sort of diary about the events that unfold in my paracosm, because now i want to keep track of what's going on & how the history of this world unfolds & shapes my heart. this world is a coping mechanism i developed in my 11-12s n i have no intention on treating it like an unhealthy symptom. i treat my headmates as friends.

• 241116 ⠀ dell got anxious for being left alone at the rocky-valley island n followed us (idk how, coz we travelled by ship.) he fought w dana n i to take part in the 'wintery-land' expedition. i let him stay as long as he stops trying to talk over me. we set camp for the meantime.

• 241130 ⠀ i got overwhelmed by smth i can't recall n ran away to the forest. i took off my coat n boots n lashed out at a tree. later, dell found me sobbing near a cabin. we got inside n he showered me n brushed my hair. dana n zero arrived later. i changed my clothes to comfy pjs n sat on a fluffy rug while dell made tea n lit the fireplace.

• 241203 ⠀ a new temporary resident arrived n her name is andressa. she looks like a gothic lolita porcelain doll, like celes, except for a black veil as headpiece, not showing any hair. she's a judge that will be guiding me to a better self-perception of myself, while getting rid of undesired thoughts (a walking cbt therapist.) she'll leave when our goals are met.

• 241206 ⠀ we briefly went back to the grotto chapel to clean it from spiderwebs n i decide to talk w my angel. he grips my head in one of his hands n throws me into the abyss, telling me i were only to return after i believed wholeheartedly that i am a real grown man. i walk around that empty place, but it's deep, endless, n silent. after a while i meet andressa there. we talk about my idealizations of manhood n she tells me mine are currently not good for me ("i don't think he's going to work... you n him have nothing in common. he'll take you to unnecessarily dangerous situations. why don't you try something like a knight?") i'll think about it.

• 241207 ⠀ we're still roaming the abyss. some places are darker, some lighter; some have glass floors, some have debris n stone tiles; most chambers have running water, some have saltwater, but overall everything is wet n humid; waterfalls are very common. the others don't hear or respond me ("you can't call your dragon here.") andressa isn't a fighter, neither i am. the angel gave me a sword to protect myself, so i'm forced to face up close whatever comes to harm us, (no guns, no soldiers) but idk how to use it!! there's chambers n corridors where gigantic waves crash. i think the demon is following me, but it can't come close. we're lost, but at least we don't feel hunger nor thirst down here.

• 241212 ⠀ luckily i can wash myself down here. andressa got me new robes (that match dell's own) n exchanged the angel's sword for a rapier that's sharp as a needle. it's gets colder as we dive deeper. at some point i jump into a plunge waterfall, falling into a lake.

• 241214 ⠀ andressa decides she'll stay n find a way to go back to the surface. it chilled my spine, being completely on my own. i walk deeper n now the scenery looks less like a gloss cake n more like a moist dungeon. at some point i find the demon n we fight. at first it's pretty underwhelming because he doesn't scare me, maybe because i'm all on edge. then, he stabs my heart n i drag myself under the blade to cut his throat. i'm shaking w adrenaline. he faints n the ground shakes coz there's a wave coming to crash down the room. i pick him up n dash to the other end of the room. my chest hurts so much, but we are able to jump through some pillars n escape to a safer room. there, i let him on the floor while i keep running away, to a point where i slip n fall into a well. i try to cling to the wall to no avail n i fall down on water. it's deep enough to cover my head. i panic n try to climb it back or find a way out but i can't. i'm on the verge of tears; stressed, lost, wounded, n about to drown to death. on the bottom of the well's wall i find a space where i can get inside. i'm scared to go further, so i cling to the opening n kick the bottom of the well (there's a trap door there) to escape. i sob in despair as i fall down countless floors. all i feel is this agonizing pain in my chest n cold all over my limbs. i fall into the ocean. the sky is dark. i sob while i swim to a nearby beach. there, i take off my clothes to dry, the sword stuck on my chest, n i make a bedding of leaves to stay warm. after crying for a while, i meet my 12 y/o self. my first thought is that i want to kill her; choke her until she dies. i stay still n stare. terrified child, she fidgets, shy. all i think about is gruesome violence. i don't move.

