• If I am outwardly flirting with you or wearing revealing clothing, this does NOT mean that I want to fuck you OR that you are entitled to such. Your frustration is your own problem; don't act angry when I reject you and them blame me for your failures at sexual conquest.
• "Hey, by the way, what's your phone number?" It is completely inexcusable for you to catch me off-guard by asking for my number without even taking a fraction of a moment to gauge my interest. Did you ever consider that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I don't WANT to give you my number? That maybe I don't WANT to hang out with you? This is my job; I am nice and funny to you because I am paid to do so, not because I have some earnest interest in you. It is unfair to trick me into giving you my number without first inquiring whether I'd even actually like to see you outside of this environment.
• Waving your feminist ideals all around the room, you rant about how i shouldn't use the word 'bitch.' How it is imperative that we watch our language in this world, how we must cultivate a greater understanding and continue the dialogue about these sensitive but under-appreciated issues. You incessantly pontificate on sexism and oppression, exuding pride in that haughty manner of yours--mostly when you're around women. Do you think I will fall to my knees in utter awe and proceed to blow you all because you claim to 'respect' me? You can't tout these high-brow, 'enlightened' ideas and then turn around and disrespect me. I don't NEED your help in my quest to fight the patriarchy, nor do I need your ostensible respect. I'm shocked and ashamed to say that I've felt more oppressed and violated by you than ANYONE else--even the men who ogle me in the grocery store. Here you are on the inside, allegedly fighting for increased equity and empathy, yet you are incapable of living up to your own standards, and feel I owe you something in exchange. You feel entitled to me, and proceed to get frustrated when I do not submit or am otherwise disinterested. Really? Is this feminism? An egregious act of yours in attempt to appear more sensitive and attractive? No. It's not. What it is is downright insulting, demeaning, and depressing. When you decide to grow up and treat me like a human being--not some weak woman who needs your help as a fellow "feminist--"maybe I'll listen to your reasoning. But for now, thank you for your unsolicited opinion. I will proceed to use whatever goddamn word I please--particularly if it's one that is targeted specifically at MY gender.
• Oh yeah, you like "all natural" women? You think women who shave their legs or wear makeup are bowing to the patriarchy? Have you ever thought for one moment, that maybe every action a woman takes is not simply to satisfy you and your incomprehensible, senseless range of expectations? Of course not. because this patriarchal society is all about YOU, what YOU want, "need," and think you deserve. You should really realize that your narcissistic feminist self-designation does *not* entitle you to determine the decisions of your female counterparts any more than that of the hyper-masculinity of other men with need for incessant control and authority (those you tirelessly condemn). Those of you who think you can impose your seemingly more benign, "natural" standards on women--be them less makeup, more hair, what have you--should know that those types of standards are no less harmful or more valorous than that of the traditional patriarchy you so harshly condemn. NO MATTER THE STANDARDS OR EXPECTATIONS, YOU ARE STILL THE PATRIARCHY. For the record: I will do what I want with my body, and it won't be for you or anybody else, so get the fuck over yourself.
• I don't fucking care if I tell you 'maybe,' or have sex with you (whether it's for one second or five hours in a combination of momentary lapse in judgment, pressure, and curiosity), or flirt with you, or turn you on, or make you want me in the most 'criminal' way. If i say no, it fucking means no. Stop asking. Stop hoping.Stop offering to do nice things for me simply so i will suddenly realize you are the one. No. It's not going to happen. I don't want it. I'm not. End of story. That is the fucking point of consent, and i will not be guilted into sex or emotional dependency under your utterly delusional, fabricated pretense of, 'Oh, but you led me on!' And touting "getting with" me to our mutual friends after I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU NOT TO? Disgusting and humiliating. Self-proclaimed feminism is bullshit if not actualized in your daily life, and it won't get you laid. If you want to do nice things for me, that's on you. I don't owe you anything, you don't deserve me, and i'm not a 'bitch' for feeling or not feeling the way i do. Fuck you. I will NOT be treated like a bitch.
• Can't get out of 'the friend zone?' You know, women can make great friends, too. We aren't just objects, and sometimes--just sometimes--we might have a shred of intelligence or intrigue other than in our possession of vaginas.
• And for the sad boys of the world: "You're the only good thing in my life," "Nothing makes me as happy as you do," "I wish the world was just us," and certainly countless other self-deprecating statements that put the weight of the world on my shoulders. Yes, I am happy. No, I do not hate myself. I am sorry that you aren't. I am sorry that you do. I am sorry that you have seemingly insurmountable obstacles to climb to gain any semblance of sanity or self respect and are therefore incapable of giving anyone else the respect they deserve. Despite all of this, inserting your misery into me along with your dick (no matter how big) will not make any of this go away, nor will drinking away your wallet or dignity. Grow up and solve your own problems, and stop looking to happy, carefree girls to fill the voids in your life. You're in your mid-twenties and contrary to what you may think, are the least significant person on the planet. But oh... the world and its people don't matter because there is no God and we are all miserable, avaricious capitalists? Please, I beseech you: Stop acting as if your brooding and inner turmoil are somehow benefiting the world in the form of anarchist rants, angry Facebook posts, and serial heartbreaking. You're not the cool, jaded, misunderstood anarchist you think you are. You're the pathetic, overdone embodiment of the Simple Plan songs I listened to in eighth grade when I locked myself in my bedroom and wrote angry poems. Grow up.

How else can I say I am not your hide-away? Get your face out from the crook in my arm. And not only I can be what's keeping you alive; if I slip up, if I fall asleep you're gone. And god knows I tried, but I am goddamn tired.

• And for those of you who are "just so awkward." I'm sorry, but I don't have time for a 25-year-old man who "just doesn't know how to talk to women." You should respect me as a person and therefore talk to me the same way that you talk to every other human. It's not that difficult to do, and your inability to do so is NOT cute, despite what all the Michael Cera movies may imply. My life business is not to train boys like you how to be tactful and smooth. Just because I am kind and funny to you does not mean that there is some deep "connection" between us, or that I want to go on a date with you during which you will do absolutely no talking and then try to kiss me because of some imaginary "spark" between us. You want to know how to succeed with women? Pay attention to something other than yourself.
• You are not skilled at sex simply because you are able to hold your come and thrust endlessly. Sex is not simply an in-and-out transaction where i will be content to sit lifelessly until you're satisfied. I'm sorry that you're sexually frustrated and deprived. I'm sorry masturbation isn't good enough for you. This does not mean i am entitled to be fucked thoughtlessly just to satisfy you. Everything is important, and the best sex I've had has not been the best sex I've had because I've been fucked for four hours and left sore for three days. Oh, you don't LIKE making out? You don't LIKE being teased? I have two hands, so I can fuck myself. I don't need you for that, and if your only point of focus is yourself anyway, you don't me for this transaction.