JUNE

• June 7, 2017 ▸ 16°C weather · Sprotte is doing much better · Brunhilde is still broody (Day 11) · planted more radish & carrots · working on the blog
• June 8, 2017 ▸ migraine · just feel like crying nonstop · took care of Bailey's grave · planted more flowers · tears
• June 9, 2017 ▸ awful nightmare · sent home from work because of terrible backache · hot water bottel & pain killers · finally Friday · off for a week
• June 10, 2017 ▸ plans for a new fence · quality time with the chickens · reading & studying · writing to Claudia all evening · watching Unfaithful
• June 11, 2017 ▸ 30°C · hiding inside from the heat · keeping the horses & chickens cool with frozen watermelon · feeling dizzy all the time
• June 12, 2017 ▸ gray & gloomy day · tried to sleep in but no way - this girl still gets up at 4am on her days off · harvesting radishes · feeling the deep need to meet someone new - someone to have deep conversations with · writing to Tanja until late at night
• June 13, 2017 ▸ vet with Fred · I was hacked on Instagram :( · so disappointed & heartbroken because of L · people are so reckless! · pancakes for dinner (yes, it's that kind of a day!)
• June 14, 2017 ▸ Fred is doing much better already · doing a lot of work around the homestead · laundry all morning · bought new yarn · decluttered the storage room
• June 15, 2017 ▸ concerned about Licentia · it's too hot & humid · built a second hayrack for the horses · chopping wood for winter · watched A cure for wellness
• June 16, 2017 ▸ nightmares · glad that Licentia's doing better · one step closer · cut down branches all afternoon · started building the shelter
• June 17, 2017 ▸ weird morning · Licentia & Bella ALWAYS put a smile on my face · the baby chick hatched! · blogging again · got so much work done today
• June 18, 2017 ▸ wrote to Tanja a lot on and off all day long · lazy day · so happy & thankful that the hatchling is doing just fine · Brunhilde is such a caring mommy · picked up yarn & needles again
• June 19, 2017 ▸ called LWK & got the official confirmation :D · 33°C at midday · spent 2 hours on the phone today making so many important phone calls · of course something bad has to come up - I'm so heartbroken · can't sleep because I'm worrying myself sick
• June 20, 2017 ▸ so much laundry · waiting for Hermes · picked up vaccination for the chickens in Halle · Ida has found a new way to escape · argument with M
• June 21, 2017 ▸ vet with Fred again and he's doing so much better · there's always so much on my mind · vaccination has been given to all the chickens · pretty sure that the hatchling is a hen · late night cycling
• June 22, 2017 ▸ 35°C weather · WhatsApp message from A · good conversation with M · swollen and painful feet · re-planting the pumpkin plants
• June 23, 2017 ▸ Outside in the grass with Brunhilde & hatchling · can't get rid of my insecurities & maybe they're here for a reason · watching Dexter · wishing I could get my Instagram account back finally :( · editing my blog
• June 24, 2017 ▸ 7 years since Mom went to heaven · feeling miserable · cut down 4 trees to make room for a new shelter for Licentia and Bella · B kicked me in the leg! :( · knitting
• June 25, 2017 ▸ spent so much time in bed and on the couch today · feel like crying all the time · watching movies · cuddles with the hens · taking photos of Gisela ♡
• June 26, 2017 ▸ half-way done with the new shed · it's getting closer! · perfect weather · stomach pain from drinking too much water :P · Mina visited me inside the house ♡
• June 27, 2017 ▸ Happy birthday, Mom. ♡ · it feels so nice to get some really sweet comments on my blog · sometimes that's all it takes for me to feel a little bit better · missing Reed so much · up far too late
• June 28, 2017 ▸ working with the buzz saw · rain all day long & the horses are hating it · finished editing my blog · drank 2 cups of coffee & I regret it so much!! · new appointment with the farrier for Friday
• June 29, 2017 ▸ spending some quiet time knitting in the early morning · looking forward to tomorrow · got a lot done around the muck-hill today · fixed the chicken coop · Licentia cuddles ♡
• June 30, 2017 ▸ I'll forever miss you, R. · watching Dexter until late at night · farrier appointment with Licentia & Bella & they were both such good girls · long talk with L & J · finished the roof of the new shed

JULY

• July 1, 2017 ▸ still working on the Christmas socks · new yarn came in the mail · still can't believe he is gone · writing to Tanja · rain all day
• July 2, 2017 ▸ picking up a few last things and I'm about to finish the new shed and pasture · built a new gate as well · made a new Instagram account · quality time with Mina ♡ · no sleep
• July 3, 2017 ▸ Licentia & Bella moved into their "new" home · felt sick all morning · migraine · so many doubts in my head · I just want to be happy
• July 4, 2017 ▸ still so many tears right after waking up · on sick leave for the week · I just want to be left alone · vet with Gizmo & Frieda · one doubt after the other
