i can't write. i can't think. i can't talk. i can't be me, considering i have no fucking idea or concept of who or what i am.

i am so gross and terrible and sad and pathetic. i'm so pathetic for even writing that sentence, or this post.

i don't know what to do.

"and when, after fifteen years of binging, barfing, starving, needles and tubes and terror and rage, and medical crises and personal failure and loss after loss- when, after all this, you are in your early twenties and staring down a vastly abbreviated life expectancy, and the eating disorder still takes up half your body, half your brain, with its invisible eroding force, when you have spent a majority of your life sick, when you do not yet know what it means to be “well” or “normal”, when you doubt that those words even have meaning anymore, there are still no answers. you will die young, and you have no way to make sense of that fact. you have this: you are thinwhoop-de-fucking-dee"

• pound a better person into me until i am that better person

• reveal everything to everyone and they think you're an open book. but you're easily hiding a significant portion of your life.

• this is going to fucking kill me

• me
• you
• my mother, who arches her head around my bedroom door every half hour, praying that i'm her baby again

"janet"

"what mom"

"nothing"

• i want the pain to stop. but i don't. that's why i keep touching you.

• i never had a myspace
• my hair is really nice

what i wrote in march about how great drugs are makes me want to vomit.

the justification for it is that i was dumb and sixteen and easily influenced but that still doesn't really warrant anything. i have an extremely addictive personality and was encouraged and validated by people i don't know on the internet who found my impending drug abuse entertaining.

it's so fucking cool to get high, right?

it's cool until it isn't. it seems pretty fucking normal to be reliant on pills to get you through every day when 16 year olds are tweeting about the point of 'crystal' they just bought.

it's so cool to talk about how high you are. how you're going to get high. how high you were and how much fun you had.

i think i might be addicted to drugs.

it's not cool to be an addict. it's not cool to admit that you have a problem. it's not cool to admit that drugs aren't nice, aren't normal and aren't glamorous. it's not cool to stop taking drugs.

i'm not cool because i like drugs and i honestly have just realised this. i need to no longer like drugs.

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Chach says: (9:18:05 AM) ok basicaly i said

Chach says: (9:18:10 AM) you have this social outer shell

Chach says: (9:18:24 AM) and it's very fun and funny and you know eccentric and very out there

Chach says: (9:18:40 AM) people like it a lot and they feel like they know you cause you're so out therea ndd you know how your twitter is performance art etc

Chach says: (9:18:45 AM) and people think that is the real you

Chach says: (9:18:49 AM) when they don't know the real you

Chach says: (9:19:11 AM) because you've been through a lot in the last few yrs and like

Chach says: (9:19:13 AM) everyone thinks

Chach says: (9:19:19 AM) they should trreat everything like a joke with you

Chach says: (9:19:26 AM) when they dont u...

FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS

i've kept that list from 2011 because it's lame and not funny and everything i was in 2011

• i'm so glad i like being alive. i'm so glad i want to live this year. i'm so glad i don't tear at my skin anymore.

i want to fucking do something. i want to see blood.

• what if i'm not good enough for a manic depressive twenty seven year old meth addict?

apparently, insecurity is an ugly trait. i'm sorry. when i was fourteen and crazy in europe i wrote in my journal: "perhaps i was not born like this, but somehow descended into this state of being". but everything happens for a reason, and i was born like this.

• he's on anti psychotics, and so was i

i've begun to question my own intelligence

lack of ideas, writing, passions

lack of

• self

(inner self) i don't know where i am anymore

• hips
• and long corridors

i need to develop an inside. is it possible that i have become both so physically and psychologically destroyed that i no longer have an identity at all? i want to change my name, dye my hair. i don't know what i want to wear or where i want to be in six years.

i am hollow. above all, i am stupid. it's not even false intelligence like everybody i know (thanks, i know how to use a thesaurus too), i am just so fucking stupid...

there is a huge misconception that you can reach a state of normality, that you can reach a ‘functioning’ classification

through choking yourself with food the way in which a normal person does.

the only time that silenced my mind was when i was

simultaneously choking myself with psychotropic substances as often as i could.

i don't care. i'm 100% through. i wish you could all see my brain, and realise i'm not intelligent. or realise i am. i don't know what i am. i want to hurt every single person around me

i just want everyone to care about me

• whilst growing up, children are constantly lied to. i could
• go on and on and on
• listing
• these lies, these ridiculous fucking lies.
• i want to discuss just one, drugs. we are told by our parents, the media, our eighth grade health teachers, to never touch drugs. marijuana will kill you. so will ecstasy. if you binge drink, you will become a heroin addict. your life will be over.
• once these myths are eventually uncovered as lies- and i envy the girls sitting in that classroom, rolling their eyes because they know what a fucking good time they had on MDMA last weekend- it's difficult to stop. it's easy to justify your actions- once you're aware that you have taken something that didn't transform you int...

• i used to know who i was

i used to have a clear understanding of my own personality, my own likes and dislikes, interests and passions. simultaneously (2010), i was undergoing a complete identity crisis, and my life was, to say the least, dramatically changing. how i thought about myself was dramatically changing. how i viewed myself was dramatically changing.

• yet
• i
• still
• knew
• who
• i
• was

and more than anything, i could

• be myself