• Jan 1, 2016 · new year · spent the night in Licentia's box · sore throat · frost · reading
• Jan 2, 2016 · feeling sick · high temperature · DSDS & thinking WHY?! · throwing up · tea
• Jan 3, 2016 · high fever · caught a cold · bedrest · spent most of the day sleeping · headache
• Jan 4, 2016 · still not feeling better · making plans for the garden · money issue · argument with D · editing friends list on Facebook
• Jan 5, 2016 feeling slightly better · The Simpsons marathon on TV · drinking so much tea · insecurities · series finale of The Following
• Jan 6, 2016 · American Horror Story Hotel · take away · looking forward to spring · just want to be alone · there's so much I'd like to change
• Jan 7, 2016 · worried about Lilly · my heart melted seeing Licentia so happy · quality time with Bailey · laundry · writing to Sabrina still
• Jan 8, 2016 · Bailey's been so so cuddly ❤ · took new photos of Licentia · another argument with D · found a new rain blanket for Licentia · starting to feel much better
• Jan 9, 2016 · working on the chicken coop all morning · Forsthaus Falkenau · so proud of Licentia · money's going to be so tight this month · cooked stew after granny's family recipe
• Jan 10, 2016 · such a beautiful sunny day · worried about Wilma · awful cough · my nose hurts, ouch. · sleepless
• Jan 11, 2016 · RIP Wilma :'( · such a heavy heart · just want to be alone · cuddles with the chickens · tears
• Jan 12, 2016 · so many negative thoughts · going through old WhatsApp messages · disappointment · reading · up late
• Jan 13, 2016 · endlessly proud of Licentia · had such a wonderful afternoon · forgot about my troubles for a while · banana · evening on the couch
• Jan 14, 2016 · so freaking mad at that ebay seller · instagram · right thumb hurts like mad · message from Alicia · slowly getting tired of all the rain
• Jan 15, 2016 · tied Licentia to a new spot to be able to clean her & it worked just fine - so proud! · washing her with the fungal stuff · grocery shopping with Dad & M · Raiffeisen in Verl · relaxing evening
• Jan 16, 2016 · terrible start to my day · water pump · late to work · feeling so bad about what A said to me · coughing my lungs out
• Jan 17, 2016 · family brunch for the first time in a while · quality time with the chickens · snapped adorable photos of everyone · winter wonderland · working on Sabrina's letter
• Jan 18, 2016 · maniac · migraine · -13°C · sitting by the fireplace all evening · The Big Bang Theory marathon
• Jan 19, 2016 · waiting for a call from the vet · so mad · leaving work early · knitting · going for a long walk through the snow with Licentia & Lilly
• Jan 20, 2016 · the vet's finally here! · I got the horsepass!!!!!! · omg :D · writing to Sabrina until late at night · fireplace
• Jan 21, 2016 · visiting AM · appointment with the blacksmith · poor Licentia hit her head · afternoon at home - no work · long message for Claudia
• Jan 22, 2016 · so cold · more snow · chocolate · still writing · late night
• Jan 23, 2016 · even earlier morning · Bailey cuddles · extremely slippery!! · worried · I hate these negative thoughts
• Jan 24, 2016 · working hard with Licentia · feeling sick to my stomach all day & no idea why · the snow is melting · movie night · quality time with Melly
• Jan 25, 2016 · hard work with Licentia & I'm so proud of her · more negative thoughts · feeling so helpless · worried about the future · Big Bang Theory marathon
• Jan 26, 2016 · lounging Licentia & she's doing so, so well · stomach pains · annoyed by L · I hate when someone is trying to tell me what to do · going to bed early
• Jan 27, 2016 · it feels like spring · playtime with Licentia · cleaning the chicken barn & spending quality time with them · plans for the new guinea pig outdoor playground · quality time with Melly
• Jan 28, 2016 · early morning with the horses · depression is creeping up on me again · missing Liz & Mir · cappuccino · cavaletti practice with Licentia
• Jan 29, 2016 · American Horror Story · feeling sick all evening · cuddling with Bailey · up late · grocery shopping
• Jan 30, 2016 · cleaning the kitchen · feeling sad · it rained all day long · finishing my letter for Sabrina · wanting to be alone all the time
• Jan 31, 2016 · foot hurts so badly · moving chicken run · extra cuddles with Bailey · rereading all of the letters I've gotten from Sabrina so far · wrapping up a long & chatty letter for her