• 241221 ⠀ many things happened that i didn't write. i named the rapier riptide coz it kept coming back to me. i took the kid w me n we went through a whole trip of me treating her like trash n she kept crying n screaming, until all my fury became despair, coz beating her didn't help n i was going insane w the crying. i took care of her until the demon showed up again, this time limping n calm. he told me that what kills me is what keeps me alive, n he cried on my shoulder telling me how much i am loved by creatures beyond my comprehension n how envious he is of this love. i need to be more grateful. right now we're trying to go back to the surface, but i'm not done with the angel's statement. i can't leave yet.

• 241227 ⠀ we went up. it took a couple of days. i let the rapier to rest n switched to two hand knives. it's annoying when floods happen or when creatures attack from afar. i miss having a gun, but the angel is very strict. yesterday i achieved his statement, so now i just gotta get out of here. the demon decided to stay on the deepest levels, but i'm bringing the kid with me. we play n dance n have fun traveling up. we're back to the wet dungeons, then, to the glass n crystals floors. i'm better at fighting to the point i'm choosing to flee so we won't waste time or energy. i want to call dana, but she can't come.

• 241228 ⠀ we arrive at the top floor. the angel is there w dana, dell, n zero. separating us is only a wall (floor?) of glass. i climb the stairs to destroy it since the angel won't break it from the other side. i throw my shoulder against the wall but it doesn't bulge. the stairs recoil n i stab the wall w a knife, hanging in nothingness. the kid holds onto my legs for dear life. i try to jab the glass again to no avail. desperation consumes my heart n my grip falters. "not yet," the angel whispers. we fall on the ground. i don't understand, i should be out of here. there's a sound n the demon shows up. he asks me to return to the abyss, to give up, but i refuse. he attacks me, i defend. we fight n this time it hurts. he tries to stab my eye but i shove him off. i call for the rapier n it returns to my hands. we fight. i shouldn't have left him down there. at some point, he drops the sword n sobs. i rush to hold him. i no longer want him dead, but i can't let him stop me. i gotta be stronger than him. we come to a resolution. he fades in a thick smoke that covers my upper half n settles inside my body. he says he'll now live in my arms n my spine. he's no longer stronger than me. i sheaten my rapier, pick up his blade, n i tell the kid to piggyback me. i throw the demon's sword like a spear; it bounces on the glass. it cracks. i throw it again, n this time it punctures it. the stairs show up again, in the middle of the room, so i run. i pick up the sword n use its hilt to punch the glass over, n over, n over, until it shatters. the angel is right in front of me. the light burns my eyes. i tip over but he holds me in a cold hug. i came back to breathe again, i have to cherish this life, he looks at me n i look at him n we're the same, "i love you, i love you, please don't die," i'm wanted, i need to survive. my eyes roll back to my skull n my body shuts down. my vision is all blurry as i lay on the cold floor. zero comes rushing first. my heart aches. he's so fluffy n i'm so happy to hold him again. i look at him n at the kid, n my blood freezes in a difficult realization: he belongs w her. i no longer need him to survive, so i give him to her. she needs him way more than me. it hurts my chest, i don't want to let him go, but it's the right thing to do. dana comes next n i sob like a baby. i love her so much, but i can no longer let her go on rampages n burn down cities whenever we feel too much. i can't neglect her anymore. we gotta work together, i gotta control her. dell comes last n helps me to get to my feet. we're the same height. he asks me if i'll keep him around, n i confirm, until i become him, until we merge, as intended. it's time to leave but the angel tells me to stay a little longer. the abyss is done, but we have business to do.

• 250112 ⠀ it's been a while. things are quiet. i've been spending time w the angel, which makes things deeply personal. dell comes down to check on us from time to time. i don't want to leave yet.

• 250214 ⠀ dell has been trying to keep me underground because he's scared i'm going to leave them (him) again, but i can't stay. i gotta go. i can't keep myself underground forever. he's scared because if i leave i won't have his or fear's protection, n i just started getting the angels' attention. he says i'm too inconsistent to ask for blessings. andressa tried talking some sense to him, but he ignored it. i don't want to stay, i'll talk to him again.

