http://notestomyfuturehusband.com/

• 72 fucking days? If we spend our lives together as one of those happy couples that never get married, I’m cool with it. Kim Kardashian can be our excuse.
• Couples counseling is for pussies. Let’s go rob a bank together.
• If I ever have to steal the batteries from your remote control to use in my vibrator, you should probably take the hint.
• Gym memberships Are not considered presents. If you decided to ‘surprise’ me with one, I’ll know you think I’m fat and will retaliate by leaving stacks of penile implant brochures around the house for your viewing pleasure.
• Existential Potholes. Don’t worry. I’ve got a spare tire in case your ego hits one too hard.
• Going to bed angry. Fuck that weak ass shit. We’re gonna stay up and fight.
• Lotion Did you really use my Creme de le Mer moisturizer to jerk off? You idiot. That shit costs more per ounce than Vegas cocaine. If you run out of Jergens, use spit next time.
• Every Day, I Am Thankful. That you’re not one of those people who says “for all intensive purposes” or misuses the word “literally” like it’s a catch-all intensifier.
• Never Ask Which one of your friends I find most attractive. I have an answer.
• My vagina is not an ATM machine. just because you went down on me for an hour doesn’t mean that you’re allowed to spend $50 repurchasing Star Wars on blu ray.
• Humor Me. If I’m seducing you & my underwear is anything other than cotton, pretend it’s awesome. Even if it has arbitrary bows you don’t understand. Keep in mind this little ego-boost of mine cost about thirty-six times more than your twelve pack, so for the sake of your blow job, just fucking humor me.
• Our Song will be whatever we fuck to behind the Sahara tent at Coachella.
• Protecting Me If we’re out together and a stranger makes inappropriate sexual advances toward me, please don’t hit him. I’d prefer that the two of you avoided fisticuffs and instead worked through your disagreement via a freestyle rap battle.
• When In Doubt ask, “What would Jay-Z and Beyonce do?”
• The Proposal You will not make a public spectacle of asking to marry me or I will say no just to fuck with you on general principle.
• Orgasms > Generic Compliments Something else to remember the next time you fuck up.
• MAGAZINE SEX TIPS C’mon dude, we’re better than that.
• Hunger Games. I would totally kill you last.
• Citizens of the world. Our kids will speak multiple languages. They will have passports before they have driver’s licenses. They will be cooler than us.
• Sticky fingers. That toddler that smells like syrup is not touching my iPhone. I don’t care if it’s our kid.
• YOUR DOUCHEBAG YEARS. It’s okay, I forgive you.
• FUCKING CELEBRATE. Every once in a while amazing things will happen to us. Let’s remember them often and let everything else fuck off.
• IF YOU EVER TOLD ME THAT I WAS 300 SANDWICHES AWAY FROM AN ENGAGEMENT RING, you would have 300 seconds to move all your shit out of my apartment.
• HAVING KIDS BEFORE 30, Is kinda like falling asleep before the drugs kick in.
• IF YOUR LAST NAME HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF THE FOUR CARDINAL DIRECTIONS, we will not name our baby one of the remaining three.
• DON’T ASK ME WHAT I’M THINKING ABOUT unless you really want to know.
• MEN ARE JERKS. WOMEN ARE PSYCHOTIC. Sometimes a Kurt Vonnegut quote is in order.
• IF I SAY I’M PMSING It’s because my tits hurt. I don’t need an excuse to be a bitch.
• LET’S SIGN UP TO BE A COUPLE ON HOUSE HUNTERS, and then reject all three properties because none of them comes with a sex dungeon.
• YOUR DOUCHEBAG YEARS It’s okay, I forgive you.