• Feb 1, 2016 · can barely walk · food shopping for the animals · baking bread · soaked thanks to all the rain · re-arranging the barn floor and moving the feeding troughs around
• Feb 2, 2016 · fixed the water troughs for the horses - girl power!! · Happy 7th Birthday, Licentia · Two & A Half Men marathon · getting copies of photos for Sabrina · baking more bread
• Feb 3, 2016 · finally some sunshine · orders are finally coming in · selling eggs :D · put the saddle on Licentia for the first time · working outside until sundown
• Feb 4, 2016 · cried my heart out in the early morning · honesty · talking to M helped a lot · back to rain all day long · looking through old photos and crying even harder
• Feb 5, 2016 · so worried · too many thoughts & worries about the future · a sweet letter from Kiki · anxious · mailing out photos to Sabrina
• Feb 6, 2016 · so annoyed by L · training · long talk with M · can't ignore my gut feeling any longer · take away
• Feb 7, 2016 · huge argument with Melly · cleaning the coop & building the chickens a sand bath · writing to Lina · chocolate · talking to R via Skype
• Feb 8, 2016 · worst melt down in years · it was just a very, very bad day · disappointed in GN · worried about Licentia · power's gone off because of the storm
• Feb 9, 2016 · tears · nightmares · baking cinnamon rolls · hurtful words from D · I guess I deserve this..
• Feb 10, 2016 · writing · candle light · I want to give up · giving Bailey's fur a trim · reading in bed until past midnight
• Feb 11, 2016 · talking to DM for a while · selling more eggs · sunshine · I just don't get along with D anymore · watching Crimson Peak
• Feb 12, 2016 · tired of always waiting · he lied right into my face · Licentia cuddles · sunshine is good for my soul these days · spending a lot (& I mean A LOT) of time by myself
• Feb 13, 2016 · knitting · cleaning up the pantry · water pump problems · frost · cuddling with Bailey & Gizmo
• Feb 14, 2016 · 2 years since you left & I miss you a lot · family brunch · disaster · so much anger in my heart · crying a lot
• Feb 15, 2016 · finally watching The Walking Dead again · postponing the appointment with the chimney sweeper · so annoyed · Licentia is nuts (in a negative way!) · writing to Nicki
• Feb 16, 2016 · I get the feeling that she's mad at me · nervous around Licentia now · I hate when this happens · so many insecurities · broken hook
• Feb 17, 2016 · laundry · fixing the water basin · cleaning the coop · frozen water bowls · knitting until late at night
• Feb 18, 2016 · cleaning the barn floor AGAIN · feeling unwell · early morning rain showers · snowdrops all over the homestead · rice pudding
• Feb 19, 2016 · sore wrist · so many candles · writing to Nicki · worried about Liz · nice visit from M
• Feb 20, 2016 · the wrist hurts so much · tried to knit and regreted it right away · Bailey's been acting so differently · homemade pizza · fed up with L & her behaviour
• Feb 21, 2016 · finally had the balls to speak up to L · lovely afternoon with M&M · writing to Kiki all evening · huge storm · odd feeling about tomorrow morning
• Feb 22, 2016 · awful · anxious · cleaning bathroom · work until late · migraine attack
• Feb 23, 2016 · paper work · baking · migraine · mailed out letter for Nicole · early night
• Feb 24, 2016 · talking to R for hours · feeling unwanted · so many negative thoughts · feeling used · laundry
• Feb 25, 2016 · feel like re-reading the Hanni & Nanni books all over again · Frauentausch · nervous · lonely · writing
• Feb 26, 2016 · weekend · anxious about Monday · cleaning · training with Licentia · so annoyed by C
• Feb 27, 2016 · training with Licentia · alone time · preparing stuff for the garden · snow · stomach pains
• Feb 28, 2016 · Zodiac movie · feeling so out of the loop · taking Licentia and the dogs for a walk · too many worries · feeling so sick about tomorrow
• Feb 29, 2016 · court hearing · so freaking anxious · it went SO much better than expected · feeling so releaved now · happiness
• Mar 1, 2016 · sunshine · reading again for the first time in a long while · argument with D · missing Liz · enjoying the sunshine together with the chickens
