i dont expect people to actually read this list but. just a warning that it might be really triggering

january

    • i'm tired of not feeling in control of my own body. i'm tired of feeling numb and feeling my soul disconnected from my physical body. i'm tired of feeling distant from my emotions. i'm tired of not recognizing myself or the place i am in or, when it's worse, seeing other people's faces as a blur. i'm tired of living in memories and never actually thinking that i'm in the present (this one is so funny because i can't actually remember my memories but living in the present feels like i'm in a memory, if that makes sense).
    • i'm tired of not feeling in control in other ways too. when i can't stop washing my hands and checking things and counting, and counting, and counting... i'm tired of my hands hurting and looking dry and ugly. i'm tired of feeling like i want to hurt them more. i'm tired of feeling itchy. i'm tired of never feeling clean. i'm tired of indulging in irrational compulsions for literally a whole hour. i'm tired of losing sleep. it’s exhausting. i don't have the energy to do this every day, but i can't do anything about it, because if i don't do certain things i won't be able to sleep. i really want it to stop. i hope this will stop one day. i can't breathe.
    • i literally can't cry anymore and even if i feel like it and feel the tears coming, they always stop. i wish i could cry for 3 hours straight so i could breathe a little. i feel suffocated. but when i could still cry it didn't make me feel better, i actually just woke up feeling worse.
    • nothing makes sense anymore if the only future i see is a future where i k* myself. why would i think about college if i plan on dying before graduating?
    • i have too many numbers i'm uncomfortable with.
    • sentindo q perdi a capacidade de empatia de vdd : ) how can i be so cold hearted!!!! i only know how to express bad emotions!! i understand that i might be a little more traumatized than i thought but still... it doesn't justify my behavior and i just feel so evil. i really feel evil. i wish i was a better daughter but i can't. it's so weird how i can never process things at the moment they happen. i feel so out of touch. it just hits me later and then it doesn't feel real.
    • 17/01: eu me senti bonita hoje (me olhando no espelho so mas ja eh um avanço). nem sabia mais q isso era possivel pq no maximo eu so me sentia Apresentavel (mas ngm podia olhar pra mim). me senti confortavel de ter o meu rosto e de estar no meu corpo. nao sei quanto tempo isso vai durar entao vou registrar ! things are still kinda blurry but at least this body is mine for now.
    • assisti banana fish and i may or may not be spiraling right now ! it was a bad choice watching this while i'm still this unstable ! e vamos de se gatilhar de propositooo !!!! vem aiii
    • fingindo q nao to sentindo os efeitos de dormir 5 horas por dia
    • travei as costas dnv
    • chainsaw man!! angel devil eu te amooo

february

    • joguei tudo da faculdade pro alto e ao msm tempo q to Overwhelmed™ nao consigo fazer as coisas
    • vendo o anime de comedia death note
    • finalmente parei p ver o alan jogando hades
    • every time i think about my life i always end up thinking that i should probably be dead by now
    • getting anxious in italian classes because i know the teachers will ask me questions that i will not process in time to respond. i cant think
    • unease!! unease!!! unease!!!!!
    • cheguei no estagio de dormir 5 da manha todos os dias a troco de nada. i pretend i do not see it
    • my brain is tormenting me and i can't fight the urge to count every little action i do just to avoid the number 7. i am also really tired of having to read stuff out loud so my brain can process the words
    • my mind is a mental prison that i can't escape™ and i really just want to die as soon as possible
    • girl help it seems that raw doggin life with mental illness no meds or help at all has made a permanent damage on my brain & i cant get out of this one hehe
    • minha mao melhorou mttt por causa do hidratante mas do q adianta se eu ainda lavo a mao 1 bilhao de vezes por dia
    • eu n aguento mais demorar no banhooooooooo !!! having to follow the same steps every day in a certain order a certain number of times is really giving me BRAIN DAMAGE !! how !! do !! i !! stop !! this !!