• July 5, 2017 ▸ feeling miserable & I'm in so much pain · missing Reed so much :'( · met M again for the first time in weeks · talking to T over Facebook message · homemade pizza
• July 6, 2017 ▸ huge hay delivery · built Brunhilde & Gisela a new run that they can use for the next 5-6 weeks · early morning appointment in the city · feeling some relief · re-reading through an old diary
• July 7, 2017 ▸ looking for the perfect handcart · worrying myself sick · migraine · was sent home early · the water pump stopped working & needed to get fixed by me
• July 8, 2017 ▸ it' been months since I felt this depressed · PB has removed all of my photos from my blog · boiling eggs for the chickens ♡ · nothing but bills · I can't stop crying
• July 9, 2017 ▸ picking up the handcart · M stopped by · doing the dishes · fixing the blog & Livejournal · talking to Melly for over an hour
• July 10, 2017 ▸ BBQ with family · found some very old things from mom, grandma & pops in the attic · heavy thunderstorm & rain · weird feeling towards dad - we just don't get along lately · sewing until late at night
• July 11, 2017 ▸ tried calling Dr H.· feeling weird still · just realized that my birthday is coming up · fixing my bicycle · Licentia's in a weird mood, too
• July 12, 2017 ▸ early morning with M · actually slept for 2 hours · migraine's coming up · rain all day long · quality time with Bella & Licentia
• July 13, 2017 ▸ another early morning with M · reading through old e-mails from Reed :'( · monthly grocery shopping · organizing the chicken & horse tack corner · built 2 new shelves
• July 14, 2017 ▸ mowing the lawn & the horses are so nosy about it, it was adorable · lots of laundry · cleaning the fridge from top to bottom · horse feed shopping · watching Bella & Licentia from the kitchen window
• July 15, 2017 ▸ 4am mornings · chopping wood · cooking dinner from scratch is the best · working on replacing the bricks for the "new" chicken coop · weeding
• July 16, 2017 ▸ dishes · looking forward to some rain · Bella-training for the first time in almost 2 weeks · moving the horses' hay-rack · early night
• July 17, 2017 ▸ call from WV · new pasture for the horses · the new handcart came · it's family, but it doesn't feel like it · another heatwave is about to hit us
• July 18, 2017 ▸ early morning yet again & I loved it · snapped photos of the chickens and horses for the blog · I actually had an hour to myself this afternoon! · new eczema blanket for Bella · feeling OK for the first time in months
• July 19, 2017 ▸ weird night with a little bit of sleep · making a new friend · does it ever end? I guess not. · Livejournal · one of the worst and scariest thunderstorms with a lot of hail
• July 20, 2017 ▸ too much rain :/ · book mail for me (Cody McFadyen, finally!) · awful pain in my right shoulder & back · WV stopped by & he always makes me feel so worthless · too much crying
• July 21, 2017 ▸ pain in shoulder & back is getting worse · tried calling Dr. H again and nobody picked up · it's my birthday & it's a very lonely and sad one · missing Bailey & Reed so very much - first birthday without them · early night
• July 22, 2017 ▸ once again too much rain · WV was here again - it's rude that he never calls before he stopy by & he's always very rude towards me, too · humidity · migraine all day long - I keep throwing up because of it · feeling very low
• July 23, 2017 ▸ fixing the shed for L & B · quality time with the chickens · snapping selfies with the chickens ♡ · finished knitting another pair of socks · did the dishes all afternoon
• July 24, 2017 ▸ it's been raining ALL DAY LONG - this is too much · the doubts are coming back - all of them! · feeling so low still & I just don't know what to do anymore · lovely message from C · birthday card from Claudia ♡
• July 25, 2017 ▸ it's still raining · playtime in the mud with Licentia & Bella · looking for the right place to get crushed rock · using a new recipe for baking bread · ordered a few new balls of yarn for socks
• July 26, 2017 ▸ woke up to sunshine · still trying to fight this migraine · finally have settled for a date for the planned bulk collection (Aug 14) · cooked up a new recipe for a family dinner · spoke to Jessy on the phone
• July 27, 2017 ▸ finally reached Dr H & made an appointment for Oct 16 @ 8:30am · doing laundry all morning · taking the time to take photos of the garden, plants, chickens & crops · stupid argument with M · Livejournal
• July 28, 2017 ▸ stomach cramps all morning · working through some old novel-notes · another huge hay delivery · watching a couple of episodes of Hannibal · writing Tanja's letter until very late at night
• July 29, 2017 ▸ mowing the lawn everywhere · working to get a new piece of pasture ready for the horses · sitting in the chicken run & reading a book with Wilhelmine snoozing in my lap · gone from Facebook · baking a cake for tomorrow
