• 21
• they/他
• second gen chinese diaspora (guangzhou)
• aroace agender queer
• socialist
• infj + 5w4
• aquarius + sagittarius + cancer

• ig/twitter: 0urient
• spotify: ourient
• tumblr: ginqkou
• blog: ourstillness.weebly.com

color

• jade, opal, beige

flower

• chrysanthemums

plant

• gingko

animal

• don't have a favorite but i have a deer motif going on

food

• soup: soondubu, seolleongtang, chicken, tomato, loaded potato, consome, menudo, corn pottage
• tofu (silken)
• warm asian comfort food: yakitori, wontons, tangyuan, rice noodle soup, xiao long bao

• swimming
• gymnastics
• tae kwon do
• rollerskating
• narrative writing
• sketching/painting
• chinese calligraphy
• abacus
• clarinet
• tennis
• photography
• video editing
• film
• lion dancing
• webcomics
• quizbowl
• blogging
• sewing/clothesmaking
• stand up comedy
• sketch comedy
• improv

• paranoid about digital privacy; i clear my digital footprint every couple of months because i'm afraid of my ex finding me
• everything has to be an even number
• cannot be in bed with clothes
• clean freak
• control freak
• compulsively self-introspective and metacognizant; must identify and categorize everything there is to know about me
• probably on the spectrum; every test i've taken has said that i'm not neurotypical
• cannot repeat same descriptive word in a sentence
• if i'm upset about something, i have to have a conversation about it no matter what

• thinking about my grandparents, aunt, and uncle who raised me
• thinking about embracing my younger self and providing her the laughter and companionship she didn't have the courage to hold
• commercials that feature a domestic couple
• the fucking bleeding heart doves

2010-2012

• first encounter with concept of mortality
• fear of death and apocalypse

2017-2019

• first encounter with capitalist disillusionment
• onset of depression/anxiety
• multimedia burnout/onset of not being able to enjoy media

2020-2021

• gender crisis (oh god i'm just a bastardization of the female form)
• gender crisis 2 (they/them)
• gender crisis 3 (it doesn't matter if i use they/them, everyone carries presumptions about me that i have no control over)
• gender crisis 4 (no pronouns/don't fucking talk about me)

• agnostic; i speak of the universe as if it's a tangible being whom i can befriend and reason with
• kindness not as a fixed trait but as a mutable skill that one makes the choice to hone
• there is no meaning and that is what makes everything so beautiful
• minimalism not as an aesthetic or quota but in that decisions on what to include in your life are intentional
• poststructuralist views on identity; gender abolitionist

• waterboarded at 16 (i announced it to my friends through a jackbox game)
• drank one gallon of cranberry juice for my ex bc i was desperate
• confrontation with four cops while doing guerilla food distribution at 19
• witnessed my great grandmother's death severely high
• took up the entire q&a panel at blizzard by asking one question
• unknowingly took wedding photos for a child molester
• met the host of blue's clues that went viral for shirtless pics
• was obsessed with the matrix in hs and practiced the bullet time stunt so much i won 2nd place in a limbo contest
• was famous at my hs for making a parody of the office that was more accurate than any parody that has been made at that school and i have never seen a single episod...

• intern/news associate at cbs at 18
• started my own art shop
• raised $250 for blm with my art
• made $200 selling my art
• moved out twice at 20
• became a recognizable name in the jpr dept my first semester after changing majors
• sought treatment for my depression
• broke up with lara
• organized with community activists
• wrote a ten page theory paper on gender performativity
• nominated for ccma award three times; won ccma award twice (best news video and non-news video!!)
• worked two jobs for past two years
• secured 3.96 gpa while working two jobs and taking 18 units
• president's honor list since 2019
• quit daily 49er

• broods - life after
• the japanese house - clean
• the world is a beautiful place & i am no longer afraid to die - you can't live there forever
• toby fox - undertale
• car seat headrest - bodys
• mitski - brand new city

books

• when i grow up i want to be a list of further possibilities by chen chen
• men without women by haruki murakami
• a compassionate guide for social robots by marcel heerink
• the girl who could fly by victoria forester

music

• bedroom emo
• art pop
• dream pop
• shoegaze

films

• deer of nine colors
• world of tomorrow
• lost in translation

shows

this quote was largely definitive of the depressive episode i had in sophomore year, when i was experiencing capitalist alienation from my passions and career for the first time.

• normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it - ellen goodman

this quote is currently definitive of the spiral i had this year, when i realized that none of my marginalized identities are readily applicable for survival in postcolonial society.

• you’re obliged to pretend respect for people and institutions you think absurd. you live attached in a cowardly fashion t...

• reyndog was born out of my depressive episode in sophomore year; translated my own traumas into 4 panel comics as a way to externalize my depression
• ourstillness was also born out of my depressive episode; saw how some upperclassmen in my hs kept creative writing blogs and followed suit; was inspired by flatsound's blog
• frequently made and consumed vent art; kept a traumacore/vent tumblr
• journaled. almost every night
• became extremely reclusive and distrustful beginning 8th grade
• hyperfixating on an individual character and doing everything in my power to imagine them in a world of no hurt and pain
• calling myself a ghost/apparition to cope with how unseen and absent i felt in everyone's lives
• overintellectualizing/compartmentalizing ...

• i never liked the phrase “best friend”. maybe it’s because i never had a consistent best friend growing up. whenever i was close to someone who i referred to as my best friend, something would always happen that drove us apart. so now i’m afraid to use the phrase.
• i didn’t intend to have a strong attachment to deer. it originated from my design for reyndog, a dog with deer antlers and got stronger when i remembered the animation “deer of nine colors”. it was an old film produced by the shanghai animation studio that made the journey to the west series my mom and i would watch together in my childhood. i intend to make my rendition of the deer of nine colors my first tattoo.
• i had an obsession with survival and apocalypse preparation as a 10 year old. my favorite show was man vs. wild starring be...

gender

• best described as agender; no attachment to gender
• used to be gendervoid because i really did not want to be perceived by anyone because they will always get something wrong about me and the pain of being misunderstood weighed more than the pain of not being understood at all
• have been told that every photo of me looks like a completely different person; i view my past selves as separate entities and literally have trouble identifying myself in photos; i find comfort in knowing that i am never the same person

attraction

• arospec and acespec; i choose to use these labels not because they describe me perfectly, but because they indicate that my experience with attraction is non-normat...

• the many many moles on my face; a few of them form the big dipper under my eye; i don't like the one by my mouth
• faded scars on my face from attempted laser mole removal bc my 8th grade crush made fun of them and people kept pointing them out and i wanted to get rid of them because 14 y/o me was insecure!!
• thigh stretch marks (i think they're pretty neat)

• diane nguyen
• goro majima
• the deer of nine colors
• knives chau
• inugami
• kokkuri

• brooklyn tattoo artist
• community organizer in nyc
• botanist
• tcm practitioner
• tea farmer
• museum curator
• escape to yingde

• remembering something difficult about me
• making playlists
• reading my works and understanding them
• holding and caressing
• writing things for me

roger

• lanky 18 year old 6 foot taiwanese lolicon and pro table tennis player who 14 year old me met while helping with a friend's film project. we played each other's love interests.
• developed a crush on him while filming and he knew.
• favorite anime character was holo from spice and wolf. a 5000 year old deity who took the form of a 15 year old wolf girl.
• nonconsensual first kiss. the group had dinner to celebrate my birthday and when the others left, he had me go over to his apartment so "i don't have to wait for my ride alone at night".
• touched me. wanted me to give him a handjob. made comments on how he preferred girls to have no hair. said i had sexy collarbones.
• friends with benefits for about a month a...

physical

• 5'2
• cat allergy
• low blood sugar
• low caffeine/spice tolerance
• the most mild astigmatism imaginable

psychological

• eldest sibling
• intimacy starved
• clinically depressed/anxious; if i miss my nightly 50 mg of zoloft, i will mildly relapse
• sexual ptsd
• gender dysphoria
• hsp; prone to sensory overload; most sensitive to noise pollution and flashing lights

• i exaggerate the problems that bother me because i believe that my issues aren't big enough for people to take me seriously and offer me love. my sadness was not big enough for the people in my life to properly care for me and love me in the way i wanted.
• i've always carried guilt over the state of my relationships. it was something i frequently discussed with my therapist. i have rarely felt genuinely bonded with any of my loved ones. i'm conflict-avoidant, distant, and easily worn out, which has caused me to lose contact with several close friends over the years. i'm trying to make a stronger effort into being a more present friend.
• i have severe vulnerability/trust issues. it largely stems from a lack of a consistent confidant during childhood.
• i have a relentless inner critic. i'm con...