A rant

• Today's dance-off between two sign holders... Seriously? Handstands and flipping your signs about make it hard to avoid looking at you. 
• Walking mattresses. So sad. You're dressed as a mattress. This is the saddest breed of human signage. How does your mother explain you to her friends?
• Bickering tweakers. Thrusting your signs for condos in the general direction of traffic while you argue over "turf". Oh, you crazy meth heads. 
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Pizza Time must have been lost before you came along with your flamboyant martial arts Raphael. You make me feel weird. 
• Air guitar. Just because Little Caesars gave you a guitar shaped sign does not mean that we all believe you're a death metal demigod. Ackkkk!
• Kmart. You sending our downtrodden to hide behind their advertisments out of humiliation doesn't inspire me to take advantage of your liquidation prices.
• I don't understand the marketing approach of suicide food. Big chickens hawking drumsticks, pigs excited about pork ribs, and you super perky woman in a cow suit (with poorly placed udder) enticing drivers to eat steak.
• So perky cow has been dressing like "Bee Girl" from the No Rain video over the cow suit. It's painful to watch. I want to smile at her for owning her lot in life. Ultimately though, it just makes me sad.
• Perky cow update - Yes, your udders were obscene, but it's just as odd that you've been censored with an apron covering your teets.
• Suicide food part II. To the rooster dancing the running man outside of Popeyes Chicken...who is that you're hanging out with? Bisquit Man? Really? A man wearing a giant bisquit on his head is supposed to make drivers hungry? 
• Dollar store closeout... I'm curious about how much you pay your sign holders to stand in the rain to announce that everything is now $.69.
• Liberty Tax Services. I haven't seen a lady Lady Liberty yet. Why are so many men applying for The Statue of Liberty gig?
• Liberty Tax update for the 2012 tax season - 27 males, 4 female Lady Libertys, an androgenous person with an upside down sash, a young native american doing a traditional dance with a red foam hand, and an air-guitarist.
• Liberty Tax update for the 2013 tax season - 29 males, 2 females and one questionable so far.
• Liberty Tax 2014 season - 37 males and 1 questionable.
• "Spring cleanout! We buy junk, cars, etc." Um... it's September, which is a month very far from spring.
• Subway Dude! His top half is a happy sandwich while his bottom half screams quiet desperation for Christmas season cash. Oh no.
• Hey lady. Your Krispy Kreme sign has been upside down for 40 minutes now.
• Hey Little Caesars Pizza sign holder. You're waving around an upside down sign. Your only job is to hold an ad. It's too hard to hold it upright?
• If I ever purchased or received roses sold by a man wearing a red vinyl and fur pimp hat on SR303 for Valentines Day, I'd.... well, I don't know what I'd do.
• Dear Great Clips furry meandering down SR 303, Are you a tiger or a Pooh Bear knock off? Are you unhappy or constipated?
• How many people must share your costume head, Unsanitary Sheep from America's Mattress? Cooties and ick.
• Dear Trader MaGee's, I had to look up what your business was online because the giant banana-man marching along the highway gave no indication that you sell antiques and collectables. Interesting marketing approach.
• Dear Trader Magee's, I apologize for my former confusion. Witnessing a young person in a headless rooster costume texting on the side of the highway makes it obvious that you buy gold, silver, coins and pawn tickets. My mistake.
• Labor Ready - I'm sure that the man standing in the elements assumed he'd get a better job than holding a Labor Ready sign when he walked in to your office. Is that the only work you can generate? Advertizing for yourself? For shame.
• Neon orange bodysuit that even covers the face Ashley Home Furnishing? Why? Why?
• So I see this dumpy looking woman in Port Angeles wearing a shapeless American flag t-shirt and bleached, wrinkled mom jeans. Where can I get such an outfit? Maybe I could get her look? Oh! The Fashion Bug sign she's holding for passersbys tells it all. Ha ha! I was laughing for a couple miles over that.
• Barrio Fiesta, I could loan you my 11 year old to make a more legible and scrumptious sign for you. If I hadn't been stopped at the-world's-longest-ever-stoplight, I would never have been able to see your specials.
• You McTakeover teachers and PTA members are FAR too enthusiastic. No one in their right mind could get that excited considering the food to eat and the way their hair will smell after that fundraiser. Tone down the perk y'all.
• Vern Fonk... Your giant head with dead eyes on a man's body are the stuff of nightmares.
• Cow costumes selling mattresses. What's up with that?! Cows sleep standing up right? Mattress Ranch, you are outta line.