• July 30, 2017 ▸ quiet morning · it's humid from the rain the night before · more quality time with the chickens · Gisela is growing too fast · belatedly celebrated my birthday with a bunch of special people & cake
• July 31, 2017 ▸ it's official now - I'm on sick leave until the end of October :( · I'm sad that this is happening all over again and I don't know what to do about it · picked up my notes for Dark Was The Night again · sat in the sand next to a drowsing Licentia & cried my eyes out · vet with Gizmo

AUGUST

• Aug 1, 2017 ▸ got hardly any sleep last night · worried about Gizmo & trying to spend every single minute of the day with him · working on Tanja's letter · scything down nettles most of the evening · homemade tortellini for dinner
• Aug 2, 2017 ▸ woke up because of an awful backache · the new mattress came · wrote some more to Tanja (this is becoming a very long letter!) · vet with Giz again - more meds · worked on organizing the horse/chicken corner
• Aug 3, 2017 ▸ mowed the grass at the end of the farmstead & took care of the pumpkin plants · it feels weird to be home a lot · sitting by Bailey's grave for a while and watching the birds sitting in the trees right above it · stung by a mosquito in my face and it hurts · thought of Sabrina & sent her a message on Interpals · reading a book until almost 4 in the morning
• Aug 4, 2017 ▸ quality time with Licentia in the early morning hours · helped M write texts for her business · watching Gisela & Brunhilde having fun chasing flies · finally heard from Marian again · reading in bed which has become a favorite thing to do since the new mattress is so comfortable
• Aug 5, 2017 ▸ had trouble getting out of bed this morning because the nightmare was still lingering in the back of my mind · feeling let down by M & D · finally installed a hitching post for Licentia · spent quite some quality time with her brushing and pampering her afterwards · talking to Mir via Twitter messages ♥
• Aug 6, 2017 ▸ waking up to a beautiful nice breeze & fresh air · looking through photos of Bailey & missing him endlessly · writing to Elizabeth again feels so good · cooked the first stew of the year · sitting in the grass while Bella & Licentia were happily grazing
• Aug 7, 2017 ▸ waking up super early · Frauentausch · free ranging the chickens for hours while the horses are out on the pasture · built a new pen for Brunhilde & Gisela with fresh grass · hurt my arm & I don't know how that happened
• Aug 8, 2017 ▸ no sleep all night · felt like crying almost all day · Happy Birthday in heaven, Grandma - I miss you deeply! · shopping at tedox for new wallpaper · takeaway for dinner
• Aug 9, 2017 ▸ spending too much money these days · reading through an old letter I'd written for Mir in August 2016 · mowing the lawn all around the property · quality time with Bella & Licentia while brushing them · I truly and deeply miss the feeling of certitude to have someone I can talk to about everything and anything at any time
• Aug 10, 2017 ▸ woke up with horrible toothache from grinding my teeth during the night · riding my bicycle to get fresh milk from my favorite farmer · watching the chickens & horses together on the paddock · the last set of wallpaper was delivered today · writing
• Aug 11, 2017 ▸ beautiful mail from Claudia & Mir · making such an effort & it's starting to feel so pointless · rain all day long · going through old letters from Reed ㋡ · feeling very lonely after what M's said to me
• Aug 12, 2017 ▸ 14 years without you - I miss you, Grandma! · my teeth still hurt so bad · far too much rain - we could do with a bit of sunshine · painkillers · veggie burger
• Aug 13, 2017 ▸ talking to C via WhatsApp for the first time in months · writing to Lina · preparing everything for the bulk collection · going outside to get some Licentia cuddles - this was a very special moment · less toothache today
• Aug 14, 2017 ▸ up all night - no sleep for this gal · the toothache is back · finished the book Das kleine Inselhotel · missing Mom and Grandma so much · watched old reruns of Full House & bawled my eyes out
• Aug 15, 2017 ▸ the toothache is so much better today · spent a lot of time in the attic looking through stuff from Mom & Grandma · found very old and lovely looking plates & mugs · knitting a new set of socks · finishing up a letter for Lina
• Aug 16, 2017 ▸ writing to Bridget · homemade vanilla pudding with homegrown rhubarb · spinning yarn like a crazy wool lady · bookmail (Heidi & another edition of Anne Of Green Gables) · picking 5kg of raspberries
• Aug 17, 2017 ▸ updating my Livejournal · this house has become so quiet and lonely with just me & the animals here · watching old episodes of The Middle · started weeding the driveway · spinning some more
• Aug 18, 2017 ▸ having to fix the washing machine first thing in the morning · grocery shopping for the upcoming 2½ weeks · harvesting the last bunch of strawberries · my sleep shedule is off the hook & makes me feel so bad · washing the rugs for the horses all evening
