old phone:

• FWD: I will you gay bastard! Im gonna break in his house blow all your heads off with a machine gun hack off everyone of your limbs with a giant machete personally take a shit in everyone of your mouths then fuck zelda till i bust that fucking dogs anus wide open then ill pour gasoline on everyone of your heads and through the entire house and send it up in flames! Oh yea and if i havent ever told you before. FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCK FUCKER BITCH !!!!! (5/20/08) - brennin
• OKAY EMBARASSED bought underwear online from american eagle so that way no one else has touched it and got these nice ones with green apples except now i find they say DELICIOUS on the back in green metallic letters. god. (7/8/08, 8AM) - holly
• so last night when i wanted to be dramatic and destroy the picture frame of us i got my tall stool and tried to crush it but the glass wouldn't break. So then i decided to rip the picture but then the picture WOULD NOT rip. it was like plastic. so then i just crumbled it up and threw it out. (3/22/09) - emil
• no google results for "is squidbillies a joke" (4/27/09) - holly
• FWD: Like shit. school's not that bad like i said i want to be around someone who will treat me like i deserve to be treated ya know? - (5/15/09) Noah to Rita
• No but rachel just said that megan texts jordan under her bible during youth group. HAHAHAHA. (5/16/09) - brennin
• a picture comment to the girl with stick arms "yeah u sexy hun. u got that bod that i no guys be wanting to eat off of im not stupid. and ur eyes. the kind that put spells on guys n make em do what u want. i no its ok ur allowed to cuz ya hot shit. pssh lol" YEP (7/5/09) - brooke
• Someone is watching (7/11/09) - mr. cromley
• YEP. My grandpa is watching golf right now and he turns to me and says "there are three chinks and an american tied for first" (7/12/09) brooke
• watching twilight this shit is gold (7/15/09) - holly
• yeah. 30 year old girl working with me marrying a 60 year old man on saturday. cool. yep. (7/21/09) - jesse
• Watch out for pat he's out (7/25/09) - chris
• Sean Slyman keeps grabbing his crotch (7/26/09) - chris
• BERTA HAS SWINE FLU HAHAHAHAHA. (7/29/09) - brennin
• My parents are listening to Patrick bark through my grandpa's phone because they miss him (8/3/09) - chris
• Yeah if i was there we sure as hell would be having fun playing games whether we liked it or not (8/4/09) - chris
• Ordering a sub at subway and my dad turns to me and says you're a man who knows what he wants (8/4/09) - chris
• Fuck yeah you do (8/7/09) - chris
• if it pleases you at all i'm thinking of nasty questions to ask derek at his part (8/10/09) - holly
• Chris touching us = i like this. (8/17/09) - sarah
• YEP. ROOMIE'S FRIEND JUST SAID "THE BEST WEEKENDS ARE THE ONES YOU CAN'T REMEMBER" COOL (9/1/09) - brooke
• just so everyone knows my kitty is no longer named monkee now she is refered to as barbeque child. thanks. (9/4.09) - ryan
• Yeah yeah yeah one hour of sleep yes please livin the life i love lovin the life i life (9/28/09, 6:53 AM) - brennin
• My dad just saw a man in the newspaper playing guitar and he goes oh its marshall (9/28/09) - chris
• Yep cool wikipediaed this book bc i was confused, read that it ends with her falling out of a window. Thanks. Yep. (9/28/09) - sarah
• HAHHAH. YEAH VINTAGE STUFF YEAH THRIFTING YEAH (9/28/09) - brandon

new phone:

