• We went from you calling to make sure I crossed a busy street successfully one night.
• To taking turns telling each other on the phone how we wanted to walk in front of a car and be hit.

• clean room
• create washable load
• brush hair
• change fish water
• brush teeth
• pluck hairs
• sort through makeup
• plan what to wear
• gather leroy's items
• paint nails

• Hate a lot of stuff.
• Don't kid yourself, you're one of em.

• In which even my sleep eating is now accompanied by obsessive, controlling thinking. In a half conscious state with a chin-trail of strawberry juice staining my skin I become aware that I am sitting up in bed staring at the five am dark in front of me and that my mind has been chasing, grinding "working out" imagined "problems" that aren't based in any reality I know, but a fever less fever dream's baseless logic. I am suddenly awake enough to be scared, but not to understand of what which feels worse. I had eaten a strawberry without any real hunger or reason or knowledge. With the same purposelessness began to command the sleep-shadows of coherent thoughts into worry, pain and regulation. I can't accept and be comfortable with how things are when they aren't even actual things!

In my nap earlier today I became convince...

• Getting bored with doing it right, satisfied with doing it a little wrong.
• Then satisfied with doing it a lot wrong.
• Then satisfied with doing it a lot wrong faster.
• Then it's a little okay when you don't do it.
• A little okay when you don't plan to do it.
• Not doing it.
• Not thinking about doing it.
• Not remembering what it is.
• And definitely not remembering how it feels to do it right.

Scared of not letting myself be fully affected by people/things. Swallowing whole the bad feelings that come with doing bad things. Till I wouldn't believe anyone who told me it had a taste. I used to take time to just make sure I was being a hum...

• "You don't care as much about being right anymore."
• "Being right matters a lot more to you now."

Okay so.

• I think it really got hurt in there guys.
• Evergreens aren't real but I'm not gonna pine.
• A certain feeling that only happens when there are tears in your ears.
• Men draw naked women. And sometimes more than one.

• Cuticles.
• That all things impendable are impending on me, and it was the easiest thing of my life to sleep till five.
• I keep meaning to take a shower...
• That I generally deny feeling much of anything. But use the words "I really feel" as often as I do. (Often.)

Also,

• Why he left me at the elevator.
• Why I didn't get on with him.
• I mean, I actually love elevators.
• That's not true at all.
• How someone can even be that handsome.
• Or: the dream I had before waking up at five.

• It's noon o'clock and you're still asleep.
• My pop quiz kid.
• You never get nervous anymore.
• People's children die and they don't even cry forever.
• The inside of me hurts.
• This is a tomato? I thought it was a heaven ball.
• How can I convince you it's me I don't like?
• A heart I know by heart.
• And if I'm alone, then I'll be alone.
• I don't believe that one should devote his life to morbid self-attention; I believe that one should become a person like other people.
• The kind of guy who makes love cus he's in it.
• "Was I supposed to be bullied and somebody didn't do their job?"

• They're all about people surrounding me, and not liking me. I always feel threatened.
• Or else they're about sex. And I still feel threatened.
• Mostly though I am sad.
• The last dream I had started with me realizing I needed to get on an airplane for an indeterminate amount of, but expectantly long, time. And continued as a list of reasons why I was not going to get on the plane. Among them being numerous made up allergies. And my boyfriend.

• my friends.
• I don't like most of the ways I think.
• I don't like not liking.
• I don't like anyone else.
• No one. I swear it.
• Everything sucks.
• But mostly me.
• I'm hungry.
• Goodnight.

• That I'm just a bunch of dumb somethings (dumbthings) that mean nothing.
• That that ^ is how I try to say things to people.
• That I'm unnecessarily quirky.
• That I'm not quirky enough.
• That I'm conscienceless.
• That I don't mean anything I say. Or at least not to the extent I pretend to.
• That I'm not smart.
• That I'm never really going to do anything.
• That I would look so much better with real bangs.
• That I'm as bad of a person as I know I am.
• Being alone.
• That I'm not capable of being alone.
• That I am self-centered (see above).
• Of someone dying. That's never really happened to me before.

• A kind of candy that is a mix of the reds of all other candies.

