⸻⠀ goals
- ✗⠀read...
- ✓⠀donate my good clothes to a thrift store
- ✓⠀change my name
- ✓⠀transfer notion writing notes to obsidian
- ✓⠀re-do this list
- ✓⠀deep-clean my browser's favourites
- ✓⠀read the tender narrator
- ✓⠀re-do (or delete) this list.
- ✗⠀watch a documentary abt ivan illich, descartes and rousseau
- ✗⠀clean dad's backpack
- ✗⠀finish that short story about the jungian quote
- ✗⠀finish that fanfic 1st draft (3/5)
- ✗⠀revise and rewrite my headspace entries until they're pleasant to be read
- ✗⠀thrift some pants
- ✗⠀write the 15 letters
- ✗⠀clean the "25 by 25" list
- ✗⠀study like my life depends on it (it does)
- ✗⠀work on my masters entry
⠀
⸻⠀ challenges
- ✗⠀read 3 books (0/3)
- ✗⠀cultivate autonomy
- ✗⠀learn to cook
- ⠀⠀⤷ ✓⠀chocolate cake
- ⠀⠀⤷ ✗⠀brownie
⠀
⸻⠀ wishlist
- clothes & fashion
- ✓⠀clear white shirt (1/1)
- ✓⠀dark grey shirt for winter (1/1)
- ✓⠀baby blue shirt (1/1)
- ✓⠀clear navy blue shirt (1/1)
- ✓⠀navy sweatpants (1/1)
- ✓⠀shorts (2/2)
- ✓⠀boxers (3/3)
- ✓⠀white/clear baseball cap (1/1)
- ✓⠀cotton jumper (1/1)
- ✓⠀clear navy blue shirt (1/1)
- ✓⠀high quality anime t-shirts (2/2)
- ✓⠀silver necklace chain
- ✓⠀every-day sneakers
- ✗⠀clear brown or green shirt (0/1)
- ✗⠀light dress shirt (0/2)
- ✗⠀dark dress shirt (0/1)
- ✗⠀white sneakers
- ✗⠀straight-cut jeans (2/3)
- home decor
- tech
- ✓⠀mechanical keyboard ♥
- miscellaneous
- ✓⠀sturdy pen case
- ✓⠀black ballpoint pen(s)
- ✓⠀red ballpoint pen
- ✗⠀external hd for desktop
- ✗⠀ethernet cable
⠀
⸻⠀ prospects
- 01 ⠀ ideal masculinity. ⠀￫⠀ rome wasn't built in a day.
- 02 ⠀ keep things under control. ⠀￫⠀ i didn't.
- 03 ⠀ become my best friend. ⠀￫⠀ i did.
- 04 ⠀ procrastination is your enemy. ⠀￫⠀ there's no "tomorrow".
- 05 ⠀ go! be brilliant! ⠀￫⠀ i sucked ass bro.
- 06 ⠀ atp, surviving is enough. ⠀￫⠀ ugh.
- 07 ⠀ no hurry, no pause. ⠀￫⠀ *old dog sigh*
- 08 ⠀ take it easy. do it mediocre¹. ⠀￫⠀ i respected my body limits.
- 09 ⠀ please get up. ⠀￫⠀ i didn't.
- 10 ⠀ i have zero expectations on myself. ⠀￫⠀ negative trust.
- 11 ⠀ can this year end already? ⠀￫⠀ please.
- 12 ⠀ please. ⠀￫⠀ thank you.
