• All of your recipes say "serves one."
• You read Playboy for the articles.
• You think a meat market is a butcher shop.
• You think dirty dancing involves standing in a mud pit.
• You’re concerned that a roll in the hay might get you covered in deer ticks.
• You think a “happy ending” massage is one in which you and your masseur/masseuse walk into the sunset just before the credits roll.
• You find the gadgets in a James Bond movie more interesting than the women.
• You see a thong and wonder why they have slingshots in the lingerie department.
• You see a condom and think, "What a weird balloon!"
• You think
  • a lap dance is when you were bounced up and down on your parent's lap as a child.
  • a stud is either a male horse, or something that holds up a wall.
  • oral sex means they had a lively debate.
  • hoes are garden tools.
  • buns are sweet cinnamon rolls.
  • birds and chicks are creatures with feathers.
  • dogs and bitches are four-legged canines.
  • a prick is a minor injury.
  • the G-spot's a cafe or club that's hard to find.
  • a Playboy is something made by Nintendo.
  • kama sutra is an Asian dish.
  • spanking the monkey is animal abuse.
  • dirty dancing involves standing in a mudpit.
  • "friends with benefits" means you get to borrow their discount card from their job.
  • beavers build dams.
  • "getting laid" is what happens to an egg.
  • animals have tails.
  • Dick is short for Richard.
  • your browser's filter is broken because it won't let you look up anything on Dick van Dyke.
  • pussy is a cutesy name for a feline.
  • grinding sounds dangerous.
  • a cherry is a fruit.
  • the "S word" has three letters.
  • You think fellatio is Italian pasta.
  • a meat market is a butcher shop.
  • "wearing protection" means putting on a coat.
  • S&M is shorthand for "scrubbing and mopping." [Thanks, Simpsons!]
  • cunnilingus is a wierd tropical disease.
  • a "pickup line" is all the trucks going through the line at Dairy Queen.
  • the greatest line in all English literature is Lady Macbeth's "Come, you spirits; That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here..."
  • a bearded clam is an exotic marine animal.
  • an innuendo is an Italian suppository.
  • mutual orgasm is an insurance company.
  • a one night stand would make your legs awfully tired.
  • a shag is simply a type of rug.
  • foreplay is a tennis term.
  • the missionary position means a Christian job vacancy overseas.
  • a bell end is when the chimes stop ringing.
  • muff divers are people who go swimming whilst wearing furry ear warmers.
  • a rubber johnny is a bottle of whiskey that doesn't break when you drop it.
  • oral satisfaction means to brush your teeth or having a lovely discussion with someone.
  • bushcraft is something reserved for outback Australia.
  • cunnilinguists are really clever with their words.
  • "Girls Gone Wild" is a video of rabid women mauling and devouring people, werewolf-style. "Now that's something I'd watch! [devil-face] Roar!" -Naissur9
  • "going down on someone" is a wrestling move.
  • a nooky is worse sort of horseplaying than a noogie.
  • foreplay is a card game you can play with three friends.
  • a "happy ending" massage is one in which you and the masseur/masseuse walk into the sunset just before the credits roll.
  • "fiddling with your joystick" means calibrating computer accessories.
  • the back rows of cinemas are for people who are too tall to sit closer to the screen.
  • a sausage fest refers to an outdoor festival serving different kinds of sausages.
  • "chasing tail" refers to what your dog does.
  • a handjob is plastic surgery.
  • it's possible for something to be literally as boring as fuck.
  • Seamen are Navy guys.
  • "Libido is the name of the newest sportscar. (The Chevy Libido... it DOES have an interesting ring to it...)" -Ummeiko
  • "spooning" is how you eat ice cream and cereal.
  • the five things necessary for survival are air, water, food, shelter and solitude.
  • the tv show "Friends" is only about platonic friendships.
  • a "biological clock" is that damn rooster that wakes you up every morning at sunrise.
  • anything that vibrates as something that would feel SO good on the muscles after a hard day's work.
