and i will not grow tired of crayon stars and fire, the sunlight has punctured tiny holes of life; i closed my eyes, i held my breath, i prayed for light and gasped for oxygen, it wasn't there; i couldn't see, i prayed for light to scare the shadow out of me, i couldn't sleep

• insomnia | wintersleep

bones, sinking like stones, all that we fought for; homes, places we've grown, all of us are done for; and we live in a beautiful world, yeah, we do; oh, all that i know, there's nothing here to run from 'cause, yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on

• don't panic | coldplay

come out upon my seas, cursed missed opportunities, am i a part of the cure or am i part of the disease?

a little bit lost and a little bit lonely, a little bit cold here, a little bit of fear-- but i hold on and i feel strong and i know that I can; getting used to it, lit the fuse to it, like to know who i am; been talking to myself forever, yeah, and how i wish i knew me better, yeah, still sitting on a shelf and never, never seen the sun shine brighter, and it feels like me on a good day

• on a good day | above & beyond; oceanlab

drink down that gin and kerosene and come spit on bridges with me

• nobody puts baby in the corner | fall out boy

heaven holds a sense of wonder and i wanted to believe that i'd get caught up when the rage in me subsides

• silence | delerium & sarah mclachlan

i hope we feel like this forever-- foreve...__ever__ -ever? for EVER -ever?

"if you're reading this, i'm likely dead" "congrats, congrats," words through my paper head; i get your back, blood on the kitchen floor; matter-of-fact, white knuckles on my door

• permanent sigh | wintersleep

i'm damned if i do and i'm damned if i don't, so here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road; and i'm ready to suffer and i'm ready to hope, it's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat

• shake it out | florence + the machine

fingers on the teeth, a telephone call, i just wanna hear you say nothin' at all

• surrender | wintersleep

i can only recognize my face when you look at me

• someone, somewhere | wintesrleep

another evening spent in the corners of my brain, where i wander off into the dark; i close my eyes and hope the wolves won't follow me, but hope's hard of hearing, so i'm waiting for the teeth

• hard of hearing | radical face

arms were rivers through sinuous hills

• reclaim | ólafur arnalds ft. arnór dan

as if it knows who you are, it's changing shape in the dark

• metropolis | wintersleep

both hands, please use both hands, oh, no, don't close your eyes; i am writing graffiti on your body, i am drawing the story of how hard we tried

• both hands | ani difranco

dehydrated back into minerals, a lifelong walk to the same exact spot; carbon's an...

the big happysafe feeling

a n i m e ——

• 麻倉葉 | shaman king
• caesar antonio zeppeli | jojoの奇妙な冒険: 戦闘潮流
• guts | berserk
• jacuzzi splot | baccano!
• 影山飛雄 | ハイキュー!!
• 葛木カムイ | cardfight!! vanguard g
• killua zoldyck | hunter × hunter
• 黄瀬やよい • cure peace | smile pretty cure!
• lamia | betterman
• 奥平風也 | 遊☆戯☆王 zexal
• roronoa zoro | one piece
• 東堂シオン | pripara
• 浦飯幽助 | 幽☆遊☆白書
• vash the stampede | trigun
• wooly bug | 魔法使いの嫁
• 山田 akira agarkar | つり球

b o o k s ——

nonverbal wail of ambient positive emotion

a n i m e ——

• 木兎光太郎 | ハイキュー!!
• claire stanfield | baccano!
• 五色工 | ハイキュー!!
• 東方仗助 | jojoの奇妙な冒険: diamondは砕けない
• ヒゲ | wolf's rain
• 黒尾鉄朗 | ハイキュー!!
• luck gandor | baccano!
• 万丈目準 | 遊☆戯☆王gx
• 松野カラ松 | おそ松さん
• 御子柴百太郎 | free! eternal summer
• 尾形百之助 | golden kamuy
• vash the stampede | trigun
• ユーゴ | 遊☆戯☆王arc-v