march

    • animes: sk8, wonder egg priority
    • eu sempre pensei q eu nao ia terminar a faculdade pq ia * antes mas agr eu realmente nao quero mais continuar ali kk....
    • (x)
    • i'm having some overwhelming and violent thoughts. i just feel so hopeless and i really need help right now but it's literally so hard just Texting !! well, i will get there one day, i guess. i just wish i could see an exit for me. like, all of my options bring me pain and end up in the same dark place. i'm delaying getting help because i would not stand the way my parents would probably look at me.
    • i was starting to feel more comfortable with my body, to not feel gross in this skin. but i'm feeling disgusting again. i realized some things actually. maybe all this time i was avoiding other people because of this, too. i just feel so gross. i guess i just never feel clean.
    • genshin impact

april

    • video do alan: tloz ocarina of time
    • definitivamente nao vou aguentar esse segundo periodo remoto :p eu simplesmente nao CONSIGO fazer as coisas !! all i do is think about my own death . how can i focus on things if i just really REALLY want to die already
    • i dont even have the energy to articulate how im feeling rn i just dont want help anymore
    • well... this was A month™... no thoughts only suicidal ones
    • i also can only focus on jujutsu kaisen genshin impact and a specific ao3 fic. help i cant stop obsessing over things
    • i guess i still feel like this body is mine at least. so thats a win
    • not to be edgy but its so frustrating not being understood. i wish people would stop treating my issues like something i can control. i literally cant and i literally hate being this way and if i only rely on myself to get better i will just end up k* myself lol i dont have the energy or the motivation to just want to get better
    • meu cabelo nunca caiu tanto !!! girl im deficient in vitamins you dont even know about...
    • i dont feel a thing and i know im not necessarily evil for that but WOW i really am evil
    • im like super super super super SUPER stressed. feeling also physically unwell rn. I AM LITERALLY SO STRESSED I CAN FEEL IM ABOUT TO EXPLODE
    • MISERY monday TERRIBLE tuesday WOEFUL wednesday TORMENT thursday FRIGHTFUL friday SINISTER saturday SORROWFUL sunday

may

    • im lowkey worried that my stress will trigger another dissociative episode or something like it did for months last year
    • i really need help why is this so hard
    • im so frustrated and tired. really. i dont want to talk about this anymore
    • felt embarrassed to the point that i felt the cringe™ on my bones for more than 24 hours for simply existing. and things turned out to be okay why am i so insecure
    • i hate talking
    • n tenho perspectiva de presente nem de futuro mais !! nothing brings me joy anymore !! hehe ;p
    • animosidade !! anger issues again this month !!
    • i felt the urge to hurt myself (i didnt tho. at least not physically)
    • baizhu from genshin impact
    • live do alan de resident evil
    • eu n tenho condiçoes de me formarrrrr kkkkk eu nunca pensei q esse dia ia chegar msm pq eu sempre achei q ia me * antes agr q ta cada vez mais perto o sentimento ta Intensificado
    • i hate thinking too much hhh my own thoughts torture me so much. im haunted by them
    • i think im having problem articulating my thoughts and feelings (i used to write really long texts here). i guess its just because they are not new ones. it doesnt matter anymore because i am completely hopeless and things will not get better. im tired

june

    • not being able to sleep because i keep feeling a pressure on my chest and it hurts me. at this point im too afraid to find out what is wrong with my body (a lot of things)
    • witch hat atelier brainrot
    • o final de periodo mais cansativo e estressante q eu ja tive (talvez tenha parado no hospital por isso tb)
    • acho meio doido q meu plano de m* antes de me formar surgiu no 2 periodo e ainda ta de pe ! lets go
    • eu n quero mais fazer nada pq nada me deixa feliz <3 e eu acho q anotar as coisas q eu sinto so serve p eu perceber q ja deve ter uns 5 anos q eu nao tenho a minima vontade de viver to so esperando a coragem de me jogar de um penhasco
    • i literally cant escape <3 life just wasnt made for me! why is it easier for me to just give up and accept that im going to kill myself than to seek help and try to do something about it (i dont even want help anymore because i dont have the will to exist and be a person). i cant leave my head
    • live do alan de breath of the wild
    • my vision is not exactly blurry but i'm having trouble focusing my eyes (again)
    • im also feeling like my hands are less clean than usual... (again)
    • i think everything is getting worse hhhh im feeling really bad things actually... i dont think i can get out of this
    • infinity train book 4. made me feel sad too
    • n consegui ouvir musica pq qlq som tava me incomodando