• Aug 19, 2017 ▸ finished the letter for Bridget · reading on and off all day long · watching a few episodes of Slasher at night · cuddling with the chickens · freshly baked bread rolls with honey are my new obsession
• Aug 20, 2017 ▸ went right back to bed after taking care of the chickens and horses to read some more · I can't stop shaking & I think it's my nerves · weeding the driveway and it looks so nice again · rereading the letter from Jonna ♡ · taking my bicycle for a short ride at midnight, trying to escape my thoughts and worries
• Aug 21, 2017 ▸ started to renovate the livingroom, kitchen & hall · Bella's got a light fits of laminitis & the vet came right away - ugh :( · finished the renovations in the kitchen · made lots of phone calls · more weeding
• Aug 22, 2017 ▸ Bella's doing a tiny bit better today - thank heavens · such a great mailday for me - 3 lovely letters! · stomach cramps · Licentia was so cuddly all day · beautiful weather
• Aug 23, 2017 ▸ weeding all the flower beds & the path around the house · Bella's still doing good · made a new wooden sign for the driveway · so many thoughts · Slasher season finale
• Aug 24, 2017 ▸ appointment with the farrier for Licentia in the early morning hours · finally added the new wallpaper to my bedroom wall · reorganizing my entire bedroom & it feels so strange now · made waffles for the best helpers · feeling nervous about tomorrow
• Aug 25, 2017 ▸ throwing away all the remaining photos of N · it feels so good to get rid of his stuff · framing new photos of Licentia · washing some of Bailey's old toys & adding them to his memorial box · vet with Gizmo & they found a huge tumor on his liver :'(
• Aug 26, 2017 ▸ no sleep at all for me · harvesting so many tomatoes · crying on and off all day long · harvest season has officially begun · raking the leaves from the driveway again
• Aug 27, 2017 ▸ today marks the first death anniversary of Bailey's passing · I miss you · giving Licentia a shower & pedicure ♡ · sitting inside the chicken pen while some of them nap on the bench next to me · reading through one of my old diaries from 2007
• Aug 28, 2017 ▸ working on fixing some of the raft foundations · reading into wheatgrass & antioxidants · drawing the layout for a new shed for Licentia & Bella · J makes me so fucking angry with her willful ignorance · doing laundry until midnight
• Aug 29, 2017 ▸ reading a chapter before getting out of bed · more laundry · turning hay · M stopped by & we got into an argument which hurt me a lot · bathing Bella & she enjoyed it a lot · her badages came off today, too!
• Aug 30, 2017 ▸ Sommerhaus · baking bread · collecting leaves on my driveway · diary · lunging Licentia
• Aug 31, 2017 ▸ the farrier stopped by again for Bella now that her bandages came off · still decluttering the bedroom & throwing away more photos of N · noticed that Bella is foundering again & I'm afraid it's still laminitis · making an appointment with the vet for tomorrow

SEPTEMBER (finally!)

• Sept 1, 2017 ▸ cycling to my favorite farmer to get milk & potatoes · vet came to treat Bella's laminitis (the bandages are back on & she's got stronger meds) · painful backache · sweeping the driveway · took Licentia for a walk & we collected leaves on our way home
• Sept 2, 2017 ▸ doing some liberty training with Licentia for the first time in weeks · feeling so low · worried about B · writing in my diary · scything down more nettles
• Sept 3, 2017 ▸ turning hay · pasture time with Licentia · sleepy Bella · my life is all about the farm animals · weird and scary noises coming from the woods
• Sept 4, 2017 ▸ the wood for the new stable was delivered today · made a new appointment for Sept 14th with Mr B · giving my future a lot of thought · take away for dinner · spinning yarn
• Sept 5, 2017 ▸ started building the new shed/barn · made chocolate cake · felt sick all day · reading to Gizmo · harvesting more tomatoes
• Sept 6, 2017 ▸ working on the barn all day long · Licentia and Bella snoozing in the sun while we all run around and work · doing laundry real quick · Sommerhaus · headache from not drinking enough during the day
• Sept 7, 2017 ▸ vet stopped by for Bella & she's doing better · x-rays · I want to sleep all day · cloudy thoughts · spinning yarn
• Sept 8, 2017 ▸ too many mosquito bites · drinking all by myself - it's been years · too many cloudy thoughts · eMail from Debby and it broke my heart · missing Reed so much
• Sept 9, 2017 ▸ it rained all day long - I can't stand it anymore · cleaning up the tack room · never thought I'd say this but I don't want summer to be over yet · lit the fireplace because it's so chilly · homemade stew for dinner & it was so cozy
• Sept 10, 2017 ▸ harvesting & preserving lots and lots of carrots · it's that time of the year again · having to wait for dry days to be able to finally thresh the straw · put on my autumn playlist · went for a long walk & collected a few more leaves
• Sept 11, 2017 ▸ 16 years since 9/11 & we lost our family friend Simon · knitting while watching a few old movies · grocery shopping · trying to call Mr B · diary notes
