january

    • i'm tired of not feeling in control of my own body. i'm tired of feeling numb and feeling my soul disconnected from my physical body. i'm tired of feeling distant from my emotions. i'm tired of not recognizing myself or the place i am in or, when it's worse, seeing other people's faces as a blur. i'm tired of living in memories and never actually thinking that i'm in the present (this one is so funny because i can't actually remember my memories but living in the present feels like i'm in a memory, if that makes sense).
    • i'm tired of not feeling in control in other ways too. when i can't stop washing my hands and checking things and counting, and counting, and counting... i'm tired of my hands hurting and looking dry and ugly. i'm tired of feeling like i want to hurt them more. i'm tired of feeling itchy. i'm tired of never feeling clean. i'm tired of indulging in irrational compulsions for literally a whole hour. i'm tired of losing sleep. it’s exhausting. i don't have the energy to do this every day, but i can't do anything about it, because if i don't do certain things i won't be able to sleep. i really want it to stop. i hope this will stop one day. i can't breathe.
    • i literally can't cry anymore and even if i feel like it and feel the tears coming, they always stop. i wish i could cry for 3 hours straight so i could breathe a little. i feel suffocated. but when i could still cry it didn't make me feel better, i actually just woke up feeling worse.
    • nothing makes sense anymore if the only future i see is a future where i k* myself. why would i think about college if i plan on dying before graduating?
    • i have too many numbers i'm uncomfortable with.
    • sentindo q perdi a capacidade de empatia de vdd : ) how can i be so cold hearted!!!! i only know how to express bad emotions!! i understand that i might be a little more traumatized than i thought but still... it doesn't justify my behavior and i just feel so evil. i really feel evil. i wish i was a better daughter but i can't. it's so weird how i can never process things at the moment they happen. i feel so out of touch. it just hits me later and then it doesn't feel real.
    • 17/01: eu me senti bonita hoje (me olhando no espelho so mas ja eh um avanço). nem sabia mais q isso era possivel pq no maximo eu so me sentia Apresentavel (mas ngm podia olhar pra mim). me senti confortavel de ter o meu rosto e de estar no meu corpo. nao sei quanto tempo isso vai durar entao vou registrar ! things are still kinda blurry but at least this body is mine for now.
    • assisti banana fish and i may or may not be spiraling right now ! it was a bad choice watching this while i'm still this unstable ! e vamos de se gatilhar de propositooo !!!! vem aiii
    • fingindo q nao to sentindo os efeitos de dormir 5 horas por dia
    • travei as costas dnv
    • chainsaw man!! angel devil eu te amooo

february

    • joguei tudo da faculdade pro alto e ao msm tempo q to Overwhelmed™ nao consigo fazer as coisas
    • vendo o anime de comedia death note
    • finalmente parei p ver o alan jogando hades
    • every time i think about my life i always end up thinking that i should probably be dead by now
    • getting anxious in italian classes because i know the teachers will ask me questions that i will not process in time to respond. i cant think
    • unease!! unease!!! unease!!!!!
    • cheguei no estagio de dormir 5 da manha todos os dias a troco de nada. i pretend i do not see it
    • my brain is tormenting me and i can't fight the urge to count every little action i do just to avoid the number 7. i am also really tired of having to read stuff out loud so my brain can process the words
    • my mind is a mental prison that i can't escape™ and i really just want to die as soon as possible
    • girl help it seems that raw doggin life with mental illness no meds or help at all has made a permanent damage on my brain & i cant get out of this one hehe
    • eu n aguento mais demorar no banhooooooooo !!! having to follow the same steps every day in a certain order a certain number of times is really giving me BRAIN DAMAGE !! how !! do !! i !! stop !! this !!

march

    • eu sempre pensei q eu nao ia terminar a faculdade pq ia * antes mas agr eu realmente nao quero mais continuar ali kk....
    • (x)
jan 6 2021 ∞
mar 2 2021 +