I wouldn't type any slower.
- I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
- I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest, and say, "You're home!"
- Dr. Scholl makes foot products, and he's a doctor, so he went to school a long time. But it doesn't take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That guy wasted lots of time at school, cuz I would've bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl.
- When someone on the street tries to hand me a flier, it's like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."
- I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
- I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just gonna ask them where they're going and catch up with them later.
- When I was on acid, I would see things. Like beams of light. And I would hear sounds... that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
- I got a belt on that's holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don't know what's really happening down there. Who is the real hero?
- If you're a fish and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have really good posture. You can't be a slouchy fish or you will be a fish clump.
- I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
- Dogs are forever in the pushup position.
- I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault.
- This shirt is dry-clean only, which means it's dirty.
- A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
- I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It's beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord.
- I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now, saying "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"
- Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day.
- My roommate said to me, "I'm gonna go shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
- It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?
- I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but then I said, "Fuck that, I'll just get a tan."
- A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
- I hate sandwiches at New York delis, there's too much fucking meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "What would you like sir?" "A pastrami sandwich." "Anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people."
- I like refried beans. That's why I want to try fried beans, cuz maybe they're just as good, and we're wasting time.
- Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. And it says right on the bottle "Do not have more than two." Well then do not put a candy coating around it.
- I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."
- Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
- I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep, I will tip you over."
- I remixed the remix... it was back to normal.
- As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I end up at the top of a slide, I have to act like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, god damnit?! I guess I have to slide down."
- I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver.
- I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.
- I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
- I saw a commercial for an above ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool.
- I got a fire alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. "Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle."
- I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there's a guy in there already and say "Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?" And he says "no." Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions... then I say "Hey man, just simmer for ahw-I mean, sit there."
- I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose!
- I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you people feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
- I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same. "What does a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus!"
- I got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth... it looks like the fan is saying "No." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place?"
- I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would buy a baby naming book... or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
- I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damn it anyway!
- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary... I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit."
- I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know? Refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add "er."
- People think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.
- I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It would have to be real fucking big.
- I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door. It says Do Not Disturb. It's time to go with DON'T disturb. iI's been Do Not for too long.We need to embrace the contraction.
- I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, "Do you want me to put them in a bag?" I said, "Oh no, man, I juggle.... but I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever in here buying nine apples, bag 'em up."
- I don't own a cellphone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know all the time.
- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move.
- I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
- I use the word "totally" way too much. I need to change it to something that's different, but means the same thing. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All encompassingly."
- I like vending machines... because snacks are better when they fall. If I go buy a candy bar in a store, often times I will drop it, so it reaches it's maximum flavor potential.
- I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name is Lyn too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then, I fuck up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "nn" as long.
- That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and then they would travel down to your stomach, then when they get there, the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
- I wish I could play Little League now... I'd kick some fuckin' ass.
- I don't own a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
- Two-in-one is a bullshit term because one is not big enough to hold two. That's why two was created.
- Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, "I'm gonna go shave... too."
- My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half way. So it's like she's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
- I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
- I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say "What?" So I'll say it again, but once again, he doesn't hear me, so he says "What?!" But really, it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling "That tree is far away!"
- When I'm off stage, I don't talk very much, I'm pretty quiet, right? And I hang around people who talk non-stop. All they do is talk, talk, talk. I can't get a word in edgewise. And when I do, I usually say something like, "Hey, man, you want some taffy?"
- Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to somebody you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucka!"
- I think Visine was only invented for pot heads. Who else would buy Visine? "Say man, I don't want people to know I have been swimming..."
may 17 2020 ∞
nov 30 2023 +
nov 30 2023 +