What a year. I’d like to start with a little timeline for a change. Just to keep track of things. In January my mum died. I functioned, survive the funeral and ceremony at her favourite lake. I manage to go through all her belongings with my brother. In hindsight, this time was so incredibly stressful. Sometimes it felt as if I was close to getting a heart attack because of all the somatized stress in my chest. In February I went to Iceland and Italy with girlfriends. It was nice - a little distraction, but I didn’t feel very joyful. Understandably so. I also felt a little guilty because the trips were expensive but I didn’t really feel happy or a connection with my company. In March my mental health got even worse. I didn’t know any more if it is just dramatization and self-pity or if it is really that bad and I am completely broken. The relationship with my brother was obviously irreparable at that point and I felt SO uncomfortable living with him in my mum’s house. I didn’t want him to get the house. I didn’t want to have anything to do with him or my past. I wrote a letter to Frank and he answers it, telling me he hadn’t worked a single day yet this year. We go to Amsterdam together. We’re both depressed, trying to hold on to each other and make the best of a horrible situation. One night he told me, how important I am for him and how grateful he is that I am in his life. I wrote a little observation in Amsterdam: Es fühlt sich mittlerweile an als würde ich mit meinen alten Gewohnheiten ständig in Sackgassen laufen. Immer wieder abbiegen, weil man denkt, dass einen die Straße ans Ziel bringt. Enttäuscht werden. Konkret: Einkaufen, Essen. Konsumieren generell. Mir geht es nicht gut, ich weiß nichts mit mir anzufangen. Mein erster Instinkt ist, etwas zu essen. In einen Laden zu gehen. Konsumieren. Selbst Kino, Museum, Konzert... Im Grunde nichts weiter als Konsum. Und der macht mich nicht mehr glücklich. Hat er wahrscheinlich auch noch nie, aber mittlerweile funktioniert er nicht mal mehr als Betäubung und Ablenkung. Ich weiß einfach, dass ich das alles nicht brauche. Schicke alles, was ich in schwachen Momenten bestellt habe, sofort wieder zurück. Stehe vorm Süßigkeitenregal und kann mich nicht entscheiden, weil ich keinen Hunger habe. Weil ich eigentlich etwas ganz anderes brauche. Es fühlt sich gleichzeitig alarmierend und wie ein Fortschritt an. Weil womit soll ich die Leere denn füllen, solange ich nicht weiß was ich brauche oder wie ich das bekommen soll? Es kommen harte Zeiten auf mich zu. Was brauche ich denn eigentlich? Best guesses: Liebe, Zugehörigkeit, Verbundenheit, eine sinnvolle Aufgabe, Kreativität. Vielleicht muss ich auch einfach einen Gang zurück schalten und mich daran gewöhnen, dass man nicht ständig irgendeine Form von Entertainment braucht. Haben sollte. Sondern sich einfach an seiner Existenz erfreut. In Meditation. Stille. I'm not quite there yet. Wahrscheinlich ist gerade die Übergangsphase am unangenehmsten. Then I went off to Hridaya to attend a life-changing meditation retreat. In April I came back to Munich for not even a week because I needed to sell my grandma’s house – just to turn around and fly back to Lyon. I heard a calling to do Module 1 at Hridaya. Unfinished business after the silent retreat. In May I spent my birthday at home and then I went to Bordeaux to spend two weeks learning about mindfulness at a Buddhist monastery in the French countryside. In June something life-changing happened: I attended my first Burn! Then I went off to South America. In July a great many things happened and changed. I travelled through Peru, Bolivia and Chile for six weeks. I met Paul and attended a transformative ceremony with Pia, Luca and Kali, the shaman cat. In August I moved back into my apartment and spent two weeks decluttering and fixing everything around the house. Then I reconnected with Doris. We went to Italy together just to stop contact once and for all. I took a train back alone. It was sad but it felt right. In September I had an absolutely gorgeous grand finale of my sabbatical at Schönburn. I met Marah, Sandra, Robert, Raphael and Christian – who would become my partner a few weeks later. I went back to school as a teacher and had a lot of fun getting dressed in the morning, socializing, enjoying my apartment, decorating. In October I went to Hamburn and connected with Uli and Robert. In November there was a lot of drama with Sandra and Robert. But I spent a beautiful time with Christian. We had our choir weekend (lots of karaoke!) and I attended Burn on the Rocks. I met Luki and explored new chemical horizons. December started out with my first choir solo. I deepened my connection with C. and I was super frustrated about reverting to old habits. I gained weight, I was more stressed and aggressive. It felt like all the positive changes were gone – which made me feel helpless and I seriously thought about quitting my job.