• Sept 12, 2017 ▸ 3am bicycle ride · awful backache all day long · sitting in the grass while Licentia is grazing the afternoon away · stopping by Mr G's farm to pay for the wood chips beforehand · homemade pasta
• Sept 13, 2017 ▸ wishing I could pick up work again · the wood chips were delivered in the early morning hours · the horses are finally mud-free thanks to the wood chips · feeling a little bit better · Dad & M stopped by to check out the new paddock
• Sept 14, 2017 ▸ more rain but I don't mind so much anymore · going for another long walk · coming home to a house smelling like a lit fireplace & simmering stew on the oven · Licentia's had a mild colic · falling asleep in Reed's shirt
• Sept 15, 2017 ▸ B asked me to join a "widow club" & even though Reed & I were never married, it feels good to talk to these people · missing him awfully much · made a big pot of tea & watched Outcast all afternoon · spending quality time with the horses & chickens and it does wonders · cycling to Farmer S to get milk & cheese
• Sept 16, 2017 ▸ spent 2 hours brushing & grooming Bella, because she's shedding like mad · beautiful sunny weather · Bella is losing more weight, yay! · watching Outcast · take away for dinner
• Sept 17, 2017 ▸ finished knitting another pair of socks · my nose hurts · drinking so much tea all day long · sunny yet chilly · American Horror Story Season 7, yikes! :O
• Sept 18, 2017 ▸ Gizmo is getting so skinny · emotionally so very drained that I cried all day · more tea · my nose still hurts so much - I need to stop crying · nosebleed
• Sept 19, 2017 ▸ spent the morning with Licentia · had to lay down for a nap around noon because of dizziness · finally ordered new stable shoes · had a very good and long conversation with M · coming home to drink tea after taking a long walk in the dizzling rain
• Sept 20, 2017 ▸ out for an early morning walk at 7am · messages from Liz & Marian · cuddling with Gizmo all morning · is this what hope feels like? · awful nosebleed
• Sept 21, 2017 ▸ laundry · feeling very lonely · sweet message from Mir on Twitter & Listography · writing to K on Interpals · audiobooks
• Sept 22, 2017 ▸ finally Friday! · now Fred is sick, too. :( · taking care of Bailey's grave · harvesting potatoes, tomatoes & carrots · writing to Jonna
• Sept 23, 2017 ▸ cramps · M stopped by & we got into an argument · taking care of Bella & Licentia all afternoon · cleaning out the chicken coop & preparing it for the colder days · early night
• Sept 24, 2017 ▸ when will these doubts stop? · going on a long afternoon walk by myself · worried about Gizmo · doing a lot of laundry · no more small hay bales - Licentia's gonna be so sad
• Sept 25, 2017 ▸ Mondays are always the worst · seeing how life goes on for them & I feel like I'm still stuck in the same place · no sleep at all for me last night & I'm so tired · take away for dinner because I didn't feel like cooking · went to bed at 10pm
• Sept 26, 2017 ▸ talking to Mir is always my fave part of any day · what kind of games is she playing with me? · the mist is so beautiful & I can't get enough of it · hot cocoa · The Strain :(
• Sept 27, 2017 ▸ finally decluttered my desk · finding old photos · it's time I start to declutter the whole house - one room after the other · homemade pasta for dinner · watching Fear The Walking Dead & no matter what she does I just can not stand Madison, they're just trying too hard to make her the "new" Rick Grimes
• Sept 28, 2017 ▸ spending quality time with Wilhelmine while I clean up the horses' paddock · liberty training with Licentia and Bella & they are doing so good · Gizmo tripped and fell and that worried me so much :( · silent tears when I was finally alone · sleepless night again
• Sept 29, 2017 ▸ the carrots were delivered for all the horses today · a new horse arrived today as well · made a new friend on IP · finished writing another letter · late night walk all by myself
• Sept 30, 2017 ▸ woke up feeling so bad due to a migraine & spent the morning throwing up :/ · it was raining all day long · cleaned up the horse tack corner · continued decluttering the craft room/office · Pizza delivery to my house

OCTOBER

• Oct 1, 2017 ▸ harvest festival all day long · so many people came & visited · perfect autumn weather · so exhausted by 7pm · collected chestnuts
• Oct 2, 2017 ▸ placed an add that I'm looking for help on the homestead · picking the rest of the raspberries · she makes no effort at all! · paper work since it's a new month · bought new sleeping pills - I hope these will do the trick
• Oct 3, 2017 ▸ German Unity Day · I think I've settled on Miscanthus pellets · slow day · the pressure is so high · anxiety attack & tense feeling in my back again
• Oct 4, 2017 ▸ took 1 1/2 sleeping pills last night & I finally slept for 3 hours! · wrapped up a lot of mail & letters · back is still aching and all tensed up · Licentia's got a swollen eye & I don't know why :( · I knew this would happen someday...