⠀
⸻⠀ monthly log
- 01 ⠀➭⠀ it's new years eve n i just realized that the whole "your brain hides some memories for your safety" is not literal. chappell roan n the angels are the only things keeping me sane. hitting the gym w my friend n inviting myself to his hangouts like i'm worth smth. i can't stop thinking about getting a thorn tattoo. remembering 2021. i hate being alive, man "and yet, life is beautiful." praying to angels while screaming at god. heartaches (the 心 kind, not the 心臓 kind.) if i had a nickel for every time someone told me i should become a deputy, i'd have two nickels-- which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice (maybe i should apply for the fire corps or smth.) got a haircut. auntie's b-day n lots of cake (i ate miso soup for the first time n it tasted so bad.) watching queen of tears w her. i saw an old picture of mum & dad that got me emotional. my old cousin said hi. ocd symptoms. LET'S FUCKING GOOO!!! downloaded an amazing photo app that made me realize how cute my uni campus is. exhaustion. working on my undergraduate papers. parenting my own mother because she is this bad at parenting.
- 02 ⠀➭⠀ got more shit done in a single day than in a month. left a program that i actually loved, but that was draining me. realized i have too much going on in my life n that's why i'm so tired. lord help me, i'm overworked. organizing tasks n schedules. writing on a personal blog. taking loooots n lots of pictures! personalizing my desktop n phone. we had a chilean exchange student vsiting uni n that was an experience. also, c being the best in the whole world, as always. guilt-tripping grandma so she won't disrespect me (as if having a healthy conversation w this family would work.) "you don't want love that ain't yours." the puppy/kitten dilemma. talking w maddie. pre-frontal cortex birthday. i've went through a refractive eye surgery n got legally blind for two weeks. i had a lot of fun watching doramas w my auntie, it never crossed my mind we could have so much fun together. there's no trope i hate the most in the world than light girl dark boy. podcasted everything since i couldn't see, which made me return to the welcome to night vale radio show. prayed like a madman for a futile wish, but damn if it didn't work. had a fun night w my aunties (they got drunk on soju, n we had mcdonalds.)
- 03 ⠀➭⠀ first ash wednesday i won't participate officially. full-time sunglasses wearer (also, my eyes are huge, holy fuck.) shopping spree. i'm feeling so frustrated w myself, i can't do this any more, i feel gross. my eyesight is getting better n better every day, i might not use glasses ever again! death, violence n hopelessness. i threw a tiny party at home n my friends brought a portable karaoke, we played scarttegories n shitty friends... it was ok, ig. life is made of love. organizing courses (n getting overwhelmed coz i wanna do everything). journaling. my new keyboard is so satisfying to type, i'm so glad i bought it. darling, you're not catholic, you just like having a religion w rituals n community. find another way to serve your god. got baby in 20 pulls hehe. autumn cleaning spree skinned my fingers. "i wanna be soft only to you."
- 04 ⠀➭⠀ first day of the online exchange program w students from switzerland. i got into more literature programs because i'm crazy. binged a masterpiece. "these female writers were racist" again, of course. reading yay. the death of substack. our greek literature program got the chance to watch n participate in a lesson n interview w madeline miller :') waa. feeling trapped n limited, so of course i'm about to relapse. this cursed neighbourhood n house making me sick. accepting i love myself unconditionally n i deserve the best in the world without having to ask for it. i wouldn't want to be anyone but me. rage & love. vedic astrology n "great, i was a workaholic rebel in my past life" (and my gf was a ruthless diplomat!). eu e o djabo. bird imagery, dragon imagery, angel imagery, flight imagery. wow he's literally me. there's no tomorrow, there's no 'later,' there's only now. i bought a physical copy of the odyssey n the iliad. panicking coz i'm not as brilliant literaly as used to be (i'm just rusty). look, a mbti channel that ain't the worst in the world (this guy is always hurting my feelings). blessed on pity 14 (i was about to SOB).
- 05 ⠀➭⠀ i want too much. revised the goals & challenges section. o show da lady gaga sendo no dia do aniversário da minha esposa. "i eat envy for breakfast like vitamin gummies; it's what keeps me going." who is pearl n why am i sobbing on my hands at 5pm. "my name, my name. you know the one." the damned worshipper & the dying (silent) god. just realized my dad used to bless me in hebraic. nothing is better than a warm heart. bro scolding me for not going back to the gym (i don't have time!!!!). i stop biting my nails n yet i still fuck up my hands wow great. "we process grief by running from it until it finds us in the middle of the street on a beautiful summer's day." a whole week of migraines. ᴜsᴀmerican traditional cuisine is: pies! bro i just adore a classroom, i love being a teacher, i was born to do this wtf. going insane with national songs. hello baby. yeah divas, i couldn't tank it (i got sick). i took meaning for granted, that's why i've been sucking ass, lately (aka. passion, hope, whimsy, etc).
