sort of diary about the events that unfold in my paracosm, because now i want to keep track of what's going on & how the history of this world unfolds & shapes my heart. this world is a coping mechanism i developed in my 11-12s n i have no intention on treating it like an unhealthy symptom. i treat my headmates as friends.

• 241116 ⠀ dell got anxious for being left alone at the rocky-valley island n followed us (idk how, coz we travelled by ship.) he fought w dana n i to take part in the 'wintery-land' expedition. i let him stay as long as he stops trying to talk over me. we set camp for the meantime.

• 241130 ⠀ i got overwhelmed by smth i can't recall n ran away to the forest. i took off my coat n boots n lashed out at a tree. later, dell found me sobbing near a cabin. we got inside n he showered me n brushed my hair. dana n zero arrived later. i changed my clothes to comfy pjs n sat on a fluffy rug while dell made tea n lit the fireplace.

• 241203 ⠀ a new temporary resident arrived n her name is andressa. she looks like a gothic lolita porcelain doll, like celes, except for a black veil as headpiece, not showing any hair. she's a judge that will be guiding me to a better self-perception of myself, while getting rid of undesired thoughts (a walking cbt therapist.) she'll leave when our goals are met.

• 241206 ⠀ we briefly went back to the grotto chapel to clean it from spiderwebs n i decide to talk w my angel. he grips my head in one of his hands n throws me into the abyss, telling me i were only to return after i believed wholeheartedly that i am a real grown man. i walk around that empty place, but it's deep, endless, n silent. after a while i meet andressa there. we talk about my idealizations of manhood n she tells me mine are currently not good for me ("i don't think he's going to work... you n him have nothing in common. he'll take you to unnecessarily dangerous situations. why don't you try something like a knight?") i'll think about it.

• 241207 ⠀ we're still roaming the abyss. some places are darker, some lighter; some have glass floors, some have debris n stone tiles; most chambers have running water, some have saltwater, but overall everything is wet n humid; waterfalls are very common. the others don't hear or respond me ("you can't call your dragon here.") andressa isn't a fighter, neither i am. the angel gave me a sword to protect myself, so i'm forced to face up close whatever comes to harm us, (no guns, no soldiers) but idk how to use it!! there's chambers n corridors where gigantic waves crash. i think the demon is following me, but it can't come close. we're lost, but at least we don't feel hunger nor thirst down here.

• 241212 ⠀ luckily i can wash myself down here. andressa got me new robes (that match dell's own) n exchanged the angel's sword for a rapier that's sharp as a needle. it's gets colder as we dive deeper. at some point i jump into a plunge waterfall, falling into a lake.

• 241214 ⠀ andressa decides she'll stay n find a way to go back to the surface. it chilled my spine, being completely on my own. i walk deeper n now the scenery looks less like a gloss cake n more like a moist dungeon. at some point i find the demon n we fight. at first it's pretty underwhelming because he doesn't scare me, maybe because i'm all on edge. then, he stabs my heart n i drag myself under the blade to cut his throat. i'm shaking w adrenaline. he faints n the ground shakes coz there's a wave coming to crash down the room. i pick him up n dash to the other end of the room. my chest hurts so much, but we are able to jump through some pillars n escape to a safer room. there, i let him on the floor while i keep running away, to a point where i slip n fall into a well. i try to cling to the wall to no avail n i fall down on water. it's deep enough to cover my head. i panic n try to climb it back or find a way out but i can't. i'm on the verge of tears; stressed, lost, wounded, n about to drown to death. on the bottom of the well's wall i find a space where i can get inside. i'm scared to go further, so i cling to the opening n kick the bottom of the well (there's a trap door there) to escape. i sob in despair as i fall down countless floors. all i feel is this agonizing pain in my chest n cold all over my limbs. i fall into the ocean. the sky is dark. i sob while i swim to a nearby beach. there, i take off my clothes to dry, the sword stuck on my chest, n i make a bedding of leaves to stay warm. after crying for a while, i meet my 12 y/o self. my first thought is that i want to kill her; choke her until she dies. i stay still n stare. terrified child, she fidgets, shy. all i think about is gruesome violence. i don't move.