c a r t o o n s ——

• the goose god | courage the cowardly dog

• aether (the fifth classical element)
• architecture
• being clean
• biopunk, solarpunk
• blue-green spectrum colors (mint, cyan, teal, etc.)
• board games, card games
• "brain" games; crosswords, riddles, mahjong solitaire, nonograms, sudoku, word searches, any kind of puzzle, etc.
• cartoon-style ghosts (sheet ghosts, pac-man ghosts, boo buddies, etc.)
• character design
  • 擬人化
• choreography, dance (collectively)
• cinematography
• civil twilight
• clubs (the card suit ♧)
• documentaries
• drawing, artwork

all songs trigger chromesthesia for me, so the ones listed here are specifically which songs elicit the chromesthesia i enjoy experiencing the most

• 9 a.m. | ☆24EFFECTS☆
• amenamy | purity ring
• 暗黒時代 | ☆24EFFECTS☆
• antissa | e.s. posthumus
• as the rush comes | motorcycle
• boy with a coin | iron & wine
• brim | ólafur arnalds
• cloud age symphony | 沖野俊太郎
• cosmic love | florence + the machine
• crawlersout | purity ring
• crossing state lines | threefifty
• cynical world | 梶浦由記
• digital bath | deftones
• the door | threefifty
• dream state | son lux
• drove through ghosts to get here | 65daysofstatic
• ekki hugsa | ólafur arnalds

favourites | ♡ most favourite of favourites

• amethyst
• ammonite
• aventurine
• blue goldstone
• botswana agate
• chrysocolla
• citrine
• dalmatian jasper
• hematite
• howlite
• labradorite ♡
• lapis lazuli
• larimar ♡
• moss agate
• opalite ♡
• phantom quartz
• rock crystal
• rutilated quartz
• smoky quartz

• as of 2023, only 30% of the seafloor on earth has actually been mapped
• as we currently understand it, only 5% of the known universe is matter we can actually observe
• babies can crawl all the time without suffering yet adults generally suffer when we try to crawl on our knees because the kneecap is entirely soft cartilage w...
• chainsaws were originally invented to assist in childbirth
• children can drown in as little as one inch of water
• despite that there are (approximately) at least one billion stars in the milky way galax... and (approximately) one trillion stars in the andromeda gala..., space is so incredibly vast that it's actually unlikely that any of the stars will coll... when the galaxies merge
• even if we do somehow manage to save the earth from all of the harm caused by humanity, if humankind itself intends to carry on to infinity, it will have to abandon the earth someday anyway because the earth is eventually going to be consumed by th...; therefore, should humanity survive that long to begin with, except for whatever we may manage to take with us when we evacuate the planet, everything that's ever ...

when you can't remember the term for something so your brain uses adjacent terms to describe it

♫ entries for spouse | ◐ entries for husband

• body lotion » skin yogurt
• brightness adjuster on phone » light thermometer ♫
• calendar » month map ♫
• candy cane » peppermint pole
• coffee cream » coffee oil ♫
• corkscrew » wine drill
• crushed red pepper flakes » chili sprinkles
• dish soap » dish syrup
• doctor's appointment » health meeting
• expiration date » life expectancy ♫
• flight attendant » planekeeper
• food » hungry stuff (one of my cousins)
• fortune cookie » lucky biscuit ◐
• gate » yard vent
• ice cubes » water croutons
• icyhot » burnfresh or mint for your skin ◐

i don't agree with the extremities of stoicism, but a great deal of it encourages distress tolerance and the acceptance of death, which are skills i must learn to use effectively if i'm to participate in society ever again, which i inevitably will have to do when my spouse's various worsening conditions eventually fully overcome their ability to work, should both of us live that long

• even if you were to live for three thousand years or ten times as long, you should remember this, that no one loses any life other than the one that he is living, nor does he live any life other than the one that he loses, so the shortest life and the longest amount to the same. for the present is equal for all, and what is passing must be equal also, so what can be lost is shown to be nothing more than a moment; and no one could lose either the p...

