• wear my seatbelt more
• apologize less
• dragons are real
• that is all

• soft-boiled egg and toast soldiers
• ramen burger

I don't know if this will be more than one entry

• eggshells and dead lightbulbs
• unripe eggplant slices and cupping necklace against my skin
  • I wish I had recorded the eggplant before pitching it

• harmonica holder

• eggshells
• rubber stamps
• postcards
• folk songs
• board games

• l'appel du vide: "the call of the void" or the feeling you get when you're on a high place and get the crazy urge to jump off

I don't have many but here are the things I am good at:

• grammar and spelling
• figuring out crossword puzzle themes
• most word-related board games
• card games that involve slapping
• making friends with weirdies (mostly unintentionally)
• reading quickly
• planning events
• shouting
• whistling
• telling the truth
• being in silence
• back rubs
• packing a suitcase
• crafting
• baking
• chemistry
• writing
• making playlists

• family tree by ben kweller
  • "I am the book and you are the binding"
• night nurse by britta phillips and dean wareham
  • "I am the visitor, you are the host"
• you are a runner and I am my father's son by wolf parade
• you had time by ani difranco
  • "you are a china shop and I am a bull"

• put up my hair
  • I look really stupid trying to do this while on the phone
  • also, braiding would truly be impossible
• fill a water bottle at the fountain
  • it seems like you should be able to do it with your body, but it's really too high to keep pushed in
  • so I guess this depends on the height of the fountain in question
• cut off the top of a hard-boiled egg
  • according to roald dahl's father who lost his arm at the elbow
• cut a piece of paper
  • unsupported, that is

• how do lost things get lost?
  • my watch
  • ohio sweatshirt
  • the barrette that aline gave me
  • our kitchen light switch
  • david's gloves
• what really happened?
  • sophomore year, hair gel party
  • that christmas where my mom switched the hair curler and the jock strap
  • was that easter egg mine
• what causes migratory pains?
• answers to all the questions you forgot you wanted to ask
• anything you forgot, ever
• what could have happened

• heuristic
• cavalier
• palimpsest
• winnow
• conflate
• salient
• germane
• coltish
• estuarine
• sanguine
• incentivize
• rhizome
• pudenda
• chiral
• glossolalic
• synecdoche
• ephemeroptera
• detritivore
• syzygy
• uriniferous
• scansion

add'l credit to Maura and the peas, and the BROS punsmiths (Jessie, Dave K, and Greg).

• la casa de los asparagus
• finnegans cake
• all quiet on the western bundt
• invisible ham
• blintz and blintzability
• fantastic mr. lox
• war and quiche
• an eclair for owen meany
• the handmaid's kale
• as I lay frying
• secret life of peas
• v for velveeta
• the a-steakening
• stranger in a strange flan
• are you there, god? it's me, margarine
• pickolas pickleby
• flan quijote (or don quiche-ote)
• the wizard of orzo

• godzilla (my cat, obv)
• grendel (dog)
• napoleon (cat)
  • also margaret thatcher (cat) and trotsky (dog)
  • winston (cat)
• sweet jenny pancake (dog that got hit by car when allyn massey was tripping on acid)
• sausage and picture frame (our late guinea pigs, named by my cousin at age 5) (thanks Abby)
• pocket (or pocky)
• ray lewis (small dog owned by large man who helped the taxi man and me push the taxi)
• ghost cat
• sprout (Niles's miniature schnauzer)
• willow-buster-kentucky gentleman-prune (our kitty boo)

• my computer and external hard drive with all the trappings (documents, music, photos, etc.)
  • lost this once; hopefully never will again
• my collection of rubber stamps
• my converse sneakers
• my watch from bolivia
  • lost en route from georgia
• shark's tooth necklace
• a perfect marble
• photostrip of ben and me at gala
• my car
  • totaled
• my CAT:ransome lift mug

since I can never think of anything in december:

• ✔ complete works of e. e. cummings
• watch
• ✔ harry potter audiobooks
  • british version, narrated by stephen fry
• good wool socks
• ribbon for my typewriter
• new black heels
• ✔ multi-tool
• records
  • otis redding
  • simon and garfunkel
  • the beatles (esp. rubber soul, help!, sgt. pepper's)
• ✔ wrist warmers
• tote bag
• map of baltimore by neighborhoods
• map of south jersey

• clap your hands say yeah , clap your hands say yeah
• feed the animals , girl talk
• graceland , paul simon
• illinoise , sufjan stevens
• moon and antarctica , modest mouse
• funeral , arcade fire
• ratatat , ratatat
• rubber soul , the beatles
• sha sha , ben kweller
• who will cut our hair when we're gone? , the unicorns
• out of range , ani difranco
• to be continued
• why are none of these new??

