- be John Malkovich
- dress up like a pirate
- pull a prank involving 100 lawn gnomes
- fight for civil lefts
- get drunk in an Irish pub and a Scottish pub to see which one gets me more drunk
- cause the apocalypse by accident
- concoct a plan of world domination
- have an underground lair
- have my own minions
- swim in a kiddie pool full of pudding
- slap someone with a fish
- open a New Army store next to an Old Navy store
- convince someone that 0+0=1
- fill a bottle with water from the Pacific Ocean and empty it into the Atlantic Ocean
- sell seashells by the seashore
- see a forklift lift a crate of forks
- hijack a parade a la Ferris Bueller
- color a Kids Menu at a restaurant and enter it in the contest without telling them it was colored by an adult
- learn all the words to "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice
- when it's raining perform the song and dance with an umbrella a la Singing In The Rain
- sneak a porcupine into a petting zoo
- open a potato-themed restaurant and call it "This Spuds For You" or "You Say Potato, I Say F*ck You"
- get a parrot and teach it to talk like Yoda
- live in a fancy neighborhood and be the quirky neighbor with all the cats
- make a "Waldo" dress and have someone find me in a crowd
- howl at the moon
- come up with a new English word
- invent a new color of crayon
- find out why crying makes you produce enormous amounts of snot
- find out if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about
- pretend my house is haunted so I can have paranormal detectives check it out and then laugh when they don't find anything
- sell Michigan to Canada
- look for opportunities to say dramatic lines like, "You'll live to regret this!" or "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."
- explain something through interpretive dance
- find a way to gather every existing person who calls themselves 'emo' or 'scenester' and destroy them all at once
- uncover a government conspiracy
- get marooned on a deserted tropical island
- spend my retired years sitting in a cafe in France, with a big black hat, pearls, black dress and gloves, smoking a cig with a long filter
- be recognized as the eighth deadly sin
- have a plan that isn't thwarted by those meddling kids
- duct tape someone to a ceiling
- convert all fried egg eaters into scrambled egg eaters
- live in a cave
- keep a harem of Norwegian manwhores
- become a crazy old cat lady
- go to a hotel for absolutely no reason except to use the amenities
- own a house with a hidden, secret room
- use my credit card to pay for something under $1
- sell Texas back to Mexico
- microwave a grape
- know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run
- un-know some of what I know
- eat cottage cheese at 6 am
- knock Kim Kardashian upside the head but given that I don't fancy meeting her EVER, I will resort to flicking her in the head whenever I see her taking up space in a magazine
- every time someone asks me to do something, ask if they want fries with that
- become the next Doctor on Doctor Who
- write fortunes for fortune cookies
- go back in time and give Joan of Arc a fire extinguisher
- lobby for "tickled to death" as an appropriate form of capital punishment
- push Donald Trump into a vat of carbonite, then melt him down into a bunch of little figurines and distribute them around the world
- create a brochure on the benefits of making sweet love to me
- gather a bunch of people, go to a public place, and have them all sing and dance to "It's A Hard Knock Life" and then have them sit down again like nothing happened
- make the weather behave itself
- buy strange things, put them in the living room and then deny knowing about how they ever got there when questioned by others
- eat a burrito for all three meals in one day
- drink a martini while wearing a bikini
- get into a fight that involves breaking a bottle on a table and waving it menacingly at someone
- get locked in a library overnight
- get a priest, a rabbi and a nun to walk into a bar
- hit all the buttons in an elevator
- dress up in formal attire and go to a fast food restaurant
- learn to stop worrying and love the bomb
- tell a taxi driver to "Follow that car!"
- become a ninja
- dress like a librarian and transform myself into a sexpot merely by taking off my glasses and putting my hair down
- get talked through a lifesaving operation by a doctor over the phone
- throw a dart at a map, see where it lands, and then go there
jul 16 2010 ∞
dec 7 2022 +