| main | ongoing | archive | private |
- (330): She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
- (973): Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
- i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
- I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
- Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
- so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
- "he said he didn't have a condom." "and you said?" "that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that."
- I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
- This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
- My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
- "i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend." "i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me."
- You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
- So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
- o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
- i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
- So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
- I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
- "bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch" "I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation"
- i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
- theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
- "Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up." "What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how""
- Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
- (620): Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
- (401): I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
- (610): he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him (610): possibly by boat.
- (613): I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
- (905): Drinking loves me for WHO I am.
- (702): But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
- (205): I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will.
- (434): They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
- (662): We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
- (908): do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
- (302): This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
- (940): She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
- (570): It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
- (+64): He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
- (479): Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
- (425): She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
- (816): They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
- (570): I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
- (469): One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism.
- (914): Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
- (570): Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
- (835): You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood".
- (407): Beer acquired. Food is cooking (1-407): Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio.
- (614): Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today.
- (865): I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries.
- (630): She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
- (302): Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate.
- (847): Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
- (607): I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
- (906): Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
- (620): Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
- (480): her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
- (574): HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT.
- (270): You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
- (701): in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
- (917): My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
- (425): THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
- (258): I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
- (+44): We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
- (270): He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
- (813): He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
- (713): It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
- (612): Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
- (228): Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
- (610): Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
- (504): If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
- (757): You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
- (704): She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
- (502): Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
- (618): Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
- (719): Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
oct 10 2012 ∞
feb 23 2024 +
feb 23 2024 +