  • tits are units smaller than bits.
  • a Spanish fly is an insect.
  • tits are small and wren-like, and boobies have blue feet.
  • eating someone is cannibalism.
  • whistling is for exercising the vocals.
  • the car horn is for telling people to get out of the way.
  • the word boner is a emphatic particle. ("All man, what a boner!")
  • a G-string is part of a guitar.
    • You have complained in the past about your G string breaking, and not understoood why people were laughing.
  • a paternity suit is a garment they sell in baby shops.
  • a French kiss is a little piece of chocolate.
  • if you run across all the bases and make it home, you score a point for your team.
  • "screwing around" is fumbling with a screw.
• You take advantage of make-out scenes in movies to get yourself some snacks.
• All of your characters on The Sims are single, and you intend to keep it that way.
• The word "prostate" makes you think of kneeling down.
• The name of a small country town in Britain called "Fingrinhoe" really doesn't make you giggle.
• For some reason you don't giggle at the intersection of 69th and Cumming streets.
• "To Come" is the opposite of "To Go" and is always spelled c-o-m-e.
• You still buy a twin-sized bed.
  • Ditto Intercourse, Pennsylvania; Dildo, Newfoundland; and there's a Spread Eagle lake in Ontario.
• You see a place called the "Golden Banana" and think it's a sundae place.
• Persuaded into a game of Twister, you volunteer to spin the pointer on the moves-generator card.
• When someone asks you to sleep with them, you actually roll over and go to sleep.
• You know what "ineffable" really means.
• When someone says, "Yeah, I'd hit that," you think, "Why, what'd they do to you?"
• “French oral” is only a shortening of “French oral examination.”
• You know one doesn't have to be the loneliest number.
• You're concerned that a roll in the hay might get you covered in deer ticks.
• You wonder if being given a blow job makes you inflate like a balloon.
• For years you were certain that 'French kissing' simply meant a peck on each cheek, Continental-style.
• Your favorite card game is solitaire.
• You take forever to realize when characters in books are flirting with each other.
  • Ditto IRL.
• Instead of saying "I must, I must, I must increase my bust," you substituted "DECREASE" for increase.
• You go to the bar to do homework.
• You say, "I slept violently last night," and it doesn't cross your mind that someone might just take it in a way other than, "I tossed and turned all night."
• Your last date ended in a handshake.
• A "booty call" makes you think of pirates.
• A guy asks you if he can get into your pants, and you instantly ask yourself if he can fit into them.
• There has never, ever, been a party in your pants, and no one would be invited if there was.
• You know that the phrase "F---ing A!" is an oxymoron.
• You're crushing on somebody, all you can imagine is spending time in front of the tv with them and getting hugs.
• Heartthrob to you just means a heart palipitation.
• Someone says they are “getting laid tonight,” you think contracted builders and patio construction.
• "Sex seems like it's own form of gore. It's the one where the man puts his body part that looks kind of like a wierd cancerous growth into the body part of a woman that looks kind of like a bizarre wound and they both moan. :shock:" -Ack42
• The doctor warns you that these pills will result in diminished sexual desire..and after taking them for a while you realize that you have never detected any difference.
• Faced with the eternal question of "Is hot?", you stop to think. And then answer with something like "Well, he's not ugly..." or simply "I didn't notice."
• You find out a cutie is in a sexual relationship and you think, "What a waste."
• "Do you want a cup of coffee?" means "Would you like to partake in a warm, caffeinated beverage of ground up coffee beans from Central and/or South America?" and nothing more.
• Someone offers you cake, and you start snickering.
• You don't understand grinding.
• Your teenage schoolfriends ask you for the name of your crush, you hunt around frantically and name the person who has been preoccupying you recently - then realise belatedly that an eighty-year old theologian wasn't what they had in mind.
• You feel sorry for the decline of the language where everything has a sexual double meaning.
• Planned Parenthood has set up a table giving out bags of condoms and candy on Valentines day, so you get one, take the candy out, and give all teh condoms to sexual friends.