• Mar 2, 2016 · listening to the radio while doing work around the barn · laundry · time to start planning the new gardening year · feeling much better · late night talk with R
• Mar 3, 2016 · catching up on emails · wondering what is going on with Liz · Frauentausch · reading a chicken book · music is still so important
• Mar 4, 2016 · awful news · too many tears have been shed · I'll be fine, I'll keep fighting · meeting M · writing resumes and job applications
• Mar 5, 2016 · pain in my left foot · can not wait for my next pay check · nightmare · writing · headache
• Mar 6, 2016 · early morning writing · Licentia looks so pretty under the saddle · chicken quality time · Sunday's have become my favorite days again · family time
• Mar 7, 2016 · Bailey cuddles · back to craziness · candles · pain in foot is getting worse · Instagram
• Mar 8, 2016 · groceries · workworkwork · Two And A Half Men marathon · spending the evening with Licentia · homemade pizza
• Mar 9, 2016 · taking the day off · spending time in Licentia's box reading · laundry · selling so many eggs that I have none left · I miss the feeling of having a friend by my side
• Mar 10, 2016 · stupid argument with M · crying · migraine · chocolate · writing more applications
• Mar 11, 2016 · Happy Birthday, Liz · missing her so much · weekend · movie night · changing bed sheets
• Mar 12, 2016 · feeling so bad about it · writing · movie night with M · sometimes I just need to shut the hell up · trying to make plans with R
• Mar 13, 2016 · am I losing my best friend here? · this doesn't feel right · depression is putting its sharp nails into my head again · sometimes love just ain't enough · alone
• Mar 14, 2016 · Happy Birthday, Mel · chicken food shopping · baking cake · homemade pasta · quality time
• Mar 15, 2016 · I'm afraid we're drifting apart · writing to Kiki · Die Welle · I can't trust my heart lately · he ignored it
• Mar 16, 2016 · taking the fall · meeting M · laundry · April can't come soon enough · email for R
• Mar 17, 2016 · St Patrick's Day · blacksmith came for Licentia and I am SO, SO, SO proud of her! · so much work around the homestead · how am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life · don't know where to turn to sometimes
• Mar 18, 2016 · working on the novel for a bit · workworkwork · I'll be okay · Pinterest · went to bed at 8pm
• Mar 19, 2016 · training with Licentia · she HATES the reins · feeling unhappy about it this time · talking to Manu's helped · another early night
• Mar 20, 2016 · in Mastholte almost all day · meeting D at the stable later · resting for the rest of the day · reading · hot chocolate
• Mar 21, 2016 · off for the next 2 weeks · call from R · tearing up on and off all day · hiding in the chicken coop just to get some alone time · taking Licentia for a walk
• Mar 22, 2016 · Brussels :( · what is this world coming to? · such a sad day · migraine · cookies
• Mar 23, 2016 · laundry · meeting M to prepare stuff for the weekend · email from R · this hurts · this needs to stop
• Mar 24, 2016 · crying almost all day long · loneliness · quality time with Licentia · rainy night · feeling sick to my stomach
• Mar 25, 2016 · he seems to be just fine with breaking my heart · diary · I'm so done this time · the back pain is back and worse than ever · Good Friday
• Mar 26, 2016 · almost finished with the bathroom renovations · can barely walk because of my back · Spotify all evening · hot water bottle · movie night all by myself
• Mar 27, 2016 · Happy Easter · woke up far too late this morning · writing · spending more time with Licentia · sunshine
• Mar 28, 2016 · sore wrist again · heavy rainfall · D visited · sowed veggies · awful nightmare
• Mar 29, 2016 · wrist hurts so bad · cleaned up the backyard · missing her · heavy rainfall · chocolate milk
• Mar 30, 2016 · migraine · quiet morning at the stable · not in the mood to talk to anyone · watching 2 horror movies in 1 day · final paycheck
• Mar 31, 2016 · quiet morning · picking up the new chickens · lunging · chilly evening · mowing the lawn

_________________________________________________________

• Aug 1, 2016 · worried about Liz · The Big Bang Theory marathon · working early · taking Licentia for a walk · rain
• Aug 2, 2016 · annoyed by them · drawing a new stable plan · vanilla scented candle · so much rain · quality time with Licentia