RELEASE - What did you let go of this year? // A few fucks, a little fear, the concept of how things SHOULD be done. I had a plan but life had a different one in store for me. And it turned out more magical than I could have ever foreseen it. It was dramatic, tough, eye-opening, beautiful.

• I finally got Frank out of my system. After all those years. I even developed a last little obsession with him during my meditation seminar but something happened – with him, with me, the circumstances – and I can now proudly say: he’s gone for good.
• Breathwork provided me with plenty of emotional release, physical responses and out-of-body experiences.
• I was so overwhelmed with all the stuff at mum’s place. Too many decisions. Do I need it? Want it? Is it important? Will I regret giving it away? But then I realized: It’s just STUFF. And the stuff is not the same thing as the memories attached to it. So I let go of most of it. With this mindset I also moved back into my old apartment and let go of countless boxes of old possessions. Curation became my new principle.
• And on that note, I cut chords with my past. My mother was the only thing still tying me to it. But I broke off contact with people from my past: relatives, my mum’s partner, old neighbours. And the house I grew up in. I’m happy to – it frees me of old energies I was never able to get out of. It’s time for me to start a new life without dead weight.
• And, at last, a realization: I'm ready for a change. A new career, a new home in nature, a new family and potentially even motherhood… I can finally see my unlimited potential. I can do whatever the fuck I want – I just have to dare greatly and get a move on. Unlock potential, release energy, remove blockages.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS - What were you deeply proud of doing, making, being, etc. this year? What made you feel good? // Walking the INKA TRAIL!! As a fat girl. Yas. All my incredible experiences and connections at the silent mediation retreat and my yoga module. Everything I learned about mindfulness at Plum Village. None of this was always easy but I’m so glad I made it. In December, I managed establishing a daily routine again after losing it in June. And when I was really depressed after my mum’s death, I managed to keep going by attending yoga class or going swimming – both things that I’m proud of. I’ve started acting like my own ideal parent, taking good care of myself. Oh, and I had my first solo performance at my choir’s Christmas concert! Scary but a lovely challenge. Unfortunately, none of my friends could come (even though Christian tried to mobilize a few Burners to cheer me on) because of the unexpected snow chaos.

BREAKTHROUGHS - What were your biggest breakthroughs? This can be in any area: emotional, spiritual, career, etc. // There is SO much here. This year was very unexpected and transformative.

• I realized I'm desirable. Sexual liberation. Oh, and a) I’m a lesbian magnet and there even were two trans women who fell for me this year but b) I’m not as gay as I thought I was. I enjoy rough sex. With men.
• I tried drugs and they weren't scary at all. Plant medicine even made me leave the planet and granted me a glimpse of pure bliss. Just to spit me out again in this reality, in an outdoor toilet somewhere in Peru. But I must say: the view of the Milky Way was breathtaking.
• I became more open, capable, wise; so much more free.
• I learned that I love classical music.
• I feel in love. I got pregnant (and was absolutely stunned because I’d never thought that my body was able to do that). I got an abortion (and didn’t regret it too much because it seems like I can always “reverse” this decision whereas a yes would have been final).
• I finally admitted to myself that my job doesn't make me happy.
• I kickstarted my spiritual journey through silent meditation, yogic teachings, mindfulness.
• I was proud of myself for standing up for myself. Setting boundaries, listening to my intuition. Doing hard things like climbing a mountain with no chance of returning but especially NOT doing things, too. Like leaving an orgy when it didn’t feel right anymore and started to overwhelm me.