• You leave a bachelor's party at a strip club early, and have an interesting conversation about economics instead.
• You try to convince other people that Marilyn Manson isn't necessarily promoting rampant sex.
• You don't understand *hand jobs* People need their hands to do everything, anyways, right?
• Horny to you just means a horn on an animal, or something with stuck out pointy edges.
  • "That was a really horny song. There were a lot of horns in it. There were a lot of horns in it. There were a lot of horns in it. There were a lot of horns in it." -Ellen DeGeneres
• You played the DDR song "Blow My Whistle" countless times and didn't get the innuendo til someone pointed it out.
• You still can't figure out why it's called a blowjob.
• You see Lara Croft's outfit and think "Gee, she must be cold."
• You know that the definition of kinky is tightly curled or bent.
• You fail to notice any incestual connotations in 'Take Your Mama Out.'
• You get annoyed when someone flashes you because the purple spots in front of your eyes take forever to disappear.
• Your bedside table contains nothing that is cylindrical, oily, latex, or requires batteries.
• You figure when someone says they need to get some temporary relief, they're referring to cold or flu medication.
• Someone says a guy is fit you assume he goes to the gym a lot.
• You hear someone "got some last night" and you wonder what.
• You hear, "She needs a good root," and you think about herbal medicine!
• Someone says, "What begins with 'f', ends in 'uck' and is exciting?" you reply, "Fire truck."
• Your friends know to make sure you understand the more obscure jokes they make.
• Two foreign men ask you to tell them what 'kinky' means, you freeze up and say something about hair.
• Catcalls sound like 'meow'.
• You find yourself hoping that, just this once, the young couple in the Big Movie of the Moment won't end up in each other's arms.
• You have trouble assembling anything, because inserting Tab A into Slot B just seems like a weird idea.
• When someone mentions porking, you reply that you prefer to keep kosher.
• You can go into a bar and order a blowjob without getting giddy and stupid about it.
• You know that pubic hair grows in armpits and on men's faces as well.
• You hate sex ed class.
• You've asked the question, "69 what?"
• You laugh at the melodrama of Victoria's Secret commericials.
• You don't giggle when Popeye says, "Blow me down!"
• The only limericks you know are the ones you learned in grade school.
• You see male and female parts at a hardware store, you aren't reminded of sex.
• All your "celebrity crushes" are on the robots from sci-fi films.
• There is a secret box stashed under your bed filled with pictures of people holding hands.
• "You can type. No, really. How many asexuals do you see typing liek thiz lololoolololololomgz?" -Zorui
• You find the gadgets in a James Bond movie more interesting than the women.
• You've never understood what was supposed to be erotic about the Vampire Chronicles.
• You're "dared" at a sleepover to describe a fantasy you've had about a boy, and you start with the words, "Well, we're eating dinner. And then things get interesting, because we start talking about physics and the theory of relativity."
• You couldn't put together a list of the sexiest actors/actresses in Hollywood if you had a gun to your head.
• "Edible" and "underwear" are never used in the same sentence.
• You can't understand why the Brits laughed so hard when "Free Willy" came out in cinemas.
• You post class syllabi in your dorm room instead of half-naked men/women.
• Honey goes on toast and in tea, and chocolate goes on ice cream.
• You realize that the term "boobs" (i.e., large breasts) was created by leather-clad, barbarian men with low intellects.
• You see Marilyn Monroe in The Seven Year Itch and think "Hmmm...That subway grate looks unstable."
• You're about the only person in the Harry Potter fandom who doesn't drool over Alan Rickman.
• When the H2 "Hummer" hit the streets, you couldn't figure out why it elicited giggles from various folks. No, seriously!
• You don't know what any of the bases are.
• Your little black book is full of engineering formulas and is titled "The Engineer's Manual."
• You think a guy is hot because he's a good welder.
• Before you and your friends go out, you work out an escape plan, just in case one of you gets hit on.

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