• redwood national forest
• BROS kinetic sculpture
• the pool at clipper mill
• kazoo orchestra

• eggplants
• turnips
• purple potatoes
• red onion
• cabbage

• slag
• numpty
• bell-end
• billy no-mates
• tosser
• pillock

for everyone's edification, a "bell-end" is the head of a penis.

• pig pink
• timberwolf
• dandelion
• asparagus
• blue violet
• red orange
• pacific blue
• everyone's favorite, cerulean
  • if only they told me as a five-year-old how to pronounce it

• snowman (credit to Kash)
• oyster
• sandworm from dune
• nuclear plant worker
  • also, homer simpson

see also: "mottos to live by"

• get along like a house on fire
• laissez faire
  • as in, "I'm pretty laissez faire when it comes to hygiene"
• buck wild
• down the hatch
• onwards and upwards
• by hook or by crook
• the gift that keeps on giving
• tally ho

• rodents
  • mouse in the laundry basket
  • mouse in the sofa cushion
  • rat in the storm drain
• dads
  • "I never sausage a thing!"
  • "if it was up your nose you'd know where it was."
  • "well...that's a deep issue."
  • "okey dokey, artichokey."
  • dad offends the Indian lady by accident
  • "man, oh manischewitz."
• inventions
• the book at the end of the universe

I can never, never remember jokes I like. please add!

• how do you make lady gaga cry?
  • poke her face!
  • ahahaha

inspired by Sam's list... these aren't very good yet, but I wanted to keep them somewhere.

• irate/pirate
• passel/passé
• whilst/whist
• bride/bridge
• pain/Palin
• manager/manger
• egret/regret
• pimped/pimpled
• decal/fecal
• perpetrate/perpetuate
• rabbit/rabbi
• late/latte
• Paypal/papal
• public/pubic
  • bonus: these are kind of antonyms
  • second bonus: this results in seeing the word "pubic" far more than I should at wo...

• santa claus vs. the martians
• earth girls are easy
• ratz
• spice world
• nuns on the run
• dagmar's hot pants
• i was a sex addict
• lake consequence

• car accidents
• hitting pedestrians
• global pandemic that causes bleeding orifices
• giving in to twitchy nerve impulses to throw myself off of high places
• physical deformity
• losing/breaking my teeth
• raising terrible children
• hot ovens
• creepy humanoids
  • mannequins
  • wax figures
  • the undead
  • the dead
  • mummies

• purple sparkly bouncy ball (quad)
• sealed burts bees chapstick (outside wagner)
• a bag of weed (hooper laundry room)
• sample pack of earplugs (abandoned lot on 36th st)
• protractor and set of markers (northwestern HS)
• t-shirt with tentacles printed all over it (near centerstage)
• TOP plastic cigarette case (under howard street bridge)
• t-shirt featuring "the spookz" with a caption on the back that reads: "we couldn't be easier if we were dead girls" (also under howard street bridge)

• words
• names
• foods I like
• crayola colors
• favorite sporcle categories
• infamous moments at westtown
• voicemail recordings I have made
• odd couples (imaginary)
• real-life heroes
• movies I want to buy
• movies I want to watch
• the best free on-demand movies
• lies I have told
• treasured possessions
• failures
• places I want to go
• professional fields I could potentially end up in
• things I am bad at
• authors I should read and retain if I want to be a proper intellectual/political s...

• teleology
• bellicose
• minutiae
• nihilism
• sacrosanct
• anemic
• desquamate
• recidivism
• contagion
• succumb

• windy days
• sunny days
• hard rains
• dressing inappropriately for the weather to try and fool spring into coming early
• purple rain season begins!
• flat radio makes its comeback
• lion and lamb pictures in elementary schools
• spring break road trips

I...

• startle easily around corners
  • often vocally
  • and embarrassingly
• am very conscious of the space I take up
  • especially on the sidewalk
• learn visually, not aurally
• repeat myself often
• sing out loud
  • and desperately wish I could be in a capella groups
• am a good whistler
• like lists that are consistent in their parts of speech
• am pretty strong in general, but
• am pretty bad at sports
• metabolize substances quickly
• am still a fairly responsible drunk

• it's impossible for an adult not to know how to swim
• golden doodles should be called golden roodles
• most people are worse at driving than I am
• the ball drop is the stupidest way to celebrate a holiday that anyone has ever invented
• when you are dropping someone off, you must wait until they get in the door to drive away
• the best way to recover from being sick is to avoid medicine for two days, dress up if you have to leave the house, and consume no alcohol except whiskey
• salt and pepper should never live apart in a household
• a kazoo is an utter delight
• the microwave is no place for plastic
• picky eaters are being difficult

