“you want a physicist to speak at your funeral. you want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. you want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. [...]

and you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. [...] according to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. amen.”

⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

seldom i find a character that makes me spit my drink when i look at them. even rarer to find one that makes me think “people like him?” where “him” in question isn't what most people regard as both pleasant n pretty. it was an odd feeling to feel—to be seen? (n liked?) albeit through a game character.

seldom i like, never mind share, the bare minimum of resemblance to a character that is well-liked, so when they (finally!) exist, it's when i let go of the breath i always keep holding. “so it's acceptable to be myself,” i think.

ironically, i knew about him a couple of days after i gave up thinking about improving/changing myself. i told my gf i was no longer going to waste my time trying to “fix” my worst traits. i was tired of fighting against my heart. instead, i decided to focus on amplifying my best traits to the point they would become so bright my void would be worthless to look at.

and then, there he was: a frail, skinny, long-haired, androgynous-looking, mint, blue, n dark-teal-themed, literally heartless, academic, performer, heretic, morally-questionable n self-destructive character. one who's bitterly optimistic n asks questions people would rather keep shut in the back of their heads. reckless in theory, not combat. a teacher n a scholar whose main study subject is the soul. one who talks w gods, rejects them, n craves to know the “truth of this world” (too bad these kinds of thoughts don't do me well any more). oh, how i tried not to sound like a 13y/o kinnie n failed miserably.

it was the complete opposite of what i had felt w childe. not a mirror to show me what i lacked, but to show all the blessings i've been dismissing n ignoring because i'm so used to them, i don't realize that is what people see when they look at me. that's why i'm alive. i can't ever be replaced. also, being compared to him is much better than to ratio lmao (ik they're similar, but i have a favourite).

it's still an odd feeling to feel, but i would rather latch onto this one, than any other. if sunday was a soft healing for my spirituality, then anaxa is the healer of my soul.

• his story.
• lives on the edge of being tolerated by his community. doesn't seem to care about ostracization and death threats.
• no personal regard for self-preservation. has a body hanging on a thread. (he's already dead when we meet him).
• education as a mean of social stratification. ✶
• thinks students are students regardless of their background. ✶
• he's very concerned about his student's critical thinking skills. ✶
  • not only that but, the way he's always talking about his students...
• “oh? you have questions? what questions? ask away.” ✶
• violated the law (and his own body) just so he could see his deceased sister one more time. ✶
• uses his own blood to do things he shouldn't. ✶
• this cutscene, good lord (thank you cerces).
• abhors crowds and social interaction. isolated since childhood. although, not by personal choice. ✶
• goes beyond what's acceptable to prove his words are true. ✶
  • (the way he calls himself “the only truth of this world” reminds me a lot of e6 paranoia lmao).
  • (my personal typing for him is intp lii so6).
• holds himself and everyone else to an impossible high standard. ✶
• sleeps with plushies. ✶
• canon onesie. ✶
• cynical, yet adorable. looks cold and uncaring; is immensely kind and selfless.
• despite being logical and the one to carry the coreflame of reason, he's carries his emotions on his sleeve, and is inspired by his own passion for truth.
• self-harm as an act of fair (and “justified”) sacrifice. ✶

⸻⠀ on his physical appearance

• we both wear rings on the same fingers n have the same functional dominant eye.
• that tiny, tiny waist.
• 80% legs
• his beautiful coat n the fact that many pieces of his clothes are made of leather.
• the eight point star hole on his heart.
• his eyes being originally pink, but now tarnished blue by cerces.