• Erin
  • Just calling to let you know I broke my coffee pot
  • I AM SO HOT RIGHT NOW. Pass that shit to the left.
  • Yo guys better fill me in on plans and have your be ready to open doors for me when i get home to sleep with the bag of cat
  • You guys better be in your room when I get out off my TEST or i'm mad mad
  • For your (you plural) eyes only
  • Hams: 2 for 25 at the cheerful tortoise. You in?
  • Lock that text it was clever we will need to look back at it
• Brooke
  • If someone was to go through my top drawer they would find a hairdryer, the rocky horror picture show, an empty box of tampons, a mardi gras mask, an indian head dress, and a picture of derek beyer without a shirt on
  • Hey guys, why don't we all sleep in the BIG TENT
  • YEAH COOL. I was in a giant lecture hall prepping for my final and I tried to take my sweatshirt off and I accidentally took my tshirt off too, so I was just sitting there in my bra and jeans.
  • T-BIRD IS DOING LITTLE PUSH UPS IN THE LIVING ROOM AND EVERYTIME HE COMES DOWN HE KISSES ROXY. IT IS SO BIZARRE. HE JUST STARTED GOING, "ROXY, YOU MY GIRL???"
  • good. niggamadeapizza
  • He probably feels like a king because someone other than me is texting him
  • Obviously. The quality of my person is measured in how many bikes I own and if I can skate on an ice rink the size of a bottle cap (which is in my house)
  • I FORGOT TO TELL YOU: my medical student kept trying to get me to speak spanosh since i told him i took it in high school, so i finally just said CUATRO
  • Some guy just came up to my dad and told him that he looks like John McCain
  • Holes are holes. No matter how attractive and Cuban they are
  • Also, the Biff-ster got big
  • Tommy is eating noodles with his hands
  • LONG ISLAND JUST ASKED IF THERE ARE BLACK PEOPLE IN PENNSYLVANIA. And then she asked what Don't Ask Don't tell was, and was very confused when she heard gays want to serve in the military. She was like 'I feel like they wouldn't want to be in the military, they just want to sing all the time'
  • DRUNK. MISO SOUP. MARHALL. CLEAR SOUP.
  • My grandma's response when I told her I got a full body scan... FWD: Guess they were looking 4 something 2 do! They will probably search everyone but Muslims!!! LOL
  • I live in a constant state of hunger and confusion
• Sarah
  • Lend me your extendable ear
  • FWD: tell her Cats 101 is on animal planet
  • It smells like nicotine and circus peanuts in this safe ride van and i am so disgusted that i pulled my scarf over my nose and it smells like room. Like you.
  • BUNCOM!?
• Chris
  • COME ON PENNSTATE LETS PLAY SOME FOOTBALL - Dad
  • Chris Edelman just walked into school. Will he ever leave Bloomsburg
  • SORRY MY COMPUTER IS EXPLODING
  • I'LL BE CLOSER TO YOU IN LIKE FIVE HOURS JUST SAYIN
  • My dad just said he wants me to "tickle the ivories"
  • My Mom just said She's concerned that i'm going to talk with strangers on the internet who have "similar interests"
  • Molly just heard me turn a page in my book and ran
  • I don't have my wallet with me and my dad just said "WHAT IF WE WANT TO GO TO A RESTAURANT AND THEY WON'T LET YOU IN BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR ID"
  • My dad just said i need to have my phone with me when i ride my bike because i might get hit by a car and someone will need to call them if i am passed out.
  • From my mom FWD: BTW, u r not a citizen of N.C. U R a resident. U r a citizen of the USA!
  • Looking over some of my notes and one of them says "review these pages you are sleeping" i really do not remember that.
  • FWD: You should be home by 1130. We fly. At 215. HOW IS TRAFFIC
  • FWD: GOOD MORNING SON. Did you get on the road on time? How far along are you? Travel safe
• Holly
  • man came to class in his army uniform. hey are you in the military jw not sure
  • I JUST SAW SOMEONE COLLAPSE ON THE SIDEWALK OUTSIDE AND SCREAMED but then I saw another girl drawing chalk around her. just drawing body outlines don't worry
  • okay but bellatrix is a vampire. YOU EVEN GAVE HER A DEVILISH NAME. what did you expect, a cat that wasn't a vampire?
  • wants2seepwitu
  • Ellen I cannot deal with the number of men who like me right now. TOO MUCH CANT TAKE IT AHH STOP.
• Brennin
  • Girls [motherfucking females] why do you act this way? [Why do y'all act this way?]
  • THERE WAS A BABY IN MY ROOM I SWEAR I DIDN'T FORGET IT ON PURPOSE. [to apologize to me for not bringing me my phone. when i didn't have it. yep.]
  • I think it's been the plan of every girl after seeing The Voyage of the Mimi in 6th grade.
• Aaron
  • Yay. DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THEM. like an eclipse. [referring to adam temple's mother's eyes.]
  • Just so you know, Baobab in German is "Affenbrotbaum." Literally translated: Monkey Bread Tree.
• Rosh
  • i ordered good in bed on half.com for 1.58...5.01 including shipping. and i made sure it was no audio
  • almost did...he stopped me. he was like what are u doing rosh? as i pulled my pants down.. "shut up blake im going to the bathroom."
• Alison
  • Sam is sitting around in their room.....not wearing a shirt showing off his abs....makin me uncomfy
• Maya
  • Remember when we played vodka pong with like 3 cups
• Emily
  • dinner tonight: boardwalk bar. consisting of fries, pizza fries, corndogs, stromboli, and nachos.
• Ryan
  • hey im gonna get the cashe from daddie on the day jesus moves that big fuckin rock from where his dead body was stashed. you have any liquor i could borrow?
• Taylor
  • A beekeeper hit on me. "So you know, if you ever want to come see my bees..." This is serious.