• 250316 ⠀ i'm thinking about finding a way to integrate dell to myself (since he's me in my 30s) but i'm scared of being left alone inside my head. we'll talk about this. i spent 5 min screaming nonstop, being choked by the angel. he said i'm healed n forgiven.

• 250405 ⠀ this process have been hard to the point i'm waking up with heavy headaches n smelling fire or smoke. we left the pits n the rocky-valley island again, flying east. dell said it would do us some good now that zero is gone forever, back to the past. i asked to go to a place where i can call n pray to the old gods. they took me there, but something happened n we left dell on a city while we fled away to a distant island where we crashed n got stranded. the island is dark n has tall demons that tried to kill us, but dana is insane. she's my feelings n instinct (the survival instinct as well.) she fought w them, protecting me. we're recovering there until she has enough strength to leave, but this place is intriguing. it's open, so it's not an abyss. maybe the shadow realm? from jung? it should be underground, instead of being surrounded by the sea of unconsciousness... ig it could work.

• 250407 ⠀ we returned to the city n roamed to the higher grounds up north, where it snows. in the middle of the road, i asked dell if i could get inside his body, instead of his getting inside of mine. it was painful n disgusting. his body is so thin n tall i felt as if i was melting, my fingers n neck were so long it made me wretch. dana tried to keep me grounded coz i kept screaming in pain n trying to tear my skin apart. after a while, silence. my eyes adjusted n my bones fell into place. they kept moving inside my skin, but mildly, cracking. i called for a horse n dana went back to latch onto my neck like a pendant. i need winter clothes.

• 250419 ⠀ so many things have happened during the past two weeks, i don't recall much of them. dell n i got separated n we had an argument, n after a while, idk how, but me, dana, dell, andressa, n my gf ended up in an underground factory built on iron n flooded by blood. i don't remember how, but i lost my skin n parts of muscle, becoming something like a half-decaying body. thankfully, my blood n muscles are fresh and irrigated. i ask dell to fight me so we can become one again. he accepts, but i'm stuck laying to the floor, bound by clotted blood that is a metaphor for the worldly perceptions of whom i am (n also bound by my own distorted perception). i take out the rapier n throw it away. i get my knife n my gun n i rip all those tendrils from my back, screaming n crying n pushing myself from the flooded floor. dell opens a hole in the ceiling of the factory n runs away. i stumble because i don't have muscles to hold my bones everywhere. dana comes n i jump onto her to hunt him down. on the surface, we're at that snowy place again. my body aches. he runs. i don't want to kill him, nor he wants to die. he runs to the woods n i have to chase him by foot. i'm bleeding all over the ground. when i find him, he's in the middle of a clearing, silver needle on hand. there's nothing else he can teach me. we don't want to do this. but the time is now. we fight n it's my spot: long n short range, so his needle can't touch me n when it does, my knife is on his face. he runs again n i follow until we're at the edge of a cliff. we don't need to exchange words. we bow to each other n we dance instead of brawling. his fingers start to vanish in smoke. my heart aches but we keep going. he sobs, i hold his hand. he's been my dearest. i tell him i don't want an apartment in france. he laughs n tells me he's proud of me; he's never once regretted choosing me, n i have a wonderful life awaiting me. he tries to hold my face, but his limbs are gone. i hold him instead. it's been fun. it's been wonderful. he's been an angel; the parent i needed when i was young. but now i'm older, wiser, i'm a fully-fledged adult that doesn't need his care any more. i'm my own parent. i love my heart. i finally grew up. he vanishes like smoke n i sit down on the cold snow. i raise my head n there's only silence. silence. all gone. something precious was lost. he's no longer walking by my side, but like fear, he lives somewhere inside my body. i'll never see him again. thank you.

• 250420 ⠀ the silence is mortuary, but we fly north, where there's mountains n more snow. there's an entire city there i didn't know about. we land n i'm still numb, but here comes andressa n she takes me to the main building: a tower w super high ceiling, where i find all my previous memories from all my previous headmates n how every single thing that happened to me in my life made me who i am today, the good, the pointless, n the bad. in my hands, i hold the exact moment i broke my own heart when i was 10 n i forgive myself. andressa says now that dell is gone, i can return to the throne. "throne?" "you're king here," n it doesn't sound odd, so i take it. ruler of my own soul, ig.