HAPPINESS - What was the most fun you had this year? When were you really happy? //

• BURNS. I discovered this beautiful world I don’t want to look back. I was sad and lonely during my travels and vowed to look for a new community once I’m back in Munich. And what can I say? I found a family. I expanded my horizon, had beautiful connections and SO MUCH FUN at the four Micro Burns I visited this year. A few highlights: Lindy Hop class / play fights / Espresso tipi / the fantastic role play at the gate; reading the wolverine article to Robert, making it a thing; dragging him around on a leash for a whole day / lusting after Ben, my Golden God / unexpectedly running into Benni, celebrating our reunion / the Kitchen Party at Burn on the Rocks / spending quality time with Luki, my Burn husband / a crazy night with David and Toni in the cloudy K-cube, feeding him dry bread, playing with a squishy toy / Metal Massage with Alexander / a photo shoot with crazy lights in the castle / meeting Christian, spending the night together playing Bingo; his hard hugs in the tent (he even brought me ice-cream!), a private bunker session, watching SCALES together in the courtyard / bonding with Kevin and Ladybird / learning about Ableton; painting on the floor while Luki played the saxophone in a private little jam session / dancing with Luna, painting her face with green graphic liner and lots of glitter / hopping naked into an Austrian lake with Marah, Robert and Sandra / sensual moments with Raphael / smiling whenever I met my favourite nudist hype beasts, Klaus and Galya / my first Liquid Love event / painting Katharina’s whole body / and SO MUCH MORE.
• Art night with Sash and Lena. Cooking, eating and painting together. And I was even happy with the results. A clear message: more collaborative creation.
• Jiggling our bits in the thermal water in Merano. Sunny Passeggiatas. Ice-cream walks and culinary discoveries in Bologna. The Gucci Archetypes exhibition in Florence. Visiting a parmigiano factory.
• The day at the lake with Doris. We had a lot of fun together and it often felt very special. Almost kissing. Then kissing. Kissing at work, when Amy noticed my smile coming out of the prep room. Attending concerts, travelling through Mexico together. All her support and consideration. Destroying Rexi in an Italian pool. Eating all the ice-cream. Beating each other in Rummikub.
• Lots of intense moments with Christian: My first Joy of Connection event. Especially when Christian was the DJ. / That night at Heinrich’s place. Hugging Christian, listening to Björk’s Unison, feeling SUCH an intense connection. It felt like one of the most beautiful moments of my life. Which is what I told him. / The incredible emotional release and kinky sex in Austria (the night I fell pregnant). / Holding him tightly in the playroom at Kinky Amore in Augsburg. / Meeting his son and his friends. Feeling included. / Making a vision board together. / Visiting his apartment for the first time. I was so impressed. I felt at home immediately.

LOVE - Who did you fall in love with this year? // I wanna say I’ve stopped keeping track of all the people I’ve kissed – but I haven’t. And it’s been quite a few this year. The more meaningful ones were Ben (my Golden God - I adopted him as my human kitty. He asked for permission to kiss me. I imprinted on him but off acid he didn't seem interested in me anymore), Paul (he invited me over to a friend's goodbye party in Pisac and we ended up chilling in his room with his cat who'd just been neutered and was still high on ketamine. I stayed the night and we met again a few times), Luki (my Burn hisband at Burn on the Rocks. He invited me to lie next to him on an airbed next to the dancefloor. And so I did. We fooled around and started spending time with each other. He took care of me and even became my K-Lympics team mate) and of course I LOVED how freaky I could be with Robert. We were really vibing at Hamburn but didn’t foresee how much trouble we’d be in upon coming back. Honorable mentions: Matthias W., a guy I met on OKC. My emotional support from a distance when I was travelling through South America. And obviously we can’t end this chapter without talking about the most important people in my life: Doris (that night in my bed after a beautiful day at the lake. Cuddling. Fooling around. Suddenly our lips met) and Christian (An innocent request for my free sex work turned into ticking off bingo squares all night long, ended in the playroom) and I’m so grateful to have (had) both of them in my life. With Christian, I had this instantaneous, magnetic connection. My whole body was ringing and humming, responding to his touch. I've never felt this with anyone else before.

