• (floorplans)
• I want to draw you a floorplan
• Of my head and heart
• I want to give directions
• helpful hints
• What you'll be looking for
• What was I looking for
• What am I looking for
• I know I'll hold this pain in my heart forever
• I know I'll hold, I'll hold
• I know I'll hold this pain in my heart forever
• I know I'll hold, I'll hold
• All eyes are on you now
• I shouldn't go
• But I can't really help it
• When I feel this pressure
• I shouldn't go
• But I can't really help it
• When I feel this pressure
• All eyes are on me now
• All eyes are on me now
• (Like O,Like h)
• Make a map of what you see,
• Direct pain effectively.
• Like Oh, Oh, sugar spell it out.
• Like O, like O, like H in your gut
• Like O, like H in your gut.
• When I was swinging fists,
• Like nails in a board.
• Pull your hands inside of you,
• Six years till I'll be through.
• I was swinging back,
• Like a race to be sure.
• holy fuck. i wish i could convey what is going on.
• or maybe nothing is going on and that is why i cannot manage communications.
• but something is going on.
• GOING ON:
• the rest of my year being determined by a judge?
• finally being forced to bounce between 2 houses, instead of one house and a hotel, or a restaurant, or a park or wherever the fuck visitation is gonna get smacked down.
• feeling stupid and impulsive in all the wrong ways.
• hearing from old friends. having to listen to them whine about being sick of smoking weed. watching it begin to dawn on them that maybe...MAYBE...doing this every weekend and morning isn't going to work out.
• struggling.
• srzly? wanting a hug.
• only having books that are capable of taking words out of my brain. that allow me to stop worrying about sounding like a fool. it seems like a lot of people used to help make stuff like that better. but really? maybe this is a reality check or maybe im just distant.
• throwing things,memories,people,places,beliefs,habits,thoughts and dreams away. learning how to do that. knowing that its for the best.
• maybe.
• people telling me that its not neccesary to be worried. its not neccesary to be aware of how much panic you have? i think that is dumb. i have this little chunk of awareness, and even though its not towards people, or myself or whats going on around me, its the only fucking awareness i have and it just so happens to be fear. i would like to keep it and eventually find a way to turn it into something else,thanks for the support on that one. really, YOU are the best.ever.
• learning to love love adore enjoy celebrate my anxiety. love it. must.
• realizing that i am the product of many disfunctions, but its still possible to function! who would have guessed that? pRaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAise.
• mama calling me from her shitty little hotel room because she feels like yelling.

did you know that for the entire year we have been living apart, i still dont have your number in my phone? jeez, for the amount of times you call it would seem as if i would have done that. OH WAIT. i dont like being screamed at over the phone.

• im ready to have MORE drama in my life. lets drop all of this family bullshit and move on already ok? i would give a whole lot to just have friend or boy or school or earth drama. 15 years of this? that is enough. let it go.
• learning to shutup.
• knowing when to shutup.
• finally shutting up.