• shrimp
• lobster
• pudding
• french toast
• olives
• english muffins
• fake sugars
  • sucralose, xylitol, aspartame, stevia
• meatloaf

• walking on the street when there are no cars around
• matching fancy chocolates to their little diagrams
• unexpected marching bands
• online shopping...oops
• having someone else stretch me, like at yoga
  • sorry maura if that is creepy
• peeling away individual clementine globules from the membrane and eating them
• christmas hymns
• stopping for pedestrians in crosswalks
• using the can opener
• standing in front of the fan naked
• steering the canoe
• putting on my sunglasses as I turn the car stereo up
• q-tipping
• riding in the back of a pickup truck

I'm really intrigued by handedness, although sometimes I forget which you are.

• Abby
• John
• Laura Langberg
• Michael Habif
• Natalie Braun
• Barack Obama
• Johno
• Aran

• godzilla (this is her real name)
• catface meowmers
• you little face
• meow meow
• littlefoot
• pitty or pitty pat
• fido
• squeaky/squeakers
• nugget
• sweet pea
• little girl
• slug-o-bean
• queen of sheba
• creeper or creepy kitty
• fatty; fatass; other permutations of the word "fat"
• psycho kitty (accompanied by the phrase "qu'est-ce que c'est")
• zilly
• fuzzy buttons; fuzzy B

• noam chomsky
• jared diamond
• michael pollan
• economics
• statistics

by which I mean, pairs of songs where I start singing one and end up singing the other without meaning to.

• sabotage by the beastie boys and the distance by cake
• shut up and let me go by the ting tings and take me out by franz ferdinand
  • not sure if this is on purpose?
• lily my one and only by the smashing pumpkins and paper bag by fiona apple
• sultans of swing by the dire straits and go your own way by fleetwood mac
• to be continued...I do this literally ALL THE TIME but can never remember what they are

• voilà = viola
  • "add water, mix well, and viola!"
• definitely = defiantly
  • "I am defiantly coming to the party!"
• last ditch = last stitch
  • "it was a last stitch attempt" (direct quote)
• meta-theory = meat-theory
  • "Kuhnian meat-theory had an important influence on the social sciences"
  • I have been mistyping this in my paper all night
  • spell check will not catch it either, watch out
• from the get-go = from the gecko
• typographical = topographical

• son of a bieber man
• bieber romance
• you belong with bieber
• me and bieber down by the schoolyard
• take on bieber
• bieber girl
• back here bieber
• let it bieber
• you'll always be my bieber
• biebers ain't shit
• hit me bieber one more time
• me and bieber mcgee
• bridge over troubled bieber

• "hey boy, I can see your body moving, half animal, half man" -shakira, "hips don't lie"
• "I love you like a fat kid loves cake" -50 cent, "21 questions"
• "I'd do anything just to feel your butt" -ludacris, in "lovers and friends" with usher and lil jon
• "look, there she is wit some boy shorts on" -usher, "same girl"
• "order chinese food right before you do me" -usher, "trading places"
• "do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting in the wind" -katy perry, "firework"
• "let me see you shake it like you got no bones in your body" -wyclef jean, "perfect gentlemen"
• "I'ma disrobe you, then I'ma probe you" -kanye west, "extraterrestrial"
• to be continued

the times, they are a-changin'

• blurb
• snafu
• dongle
  • actually, I have mixed feelings about this one.
• blogosphere
• factoid
• tweak

• one appendix, many appendices
• one basis, several bases (same for crises and analyses)
• one continuum, more than one continua
• one criterion, a set of criteria
• one datum, lots of data (outdated)
• one medium, multiple media (varies by usage)
• one passerby, most passersby
• one referendum, two referenda (not OED-approved)
• one trivium, a series of trivia
  • who knew??

• the god of small things
• keys to the kingdom series
• the diving bell and the butterfly
• brisingr
• interpreter of maladies
• salt
• zero
• to be continued

• socks that slip down
  • especially when I am wearing boots
• people who don't believe in climate change
  • i.e. when it snows in, say, January and someone triumphantly exclaims "and they call this global warming! ha!"
• ornery printer/scanner/copiers
• over-used meeting talk
  • "quote unquote"
  • "that being said..."
  • circle back
  • circle the wagons
  • not in my wheelhouse
• when alice's staff waits to tell you they don't have a major component of your meal until after they swipe your card
• being asked questions when I am feeling i...