LOSS - Who or what did you miss? // WHAT I missed was steadiness in a way. Comfort, safety, routine, security. Having my own place, my stuff, a place to come home to. Speaking of WHO: my mum, of course. And Doris after our break-up.

PEOPLE - Did you meet anyone new? // So. Many. People. My Hridaya connections from the silent retreat (especially Mark) and from Module One: Malou, Stephen, Rossanna; Jade, Emily, Robert, Sara and Maya. My Caring Cacti family at Plum Village, especially Katharina, Paloma and Daniel. Thieu Nhi the cat. I met Paul in Pisac. Marie, Frank’s new girlfriend. And then there is my new Burner family. I don’t even know where to begin… Luna, Felix, Robert, Christian, David, BaLu, Mephy, Luki, Celia, Fox, Julia, Katharina, Benni, Ben, Yeli, Heinrich, Féj, and so many more. Then I got new colleagues and students, too. Typing this I realize how many people are currently in my life. I got what I wanted. I felt so lonely during my Sabbatical and vowed to be more social once I’m back in Munich, find my tribe, my community. And it worked like a charm. I also have my choir, my therapist, Becky, yoga class with Lucie. Christian really includes me – with his son (it’s so nice to feel like a part of something), his friends. Always wants me to meet his people. On the downside, it’s so much harder for me now to connect with my old friends. I still like them of course. But they’re not very interesting or stimulating for me at the moment so I catch myself spending less and less time with them. An interesting development. My theory: I keep evolving fast, and perhaps they can’t or don’t want to keep up? But I’m still grateful for having them in my life.

TRAVEL - Did you travel? Where did you go? // I went to Italy by train with Sash (Bologna, Florence, Parma) / with Margit I went to Iceland / with Frank I travelled to Amsterdam and visited Kati in Utrecht / I spent a lot of time in France this year: I went to Lyon twice and stayed at Hridaya for a few weeks – and then I went to Bordeaux to spend two weeks at Plum Village / I travelled to Peru, Chile and Bolivia / and I went to Northern Germany and Austria for Burns.

FASHION - What was your most beloved/favorite outfit? How would you describe your style this year? How did the way you dress change? // I wore transparent mesh bodies a lot. Swirly turtlenecks. My Clear Mind Meditation Club sweaters. The beanie in burnt orange, still. I learned how to do Siren Eyes and started wearing bronzer as a contour. Watermelon-flavoured PH-reactive lip gloss. Upon coming back, I got very creative with my outfits because having my own wardrobe, jewellery and make-up back inspired me a lot. I liked combining colours, my accessories were far more artsy, consciously eclectic, a little more esoteric too (yin yang symbols and crystals, always swirly). I started wearing blazers, a long, loose, black one and a new one in a greenish yellow. I ran around with the handmade bucket bag from Peru in summer and went through my Golden Goddess phase (golden everything – nail polish, jewellery, clothes; I even wore diamantes on my third eye at a few Burns). I developed an obsession with the brand Desigual (after poo-pooing it for years but something’s different!). I sported interesting color combinations and found a great ring for my conch piercing (and kinda want more piercings now). I found out that I hate the colour blue and acted accordingly. And I bought a sparkly cat mask on sale which gave me the playa name KitKat. I now wear it often – it’s my trademark!