- 06 ⠀➭⠀ if i see another moronic edit of an owl w a crow & some lameass romantic caption, i'll commit a crime. anaxa brainrot still persists, but i gotta go back to myself or i won't make progress (unfortunately). me 🤝 my friend, n our incompetent coworkers. my spiritual animal is a dove (no shit sherlock). my favourite image ever. be weary of religion during recession times. hate & rage in this eventful pride month. i am exhausted. my first class went so awful that it made me question my whole existence on this planet. i feel so useless; i'm a waste of time, waste of investment, waste of life. god, this sucks so bad. "but i am working hard!" "when we get home n see u spending 4 hours gaming every single day while the house is a mess n u still haven't done ur chores or studied for uni, i really can't believe ur working as hard as ur saying u are, yk?" like, just shoot me rn, it would hurt less if you just shoot me. i know things are downhill-downhill when i gotta listen to dookie or shoegaze music, play nitw, n destroy an old wooden door, or i'll end up throwing myself under a bus (it's 2017 all over again). everyone is feeling like shit, too! journaling... yk, like a teenager. "little brain of mine, i've been the worst to you." this entry is as long as this month has been shit. i had like one of the worst mental breakdowns of my life (it is 2017 all over again), thinking abt my shitty hs teachers, abt my neglectful mom, abt my super passionate physics teacher n how i'm going through the same things he have been through as a newbie teacher; abt all the things i've come to known way too late; my "wasted" (limitless) potential; how i've become the kind of adult i needed the most in my life; the mommy issues; etc etc. i went insane n now i'm pursuing med school (i wont enroll in it any way i just want to pass the exam). "you're demanding a perfect performace from yourself that no one can hold!" i'm mediocre & unimportant n that's ok. I KNEW I HAD HEARD THIS SONG BEFORE! when you're always studying your passion in the background & that's why you're not good at your job lmao. negativity up to a hundred.
- 07 ⠀➭⠀ playing w tarot coz i can't trust my brain anymore. i'm not tricolor but i'm still brazilian so... i went to a stand-up comedy show w my friend n i ended up siding w the atheists coz i'm a little bitch. romanticizing working as radiologist in a small town until i change my mind. one-week break from uni & messing myself up beyond repair. depressive or dissociative episodes? got hyperfixated on rdr online, but all downsides, no benefits at all. one more day existing on this goddamn planet n i don't want to exist, but oh well, i've been like this since i was 11. lost way too much weight. dizzy, rotting. no hurry, no pause. no hurry, no pause. no hurry, no pause. headaches. more depressive episodes yay. i bought an aromatic candle from a suspicious place. bought new pens as well. trying to pick myself up w/o help is gruesome. no hurry, no pause... i'm not suited for youngsters' education, give me teenagers pls. i would rather be maniac than depressive (egoistical). "do you really want to work w medicine or do you just want to soothe your perceived flaws?". role-playing as a functional & over-competent adult so ppl won't see the reef island that i am. salt & hate & everything bad. i miss my books. may august bring me peace. friend-repellent but communist-attractor. life summary.
- 08 ⠀➭⠀ generic heart. if you're neurodivergent, or you looove other nd ppl or you despise them like poison. psychoanalysis & jungian bullshit—they're my parents. on alter egos & autheticity & e3 shit. bought a new headset so now my mic works. na's 2025 list... i just want to be held. i can't be happy. hehe. full-time hater. only god knows how much i wanna be good & successfull (i'm so tired); only god knows how much i'm terrified of being good & successfull (i'm in despair). back into my shoujo era coz i gotta learn how to be a real man (i hate you patriarchal hypermasculine performance & how you make us believe women want us a certain way when they are not (shocker) a hivemind n have different tastes n desires.) my girl working hard to take me out of the manosphere (again, wow i never learn).
