- 72 Fucking Days?: if we spend our lives together as one of those happy couples that never get married, i’m cool with it. kim kardashian can be our excuse.
- A Prenup: hell yes, we got one. just because we’re in love doesn’t mean we’re gonna make shitty legal and financial decisions.
- A Rational, Intelligent Argument: i don’t mind having one. i don’t even mind losing one. i only mind if you don’t know how to make one.
- Chivalry: for the record, that shit goes both ways. you hold the door for me, and i let you eat off my plate.
- Citizens Of The World: our kids will speak multiple languages. They will have passports before they have driver’s licenses. they will be cooler than us.
- Couples Counseling Is For Pussies: let’s go rob a bank together.
- Date Night: let’s smoke some high quality marijuana and watch bedknobs & broomsticks.
- Disney Merchandise: if we have kids and we take them on a yearly trip to disneyland, you have to promise to never, ever let me be one of those fat ladies walking around the theme park head-to-toe in classic pooh gear.
- Fucking Celebrate: every once in a while amazing things will happen to us. let’s remember them often and let everything else fuck off.
- Going To Bed Angry: fuck that weak ass shit. we’re gonna stay up and fight.
- I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You: shut the fuck up, no you didn’t. and if you ever quote Savage Garden again I’m filing for divorce.
- It’s Okay: i know you spank it to porn on the internet. no really. i don’t care.
- Jewelry: there is not a holiday where this is going to be appropriate. i know you’re in this for the long haul, so you won’t try to pull any kay Jjwelers-status crap with me at the beginning — but if we’re 90 and you’re trying to figure out how to make some random anniversary special, just write me a funny bullet list. i’ll laugh till i shit my pants and then i’ll let you watch while the hospice nurse changes me.
- Joint Accounts: keep your passwords. keep your facebook. keep your email. i’d like the spam lists i’m on to stay private just as much as you’d prefer not to tell me about the weird adam and eve order you made ‘for a friend’ a few years ago.
- Just Cause We’re Married Now: doesn’t mean we still can’t get stoned and watch spaceballs like we used to.
- Let’s Build a Sofa Fort!: i’ll totally fuck you in it.
- Let’s Sign Up To Be A Couple On House Hunters: and then reject all three properties because none of them comes with a sex dungeon.
- Other Women: you will never say stupid shit like, “i may look at the menu, but i’ll never order.” this is mainly because you are not a tool who objectifies women, but it’s also because i like playing with girls, and we’ll both get to enjoy that over the years.
- Our Own Spaces: if you can afford us a home with a “den”, sure, babe, it’s yours. but don’t think for a second i’m not going to throw down some cash to spring for my “drawing room”. yeah, no shit, i don’t draw. and you’re not a fucking bear. doesn’t mean we both don’t need our own spaces to get drunk and watch porn.
- Our Vows: will not include the word “obey.”
- Princess: don’t ever fucking call me that.
- Protecting Me: if we’re out together and a stranger makes inappropriate sexual advances toward me, please don’t hit him. i’d prefer that the two of you avoided fisticuffs and instead worked through your disagreement via a freestyle rap battle.
- Spiders: no, don’t you kill that spider. here, let me catch him and put him outside.
- Strippers: going to a strip club is not an affair. you do not have to call me to check in. have fun at your weird cousin’s bachelor party. truly.
- Terms Of Endearment: if you insist on using them, please be creative. you should know better than to come at me with “sweetie pie” or “sugar plum.” i think “honey cunt” has a nice ring to it, don’t you?
- The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: fuck cnn. we get our evening news from comedy central.
- The Proposal: you will not make a public spectacle of asking to marry me or i will say no just to fuck with you on general principle.
- Throwing Up: you don’t have to hold my hair back or anything. make yourself useful and get me a mint and a fresh drink.
- We’re Going To Make A Lot Of Parenting Mistakes: let’s not make putting leashes on our children when we go to the mall one of them.
- Your Friends: keep them. hang out with them. go on weekend trips with them.
- Your Job: i know i’m ‘the free spirited one’, but you’re not allowed to be doing something that makes you miserable. sorry. we'll fucking live in a box, it’s fine.
- Your Wardrobe: you’ll always have full control of it. promise.
feb 15 2013 ∞
jan 20 2014 +