• capricorn: jesus christ was the goat
• aquarius:
• pisces: it's the sceson when pi day happens
• aries: eagles lay their eggs in february, so they're spending time in their aeries in early spring
• taurus: lent has ended and you can eat donuts again
• gemini: the sun is out for so long, and its gemlike luster strikes your eye
• cancer: it's sunny and you're at high risk of melanoma
• leo: grown men break up with their much younger girlfriends in late summer, before the fall semester starts
• virgo:
• libra:
• scorpio: the simpsons episode "you only move twice" first aired on november 3, 1996
• sagittarius: you use a lot of sag in your cooking for thanksgiving

this shall be my greatest list