autistic limerence is so annoying especially combined with confusing trauma built on technicalities. i can’t have a normal relationship or understand Feelings at all at this point which is whatever honestly but i was so cute with my highschool crush i genuinely really liked him but it felt entirely different from anything else i’ve ever felt. but idk it felt forced it didn’t feel like genuine love and honestly going after him was a very concious decision i made. the only difference is that i’ve only felt limerance with afab people but that might just be because cishet men are nothing but entertainment for me to ragebait tbh. men have it so easy ugh they get girls all the time while not respecting women so why is it so hard for me to do the other way around!!!!!! gosh life would be so easy if i was stupid and cis. anyway i think i just need to go on a few dates and get some attention from bi men (not happening any time soon) ((requires me to begin transitioning #procrastination)) i wish bi men weren’t like statistically evil but unfortunately that’s kinda the hot part. maybe i need to jump the hurdle and get on grindr already so i can get groomed as an adult this time!!! damn i really awish dating didn’t require talking to people. i promise i can be smart and articulate but it’s 5am and i haven’t slept despite like 2 blinkers. to be determined whether or not i try and stay up or go back to bed but it’s looking like the ladder. anyways heart for brains is stuck in my head and i’d say that’s fitting but honestly jts quite the opposite. i got all the heart groomed out of me via discord which in hindsight i deserved cause why was i on discord. okay i neeeeeeed to sleep or a really decadent iced coffee. someone take me to wawa and roll me a joint to put out on my thigh and the night will have been perfect. tldr; i wonder if you’re supposed to consciously pick whom you fall for romantically. likely not. (is that grammatically correct? it doesn’t feel like it. i’ll look it up in the morning)