• Oct 5, 2017 ▸ Licentia's eye is getting better · hay delivery · I need so much tea to calm my nerves these days · I was asked to start writing blog posts about grieving - okay?! · cuddling Wilhelmine
• Oct 6, 2017 ▸ made appointments for Sand delivery on Monday & straw delivery on the 28th · Livejournal update · a package was returned to my house - UGH!! · watching 13 Reasons Why · writing to Carolin all evening
• Oct 7, 2017 ▸ all this rain is making me feel even more depressed · watching more of 13 Reasons Why · started to clean up & declutter the living room · Matschbrötchen · worried about Licentia
• Oct 8, 2017 ▸ picked up working on the new shed · laundry · Wilhelmine is sick & is staying inside with me until she's better · doing the dishes · cleaning up the hall & stairs · finally some sunshine again!
• Oct 9, 2017 ▸ chimney sweeper · overwhelmed · huge sand delivery (he was such a jerk!!) · Licentia is doing better & so is Bella · I'm slowly breaking apart
• Oct 10, 2017 ▸ writing Claudia's letter · Wilhelmine is gaining weight! · my appointment on the 16th can not come soon enough · crying on and off all day long · feeling so lonely
• Oct 11, 2017 ▸ going through super old letters from 2002 from Stephanie · found old photos from my first trip to the US · awful breakdown with so many tears · life can not go on like this · I miss the person I used to be
• Oct 12, 2017 ▸ still not feeling too good · halfway finished with the shed · nightmares · new pack of sleeping pills · finished watching the first season of This Is Us
• Oct 13, 2017 ▸ feeling a little bit better · received a note from M · spending time with Licentia, Bella & the chickens enjoying the sunshine · counting the minutes until Monday · bought a new dishwasher & it'll be delivered tomorrow morning
• Oct 14, 2017 ▸ spent the entire day working around the homestead - mostly moving the sand to the horses' paddock · installed the dishwasher · got WhatsApp to work again on my phone · watching 13 Reasons Why · missing the call from the vet
• Oct 15, 2017 ▸ doing a lot of laundry · the chickens love spending time on the horses' paddock & Licentia loves the chickens a lot · wrote into my diary · baked a new kind of bread · in bed by midnight
• Oct 16, 2017 ▸ woke up at 3am because I heard someone running around the house - SCARY! · appointment with a new psychiatrist in the early am · vet's coming for a check up on Bella again · lots of phone calls · it was an awful evening with me crying almost all the time, this day was just so overwhelming
• Oct 17, 2017 ▸ feeding the horses a different hay & they love it · texting A and there's no answer - guess she's mad · outgoing letters for Carolin & Claudia · Wilhelmine loves Licentia! · new kind of sleeping pills
• Oct 18, 2017 ▸ diary · I love my old wallet so much better · TRYING to make a new farrier appointment · feeling anxious about tomorrow · new anti depressants
• Oct 19, 2017 ▸ another appointment in the city · the "dentist" for the horses came - & Licentia did SO, SO well. I'm so freaking proud of her! · beautiful sunshine · take away for dinner · bed early
• Oct 20, 2017 ▸ up super early so I can clean up the garage · the new AD seems to help · farrier appointment for the horses & Bella needs no horseshoes - YAY! · power bill · rain
• Oct 21, 2017 ▸ slow morning · finished a letter for Yuri · rainy days are upon us · working on the shed · watching a few Halloween movies
• Oct 22, 2017 ▸ autumn scented candles · Knallerfrauen · preparing stuff for tomorrow · re-wrote a letter for Liz all afternoon · Evil Dead
• Oct 23, 2017 ▸ early appointment with psychiatrist · riding the bus home afterwards was nice · got lots of laundry done · Bella's without her eczema rug - YAY! · it's been raining since Friday & we're still pretty much mud-free!