- 09 ⠀➭⠀ dysphoria crisis & self-harm in my usual places. what a downhill huh. don't worry dad, i won't be trimmed & caged & drowned like you were. got the haircut of my life (long on top, short on bottom, shaved sideburns). weighted myself after months & ofc i'm sick again. brother in christ, i'm in hell. my bitch-ass anxiety returned after 9 years n i keep remembering more traumatic shit that happened to me, like... can i get a break??? please???? can't believe i'm back at begging god not to let me wake up again. insomnia & (more) self-destruction. knighthood please save me... got hyperfixated on phainon too, like, wow how could i have not seen that coming. too bad i can't go clubbing anymore. thank god i don't go clubbing anymore. went to a japanese cafe & tried matcha for the first time (it's good, tastes just like yerba mate). soulmates by choice. knighthood will save me. take it while it lasts. reading about sx3 & ah...
- 10 ⠀➭⠀ love.love.love is humiliating. i hate everything i love bc it's all things that make me feel undesirable. i hate how my mother raised me to be afraid of a silent house. i've been too whiny lately. "you're like if a cat n a dog had a child." figured out my fashion style, but it doesn't really exist, which it's good, so i've heard. i may or may not have ingested glass. my brother in christ this is my most emotionaly insane year. *beats myself w a stick* you. do. not. want. that. you. just. want. attention. *sprays myself w water.* i got a job's notice for next month lmao 🤪. unfortunately, "fake it until you make it" works. o rio de janeiro... sometimes i really wish i could hug n befriend some mutuals i have here (but oh i don't wanna be a botherrr, y'all are so cool). got my new id wahoo. just learned i write, walk, and breathe wrong. enade + pnld exam, oof. I GOT MY MEDICATION!!!!! ofc god had to nerf me i'm a beast on medication wtf. agora eu sei exatamente como andar de skate. realizing i am too stiff & tense all the time. sx3 gestalt theraphy. thinking about conner n jason n "oh i should get my face pierced again; oh i should diy again; oh i should get a mohawk again; oh i should--".
- 11 ⠀➭⠀ celebrating k's birthday w/ her family & remembering all her unforgettable birthday cakes (also, "wow we've been friends for 20 years! that's a whole-ass adult!"). reading a random algorithm-recommended fanfic because why not (& i loved it!!!). mid spring just hits differently & i'm about to get emotional (i get rose-tinted glasses every late spring, fml). i'm obsessed. learning in my greek mythology class how artemis was the worst, most pick me bitch ever. *still beating myself with a stick, coz i'm mentally ill.* gf went through surgery (all good!). more trauma bro, like, when will this end ffs, (fucking year of trauma uncovering i didn't ask, i'm so tired of having nightmares). i didn't do enem this year. eu não aguento maaaaaaaais. "if i had a nickel" but w reddit-recommended, well-written jason todd fanfiction. i was brave enough to leave home dressed up in clothes i felt genuinely comfortable wearing n it was a little scary but nobody cared (except for 1 odd comentary.) ah, yes, our fav pastime together. "inside you there are two wolves... one is miserable, other is forgotten." finished a 15k story (phew). auntie decided to paint her house. i'm so goddamn tired.