ever struggle with maladaptive fantasies of knocking someone's lights out or yeeting them into a volcano when they're being an asshole or an idiot or there's some big injustice happening, but you know holding onto intense negative emotions is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, so you need to find a less toxic way to process your frustration? consider these petty revenge fantasies instead, which focus on simply deeply inconveniencing or annoying someone rather than harming them or putting them in danger (allergy/dietary restrictions and accessibility device requirements excepted)

♠ updated as my spouse & i think of more

• adding an extra hole to their salt shaker so it also has 3 holes like the pepper shaker and comes out really quickly
• changing all the labels on their spice jars

• 3-d animation, most of the time
• 3-d paper cutout art
• 3-d wooden puzzles
• animatronics
• basically every possible social interaction offline
• being alone too long
• being in a location where mountains can be seen in the distance
• being in spaces that are intended to be full of people but are currently empty, like cinemas, auditoriums, gymnasiums, etc.
• being in very large open spaces with lots of people such as shopping malls or live music concerts
• being inside too long
• being outside too long
• claymation
• driving too long
• globe view in google maps

in general, anything relating to death or memory loss scares me the most | biggest fear of my biggest fears | ♠ things i find scientifically fascinating but also frightening

• death , and all death-related concepts
  • the aging process and the more intense concepts relating to it
    • completely losing my sense of taste
    • inevitably reaching the precipice upon which i will be permanently hyperaware that it's now likely for me to die a natural death sooner than later simply because i'm old enough for it if nothing else
    • losing all my hair
    • losing mental autonomy
    • losing physical autonomy
    • tooth decay & losing my teeth
  • being in a life-or-death situation in which i'm willing to do almost anything to stay alive and being killed anyway

most favourite | ♡ most favourite of most favourites

a t l a n t o g e n a t i d s —

• african forest elephant, loxodonta cyclotis
• black and rufous elephant shrew , rhynchocyon petersi ♡
• giant anteater , myrmecophaga tridactyla
• hoffman's two-toed sloth, choloepus hoffmanni
• north african elephant shrew, petrosaltator rozeti
• pink fairy armadillo, chlamyphorus truncatus
• rufous elephant shrew , galegeeska rufescens
• somali elephant shrew, galegeeska revoilii
• southern tamandua , tamandua tetradactyla ♡
• southern three-banded armadillo , tolypeutes matacus ♡
• west indian manatee , trichechus manatus

m a r s u p i a l s —

• brazilian gracile opossum, gracilinanus microtarsus
• gray short-tailed opossum, monodelphis domestica
• honey possum , tarsipes rostratus ♡
• numbat, myrmecobius fasciatus
• southern greater glider , petauroides volans
• sugar glider, petaurus breviceps

updated as i remember/find more

• absinthe
• acapulco
• accrue
• agog
• ambidextrous
• amphibian
• antipathy
• aqueduct
• archipelago
• articulate
• asterisk
• atrium
• axolotl
• balderdash
• balustrade
• betwixt
• bewitched
• bodacious
• brioche
• cacophony

most favourite | ♡ most favourite of most favourites

• alpine newt , ichthyosaura alpestris
• american green tree frog, dryophytes cinereus
• atzalan golden salamander, chiropterotriton aureus
• axolotl (leucistic) , ambystoma mexicanum ♡
• blue-spotted salamander , ambystoma laterale
• boie's frog, proceratophrys boiei
• cayenne caecilian, typhlonectes compressicauda
• chengalam caecilian , uraeotyphlus interruptus ♡
• cinnamon frog , nyctixalus pictus
• cloud forest salamander, bolitoglossa carri
• clouded salamander, aneides ferreus
• common surinam toad , pipa pipa
• ecuador horned tree frog , hemiphractus bubalus
• fourche mountain salamander, plethodon fourchensis
• golden mantella , mantella aurantiaca
• horned marsupial frog, gastrotheca cornuta
• japanese common toad, bufo japonicus
• japanese fire-bellied newt, cnops pyrrhogaster
• lichen bush frog, raorchestes nerostagona
• olm , proteus anguinus