july

    • literalmente nao aguento mais meu curso & a faculdade mas tb nao quero fazer qlq outra coisa & a minha soluçao sempre eh me m* ja q nunca vou conseguir fazer nada msm i guess
    • eu to MT debilitada ! lets goooooo no meu pior sempre estive mas agr ... <3 :)
    • i remember being so scared last year while i dissociated for months & even my room felt unfamiliar to me but Being here is literally torture. perhaps it would be better to not feel here again. at least it was just a blur and i would lose that few months anyway so... but yeah nevermind i dont think i want to feel disconnected from my body that severely again (especially since i still feel like that in a low key way. my face is still strange to me but i dont feel that weird when im moving or looking at my body at least. and i can hear when people talk to me now. i dont want to feel trapped in a memory again, like i was unable to act. i know i still feel empty, and that i don't feel anything anymore, but that kind of emptiness was different. it felt like if i wasnt holding something i couldnt feel like my corporeal form existed. and when it got worse even holding things would not make me feel here. i always felt like i was going to fall. everything was blurry and distorted and it was so scary not being able to control my body). im feeling a lot of things now actually. but its like something that its trapped on my throat, suffocating me. and it cant get out.
      • (!) ok remember this one
    • im thinking about how the second half of the year is always worse to me and i dont know why i feel that way. especially when it gets close to the end of the year. i get super sad on holidays for some reason. look, im even writing more. it was the same thing last year.
    • måneskin brainrot
    • pokemon black & white 2
    • voltei a ver kdrama (navillera e hospital playlist 2)
    • eu n tenho memoria nenhuma mais ! i'll heal in hell !
    • a definiçao de what untreated mental illness does to a person <3
    • i wish i could be free already. i think i dont want to try anymore (not that i have ever tried)

august

    • vacinei !!!!
    • still thinking about witch hat atelier a lot
    • started reading tokyo revengers and our dreams at dusk
    • i felt super uncomfortable anxious and empty on my birthday. like i shouldnt be here. i dont know how to want things. it scares me that even on a day that i have the right to feel something i just. dont. i wish i was more cheerful but i just never feel like it. and i never know what to do and how to act. im too awkward to feel happy, i guess.
    • nenhuma roupa minha cabe mais em mim e isso me deixou desconfortavel. eu so usei pijama por 2 anos. eu preciso refazer o meu armario inteiro pq minhas roupas nao mostram mais qm eu sou.
    • parental figure issues and family related stress is really at its peak rn !!
    • i feel ill. and tired. and i dont want to get better because i still dont want to live.
    • playing genshin impact a lot !!! its okay because it makes me feel good and i like it !!!
    • college will kill me first
    • im sleeping so little... on purpose... i only go to bed when im literally passing out and am so tired that i cant even stand properly.
    • i literally live in my head. i cant leave my head. i cant get out.
    • my body feels gross. i recognized it in the mirror but it just feels gross. it feels more than ugly. the worst thing is that i know im not just being insecure or something. i know its gross and i know i dont take care of it.
    • doesnt care about anything. stressed about everything.
    • i dont know what i want. i dont think i want something.
    • childe genshin impact my beloved. its a joy to have him.
    • so to conseguindo fazer as coisas da faculdade na madrugada antes da aula pq nao consigo fazer nada de produtivo o dia inteiro e so funciono no desespero de ver q o dia acabou (eu nao vou aguentar o presencial de novo e tomara q eu * antes disso)
    • im in my girl help era
    • grief. i dont even know what to say. this makes me feel so scared. wish i could have said goodbye.