• my goggles
• my french dictionary
• uncle tom's cabin
• the button on the top closet shelf
• one of those dumb green blankets that make me feel christmas
• any confidence fifteen year old amanda might have left around
• my glow in the dark ceiling art
• my park

also

• money

• There are so many other things to think about.
• Let it heal.
• Lightly chew. Because my mouth always tastes like blood.
• Stay strong.
• Look at things.
• It takes three days.
• Consider cactus relocation.
• Find something I don't have to fake.
• Seriously just get in the shower.

• pack
• small cry
• change netflix address
• clean computer
• get garage things
• wash clothes
• fix shoes
• try to sew button
• ask mom to sew button
• whiten teeth
• small cry
• find way to travel with fish and crab

• small pictures
• self-indulgence
• that i'm being self-indulgent by making this list. by having my own one of these.
• blunt force trauma
• all the times i've ever been awake before eleven.
• making decisions
• that making decisions is on this list.
• parking
• the pain i wake up to when i haven't worn my retainer in eight years, and randomly decide it's a good night to sleep with it on.
• the noise cardboard makes
• the idea that you have to do something during a day for it to be a day.
• when people dress up as animals (mostly cats)
• orifices
• pretension

• cleaning supplies
• lavender scented cleaning supplies
• grey toothbrushes
• kitties drinking from swimming pools

• real relationships
• fun nail polish
• ice skating
• sleeping in cars
• bruises, scrapes, cuts, calluses
• nicknames
• dimples
• stripes
• brothers
• "also"
• dirt smell
• dumb turquoise jewelry
• laundry
• genuineness
• christmas lights when it's not christmas
• boy best friends
• leaves
• aquariums
• tod, tod, tod
• polysyndeton
• eggs

• Anyone?
• Somedays I get up and am sad that I have to be awake for twelve more hours before I can go to sleep again.

• Watch people receive surprise puppies and cry about all the things ever.
• Watch people waking up from wisdom tooth extraction and laughcry about how wonderful and ridiculous human beans are.

I'm having a hard time.

• be the girl you loved.

-Okay I'm going to go to sleep I have to wake up and go to work tomorrow.

-Okay me too.

-You don't go to work.

-I mean I'm going to go to sleep.

• One night I cried so hard for you that I broke blood vessels in my face and woke up with two black eyes.

• "gimmicky"

• Underwhelming and overwhelmed.
• You can will yourself out of a headache?
• I miss the different parts of you.
• And when I think about all of them existing somewhere as a whole, I really can't take it.
• Walking. And functioning.
• I just want one hand.

• Thinking about it all and everything so much, so all of the time.
• Picking that scab.
• Biting my lips.
• Giving in.
• Being so unaware.
• Checking the mail.
• Hitting myself on my cactus.
• Faking it.
• Putting off showering.

• Is everything everyone does because they're afraid?
• What do you do if all the sides make sense to you?

• "Fuck."
• "Troubleshooting."
• "Crumby."
• "There's more to me than this."
• ^That being very much in reference to my wrist bones.
• "I haven't been anywhere where I've needed to clap in a long time."
• "I mean really, didn't you have to clap like every other day in high school?"
• "High school."
• "Necessary illusions."
• "Jk guys."
• "In want."

• Accept, accept, accept. Don hate, don hate, don hate.
• Eventually you have to give up trying to shove that into place.
• (Still shoving.)
• Well I did have a prior engagement but, I can always tape it.

• Today I saw a little round bird ball taking a bath in a puddle.

• I'm only capable of the smallest steps right now. But that doesn't mean I can't take them.
• And none of that. Really means anything.
• I forgot I can type so fast.
• "I'm not one to normally hand out compliments. But I mean, if I like your keychain or whatever..."
• Staying up for all the wrong reasons, and somehow that's right.
• "Life. It's one sad taco."
• HE SAID IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD AND I SAID SO'S EVERYTHING BUT HE DIDN'T GET IT.

• 9/31/10 Because anything can be sad. And that's sad.
• 10/1/10 Because my brother thinks I'm stupid.
• 10/10/10 I'm such a baby.
• 10/11/10 I miss my squirrel.
• 10/16/10 Because I don't know.

"If I were a figment of your imagination, would I know that you have a mole on your... list of pets to get??"

• a raccoon
• PUPPY
• TWO PUPPIES
• a little happy bird
• so, so many fishes
• a jellyfish

• tomatoes
• other humans
• romantic gestures
• morningness
• real food
• sleeping with pants on
• television
• the German green party
• people who love life so much

• Nobody knows using adjectives as nouns.
• Nobody.