• 241221 ⠀ many things happened that i didn't write. i named the rapier riptide coz it kept coming back to me. i took the kid w me n we went through a whole trip of me treating her like trash n she kept crying n screaming, until all my fury became despair, coz beating her didn't help n i was going insane w the crying. i took care of her until the demon showed up again, this time limping n calm. he told me that what kills me is what keeps me alive, n he cried on my shoulder telling me how much i am loved by creatures beyond my comprehension n how envious he is of this love. i need to be more grateful. right now we're trying to go back to the surface, but i'm not done with the angel's statement. i can't leave yet.

• 241227 ⠀ we went up. it took a couple of days. i let the rapier to rest n switched to two hand knives. it's annoying when floods happen or when creatures attack from afar. i miss having a gun, but the angel is very strict. yesterday i achieved his statement, so now i just gotta get out of here. the demon decided to stay on the deepest levels, but i'm bringing the kid with me. we play n dance n have fun traveling up. we're back to the wet dungeons, then, to the glass n crystals floors. i'm better at fighting to the point i'm choosing to flee so we won't waste time or energy. i want to call dana, but she can't come.

• 241228 ⠀ we arrive at the top floor. the angel is there w dana, dell, n zero. separating us is only a wall (floor?) of glass. i climb the stairs to destroy it since the angel won't break it from the other side. i throw my shoulder against the wall but it doesn't bulge. the stairs recoil n i stab the wall w a knife, hanging in nothingness. the kid holds onto my legs for dear life. i try to jab the glass again to no avail. desperation consumes my heart n my grip falters. "not yet," the angel whispers. we fall on the ground. i don't understand, i should be out of here. there's a sound n the demon shows up. he asks me to return to the abyss, to give up, but i refuse. he attacks me, i defend. we fight n this time it hurts. he tries to stab my eye but i shove him off. i call for the rapier n it returns to my hands. we fight. i shouldn't have left him down there. at some point, he drops the sword n sobs. i rush to hold him. i no longer want him dead, but i can't let him stop me. i gotta be stronger than him. we come to a resolution. he fades in a thick smoke that covers my upper half n settles inside my body. he says he'll now live in my arms n my spine. he's no longer stronger than me. i sheaten my rapier, pick up his blade, n i tell the kid to piggyback me. i throw the demon's sword like a spear; it bounces on the glass. it cracks. i throw it again, n this time it punctures it. the stairs show up again, in the middle of the room, so i run. i pick up the sword n use its hilt to punch the glass over, n over, n over, until it shatters. the angel is right in front of me. the light burns my eyes. i tip over but he holds me in a cold hug. i came back to breathe again, i have to cherish this life, he looks at me n i look at him n we're the same, "i love you, i love you, please don't die," i'm wanted, i need to survive. my eyes roll back to my skull n my body shuts down. my vision is all blurry as i lay on the cold floor. zero comes rushing first. my heart aches. he's so fluffy n i'm so happy to hold him again. i look at him n at the kid, n my blood freezes in a difficult realization: he belongs w her. i no longer need him to survive, so i give him to her. she needs him way more than me. it hurts my chest, i don't want to let him go, but it's the right thing to do. dana comes next n i sob like a baby. i love her so much, but i can no longer let her go on rampages n burn down cities whenever we feel too much. i can't neglect her anymore. we gotta work together, i gotta control her. dell comes last n helps me to get to my feet. we're the same height. he asks me if i'll keep him around, n i confirm, until i become him, until we merge, as intended. it's time to leave but the angel tells me to stay a little longer. the abyss is done, but we have business to do.

• 250112 ⠀ it's been a while. things are quiet. i've been spending time w the angel, which makes things deeply personal. dell comes down to check on us from time to time. i don't want to leave yet.

• 250214 ⠀ it has been a month since i talked to them. dell has been trying to keep me underground because he's scared i'm going to leave them (him) again, but i can't stay. i gotta go. i can't keep myself underground forever. he's scared because if i leave i won't have his or fear's protection, n i just started getting the angels' attention. he says i'm too inconsistent to ask for blessings. andressa tried talking some sense to him, but he ignored it. i don't want to stay, i'll talk to him again.

• 250218 ⠀ today, i asked to be possessed again.