I dedicate this list to Erin. And to girls everywhere, Beware.

• For being a womanizer. I especially like how you used to tell me how an amazing boyfriend you can be. Except you view all girls as a piece of ass; so, I don't know how you could ever have a girlfriend?
• For making me cry that one time at work. Douche. I still hate you for that. I can freaking talk to my manager and help out the hostesses. You're not my boss so maybe you should not be so bossy.
• For not ever apologizing. I don't even think you know the words "I'm sorry."
• For telling Evan that I deserve "one a days." Evan doesn't hit me and just for saying that you should get ten a days. And I don't do men hitting women. You deserve far more than seven years for that shit.
• For thinking that smoking pot makes you a better person. And simultaneously for thinking that selling drugs made you BA.
• For lying. I know for a fact, like for. A. Fact. That you did not break that guy's leg. Apparently he hit you really hard and now you have a brain injury and think you are stronger, better, faster, longer than you already are.
  • Forgive me for that Kanye reference. I still love.
• For screwing over one of my best friends. Chicks before dicks. She should have drunkenly punched you in the other eye and blinded you.
• For wanting to be my Evan's friend only because I hate you and you think it is funny. My Evan deserves to have real friends because he is truly one of the best friends ever. So you dick'd him over, too.
• For having that nasty facial hair. Ew.
• For thinking you are the best server at the OG. Let me tell you what. You live in Montana. You are not that cool. Second, it's the Olive Garden. Big whoop. Third, you work with like 100 other servers so nice try. You have some competition.
• For thinking you are God's gift to women. (In the words of my bffbfbf, Jamie, who put it so well.) Let me tell you again, you're not. Not everyone wants to sleep with you. A warning should come in the training course.
• For discussing me, in rude ways, with my bff. First of all, if you have something to tell me, please say it to my face. You pussy. Second, you probably tell her to piss me off. Which, fine, you win. You do piss me off. Now can you stop?
• For thinking I'm going to get divorced? And for wishing that on Evan. Since you think I'm such shit, why don't you discuss that with Evan? Is it because, oh I don't know, he knows me better than you? And loves me? And hates you? What? Oh. Yeah, that's probably it.