I am a fail.

• How did so much scared get filled up in me.
• Where do I cut so that it can pour out.
• When you are embarrassed of your concerns, you're telling yourself something.
• You know the things you are doing are taking you further away from being the person you want to be, but the scared is sloshing inside and weighing you down and making what's right feel too heavy.
• How'd you get so hurt and scared?
• Why are you never just there? Why is there always a feeling that comes with your thereness. Why can't you just exist without all these pits and weights and scareds.
• I've needed to throw up for so long.
• She sees the drawings of the naked woman who aren't her. On his blog. And they're right there next to the ones she recognizes. As herself. And they're just there; t...

• "Oh, there's Tod's iPod."
• "It's a good thing ABC Family doesn't exist anymore."
• "Facebook notifications for the death of a friend..."

• We met halfway.
• You tasted like alcohol and like you were smiling.
• You are the greatest drunk person. Because all it means is that you're a little bit stupider and so much happier.
• And that whatever you say, you say nine times.
• Wouldn't it be great if we were neighbors?
• x9
• My hair got stuck in a tree. And then a tree was stuck in my hair.
• I fell asleep. On whoever's front yard that was. And I don't think you noticed. And I don't think it was longer than two minutes. But I was dead.
• You missed your speech. At your sister's going away party. Because somehow twenty minutes turns into two hours. And we both pretend that wasn't always our intention...

• Michael said that I talk exactly like you.
• What's up baby girl :)
• Pinche mamones cavrona ruidoso.

• I have a sleepover in an aquarium.
• I become the kind of girl who goes to concerts.
• I become the kind of girl who can wear dresses without it being a thing.
• My whole college is not one giant ball of sad.

• 6/18/07
• 10/30/08
• 12/28/08
• 7/19/09

SUBLIST Things about this list that make me sad:

• That it's been that long since I've had a date to remember.
• The fourth one is an approximation.

• 8/23/09 Squirrels are not a big deal.
• 8/29/09 Filthy.
• 9/19/09 I fall in love so hard.
• 9/25/09 You can tell a lot about a person by the things they've cried over.
• 9/27/09 Ability fed by necessity?
• 9/29/09 I like sleeping with things in my bed.
• 11/19/09 Humane Society Austin.
• 2/1/10 To understand something enough to have an opinion on it, even one you can't entirely explain or support, is exciting.
• 3/3/10 I hope I leave here before any of this seems okay to me.
• 3/11/10 1701 North Congress Ave.
• 4/24/10 Learn about horses.
• 5/30/10 And the only article of clothing between us were my purple underwear.
• 6/21/10 That ain't walkin' around money.
• 6/25/10 I can only really exist at parks?...

• So after you get your shit together, what do you do with it?

• laundry in washer
• pajamas
• clean
• wash face
• dryer
• nails
• schedule (tests, studying, registration)
• finish french
• work (write down)

• This girl next to me is still talking about how the early twenties are when you become the person you've been and will be, and besides wanting to throw up on her I'm agreeing I guess.
• My three year old cousin came to my house and told my mom "that dog is freakin me out."
• That dog is freakin me out is how I feel about a lot of things.
• Like the person that's in this body I'm in right now is the one who will always be in it.
• What a rip off.
• The person who lives next door to me keeps hitting me in the back of the head through the wall.
• I like the embarrassing genuineness I keep finding in the people I like. I want to write in their life yearbooks "Stay you!" Because I mean it, I really mean it.

• Go to McDonald's by myself.

• We don't need a sign to know better times.
• A whole nother stage of morality. Called "Doing the right thing for the sake of not feeling terrible all the time for all the terrible things you do."
• I'm not there yet.
• I'm a firm believer in letting life get you down sometimes.
• Letters and sodas.
• Bet you never think it feels right.
• Having an "everything is very far away in the future" mindset. Sucks.
• The state you're in before everything "falls into place." Mostly sucks.
• ENNNUIIIII.
• "You will become yourself, and then a little more. But on occasion you will be so much less."

