Past deal breakers

• if you don't ask questions about me 
• if you're stuck in the glory days of high school
• if you pretend that you're a French microbiologist 
• if you're one-dimensional (you only talk about work or your band)
• if you want me to pretend that I'm not a mom
• if you go on and on about how modest you are
• if you don't want to make plans to see me, but instead call last minute. 
  • that's not spontaneous, that's an attempt at a booty call
• if you say things of an explicit sexual nature
• if you're an obsessed superfan of Billy Joel
• if you won't shut-up about your ex
• if you try to make me feel bad about ordering a beer
  • I'm not getting trashed, I'm just getting a tasty beverage. 
• if you expect me to be a groupie
• if you spit
• if you keep texting me before we've had a real conversation
• if your main hobby is the boobtube
• if you're spineless and agree with everything I say
• if you make me feel like I'm inviting myself