- (812): how much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
- (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
- (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
- (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
- (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
- (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
- (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
- (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets
- (416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
- (971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
- (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
- (971): damnit I wish I could remember that.
- (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
- (970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
- (714): we're chasing vodka with high fives
- (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
- (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
- (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
- (330): and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
- (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
- (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
- (734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
- (1-734): what was she crying about?
- (734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
- (413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
- (978): Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
- (254): I am coming home for anal
- (215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
- (610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
- (989): I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
- (207): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
- (617): We call that spaghetti Os
- (414): You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
- (561): So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
- (802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
- (1-802): actually, i try not to think about it
- (802): and i pooped them out
- (419): The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
- (602): 69 |D_O
- (1-602): wtf does that mean??
- (602): it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
- (716): it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
- (602): Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
- (314): Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
- (619): i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
- (402): Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
- (305): considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
- (702): Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
- (1-702): You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
- (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from Heaven.
- (510): he said he didn't have a condom.
- (415): and you said?
- (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
nov 10 2009 ∞
feb 6 2010 +