MUSIC - What were some of your favorite records and songs? What song will always remind you of this year? What song lyrics reverberated with you? // I had my first solo part in a choir concert! I was so nervous but I survived. Expanding my comfort zone. I loved reuniting with my choir after coming back. I think I only went to one “real” concert: 2 Steps from Hell in Olympiahalle with Manu, Obi and Lena. I didn’t know their music at all but got really into Epic music in the following weeks. A few more songs that remind me of the year 2023: Björk - Unison (I think it’s Christian’s and my song – we shared such a beautiful moment while listening to it at Heinrich’s get-together) / Caterina Barbieri - Fantas / Christian’s Joy of Connection playlist, especially Tanz der Schlaraffen / Austerlitz Kyrie from the Napoleon movie soundtrack / Amaphupho / and I really vibed with classical music all of a sudden – Gustav Holst’s Planet suite is one of my favourites. And I even made me friends send me recommendations for classical music (I mostly got film music to be honest but I still liked it – it keeps me so much calmer on the subway in the mornings).

CULTURE - What were the most interesting exhibitions you saw? Any creative workshops or theatre visits? // In Italy, I enjoyed the architecture, went to the Modern Museum in Bologna, and visited the Gucci Archetypes exhibition in Florence. In Iceland, I remember visiting the Phallus Museum, a museum about the history of Reykyavik, and the Perlan museum where we learned about Iceland’s natural wonders. In Frane, I went to see the Musée des Beaux Arts in Lyon. During my stay in South America I went to a fantastic modern art museum in La Paz, checked out a few exhibitions in Cusco (mainly about folk art and history). Of course I saw lots of ruins (and Machu Picchu!) and I attended a workshop about intuitive painting. Back in Munich, I saw Firnis at Rationaltheater with Raphael and Animal Farm at Kleines Spiel with Becky. And I went to Frank’s Big Band concert with Marie.

BOOKS -_ Your favourite books/stories/poems/plays._ // This was not a great reading year. Didn't find fiction I LOVED. But that’s a good intention for next year. I read too much psychobabble which isn't always enjoyable without a good fiction book as counterbalance. There was one exception: Roger Zelazny’s Lord of Light dazzled me right away (but I'm not even finished reading yet). Ken Wilber influenced me a lot. I read his books Grace and Grit (SUCH a fantastic read) and Integral Psychology. And I read a few interesting books about Highly Sensitive People, emotionally immature parents and dopamine addiction. Emilia Roig’s Das Ende der Ehe reactivated my feminist tendencies towards the end of the year.

MOVIES/TV - Your favourite films and TV shows of the year. //

• The Menu (2022)
• Ich bin dein Mensch (2021)
• Tár (2022)
• Triangle of Sadness (2022)
• Roter Himmel (2023)
• Contact (1997)
• Damaged Goods #1 (2022)
• Kärlek & Anarki #2 (2022)
• Brand New Cherry Flavour #1 (2021)
• She-Ra and the Princesses of Power #1-5 (2018-2020)

MATERIALISM - Something you wished for and got (for yourself)? // I remember buying so much random crap in Santiago de Chile. In hindsight: I wasn’t happy there. I wanted to cheer myself up. In Peru I got a lovely hand-woven bag in mustard yellow and, lots and lots of crystals and brass figurines. And in Bolivia I couldn’t resist shopping at the Witches’ Market. Little tokens of superstition like spell powders, candles in all colours, protective amulets and symbols. When I got home from my travels, I worked on curating my possessions. But I also bought a lot of things I wanted, just because I finally could. Like a really good clothes drying rack. Two expensive Marshall speakers – one for the kitchen, one for the living room. A laptop. Crazy fashion orders from Desigual. Too much jewellery and home decor: a new poster, glassware (I developed an obsession with stained glass), nice pillows, clothes. But I also spent my money on experiences: Burn tickets, retreats and workshops, ceremonies.