september

    • actively felt super sad and not just that usual emptiness
    • i really miss her
    • quase 90% de ctz q nao consigo terminar a graduaçao
    • washing my hands more often :/
    • meus * nao me levam a serio kkkk como pode simplesmente achar q vou sair desse buraco sozinha sem fazer o minimo pra me ajudar
    • the anger issues are getting really bad i think... the violent thoughts are not a joke anymore and i feel that im out of my mind sometimes like im actually going insane
    • eu literalmente n sirvo pra nada
    • im tired of pretending that i dont get hurt by certain things. im tired of having to be strong and having to deal with stuff alone because the ppl that live with me dont understand me. im tired of feeling like i cant trust them. im tired of having no support.
    • i think im out of touch again. like my brain just shut down because i was suffering too much again
    • i dont remember the last time i didnt feel tired & i know its because i just dont sleep properly anymore
    • feeling like my joker era will come babeyyy !! its kurapika time !!
    • i want to be evil
    • i cant stand the way they look at me. is it possible to feel rejection from something that small
    • this (x) came for my throat this is so humiliating
    • uhhjhjbhjb nb dhfjktketkoitrk¨%%%###
    • era p eu estar no meu ultimo periodo da faculdade mas eu nao fiz nada ate hj kk girl.... we are kinda <3 not graduating <3
    • im tired of feeling hopeless and im kinda missing a lot of bad feelings i used to have. i dont know which state of mind is worse
    • i thought i started putting myself first because my isolation is too selfish of me. but im thinking that maybe my detachment from the world is the consequence of me not putting myself first ??? like i would rather just avoid things than bother someone (even if i know i end up bothering them anyways by being isolated). i think this is why i feel like an empty shell, like my personality is blocked even from myself.
    • i think im feeling really detached from myself again... especially from my own feelings... the start of feeling like a spectator trapped in my own mind as my body moves on automatic again... this is not a good sign lol but im not really thinking about it ! (again. i might have assertiveness and compromisse issues)
    • im feeling rejected and unseen wow its almost like im a teenager again this is hell
    • all i do is harm myself
    • the fact that im not diagnosed is so humiliating. i keep complaining that people dont take me seriously but even >i< dont take myself seriously. the kind of emptiness and loneliness of not even knowing what the fuck is wrong with me is destroying me actually. i feel trapped and unable to move on. its been years.
      • (!) this one is important i cant forget how this is the root of all evil
    • todo dia acordar eh a pior coisa q podia acontecer comigo
    • meu corpo ta horrivel kk
    • NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I CANT FEEL PRESENT IN REALITY IM TRAPPED IN MY HEAD BUT ALSO STUCK OUTSIDE MY BODY.jpeg
    • im always so sleepy and even if i always faint when i lay down at night i never feel rested hate my stupid brain
    • *leaves the house once and have my brain disintegrate and become foggy and overwhelmed and get a terrible headache and feel like fainting bc i cant focus on anything neither can i see things and especially cant read stuff because my brain is so fucked up*
    • every time i think about my future i keep thinking that i literally will not be able to stay alive. i think i will always suffer no matter what i do. everything i do or don't brings me pain, so i just stay paralized without moving because i don't know what to do. i am not able to exist now and i won't be able to exist in the future for different reasons. it's always like this. living is really not for me. how can i get better if i know staying alive is torment? i simply don't want to persist. i don't want to.

october

    • (x)
    • to lavando a mao c mt mais frequencia e nao consigo parar... fiquei presa num loop no banheiro pq ate desligar a luz me fazia voltar pra lavar a mao dnv
    • im SERIOUS se o tempo nao parar vou me * por nao conseguir acompanhar nada a vida passando e eu nao faço NADA nunca e nem quero
    • eu nao sei lidar com o fato de que sempre vai ter algo me esperando no futuro. literalmente nao consigo relaxar sabendo q msm se eu tiver tempo livre eu teria q me preparar pro q vem depois. eu nao consigo viver no presente
    • (x) virginia woolf gets me so much its insane
    • theres no escape life will always make me suffer & that wont change
    • assisti squid game
    • mitski comeback !!!!
    • women who give up for no reason <3333 meeee <333
    • i keep having this weird feeling like i don’t have much time left. its a terrible feeling that i don’t really know how to explain. but i keep feeling like i should be preparing to leave or something. just seeing someone mention future years makes me panic i guess, like i wouldn’t see 2023... why do i waste my life thinking about death so much? i cant seem to stop. i really cant seem to live in the present. i wonder if it will always be like this. it has been for some time now. i don’t mind a lot of bad feelings. in fact, i think i would miss them if i stopped feeling like that. but these kind of specific feelings, like i can see them becoming true, freaks me out a little. it makes me think that i want to get better, even if i really don’t know how to. it makes me think that i should try to escape, even if i know i won’t.
jan 6 2021 ∞
oct 8 2021 +