• All of life seems to be about finding your glasses when you can't see because you don't have your glasses.
• I am beginning to doubt whether I ever owned glasses to begin with; ever even needed a prescription. Maybe my eyes are just closed.
• I can take this further. But will refrain.
• Pains in just bones. Not particular ones, or ones that I could point out. Not pointable pains. Just bones existing and protesting that each day you ask them to continue doing so.
• I do a lot of laying. Under too many blankets, during too obviously midday.
• I don't fully understand pithy. But feel like that is what I am aiming for? As I grasp for my nonexistent glasses.
• I need a new book.
• Really though, guys, I am twenty. And thi...

• Find that thing in me that used to think it is not okay to fail college.
• Drive, drive, drive.
• Kiss a person.

• No.

• ruffles
• picking up Tod when he's asleep
• putting nail polish on your lips
• balancing (all forms)
• heart palpitations

• What if it's just you be the things you want to be and then you are what you want to be.
• After you dance read books.
• You want everything inside you to work a little differently than how it works inside everyone else.
• Today I skipped.

• If four good lucks can't save you...

• I am the saddest child.
• Especially at 2:15.
• When I haven't slept.
• And dinosaurs don't matter.
• And I listen to that song.
• And I have too many inside jokes with myself.

• When I haven't slept I get really paranoid about what's behind me. And when checking, I look down. Like for wolves.
• I do something like drunk Facebook. Where I get on Facebook after being awake for 20 hours. And write things on people's walls. This is the only kind of facebooking I have done for like the past two months. Everyone must think I'm crazy.
• I can feel the space behind my eyeballs.
• Fenestra, fenestra, fenestra.
• ^ fenastrae.
• I keep thinking about this girl in my French class whose acne is adorable. Like it's really pretty. Like when you look at it you think of freckles. Friendly, little red dots. It is the most pleasant acne I have met in my whole life.
• My regular acne is jealous.
• This is always the time I think of all these seemingly good reasons to stop talkin...

• About so many things, but not about you.
• About so many things, but not about you.
• Not about you.

• My bed is too high for flopping.
• A very deep sadness.
• Very deep.
• But not the kind that makes you want to sleep. Because then you just have to wake up to it.
• Guysss.
• What am I doing.
• Poor Oaf.
• It's not my fault I'm not fun.
• It's my fault I'm not fun.

• clean room
• put sheets on bed
• find camera case
• empty trash
• use crest whitening strips
• take off nail polish
• wash face
• brush teeth
• feed ruffles
• feed peench
• update computer
• sort laundry
• read ma book
• watch anastasia
• what
• i don't care
• paint my nails
• cry

• I used to have dreams. Over and over and over. That I was running so fast downhill I would just start to fly.
• You always kiss me exactly how you shouldn't kiss someone you're trying to say goodbye to.
• The less I can remember how it feels to think the things I first thought, the more I want to throw up. I used to not understand text messaging. Because what can you say. In 160 characters. And now that is how I talk? And what I use to say things to other humans? Sigh. I used to be afraid of posting pictures of myself on the internet. Things I do not feel comfortable feeling comfortable with.
• That. Is too much for one bullet to handle.
• It's something like: that other humans can think things or notice things and say things and have them be funny or make sens...

• You get your dog's and your boyfriend's names mixed up. You laugh, but neither of them seem to appreciate your humor.
• Because who names a dog Paul? Or a boy Tod? Or the other way around. Which is how it is.
• You use "how" and "why" interchangeably. You almost always mean the other.
• "How is that someone you could someone with?"
• "Why didn't you tell me?"
• You walk on your toes when it's cold. You don't know when that started. You don't know how. Of course you mean why.
• You can often be seen stilted on a pair of invisible heels making your way across the house, cold with quiet, following a winter shower.
• You are wrapped haphazardly in a towel, the deep of your back exposed.
• Even your towel wrapping is haphazard.

• Telling boys I love them.

• Once he hid a piece of toast between my pillows.
• THAS MA BABY.
• His favorite food is pizza. Or all things that are not dog food.
• Exception: croutons.
• There has been a time when I thought I would explode from love of Tod. It's so much, guys.
• I let him kiss me on the mouth.
• Actually. I command him to kiss me on the mouth.
• He's just such a nice guy.

• fireman
• professor
• astronaut
• sled dog leader
• the red power ranger
• construction worker
• Sufjan Stevens

• It's not fair that you know how it is to touch my butt.