*yodels passionately in special interest* i love sharks so much

most favourite | ♡ most favourite of most favourites

• australian angelshark , squatina australis
• bali catshark, atelomycterus baliensis
• bat ray , myliobatis californica
• blacktip reef shark, carcharhinus melanopterus
• blue shark, prionace glauca
• bluespotted ribbontail ray, taeniura lymma
• bull shark, carcharhinus leucas
• coffin ray, hypnos monopterygius
• dark shyshark , haploblepharus pictus ♡
• devil fish , mobula mobular ♡
• dusky shark, carcharhinus obscurus
• dwarf lanternshark , etmopterus perryi
• giant oceanic manta ray , mobula birostris ♡
• golden cownose ray , rhinoptera steindachneri
• grey reef shark, carcharhinus amblyrhynchos
• gummy shark, mustelus antarcticus
• lemon shark , negaprion brevirostris ♡
• lollipop catshark , cephalurus cephalus

most favourite | ♡ most favourite of most favourites

r o d e n t s —

• african pygmy mouse , mus minutoides
• beach mouse , peromyscus polionotus ♡
• belding's ground squirrel, urocitellus beldingi
• black-tailed prairie dog, cynomys ludovicianus
• capybara , hydrochoerus hydrochaeris ♡
• chacoan mara, pediolagus salinicola
• common degu, octodon degus
• common punaré, thrichomys apereoides
• cotton mouse, peromyscus gossypinus
• european ground squirrel, spermophilus citellus
• fancy rat , rattus norvegicus domestica ♡
• fawn hopping mouse , notomys cervinus
• grey dwarf hamster , nothocricetulus migratorius ♡
• hidden forest chipmunk, neotamias umbrinus
• house mouse, mus musculus domestica
• japanese dwarf flying squirrel , pteromys momonga
• japanese squirrel , sciurus lis
• little pocket mouse , perognathus longimembris
• long-eared chipmunk , neotamias quadrimaculatus

because we can never remember what we even like to eat, ever

• adobong baka
• apple & peanut butter
• apple, cheese, & pretzels
• baked beans & toast
• beef & broccoli
• beef stew
• biscuits & gravy
• boiled eggs
• breakfast burrito
• breakfast skillet
• chicken burgers
• chicken carbonara
• chicken katsu
• chicken salad sandwich
• chicken tenders/nuggets & fries
• chicken wings
• chili & chips/cornbread
• chili cheese fries/tots
• chips & salsa/guacamole

s w e e t ——

• banana nut bread
• blackberries
• breakfast cereals, both ones marketed for kids & ones marketed for adults
• caramel covered green apples with nuts
• chai latte with whipped cream
• cheesecake ice cream with strawberries and sliced almonds
• coffee ice cream with toffee pieces
• dragonfruit vodka | pre-sobriety
• funnel cake with icing sugar & chocolate drizzle
• gummi candy (bears, worms, etc.)
• honeycrisp apple slices with crunchy peanut butter
• honeydew slush
• key lime pie
• lemon-lime soda with coconut extract
• lemonade & lemon flavored things in general

as many people know of autistic folk, some textures make us want to turn inside out and crawl on the ceiling and scream; these are mine || worst

s p e c i f i c —

• birch-based disposable cutlery
• corduroy
• emery boards
• felt
• heather
• newspaper
• polystyrene
• raw cotton
• raw meat
• semolina flour
• silk
• tulle
• tweed
• velvet
• wool

g e n e r a l —

f l a v o r ——

• anchovies
• baklava
• bloody mary | pre-sobriety
• blueberries & most blueberry flavored things
• cauliflower
• cheap beer | pre-sobriety
• most cherry flavored things
• 出汁
• deviled eggs
• gin | pre-sobriety
• gold tequila | pre-sobriety
• 鰹節
• 김치
• kombucha
• licorice
• margaritas | pre-sobriety
• matcha
• miracle whip
• olive oil

• babies crying
• chewing or slurping
• children shriek-screaming
• cicadas
• cutlery scraping against dishware
• dial-up connection/fax machine feedback tone
• drills, especially dental drills
• fluorescent lights
• glass being cut
• noodles being stirred
• refrigerators
• the completion beep of microwaves
• the emergency alert notification sound for cellphones