• Aug 3, 2016 · long talk with Reed · movie night · ice cream · talking to L · Bailey cuddles
• Aug 4, 2016 · pain in my left foot · backache all day · migraine · today blows · reading
• Aug 5, 2016 · Fred is sick :( · L's gone · spending quality time with the dogs & Licentia to be able to take my mind off things · bloody feet · reading until late at night
• Aug 6, 2016 · writing to Mir · started another letter for Liz · more trips to the vet with Fred · chatting to Carina all morning · meeting Eva
• Aug 7, 2016 · family time · writing to Mir all afternoon · meeting M & F at the stable · Licentia's been spending the nights outside with Lilly and I'm loving it as much as she does · Dexter marathon
• Aug 8, 2017 · Happy Birthday, Grandma · so restless · taking Fred to the vet again · worried because he's not getting better · feeling so helpless
• Aug 9, 2016 · great news about Liz & her grandpa · I'll never understand why sickness excists · Fred is slightly better but still not outta the woods · my fur family means the world to me · rain
• Aug 10, 2016 · taking Fred to the clinic because he's still sick · so proud of Licentia because of today · did a lot of pole exercise with her · still so annoyed by them & I almost let them ruin my day · 8°C night :)
• Aug 11, 2016 · awful day · at least Fred is home again · painful message from Mi. · today I realized I just don't want anything to do with them anymore · so many cloudy thoughts
• Aug 12, 2016 · 13 years. RIP. :( · farrier appointment with Licentia & she did SO well - I'm so, so proud of my girl! · letter from insurance - finally · vet with Sprotte
• Aug 13, 2016 · going for a long walk · nature is what keeps me sane these days · nice breeze · writing to Mir · lots of laundry to do
• Aug 14, 2016 · meeting Marie for some more jumping exercises · such an amazing quality time with Licentia · I'll never get tired of this · giving them the cold shoulder treatment · "nothing has changed but nothing is the same anymore"
• Aug 15, 2016 · gave Bailey a bath & he even enjoyed it! · phone call from Reed · vet clinic with the sick fur babies · broke down in tears while out with Licentia · early night
• Aug 16, 2016 · tired all day long · Bailey had a seizure · talked to Lena & it was fun · Licentia's been spending 24 hours outside for the past 1 1/2 weeks · late summer evenings with good people
• Aug 17, 2016 · early morning nap · weird mood · going for a great walk with Licentia and Lilly · overcoming fears · depressing thoughts late at night & feeling lonely
• Aug 18, 2016 · giving Licentia a bath · brushing Bailey's fur ❤ · far too many tears · harvest has begun - busy days ahead · thinking about the future a lot
• Aug 19, 2016 · more tears · huge argument with M · thinking about packing my bags and simply leaving all of this behind · feeling so lonely · writing to Mir
• Aug 20, 2016 · early morning with Licentia · cleaning out my closet · humidity · big dinner with family & friends · walking with Licentia
• Aug 21, 2016 · chilly weather · going through old photos · writing to Mir all afternoon (8 pages by now & I've replied to only 2 pages of her letter so far!) · I get the feeling that we'll go seperate ways soon & it's tearing me up · watching The Shining
• Aug 22, 2016 · overslept · it's such a rainy and gloomy day and I love it so much · lunging Licentia in the rain & going for a walk with her through the woods to take photos · talking to M about self sufficiency · harvesting and freezing carrots
• Aug 23, 2016 · reading outside with the chickens all over me, but I enjoed it so much · another heatwave is upon us · meeting M at the stable & spending time with her and Licentia · lots to think and ponder about · harvesting until late at night
• Aug 24, 2016 · early morning with M & F · my nose hurts - this is NOT good · 30°C at 11AM - ugh! · new bridles · humidity
• Aug 25, 2016 · tired of the heat · looking forward to autumn · writing · spending hours with my little Bailey wonderfully · I love him to the moon and back
• Aug 26, 2016 · still way too hot · early morning with the dogs and Licentia · cleaning the coops · quality time with all my fur & feather babies · they are the best
• Aug 27, 2016 · I'm in huge shock because my little Bailey-Boo passed away this morning · no words - just the worst heartache and endless tears.