- 12 ⠀➭⠀ my pc is suddenly allergic to any game (plus, the ram crisis). that lady who said "i see people seeking in relationships how to fall in love w themselves" & altered my brain chemistry. i killed a lot of internal things this year. wrath my beloved. today (03) was good; i talked w an old friend from school whom i met at uni, presented my project, cheered my teacher on our book publication, talked lots n lots w the cleaner who came to clean the aftermath of the house painting, hugged my friends lots. the blonde-men hate epidemic (i'm blonde). every day i get reminded how i'm always straying away from myself coz i wanna be great to anyone but me. how can i be good if i'm the worst that has ever been born? i lost all of my seven piercings. auntie's house is looking so comfy!! we bought new furniture n curtains. mom's b-day n loooots of cake. after all, why not? why shouldn't i indulge myself? (aka i get embarrassed by the most stupid, irrelevant things). lots of rage n spite n everything nice. "there's a difference between accepting yourself & settling for yourself. don't take the latter as a good thing." also, year retrospective. on christmas eve one of my grandmas got very sick n the other is still mourning so i didn't have any celebration this year (i tried pulling some games but the vibe was off). i have forgiven myself. if next year is anything but great i'll kms.
⠀
⸻⠀ media
- 🎧⠀ playlist
- 🎮⠀ games & gameplays
- ⠀ 0106 | cod: modern warfare 2 campaign remastered (2020)
- ⠀ 0116 | cod: modern warfare 3 (2023)
- ⠀ 0616 | night in the woods (2017)
- ⠀ 0705 | red dead online (2019)
- 📺⠀ tv shows & documentaries
- ⠀ 0105 | silo (2023) ⬩ S01
- ⠀ 0107 | the yellowstone supervolcano - america's ticking time bomb (2025)
- ⠀ 0225 | wild wolves: pack life (2025)
- ⠀ 0225 | fight for wolf valley (2025)
- ⠀ 0228 | queen of tears (2024)
- ⠀ 0303 | true beauty (2020)
- ⠀ 0402 | interview with the vampire (2022) ⬩ S01
- ⠀ 0403 | interview with the vampire (2024) ⬩ S02
- ⠀ 0404 | killer whales: up close and personal (2021)
- ⠀ 1012 | os donos do jogo (2025)
- 💻⠀ youtube
- ⠀ 0107 | why oblivion refused to settle for green screens (2025)
- ⠀ 0114 | when an author writes about themself. (2025)
- ⠀ 0407 | how to identify quality in clothing (a rant) (2025)
- ⠀ 0407 | why koreans dress better (2024)
- ⠀ 0427 | por que eu falo do jeito que eu falo? (2025)
- ⠀ 0504 | how to finally stop feeling ugly (2025)
- ⠀ 0504 | you don't want love—you want to be picked so you feel worthy (2025)
- ⠀ 0504 | you've been playing a role. it's time to come home. (2025)
- ⠀ 0804 | infamous second son: the end of an era (2025)
- ⠀ 0902 | the real secret to self-confidence (you’ve been doing it wrong) (2025)
- ⠀ 0902 | the #1 confidence hack: become socially invincible (2024)
- 🎬⠀ movies
- ⠀ 0111 | spider-man: across the spider-verse (2023)
- ⠀ 0223 | conclave (2024)
- ⠀ 0329 | secretary (2002)
- ⠀ 0410 | mickey 17 (2025)
- ⠀ 0530 | soul (2020) ♥
- ⠀ 0530 | finding nemo (2002)⠀↺ 3rd
- ⠀ 0607 | only lovers left alive (2013)
- ⠀ 0802 | k-pop demon hunters (2025)
- ⠀ 0823 | invader zim: enter the florpus (2019)⠀↺ 6th
- ⠀ 1211 | brave (2012)⠀↺ 3rd
- ⠀ 1212 | how to train your dragon (2010)⠀↺ 5th
- ⠀ 1212 | how to train your dragon 2 (2014)⠀↺ 2nd
- ⠀ 1212 | spirit: stallion of the cimarron (2002)⠀↺ 33rd
- ⠀ 1213 | treasure planet (2002)⠀↺ 2nd
- ⠀ 1214 | the green knight (2021)
- ⠀ 1215 | venom (2018)⠀↺ 8th
- ⠀ 1220 | the hunger games (2012)⠀↺ 3rd
- 📼⠀ animations
- ⠀ 0831 | scott pilgrim takes off (2023)
dec 28 2024 ∞
jan 24 2026 +
jan 24 2026 +