• Oct 24, 2017 ▸ placed another ad that I'm looking for help on the homestead · if the temperature stays up like this I won't have to close pastures for horses yet · The Darkness · cleaning kitchen & livingroom · got 3 calls for the job already
• Oct 25, 2017 ▸ had the first applicant on the homestead already & she seems very nice & she cares for animals as much as I do - but we'll see about the other 2 · ordered a new moleskine 2 weeks ago & it's still not here · vet with Giz for his ears · homemade pizza for dinner · the whole house smells like apples & cinnamon ♡
• Oct 26, 2017 ▸ the sunshine feels so good · almost caught up with all the laundry · pasture time with the horses & Gizmo joined us as well - so glad he is doing better today · took new autumnal photos of the horses · today was a really, really good day
• Oct 27, 2017 ▸ accidently overslept - oops · the chickens are all moulting and I find feathers absolutely everywhere · went for a walk with the horses through the woods · chicken coop is all clean & cozy again · it was another really good day ♡
• Oct 28, 2017 ▸ picked up the washed-out concrete · harvested the rest of the tomatoes & canned them · started to weed the rest of the veggie beds · looked for Wilhelmine for almost an hour & thought she was gone - found her in the garage · stormy night
• Oct 29, 2017 ▸ last night's storm was awful! One tree is down, ugh! I'm so glad that none of the horses or chickens were on that part of the pasture · Daylight Saving ends - finally! · there are some strange noises coming from the attic - have I been watching too many horror movies lately? EEEEK! · harvesting leek & kale · writing into my new moleskine
• Oct 30, 2017 ▸ hay delivery · spoke to J for the first time since July & it felt so weird · cleaning up around the farm all afternoon · took the horses for another beautiful autumnal walk through the woods · texted L & feel weird about it now
• Oct 31, 2017 ▸ holiday! · forgot to take my medicine · watching Insidious 1 & 2 · finally Halloween - I love this! · started to cut back trees & bushes

NOVEMBER

• Nov 1, 2017 ▸ All Saint's Day · feeling bad all day · argued with M · money problems · the horses broke part of the fence and I have no idea HOW they did that
• Nov 2, 2017 ▸ nightmare about mom - missing her so much now and I can't stop crying · went to bed far too late, too · L's been giving me the feeling that she doesn't want to keep in touch with me anymore, so I'm giving up, I've done so much for this friendship and I'm tired of fighting for nothing · J's been pissing me off with her selfish behaviour · fixed the fence all afternoon & it's looking all neat again
• Nov 3, 2017 ▸ started to cut down the tree that broke from last week's storm · W stopped by to ask for manure from the horses, I'm always happy to help - he also asked if I need help with the tree · beautiful letter from Mir ❤ Happy Birthday again, dear! (in case you're reading this) · starting to care less about what people could think of me and what I do and how I do it · spent quality time with Licentia and Bella brushing and cleaning them - they're both so sweet and relaxed when I do this and I'm so proud of how far we have come
• Nov 4, 2017 ▸ cut back more trees and bushes on the horse's pasture · took Bella into the woods and snapped new photos of her - she's so adorable and she loves spending time with me · A & G stopped by but didn't get out of their car - weird · thinking about moving part of the fence of the paddock so that it gets even bigger & right through the woods · went for a walk with Gizmo in the dusk to close all the gates at the end of the farm & he loved rustling through the leaves - I'm so thankful that he is doing so well.
• Nov 5, 2017 ▸ slept in too late · migraine · sorting through stuff on the attic · today someone fell off Licentia for the very first time ever · long talk with M about everything and nothing
• Nov 6, 2017 ▸ we're getting the first frost tonight - time to bust out extra straw for the chickens, geese & horses · had a miserable night with no sleep · thinking about cancelling Wednesday's appointment even though I KNOW it would be a huge step backwards · Wilhemine is still living with me inside the house - she's so adorable the way she runs through the house & I hear her little feet stomping on the woodfloors · finally got the new meds at the pharmacy
• Nov 7, 2017 ▸ very chilly morning with a lot of sunshine - it's my favorite · Marie pisses me off a lot with her arrogance towards me · Licentia was alone on the pasture again - so proud! · the negative thoughts are getting louder again · my to-do list keeps getting longer and puts so much pressure on me
• Nov 8, 2017 ▸ early morning appointment with the psychiatrist - new sleeping meds · sand delivery to the farm for the shed · worked all afternoon to move the sand into the shed and the horses are loving it · put Licentia on the pasture all by herself for almost 2 hours and she did so well - no panic · taking Bella for daily walks now