• Aug 28, 2016 · :'( · I have no strenght for anything other than to cry · in bed all day.
• Aug 29, 2016 · I miss him so much, it hurts.
• Aug 30, 2016 · I don't think I can do this.
• Aug 31, 2016 · Heartbroken to no end.
• Sept 1, 2016 · Tears and more tears.
• Sept 2, 2016 · I just want to die so we can be reunited in heaven.
• Sept 3, 2016 · I feel like nobody really understands me · he was so much more than "just a dog" · He was the best friend I've ever had · going outside for the first time in over a month · still so heartbroken
• Sept 4, 2016 · Kaunitz · bought a few things for the homestead · felt awful and just wanted to get back home all the time · built 2 new benches · the chickens keep following me around · sad
• Sept 5, 2016 · spent most of the day in bed · keeping Licentia outside during the night because it's much cooler there than inside the stable · the house is so lonely without Bailey · I miss his cuddles so much · so many tears
• Sept 6, 2016 · it's tearing me up · feeling so lonely · spending the day in bed watching movies · no more work · it's not worth it anymore
• Sept 7, 2016 · mail from insurance · all I can do is cry · I can feel my heart ache · spending the entire afternoon by his grave · watching Licentia and Lilly from afar
• Sept 8, 2016 · it hurts so much · it's all I can think about · sitting by his grave · buying him new flowers · finding an old toy that he must have hidden under the bed weeks ago & crying my eyes out for hours
• Sept 9, 2016 · trial appointment (FIGGE) · doing laundry · taking out the trash finally · went back to bed for hours · nightmare
• Sept 10, 2016 · 2 weeks without him & it feels like it's been 2 years · devastated · will I ever feel "normal" again? · hurt my left arm · depression's never been worse for me
• Sept 11, 2016 · 15 years · watching way too much TV · wanting to be alone at all times · reading a letter from Jonna · laundry
• Sept 12, 2016 · taking Licentia for a walk · feeling bad that I neglected her so much lately · being with her feels good · sitting down with her in the grass & crying my heart out to her · missing him so, so much
• Sept 13, 2016 · neglecting everything recently · need to make appointments but don't give a damn about it · depression's been getting worse · nobody's listening · feeling so lonely
• Sept 14, 2016 · feeling like a fool · harvesting so stuff won't go to waste · canning and preserving stuff for the storage room · making jam that'll last for 2-3 years · catching up on laundry
• Sept 15, 2016 · Frauentausch · talking to Melly a lot · watching a movie together · still no sleep · barely slept for more than 2-3 hours a night since he passed away
• Sept 16, 2016 · running on empty · looking at his photos · missing him so much · lighting a candle for him every day · new flowers
• Sept 17, 2016 · 3 weeks · stomach cramps · baking banana bread · cooking dinner for the first time in weeks · sleepless
• Sept 18, 2016 · an iPhone reminder that broke my heart all over again · harvesting pumpkins · reading a magazine · it's so quiet here at night · rebuilding the guinea pig home
• Sept 19, 2016 · heavy rainfall in the early morning · received the bill from the vet for Licentia when she had a colic on Sept 1 · picking up the training with her again · cramping · can't trust them
• Sept 20, 2016 · received a very sweet and thoughtful letter from Claudia · it's a nice feeling to know I was being thought of · missing Liz a lot and wishing we could go back to the days where we'd still send letters to each other · cooking dinner · building a little hen house for the chickens
• Sept 21, 2016 · woke up crying my eyes out because Bailey was in my dream · missing him endlessly · called the farrier for a new appointment · talking to Tanja · more canning
