sort of diary about the events that unfold in my paracosm, because now i want to keep track of what's going on & how the history of this world unfolds & shapes my heart. this world is a coping mechanism i developed in my 11-12s n i have no intention on treating it like an unhealthy symptom. i know it's not real-real, but it's very real to me. i treat my headmates as friends. sometimes spiritual beings visit me in dreams.

• 111624 ⠀ dell got anxious for being left alone at the rocky-valley island n followed us (idk how, coz we travelled by ship.) he fought w dana n i to take part in the 'wintery-land' expedition. i let him stay as long as he stops trying to talk over me. we set camp for the meantime.
• 113024 ⠀ i got overwhelmed by smth i can't recall n ran away to the forest. i took off my coat n boots n lashed out at a tree. later, dell found me sobbing near a cabin. we got inside n he showered me n brushed my hair. dana n zero arrived later. i changed my clothes to comfy pjs n sat on a fluffy rug while dell made tea n lit the fireplace.
• 120324 ⠀ a new temporary resident arrived n her name is andressa. she looks like a gothic lolita porcelain doll, like celes, except for a black veil as headpiece, not showing any hair. she's a judge that will be guiding me to a better self-perception of myself, while getting rid of undesired thoughts (a walking cbt therapist.) she'll leave when our goals are met.
• 120624 ⠀ we briefly went back to the grotto chapel to clean it from spiderwebs n i decide to talk w my angel. he grips my head in one of his hands n throws me into the abyss, telling me i were only to return after i believed wholeheartedly that i am a real grown man. i walk around that empty place, but it's deep, endless, n silent. after a while i meet andressa there. we talk about my idealizations of manhood n she tells me mine are currently not good for me ("i don't think he's going to work... you n him have nothing in common. he'll take you to unnecessarily dangerous situations. why don't you try something like a knight?") i'll think about it.
• 120724 ⠀ we're still roaming the abyss. some places are darker, some lighter; some have glass floors, some have debris n stone tiles; most chambers have running water, some have saltwater, but overall everything is wet n humid; waterfalls are very common. the others don't hear or respond me ("you can't call your dragon here.") andressa isn't a fighter, neither i am. the angel gave me a sword to protect myself, so i'm forced to face up close whatever comes to harm us, (no guns, no soldiers) but idk how to use it!! there's chambers n corridors where gigantic waves crash. i think the demon is following me, but it can't come close. we're lost, but at least we don't feel hunger nor thirst down here.
• 121224 ⠀ luckily i can wash myself down here. andressa got me new robes (that match dell's own) n a rapier that's sharp as a needle. it's gets colder as we dive deeper. at some point i jump into a plunge waterfall, falling into a lake.
• 121424 ⠀ andressa decides she'll stay n find a way to go back to the surface. it chilled my spine, being completely on my own. i walk deeper n now the scenery looks less like a gloss cake n more like a moist dungeon. at some point i find the demon n we fight. at first it's pretty underwhelming because he doesn't scare me, maybe because i'm all on edge. then, he stabs my heart n i drag myself under the blade to cut his throat. i'm shaking w adrenaline. he faints n the ground shakes; there's a wave coming to crash down the room. i pick him up n dash to the other end of the room. my heart is hurting so much, but we are able to jump through some pillars n escape to a safer room. there i let him fall n i keep running away, to a point where i slip n fall into a well. i try to cling to the wall to no avail. i fall down on water. it's deep enough to cover my head. i panic n try to climb it back or find a way out but i can't. i'm on the verge of tears; stressed, lost, wounded, n about to drown to death. on the bottom of the well's wall i find a space where i can get inside. i'm scared to go further, so i cling to the opening n kick the bottom of the well (there's a trap door there) to escape. i sob in despair as i fall down countless floors. all i feel is this agonizing pain in my chest n cold all over my limbs. i fall into the ocean. the sky is dark. i sob while i swim to a nearby beach. there i take off my clothes to dry, the sword stuck on my chest, n i make a bedding of leaves. after crying for a while, i meet my 12 y/o self. i want to kill her; choke her until she dies. i stay still n stare. terrified child, she fidgets, shy. all i think about is gruesome violence. i don't move.
• 122124 ⠀ many things happened that i didn't write. i took the kid n we went through a whole trip of me treating her like trash n she kept crying n screaming, until all my fury became despair, coz beating her didn't help n i was going insane w the crying. i took care of her until the demon showed up again, this time limping n calm. he told me that what kills me is what keeps me alive, n he cried on my shoulder telling me how much i am loved by creatures beyond my comprehension n how envious he is of this love. maybe i need to be more grateful. right now we're trying to go back to the surface, but i'm not done with the angel's statement. i can't leave yet.