• Nov 9, 2017 ▸ on the verge of wanting to cry all the time · Gisela & Brunhile moved from their own coop into the big chicken coop and live with the other chickens now - it's going quite well & they're free ranging like the rest of them all day as well · worked on fixing some things around the paddock fence & had to replace 3 posts & the electricity is working again as well so it should be fine now · a friendly farmer "neighbor" delivered 15 straw bales for free, which was SO nice & I invited him inside for coffee and waffles · Licentia spent 2 1/2 hours alone on the pasture while I was cleaning up the chicken coop, put on a load of laundry, took a break & fixed dinner for the animals - I'm SO proud of Licentia for being so grown up and brave, this is a huge thing for us
• Nov 10, 2017 ▸ very stormy & drizzly day · Licentia didn't want to be alone during the storm so no pasture for her today · did groundwork with Bella today (double lungeing) & she did so well considering it was her first time · cleaned up the hayloft to make room for more straw bales · taking a small break to drink tea and enjoy some downtime
• Nov 11, 2017 ▸ my face is in so much pain & I have no idea why · blister · texts from Marie · very stormy · had to lay down until 3:30pm
• Nov 12, 2017 ▸ put the concrete into the shed · I don't feel ready for the holiday season at all · the sleeping meds don't work so well · Dad's birthday is coming up · feeling awful
• Nov 13, 2017 ▸ cleaned up the entire homestead · taking Bella for a walk · fixed the gate to the meadow · looked at car lights with Licentia in the dark · picking up meds at the pharmacy
• Nov 14, 2017 ▸ went for a run for the first time in years and it felt so good - I should keep this up! · another new sleeping pill · keeping up Bella's training and she keeps gaining muscles · cleaned up the garage · collected some very pretty leaves for my diary
• Nov 15, 2017 ▸ letter from Kerstin · Licentia was able to spend an hour all by herself on the meadow - so proud of her · baked a new bread · placing some horse manure onto the veggie beds · it's been so long since I last wrote a letter
• Nov 16, 2017 ▸ Dad's birthday - stopped by to drop off the cake and stayed for a while · I felt like crying the whole time as I was driving home · took Licentia and Bella for a walk/run afterwards to let off some steam and the sadness · spent quality time with Wilhemine in the family room in the evening - I enjoy her company inside the house so much :) · writing into my diary has become a nightly routine
• Nov 17, 2017 ▸ went for another really lovely walk through the woods - it's the highlight of my days lately · beautiful autumnal weather · cleaned Wilhemine's bed · vacuumed the whole house · sitting by the woodstove to read
• Nov 18, 2017 ▸ did laundry & changed the sheets · awfully rainy day · cloudy thoughts are coming back · had to cancel all appointments due to the heavy rain · woke up 8-9 times during the night
• Nov 19, 2017 ▸ all this rain is making me even more depressed · unable to get rid of the negative thoughts · my tooth hurts · I feel like a panic attack is coming up · talking to her has triggered a lot and I feel like such a failure
• Nov 20, 2017 ▸ cramping so, so bad - I hope magnesia will help · no appetite whatsoever - haven't eaten all day because the smell of (any) food sickens me · swollen gum is not so swollen anymore · hopefully I can make a dentist appointment soon · my kidneys hurt SO much which made me realize that I haven't been drinking enough lately
• Nov 21, 2017 ▸ feeling worse and worse each day · the rain just won't stop · I feel like I am the worst person in the world · spoke to M for a while · still wasn't able to eat anything else but a hard candy
• Nov 22, 2017 ▸ hay delivery · spoke to M about feeling like a burden to the world · watched Silent Hill for the first time in over 10 years · took Bella & Licentia for a run - I get such weird looks from people when they realize I take my horses for a run/jog instead of riding ON them but I don't careeee. :P · migraine
• Nov 23, 2017 ▸ cancelled today's appointment with Mr B · had to lay down again until noon afterwards · despite the storm I went for another walk with the horses · lunged Bella and she did so well - she's making great progress · had to write my first dunning for a client and am not feeling happy about it
• Nov 24, 2017 ▸ went for one of the greatest walks with the horses and even took the road back home which was a first time for us - but they behaved so well and the cars didn't scare them one bit · finally the weekend - no appointments or classes & I will enjoy this as much as I can · cramping so bad still - this freaking hurts and I hate being a girl! · Licentia's hooves look perfect even though it's been 4 weeks since the last farrier appointment already · at the end of each day I can't help but feel lonely - I miss Reed SO much
• Nov 25, 2017 ▸ awful cramps and I just won't stop bleeding :/ (TMI, I know but omg) · quit the sleeping meds · ran into Mrs MS today - felt so weird · I need to start looking after myself again · been thinking a lot about Mom this week
• Nov 26, 2017 ▸ the cramps are still so bad · I need a hot water bottle all day long · put together a new kind of tea · cleaned the bathroom · snow is coming!
• Nov 27, 2017 ▸ finally catching up with The Walking Dead - I just love this! · spent some time with the sewing machine · reading more often again · these chickens mean the world to me - they always make me smile · enjoying tea & chocolate while reading