• Sept 22, 2016 · watching Dirty Dancing on DVD · writing Claudia a short letter while sitting outside in the chicken run - it's become a favorite place to be · picking apples & harvesting potatoes · Frauentausch · finished the hen house
• Sept 23, 2016 · went to Bielefeld to the neurologist & they were closed! · ferrier appointment went good once again - I'm proud of Licentia · talked some more to Tanja · drove to Hornbach and bought more flowers & plants · mad at D
• Sept 24, 2016 · 4 weeks without you :'( · feeling so weird about M now · quick stop at tedox to buy a few things for the house · looked at wallpaper for the bedroom · lonely dinner
• Sept 25, 2016 · sitting at the sewing machine for a few hours - working on something new · cooking chili · baking bread rolls for dinner · doing a lot of laundry · migraine
• Sept 26, 2016 · D's back to work · early morning phone call from Reed · long talk with Karin · new candles for his grave · harvesting sunflowers
• Sept 27, 2016 · Decathlon with Marie · lovely time with Licentia · new riding helmet · no internet connection · preparing for court
• Sept 28, 2016 · court · annoyed by GN · lunged Licentia · fixing the internet connection · no work
• Sept 29, 2016 · spent almost all day in bed · this backache is awful · writing to Sabrina · reading a lot · mouse
• Sept 30, 2016 · overslept · no work · back is still not better · worked with Licentia (NHMS & a little bit of dressage) · M & I just don't get along anymore
• Oct 1, 2016 · long walk with Licentia through the woods in the early morning while it was still gloomy and foggy · monthly grocery shopping · heavy rainfall finally · talked to L again · worked in the pantry for a while tonight
• Oct 2, 2016 · harvest festival · rain all day · no eczema blanket for Licentia for the first time since March · quality time with the chickens · animal clinic with Trudi & so worried
• Oct 3, 2016 · German Unity Day · Trudi is still at the clinic & not doing too well · feeling unwanted · writing to Liz · sewing
• Oct 4, 2016 · worried · NHMS with Licentia (practicing going backwards on signal) · take away · backache is getting worse · it's all in my head
• Oct 5, 2016 · RIP Trudi :'( </3 · it all feels like such a nightmare · heartbroken · late night sewing to keep my mind busy · sleepless night
• Oct 6, 2016 · 10°C weather · cold and cloudy all day long · candles · canceling Bailey's insurance and license fee · alone all day
• Oct 7, 2016 · I feel like jumping into that black hole · missing Bailey so much · long day · started reading a new book about NHMS · Law & Order SVU marathon
• Oct 8, 2016 · editing layout for blog · early morning with the chickens · started reading a new book by Max Bentow · writing to Sabrina · walking with Licentia
• Oct 9, 2016 · feeling so down · heartache · I miss the feeling of having someone to talk to · Schwiegertochter Gesucht · nobody really understands
• Oct 10, 2016 · taking Gizmo for a long walk · collecting lots of leaves and branches for wreaths · cuddles with Licentia · note from chimney sweeper · nap
• Oct 11, 2016 · missing Trudi so much · is this ever going to end? · awful backache · I wish I was more of a fighter · darkness
• Oct 12, 2016 · It feels like the bad days will never end · reading on and off all day · migraine · the backache is getting worse · talking to C&J a lot
• Oct 13, 2016 · reading more and more · feeling worse today · tight chest · feeling so unwell around certain people these days · a lot of tears
• Oct 14, 2016 · waking up with an awful migraine · throwing up all morning · meeting Alex for the first time since January · so disappointed in Manuela · had a very good day with Licentia & Melly & C & J