Okay, okay. I had to see what all of the fuss was about. As it turns out, Fifty Shades of Grey is as poorly written as everyone has told me, and it's HILARIOUS. Here are some lines that caused me to laugh out loud.

• She’s articulate, strong, persuasive, argumentative, beautiful – and she’s my dearest, dearest friend.
• I roll my eyes at myself. Get a grip, Steele.
• Double crap – me and my two left feet!
• I’m much more of a curl-up-with-a-book-in-a-comfy-chair-by-the-fire kind of girl.
• His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.
• Is Grey? My subconscious asks me, her eyebrow figuratively raised. I slap her down.
• My heartbeat has picked up, and my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire any synapses to make me breathe.
• I thought it was chocolate fudge brownie sex that we had, with a cherry on the top. But hey, what do I know?
• whom am I kidding

Not-so-veiled references to ALL OF THE KINKY SEX HE HAS.

• "I indulge in various physical pursuits."
• buying cable wires, masking tape, rope
• "I could always take them off." He smirks.
• “You are quite the disciplinarian,” I hiss at him. “Oh, Anastasia, you have no idea.”

"Look at me, I'm Ana, I'm super awkward and I don't know how to interact with boys but oops everyone just falls in love with me but I'm completely oblivious! I'm just like you! One day you too, fair reader, will attract dangerous, seductive men with your awkward charm and secret beauty and have lots of kinky sex with them! All hope is not lost for you, reader! Your life totally not bland and boring and lame and repressed at all!"

• would rather curl up with a book by the fire
  • loves classic literature
• is apparently a total babe but has no idea
• clumsy and awkward
• EVERYONE IS IN LOVE WITH HER: José, Paul, Christian
• has never been drunk before
• has never had a boyfriend before, apparently

Evidence that Ana should HIGHTAIL IT OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW SISTAH FRAND.

• there has to be paperwork before he can have sex with her
• sadistic kinky sex den
  • THERE ARE FUCKING HOOKS ON THE CEILING WHAT EVEN